Merry Christmas once again

I thought about writing some kind of special post for Christmas, but not a single idea came to me after a day at work spent thinking about what subject I might choose that I felt would warrant such a description. In part because, while I am feeling far better, I’m still dealing with a lot of the same feels that my last post was written to help me make sense of. At least, that was one of the reasons for it’s publishing. I was also hoping that it would make me feel better immediately, and it did help in that way a tiny bit but notably less so than writing for this blog has helped me to feel better at other times over the last year since I started it. It did allow me to make sense of things as I said though, in a way that post is like a diagram of my mental state at the time it was written.

Now here I am, exactly one week on from the night which was the catalyst for the whole ordeal that following Sunday. I haven’t seen her since, but I left a note over night for her to find when she opened the shop one morning wishing her a Merry Christmas (not entirely unlike how I left a note just over a year ago for someone else to find I suppose), and in fact today as I think I mentioned she’s turning 27 so in the group chat everyone wished her a happy birthday. She responded saying thanks to everyone, and I had been looking forward to the opportunity for even this most meagre interaction all week so that was nice. It probably sounds like I’m deliberately trying to paint myself as the most pathetic person to ever walk the earth, but I’m not kidding here. I really was looking forward to simply having the opportunity to wish her happy birthday over text and in turn be acknowledged (though only together as a group) in response.

Of course I don’t have to include this information, but believe it or not my last post actually received a comment (something which I wish I got more often, even if they all end up being hostile and insulting) which affirmed my belief that the honesty I try to express in these blog posts is what probably appeals most to people as well as being what defines my writing/ output on wordpress ultimately. I talk about all kinds of things, I talk about my experiences with or thoughts about music, about philosophy, fiction, psychedelic drugs, my job, homeless people, and yes those unfortunate girls who happen to earn my affection, but there is a through-line to it all.

I’ve talked about this before a few times regarding the theme of doubt, which is something which frequently comes up here. Speaking on what purpose this “project”, or whatever you want to call this thing I’m doing, has though, an emotionally honest insight into the experience of a young male is what I’m trying to present. I’ve gone back and forth on this, sometimes liking the idea and other times cringing at it, but it really does function essentially as journal/ diary that I happen to share with strangers on the internet. Of course the awareness of such a presence (you) changes the writing, changes the structure and the format in various ways both small and large, changes what I might talk about, keeps me motivated to consistently write, etc. Nevertheless, whatever it is I’m doing here is recognisably journal-like.

Now experiences of unrequited love, or at least infatuation I’m really not sure if I feel right referring to any of the experiences of this sort I’ve had over the years as “love”, are something which I think most if not all people in a similar situation to myself will have gone through at least once if not several times. I will admit that for me it’s almost a pathology though, I seem to fall into this situation with a concerning frequency. Oneitis, or whatever term you prefer to use, is a frustrating but inescapable feature of my life. I suppose it’s like the “compulsion to repetition” that Freud talked about, or whatever it’s called. I learned most of what I know about Freud in my psychology A-Level classes back in 2013 so my memory isn’t great and I never finished the first year either, but I think the reference is an apt one in this context.

It’s the right thing to do to include that anecdote at the start is what I’m trying to say, because it is emblematic of the situation at large. I’ve only just read back through that previous post today. as is probably made obvious by the many mistakes and absence of links when referencing older posts, I didn’t even read through it to do any editing the day I uploaded it. And I noticed when reading it back to myself today that I mentioned the recognition I feel when interacting with her which I’m glad I did because it is a large part of why I have developed the feelings I have. There are so few people who I’ve met who can consistently make me feel that way, who I feel more real after interacting with than less. Most conversations I have with people have always seemed off, like we’re kind of talking past one another.

It’s quite difficult for me to explain what is different with these few people, or even what the issue I’ve always had with most normal people is, I’m really struggling to put it into words. I probably use this word way too much, but it’s like there’s a certain resonance. When I find someone like this, it’s like when you’re fiddling with a radio dial and getting nothing but static and then you finally find a station. It’s not even necessarily the case that these people are anything like me, if you were to say look at their interests or personality type or anything like that then in several cases (though in total there are only a handful of people like this I’ve found, new oneitis of course, my only two current friends who I’ve talked about a few times, an Egyptian guy I knew when I was 17/ 18, and a guy in my chemistry class when I was 16, and maybe one or two others I can’t remember right now) you would find they are quite different from me.

