The problem is that I can’t fucking accept my damn role, I know who I am and who I’m meant to be. I already talked about this, I am a loner and I’m always going to be. If I could just accept that I’d be so much happier, and I want to but it’s instinct to strive for otherwise. That’s why I keep getting obsessed with all these people who wander through my life briefly. That’s what they’re doing, that’s how it’s always going to be for me. People passing through, if I really try hard I’ll keep my two close friends but I will very likely never form another lasting relationship with a person again other than that. That’s what me falling for these girls at work is, it’s the desperate grasping of my reptile brain. If I was some thick dick PUA chad who had women throwing themselves at him I wouldn’t care about any of these people most likely. I know it sounds shocking but it’s true, because look how those people are. I’m timid and nice because it’s some kind of strategy my inner nature cooked up to try and push my genes. It’s not in my control, I think I’m nice because I like being nice but I like being nice because my brain dumps positive feelies in order to incentivise this false niceness which doesn’t feel false. I mean seriously, I struggle through smalltalk with these people that’s fucking it. What I do know about them, the opinions they have and the art they like etc it’s all unimpressive or uninteresting and I see myself latching onto whatever it can but frankly it’s reaching. I want to assume command, my rational thinking conscious mind or ego if you will wants to start making the decisions around here. I’m just not eloquent enough to express myself, I have the vocabulary and the ideas are bouncing around in my head as words but I can’t quite put the puzzle pieces together when I want to record this stuff more permanently in ink or on the internet.
I’ve been thinking about what would happen if any of the people I’ve written about were to read this blog, would they be shocked and disgusted? Would they think, what a fucking loser how dare he be attracted to me or think about me like that without me even knowing? Or maybe they can all tell, and it’s all some big joke pretending to act normal around the weirdo. I don’t know what people are saying about me, it’s all women other than me and one other guy who just started so they’re probably gossiping about all kinds of shit, at least that’s what popular knowledge would have me believe. Someone said in a post on r9k the other night that if you work around mostly females and they aren’t shit talking around you, you should be concerned. I know I make them uncomfortable, I know I make everyone uncomfortable. It’s a fucking joke, I understand that it’s evolutionary for us to dislike/ distrust the weak but circling back onto my earlier point can’t we exercise some control over our baser instincts given how we aren’t living in caves anymore. I’m not saying I think I want anyone to give me some succ, I actually don’t feel entitled to sex like a lot of people would claim about incels or whatever I am. I just want people to maybe not resent me or feel weird around me, maybe even make a little more effort in conversation if they can tell I’m having a difficult time. It’s not hard to tell, and I do the same thing when I get customers who I know are a little awkward or nervous. There’s a university not too far from me see, so I occasionally get a few guys who I can tell are a little similar to me. Around the same age, and carry themselves in a way that I can just tell, if that makes sense. They usually come in alone and don’t speak very loud and might have their change ready before coming in so they don’t have to get it out at the counter. I always try my best to make them feel comfortable, again because it gives me the good feelies thinking I might have made life just a little more bearable for a minute for them. It’s really not much to ask for, but almost no one is willing to do it. When they do, I’m so deprived of human warmth I immediately become way too grateful and can’t keep them out of my thoughts. They don’t know this though, or at least I don’t think they do. You’re shunned because you don’t know how to act, which brings me onto the subject of this Wizchan screenshot that really activated my almonds the other day.
It’s all interesting stuff, but the second post is the one that really kind of changed how I think a little. This idea that I and people like me are unable to tap into this secret tongue, which I suppose is a combination of body language and the right kind of eye contact and tone of voice and a bunch of other things, just makes so much sense to me. It also builds upon this idea that has always kind of fascinated me, and which I kind of got close to talking about before in my “thinking about thinking about things” entry. This conflict between our nature and our “spirit” I suppose. I don’t know, spirit might not be the right word here maybe intellect or higher being I can’t think of any one word that expresses what I want to without being potentially misleading. I think it’s clear what I’m trying to get at though, hopefully. I mean it’s not something that only I think about, clearly this question has been asked since we’ve been capable of asking it. We know that something separates us from all the other animals on the planet, but yet we know we are still alike also. Intelligence works maybe, but that’s another tricky word because it has a few different ways of being used so there’s still potential confusion. In some cases it’s used to describe the general characteristic which we think separates us from the rest of the animals (like how we say we’re looking for “intelligent life” on other planets) but often it’s also used interchangeably with cleverness which is a completely different thing. That confusion is what was blocking my progress on the issue I talked about in “thinking about thinking about things” actually, because sure being thoughtful or engaging abstract ideas is what we mean by that first definition of intelligence so it’s understandable that I and I’m sure plenty others assume that more of that is “more” intelligence but it’s this other use of the word which was getting me stuck. You convince yourself you’re some misunderstood genius, when in reality you can be a total idiot but just very thoughtful, and all because of this quirk of the English language. That’s what the “smart but lazy” thing is, ultimately. Language is both our liberator and our jailer, but this is again not some great insight plenty of people have talked about it.