In turn there are many people who share several interests with me (both superficial and more meaningful ones), who have a personality more like my own, who come from a more similar background, who may even share in the same difficulties I’ve always had, and yet I just don’t have this connection with them. In the abstract I might, in that last post I talked about the author/ poet Fernando Pessoa who is a figure that I very much relate with, yet there’s no reason to assume that if I were to have been able to meet him, or someone very similar, we would get along. I guess the only way I can explain it is to refer to the whole “bee urself” meme, because that’s what I’m able to do around them in a sense while being unable to around anyone else. That is my demeanour, how I carry myself, how I respond to things I find funny or sad or annoying, how I speak and move, around these few people is far closer to how I am when I’m at home and truly relaxed than how I am around most other people.

What is noteworthy is that new oneitis is the first female who I’ve met who is able to put me at ease in this way. Every other person like this that I’ve described, though they are few in number, has been male. I’m hoping there might be more people like this, I guess I’ll have to just wait and see, but for now she is the outlier. Until her, the one unifying factor I could think of to help me try and figure out how to find more people like this was that they were all male. After all I am generally even more awkward around women than men, and this whole phenomenon I’m talking about is a post-puberty one. Now that doesn’t mean that the two things were exactly aligned or even connected literally, but around a similar time period but possibly slightly before beginning puberty I went through a fairly significant personality change.

I started secondary school and for the first year I had two pretty good friends with whom I would regularly get into trouble for acting silly in class, getting into little fights with, the typical mischief you can expect from a 11 year old boy. I became very well known rather quickly for being a class clown kind of character, and not just in my class but across the whole year group because I was so frequently sent on “time out” to other classrooms. At the end of that year I was sent to a behavioural correction unit for the last quarter of that year, and then the first quarter of the second year. When I got back, I was kept separate from those two friends and moved into a new class with people who knew me by reputation but I didn’t know at all for the most part. This was the point in my life where things changed quite drastically, I became the shy/ nervous individual I really still am to this day.

I went from someone who got excited when we were told we would have to make a presentation in front of the whole class (I remember giving a presentation on Roman occupied Britain in that first year and really enjoying it), to someone who began to feel dread when told to prepare to do one, within a period of about a year. I did find new friends in time, but they were very different kinds of people. The nerds, the other awkward kids who spent lunch break in the library away from everyone else. And I didn’t really feel that comfortable around them anyway, by this time I had become the person I am today in a way. This was really the year where I first felt truly out of place, or at least this is the year where the process of becoming that loner/ weirdo character I had always felt a strange kinship with despite not being similar to actually started.

I spent a lot of time struggling with this, but then towards the end of the third year I met the first person of this new type I started this entry off trying to describe. In his case, not only did he have this ability to put me at ease and allow me to bee myself around him but we actually did share many interests and ideas, and also the same problems with awkwardness and loneliness. The two of us were very close for a time, and eventually we brought in that third friend and those two are now the only friends in the world I really have left. At least irl, for the time being, of course I’m always hoping things will change. Everyone since then has just been a normie, people that aren’t like me at all I don’t think. Yet they have something, some quality, and I don’t know what it is. It is a most elusive characteristic, if only I could more easily identify it my life might have been much easier.

For all this talk of changing personality though, there is also much which has remained as is. Last Christmas I took the MBTI test for my “Christmas special” post, because I thought it might be something fun for me to go through and for others to read, and I kind of made a mockery of the questions. I said I would write a follow up to that post, but I never did. I forgot about it honestly, and then when I came to write my Addenda post where I responded to many disparate things which I wrote over the entire first year of the blog, I was reminded but for some reasons decided against including a section about it. I guess I have some thoughts now though, which kind of relate to what I’ve been writing about in this post so far, and as I said at the start I don’t have any real ideas for what to do for this post so a response to the last Christmas post is as good an idea as any.

So I was pretty mean in that post, I dissected each question and I think made the test look pretty silly. Yet I don’t actually think the MBTI is entirely without value, I think it’s unscientific and the actual tests they use to find out what category to put you in tend to be terrible, but the general idea of separating people into various personality types makes sense to me. People say things like “oh yeah, so you think there are only 16 different people in the world”, and of course I don’t as that would be ridiculous, but I do believe that we can categorise people by personality type. The most well known site, the one I used last year, is 16personalities.com, and one thing I will say that I like about it is that as well as the wordy/ jargon terms for the different personality (INFP, ENTP, etc.) they also give each type a more normal name.

INFP for example, the result I got last year and also two of the three other times I’ve taken similar tests in the past, is also referred to as the mediator. Interestingly last year when I took the test they called that type the dreamer, which I think I prefer and certainly feel is a better description of myself than “mediator”. The one time I got a different result I believe I was given INTP, which they give the cutesy nickname of the logician, and I can see it to an extent but I actually do have to say that when reading the descriptions for all sixteen types (you can find them on the 16personalities site if you’re interested) the INFP one does seem to fit me more so than any other. The funny thing being that I didn’t actually get that result every time, and that at least last time when they showed me my results for the test I was very close to getting almost the complete opposite result for three out of the four metrics they use to figure out which of the 16 types you fit into.

There’s also a fifth measure used only by the 16personalites site, at the end separated by a dash. Turbulent or Assertive, which I didn’t really read much about but it seems to me that turbulence is being used as a placeholder for neuroticism. Honestly though I would just drop the whole scientific façade entirely, and instead simply present the 16 types without the silly letters and just ask people to self identify. I feel like I got a much better understanding of which of the types I am most like by reading all 16 descriptions than by taking the stupid test. The test if anything, because of it’s many faults, almost led me away from the type which most describes my own personality. I say most as well, rather than simply saying it does describe me, because of course no one fits neatly into any one category.

If you read through these descriptions then you’ll find that a fair few could be said to describe you reasonably well, the idea being that only with one do you have that “omg literally me!” reaction. It doesn’t help that they describe each type in a very romantic fashion, every type is unique and only a small percentage of the population and so on. It’s a little nauseating to be honest, and in fact these cloying descriptions given for each type are part of the reason that I have had this gut reaction of distrust for this site and the other MBTI online tests I’ve taken in the past. Another reason is that they often give examples of people who you know never took the test (because some of them are hundreds of years old or fictional) for each type, Tolkien and Frodo Baggins are both given as examples of INFPs for example.

Now I have this understanding that the types function more as modern archetypes than some scientific categorisation (in fact I believe the people who originally developed the MBTI model were influenced by Carl Jung) however, I understand how they were able to decide upon these examples. Indeed the method for how they identified these old writers, politicians, historical figures and fictional characters is probably more effective than the tests we use to find out for ourselves which of the 16 types we might be most like. People aren’t stupid, but these tests tend to be, I say just let people self identify. I’m not sure what the value in the tests actually is, they seem kind of silly in fact as I think I demonstrated fairly well last Christmas. Now to try and tie the two disparate threads of this post together, I’m going to talk about a line from the INFP description page from the 16personalities site.

Comprising just 4% of the population, the risk of feeling misunderstood is unfortunately high for the Mediator personality type – but when they find like-minded people to spend their time with, the harmony they feel will be a fountain of joy and inspiration.

It seems to be referring to the exact phenomenon I was talking about before, which is rather interesting. Yet that one term “like-minded”, doesn’t seem to fit. Because as I explained most of the people who I’ve been able to have this connection with were not like me. Or maybe they were, maybe they were also of a similar if not the same personality type. Which is something different from character, Character and Personality are two very different things. To explain, Character is like a raiment, it’s clothing. Character is entirely individual and you wouldn’t be able to categorise types of character like I believe you can with personality. It is your foibles and the baggage you pick up over the years, the wounds and the victories, it’s the art you find most important, your aesthetic sense. It is the outermost aspect of who you are, what people first encounter.