Anyway, I’m really all over the place here I’ll try to get back on course a little. You might remember me ending that “thinking about thinking about things” post by saying that what ultimately links people like me together isn’t social alienation or introversion or lack of interest from women, although those are of course often things we have in common, but that we both spend so much more time thinking about things than normal and respect others who do. I also said that this is why those of us who are like this but lack self awareness gravitate to this idea that is right now best represented by the NPC meme but before in terms like sheeple, etc. Well I basically think that there’s kind of a spectrum (not the autism spectrum, although it is funny that autism and autist are terms so commonly thrown around in places we congregate, like r9k) which kind of covers this nature/ reptile brain aspect of humanity and this “intelligence”, for lack of a better term. I don’t think it’s new, like I said it’s something that I think is very common to think about. See, when I was in my /pol/ phase (not that I’ve put those ideas behind me, I’m still influenced by my time there) Evola was brought up a lot. He was a thinker of the Traditionalist School who were apparently a group that believed in this idea called the perennial philosophy. I never read anything from him, maybe I will one day in fact I plan to, but from what I understand the idea of the perennial philosophy is that all the major religions and belief systems found the world over are all trying to get at the same fundamental Truth. So, maybe I’m completely off here but it seems to me that in order to get an understanding of this Truth, one should look at what these religions share in common and discard the rest. Well, something that stands out immediately is how seemingly independently these religious orders have in one way or another arrived at a kind of asceticism. Whether it’s drug and alcohol abstinence or fasting or more extreme things like buddhist monks who meditate in extreme climates or the Japanese monks who mummied themselves while still alive by deliberately dehydrating themselves. Of course it’s the Japanese who took things to the absolute extreme, they really do as a people embody this end of the spectrum I’ve imagined, which might be why so many people like me have this obsession with japan and Japanese culture actually now I think about it but I can’t get sidetracked again now. The idea is always that these kind of activities bring you closer to God/ Enlightenment/ Truth/ whatever, and really what they all are is you deliberately going against your nature or instinct to indulge. The seven deadly sins are all instinctive/ animal associated behaviour. Perhaps that the idea of man as fallen, common in Christianity is getting at the same thing. Our intelligence, this thing that separates us from animals if unrestricted by our nature is God. So we really do get closer to it, the more we choose not to indulge.
I don’t know, maybe I sound like a total idiot and none of this makes any sense. I’m always so self doubting, it’s hard to commit to anything without feeling like a fraud. I’m not sure anyone is even capable of an original thought nowadays, we’re so bombarded with information it’s probably just us riffing on something we heard or read and thought we’d forgotten about. I think what people call the crabs in a bucket mentality of 4chan doesn’t help someone like me either. They say that during a Triumph in ancient Rome, which was this parade celebrating a major victory, the general leading the procession would have a slave who would stand right behind him and whisper “Memento mori” in his ear over and over. That translates roughly to “remember you are mortal” I think, and in moderation I think 4chan has the same effect. Unlike basically any other major forum or social media platform or whatever which is basically a complete fucking hugbox in comparison you actually get called out on your shit and I think that’s healthy. Most of the users though, especially in the /pol9k/ sphere of the site which doesn’t just mean those two boards but anywhere else that group predominates, aren’t casual users at all they’re there for several hours a day. After so much time around it does become less of a positive and more like the crabs in a bucket, and you can kind of tell who is and who isn’t steeped in this after a while. You really can sense this “newfag”, or nowadays I guess people will call you reddit meaning the same thing, aura from certain posters. I think I have more to say though, going back to that wizchan screenshot. Maybe the opposite end of the spectrum from the ascetic detached thoughtful end are the normalfags, the people who just are tuned in to this secret tongue.