Personality is different, I believe that if you could go back in time one hundred years, or even one thousand, you would still find that when you scratched away the historical and individual baggage you would find people who are entirely recognisable. You won’t find anyone who loves Marvel movies or Steven King novels in the 1400s, but you will find these same archetypes. And while I’m not sure if 16 is the perfect number, perhaps you could break it down into 40 personality types, or maybe 16 is too much, I think it might just be serviceable. And I guess below the personality maybe there’s a soul, if you believe in the idea I’m not sure if I do or not. That’s a whole separate subject for a whole different post (or several), so for now I will avoid the issue.

So the question is, if you wipe away the superficial character stuff and try and see where these people I’ve known would fall on the MBTI (which isn’t perfect as I will repeat, but seems better than any alternative I’ve seen thus far), would they INFP like myself? Or at the very least, does the INFP description fit them even a little even if another fits them even more accurately? Well it’s hard to say, because most of them I didn’t get to know very well. Indeed one of the things that frustrates me quite a lot is that I feel like I’m being kept apart from new oneitis. I spoke about that a little in the last post, and it’s true. Even though she’s the only person so far at this job (male or female) who I felt rather comfortable in the presence of almost immediately after being introduced.

I actually remember the very first time I saw her, I put my hand out to shake hers with no nervousness at all. Everyone else at this job I had an awkward first greeting with, other than her. I remember shaking her hand and her smiling and being completely taken aback by how easy it was, when I had been dreading the interaction all morning. After all as I said, first greetings for me almost always go rather awkwardly even with other people mentioned in this grouping I’m talking about today. I know it sounds like I’m totally pedestalising this girl, and I’m not saying she’s this perfect goddess or anything if that’s the impression you’re getting. She’s just a normal person, actually most of her interests don’t really interest me and she’s far from a “dream partner” or whatever.

All I’m trying to express with this post, regarding her anyway as I’m also talking about other things, is that while she may be just a normal person I’m not. Yet I feel normal when talking to her. That’s really it, I just don’t feel like an awkward fucking freak around her and it’s refreshing. Even around the other girls who I’ve referred to as oneitis I didn’t have that, I didn’t really enjoy being in their company. As I’ve talked about in some depth, I think I was just lonely and therefore I unconsciously would have turned anyone into a “oneitis” type figure who I met and fit the very basic criteria, which just so happened to be those other girls I started working with. Of course there’s very likely still an element of that at play here as well, but I do genuinely like this one as a person.

There’s this one anecdote with her in fact that I didn’t end up mentioning last week for some reason but is one that I can’t help but keep returning to in my mind. When we finish a shift where I work we have to write down how much money we made, and we bring up a report on the till screen to show this. Now it shows two figures, the number of customers that we met that day and the amount of money we made. Almost every time I’m switching over with someone it comes up as part of the usual smalltalk conversation, and while everyone else always unthinkingly mentions the amount of money made when I ask how things went, when she first started she would always mention the amount of people.

It’s just interesting because I did the same thing, whenever someone would ask how busy it had been or how well I’d done that day I would assume they meant how many people had been in the shop and answer in that fashion. After a time I noticed that everyone else answered with the figure made, and so eventually I just started thinking in that way, and she seems to have done so as well. In fact we joked about it a few months ago, though if she were to ever see this and realise how much thought I’ve given to it I’m sure she’d think I’m a total weirdo. And does it mean anything? I don’t know, honestly. It feels significant to me, like it shows a certain innocence or naivety which would be characteristic of a dreamer/ mediator type I think is fair to say, but maybe there’s no significance. I do tend to read significance into almost everything, especially silly little things like this, which I suppose is itself also fitting for this personality type.

I don’t know, and I’m not really sure I have anything else to say about this. I think for a post that I started writing with no plan whatsoever this has turned out rather well as it is, and so here is a good place to stop. I feel like maybe there’s more I could say, a few things I could have elaborated on, but I’m tired and I want this post to actually be out on Christmas and I won’t be able to write at all tomorrow until late at night because I’ll be spending the day with my dad. Maybe I’ll elaborate more on some of this stuff when I do a second Addenda post later next year, or maybe I’ll even leave it until next Christmas and talking about personality will become a kind of odd yearly tradition. Only time will tell, I don’t really have a plan. I hope you’re having a lovely Christmas, wherever you may be, and to see you in the next post.

Merry (belated) Christmas my friends

I’m not really sure how I feel about the MBTI test, more specifically the 16personalities.com test which is the one everyone uses, because on the one hand it’s clearly not much more than a glorified horoscope. Yet so many people take it seriously, for whatever reason and despite the obvious flaws. I suppose because it was influenced by Jung who is this figure that so many hold in very high esteem today. Anyway, I’ve taken the test a couple of times before and of course I got two different results. Now yes they were a few years apart, but still I feel like with this test you could take it twice in a month and get two different results. Anyway I was about to start the test a third time because I’ve been reminded of it a lot lately and was almost immediately annoyed by the questions, and then I remembered I have a blog now (even if no one ever reads it) and an outlet for me to talk about things that bother me. Also I have less free time this week so this will be something easy to do and still stay on top of my one post a week schedule. So here we go, this should be the last time I do this test and I’ll have it recorded somewhere. The test is quite simple, there are several pages with about six statements each. For every statement you have seven options, which are not labelled very helpfully at all. See it’s a series of dots with agree on one side and disagree on the other, the dot in the centre is grey to represent “neutral” everyone assumes even though it’s never said anywhere and the coloured dots (green for agree, brown for disagree) get larger the further out from the centre you get. Maybe this will lead to me doing to test wrong somehow, but I’m going to call the largest dot “strongly agree”, the middle one “agree”, and the smallest one before neutral “partially agree”. Hopefully this is a little interesting for anyone reading.

You find it difficult to introduce yourself to other people.

This one is fine, and I’ll put strongly agree.

You often get so lost in thoughts that you ignore or forget your surroundings.

Ok this one bugs me a little bit, see I put partially agree because that’s the honest answer but I had to think about it and I very easily could have put something else. Like I was saying earlier, if I took this a month from now or after just long enough to forget this question would I put something different? I’ll put partially agree because I can get lost in thoughts/ end up daydreaming while walking or doing something that doesn’t require much thought, however it happens less often than it used to and even then I wouldn’t say it happened often. There can be several days where I’ll walk to work and do my thing there and not really spend much time dwelling on anything other than surface level crap and immediate concerns. Also though, this particular part of the test is clearly trying to get at something bigger through this statement. The real question is, are you a particularly thoughtful person? Which I would probably put strongly agree to, but certainly at least agree. I’ve actually written quite a bit about this, in Thinking about thinking about things. I understand the importance of thoughtfulness as a personality trait and maybe that’s why I recognise what this question is really about. So because of certain circumstances and learning to control my thoughts more over time, by answering this question more honestly I may actually be answering the “real question” less honestly if that makes sense. This is a big problem with this test, there are similar questions later that have the same problem. They use these irl examples of things they think would express a certain trait, but often the examples aren’t a perfect parallel as in this case. Still, I think the best choice is to answer the question honestly and if that leads to a clearly inaccurate final result that will better show the issues with this test.

You try to respond to your e-mails as soon as possible and cannot stand a messy inbox.

Firstly this is really two statements at once, which hopefully everyone can understand is really stupid. So I kind of had a hard time answering this one and while I ended up going with partially agree I again very possibly could have gone with something else, in this case neutral. See if it was just the second part, I’d say I agree or even strongly agree maybe. I do generally feel kind of uncomfortable with mess and clutter but I’m also admittedly quite a lazy person. I’ve also struggled with finding motivation even for small things like cleaning up my immediate living space or studying for tests etc. for as long as I can remember. So not only is this just a missed opportunity, because had this been separated into two questions they could have had one be about orderliness and the other about.. I don’t know industriousness maybe, but also if your answer is yes to part but no to the other it’s just difficult to find an accurate answer. See I do prefer to keep a clean inbox if we’re sticking with this particular example, but at the same time unless I’m expecting an e-mail it might take months or longer for me to check it. I also have several “lost” e-mail accounts because it’s been so long since using them I forgot the passwords. I know they have the word “try” in there for a reason which does make it a little less annoying but it is still two separate statements.

You find it easy to stay relaxed even when there is some pressure.