I also have something to say in regards to that third post on there, the one at the bottom which talks about intuition and instinct. See his initial response was quite different from mine, an equally fascinating way of looking at this though. Whereas I kind of think that maybe it is just instinctual for people to tap into this secret tongue, and that being people who are more on the detached/ unbound end of this spectrum I’ve imagined we can’t tap into it. He says it’s something learned, and the reason we can’t tap into it is I guess because we never went through that learning process. In his view the normalfags actually agree with me as it being instinct, but they believe that it’s universal and anyone can tap into it unlike me. It’s probably because there are normalfags who suffer from social anxiety and things like that, I mean every youtube e-celeb seems to have it and every soundcloud rapper and every millennial normalfag with a platform anywhere really. It’s more common than fucking toxoplasmosis at this point, but these people still manage to have friends and romantic relationships and careers so naturally to incels and robots that’s all a little suspect. I’m not going to get into that issue right now though, perhaps another time. The point is that for those people bee urself does kind of work, and so it’s just assumed it must work for all people with “social anxiety” which is a term I think we should just kill off because as I’ve explained it clearly is used to describe two groups of people at once and that’s having a negative effect. Once again with the tricky nature of language. So you’re shunned for not being able to communicate using this secret tongue, you feel “off” to people and therefore you never have any opportunity to get better. If we’re sticking with that anon’s metaphor of learning the piano, you won’t ever be able to become a maestro if you don’t start learning from a very young age, but you can still learn to play competently as an adult. What do you do though if no music teacher will do lessons with you? I think that some of us are just meant to be alone, but even though we might be less in touch with out beast nature it is ultimately still there and it roars at us in hunger constantly.
I don’t know what I’m talking about, I just had to loosen the tap and let this stuff out it’s not a cohesive piece of work. This isn’t a thesis or an academic paper, and yes I’m doing that cowardly thing people do who want to hide from real criticism by saying “I’m just throwing ideas around man, don’t take me seriously”, it’s just what’s been on my mind. I kind of had to get it all out, I rushed my last entry because I felt I was taking too long between updating. I think I’ve got it all out of my system, I hope this is interesting or entertaining. I’ve been thinking about this blog itself some more too, I’ve finally decided what I want to do. You probably already have heard of the album ITAOTS (I know I’m an entry level /mu/ hipster faggot, pls no bully), well after it was done the main guy behind the project Jeff Magnum never recorded again as far as I’m aware. He knew when he was done, he knew that record would be the peak of his artistic career. Well, one day I suppose I’ll be done with this. Elliot Rodger left behind his “manifesto” before he went on his shooting, My Twisted World (I’ve both read through it myself and listened to a reading, if you haven’t already it’s worth at least a read) and I understand exactly why he did. It’s about having some control over how you’re remembered, see it was called a manifesto but it was more of an autobiography and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t actually referred to as a manifesto in the document itself. I’m aware of plenty of normies who actually read through the thing, and pretty much every last one of them had some sympathy after, but the many more who only heard what was said about him on the news or in a few short interviews with his family tended not to. If you read it you get an idea of his thoughts and beliefs and how they evolved, a rundown of all the important and meaningful events in his life and a real sense of closeness/ humanity. It’s hard to hate anyone you know so intimately. I don’t give a shit about the normalfucks he killed so that wouldn’t bother me anyway, but of course for most people that’s an issue, without an understanding of the guy they hate him.
In a way Elliot still lives on through MTW, I mean I remember there was a weekend a couple of years ago where some anon had found like 300 never before released photos of him throughout his life and was releasing them slowly over multiple threads. Well at one point I was suddenly reminded, this guy is dead. Not only is he dead, I’ve only ever known of him after his death. Yet I feel like he was part of my life, I know I’m not the only one what about that mullato guy who’s built a whole youtube channel on talking about Elliot. I’m not saying I plan to commit a mass shooting, there are no guns here. But one day when I finally feel like I’ve finished. When I feel that this blog taken as a whole truly represents who I am and was, I’ll switch it from most recent at the top to the reverse and be done. Or maybe I’ll do nothing of the sort and decide to keep going forever, or maybe within a year I’ll stop getting any visitors and give up, but I have this little romantic vision right now and if I stick to it that’d be cool. I find it so hard to talk to people you know. If everything is all in one place, all my concerns about context and being taken the wrong way will be gone. People have this tendency to ascribe a motive for something you do because it happened recently, and they miss the bigger picture. For example in Elliot’s case if we didn’t have MTW but just some events we knew of, we might think that that night when those guys broke his ankle and robbed him at a party was what made him decide to perform a shooting. It might have been the straw that broke the camel’s back, but with My Twisted World we got a detailed description of all the other straws that didn’t. It’s only with this knowledge, that at last we can understand him. Of course by the time I feel finished I imagine this entire thing will be a lot more daunting and all over the place, because I’m not streamlining at all or in a rush to get it all out, but it should provide a complete picture. How I think about things, how I got to be the person I am, etc. Of course it’s totally narcissistic to assume anyone will give enough of a shit to read everything I publish, but I would do it for someone I found interesting or engaging and I think I can be those things to some people. So that’s the plan, maybe.
Ramblings of a neurotic mess 