This one is also a little more difficult to answer, because it’s so vague and I react quite differently to being under pressure depending on various other circumstances. I’m not the kind of person to hyperventilate or have panic attacks, but I wouldn’t say I react well to stress I just retreat or avoid it whenever possible. Yes, it is cowardly of me and possibly my worst character trait. I shouldn’t be reading into these too much though, so while I do think this question is more generally asking if I react well to stress, they asked if I stay relaxed which is generally true I usually can keep my cool even when cornered with responsibility. The only exception being certain social situations, then I can get pretty shaky and visibly nervous. I’ll put agree partially for this one as well because of that last thing.

You do not usually initiate conversations.

I’m going to put partially agree yet again, I imagine these partially agree/ disagree options are going to be used a lot throughout this. See if you were to collect a record of all the conversations I’ve ever had then yes probably quite a lot more were initiated by others than by me, and yes I also am very shy and have a difficult time talking with most people naturally, but at the same time with the few people I am totally comfortable with I’m far from reserved or guarded. Now I know to take only the conversations with those people might seems somewhat arbitrary but think about it. Another word we use for shy people is “inhibited”, the Oxford definition of which is “Unable to act in a relaxed and natural way because of self-consciousness or mental restraint. The keyword being “natural” there. So while it is on the one hand true that I don’t initiate conversations usually it could be argued that, seeing as with the few people I am comfortable with I will actively seek to chat, I do and there’s an outer shell I wear when facing the outside world which isn’t my real personality. This is something I’ve thought about giving it’s whole own entry actually, and if I end up writing a whole paragraph for every question this one will be absurdly long, so I’ll save it for now. Point is there are two ways I could answer this and while I’ll go with the more “true”, materially speaking, answer in this case it’s another bad question.

You rarely do something just out of sheer curiosity.

This one is actually perfectly fine, and also fairly accurate so I’ll put agree. First page done.

You feel superior to other people.

I’m genuinely wondering what kind of person would actually say agree to this statement. I’m pretty sure even the most contemptible fedora tipping neckbeard strawman you could think up would hesitate to do so. I’m convinced that the real idea behind this question, what they’re really trying to find out with your answer, is how much self awareness you have. I’ve talked about the whole NPC meme before and how it’s the most recent expression of the “sheeple” joke, and I suppose the kind of people who without thinking would use that might say they agree but most of those people are teenagers who are still mentally developing. I understand that way of seeing the world because I’ve been there, in fact I think it was also Thinking about thinking about things in which I talked about this I believe. On the other hand though it could be argued that I am superior to many people. I wouldn’t say I’m superior to people as a general rule, but by any standard that would be used to judge such a thing (intelligence, athletic ability, raw strength, whatever) there will be people I’m superior to, and of course inferior as well, the same goes for pretty much everyone on the planet. I feel like a stupid person just reading that back, because it’s so obvious but I felt it was necessary to mention. I’ll go with partially disagree.

Being organised is more important to you than being adaptable.

This one is really difficult for me for some reason, it’s just odd to see these two things placed in opposition to one another because I don’t feel like they really are. If anything being adaptable requires someone who is organised, someone who doesn’t have their shit together isn’t going to be ready when a situation that requires them to be adaptable comes up. I think I have to put neutral, I hope that that choice actually tells the test maker something and isn’t just thrown out. I do wonder how much the neutral answers given are taken into account, especially because they literally suggest to never do so. Why would they even give the option though, and why should you have to try at all with these questions? Seriously, this is a personality test and the answers should be immediately apparent to the person going through it. The fact that I have to question what they’re really asking for almost every question really exemplifies the issues with this test.

You are usually highly motivated and energetic.

This is a much better question, easy to answer and doesn’t seem to have any kind of hidden meaning, I’ll say disagree.

Winning a debate matters less to you than making sure no one gets upset.

First of all this one is just worded really confusingly, not something I’ll go on about but it’s just easy to think you might be giving the wrong answer without realising it. I’ll say disagree partially, because of course I’m not an edgy “dude facts don’t care about your feelings lmao, trigger the libs epic style” faggot but at the same time I wouldn’t be in a debate with someone if I didn’t believe in what I was arguing for. So of course while I generally try not to upset the people around me, and like I was saying earlier there’s only a few people I’m truly comfortable around and would end up debating or arguing with, I wouldn’t be willing to hide my beliefs or fold on something just to make them feel better.

You often feel as if you have to justify yourself to other people.

Very strange question indeed, if it said explain instead of justify perhaps it’d change the entire implication but it’d make way more sense to me. I can’t think of a single instance in my life where I’ve felt the need to justify myself, maybe justify certain decisions but it doesn’t say that. I’m going to have to go with strongly disagree.

Your home and work environments are quite tidy.

Well this is difficult, because I certainly prefer them to be and generally try to keep them that way but due to the laziness I do sometimes let mess build up to a point that would disgust some people. I’ve improved a lot, it’s been over a year since I had any piss bottles in my room for example, but I still have a pizza box in the corner that’s been there for three weeks. I do have this desire to live in a clean environment though and when I stay on top of things my mood is noticeably better, every once in a while I’ll get a sudden burst of motivation and spend a few days really sorting things out and usually I can maintain it for some time after that. I’m going to have to go with neutral again, even if that might mean they throw this answer out too.

You do not mind being at the centre of attention.

I don’t see anything wrong with this one, disagree.

You consider yourself more practical than creative.

I don’t quite see these two as opposed personally, and frankly I wouldn’t ever choose to describe myself as either. I suppose I am the kind to deliberate and spend a great deal of time thinking about something rather than getting to work and fixing things, so I’ll say partially disagree.

People can rarely upset you.

The word “can” here is really what makes this question tricky, because were it just “People rarely upset you” then I would agree or even strongly agree, but the thing is if they really wanted to it would be very easy for someone to hurt my feelings if they wished to. It is true that a lot of what would probably bother most people doesn’t get to me at all, I’m not a prideful person at all, but I have old wounds that hurt when prodded. I’ll go with partially agree.

Your travel plans are usually well thought out.

This is quite similar to the question about the e-mail, but done much better. I have very little experience in this regard (or any for that matter), in fact I’ve really only organised one holiday and that was very poorly thought out. We got lost multiple times, once late at night trying to find out way back to our camp and quite a lot else went wrong, but I’m glad it went that way looking back. So, seeing as any trips I take in future will likely be not much better planned I’ll say disagree.

It is often difficult for you to relate to other people’s feelings.

Strongly disagree, I think I’m a particularly empathetic person and I hope that this blog has so far given that impression.

Your mood can change very quickly.

I’ve also talked about this before here I think, strongly agree.

In a discussion, truth should be more important than people’s sensibilities.

This is a tricky one, but like with all of these I’m never sure if I’m just reading into it way too much or it really is just too complicated for what it’s supposed to be. I really wonder what they think they’re learning about me from my answer to this question. They keep creating these weird dichotomies that just don’t make sense to me and this is another case of that. I mean it really depends on the nature of the conversation. I mean if you’re having a heated political discussion you might feel differently than if someone you care about asks your opinion and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. Maybe I’m just nitpicking here though, I think I get what they’re really asking. So agree, because I do think honesty is something important.

You rarely worry about how your actions affect other people.

Disagree.

Your work style is closer to random energy spikes than to a methodical and organised approach.

Unfortunately I’m going to have to say strongly agree. In fact I’m waiting on one of those spikes of energy right now, I feel I started this entry really strong but now I’m finding it difficult to find something intelligent to say. I should have just pushed through on Christmas eve when I started this. Now I’m just trying to wrap it up so I can do a proper post again. Maybe this was a mistake..

You are often envious of others.

I don’t actually think I am, I’m going to go with disagree.

An interesting book or video game is often better than a social event.

This is another tricksy one, the word “better” really makes it difficult to answer. See social events are not something that come up often for me anymore. They’ve become incredibly rare in fact, and while I may still turn one down in favour of being alone with a book or video game (and isn’t that an interesting thing to put in the question, rather than say a film, given the associations it has) I’m not sure it’s because those things are “better”. I really don’t like that choice of word, it’s just completely inappropriate in this context. I suppose those things are preferable, but I’ve got to be honest I prefer them in part because they’re easier. A social event is always intimidating for me, but as much as I romanticise the solitary lifestyle I do long for the company of others. When a social event goes well, it puts me in a better mood than any book or video game could do nowadays. Not to say I don’t have many fond memories of spending time alone with various things like that but ultimately there is something rather dissatisfying, and unhealthy as well, about having so many of one’s fondest memories being of spending time alone with someone else’s art. I could go on about this one in particular for quite a while honestly, but I’m just now realising how long this entry might be. I’m not yet half way through the test and already I think this is one of the longest posts I’ve ever made, even though it has taken very little time. I mean it’s been a good while since my last upload, but I’ve spent very little time actually writing this week for obvious reasons. I might just speed through as many as possible now, whenever it’s been longer than a week since my last post I start to get worried. It’s good to know I can get a lot more done when there’s some kind of a prompt or thing to spring off of though, I’ll keep that in mind. I chose neutral.

Being able to develop and plan and stick to it is the most important part of every project.

This is a far better version of what they were trying to do with the organised/ adaptable question. Only partially agree, because of the word “every”, there are always exceptions.

You rarely get carried away by fantasies and ideas.

Strongly disagree, getting carried away with ideas is why this blog exists.

You often find yourself lost in thought when you are walking in nature.

Partially agree.

If someone does not respond to your e-mail quickly, you start worrying if you said something wrong.

I’m going to substitute “e-mail” for “text” because it makes a lot more sense, and agree.

As a parent, you would rather see you child grow up kind than smart.

Again I reject the two things being placed in opposition, and the weird contrivance of them being mutually exclusive. In fact if the child is more intelligent I’d expect them to also be nicer, the two things seem to go hand in hand from what I’ve experienced. Probably because more intelligent parents will of course have more intelligent children, and more intelligent parents will probably do a better job of parenting. I’m going to say disagree, but I know they’ll take that as an agreement with the reverse of this statement which it of course isn’t, rather than a rejection of the premise which is what it is.

You do not let other people influence your actions.

I hope this is another question that is just testing how self aware/ honest with themselves the person taking the test is. Because the answer is the same for everyone, and that’s strongly disagree.

When you sleep, your dreams tend to focus on the real world and it’s events.

I’m thinking strongly disagree, the forms and shapes of the real world are certainly there albeit distorted and entirely new. It’s not “the real world” though, it’s an entirely different kind of place every time.

It does not take you long to start getting involved in social activities at your new workplace.

Strongly disagree.

You are more of a natural improviser than a careful planner.

Ok, they’re really starting to beat a dead horse now. Partially disagree.

Your emotions control you more than you control them.

Disagree.

You enjoy going to social events that involve dress up or role play activity.

Strongly disagree.

You often spend time exploring unrealistic and impractical yet intriguing ideas.

Something about this question makes me very sad, there’s this particularly unpleasant view on things that’s just there under the surface. I know this is becoming a pattern, but it really does come through thanks to a couple of words. “Unrealistic” and “impractical”, as if all thought has to be leading to some material gain. Even the idle thoughts you might have while you’re busy doing some menial task must be, it’s like the person who made this statement can’t appreciate thought as anything other than a vehicle for some real world impact. It’s just daydreams about what nice thing could happen, or whatever. I’m not explaining myself well at all here, and I even left this one to come back to because I thought I’d have something intelligent to say but I can’t. I forgot what I said as well, probably agree even after everything I had to say. I do daydream a lot after all.

You would rather improvise than spend time coming up with a detailed plan.

Partially disagree.

You are a relatively reserved and quiet person.

Strongly agree.

If you had a business, you would find it very difficult to fire loyal but underperforming employees.

Agree.

You often contemplate the reasons for human existence.

It’s questions like this that make me wonder if this test was designed for stupid people, but at least this one isn’t as bleak as the other similar question on the last page. I hate to say that, because as I’ve said before I don’t think of myself as an especially intelligent person, but the way this statement is worded conjures up the image of a total simpleton spending hours of time making no kind of progress. No, I don’t often contemplate any one thing for long at all. You could say I do I guess, I can see it, but it would be a complete simplification. I’m going to have to say partially agree, even though that will probably give an inaccurate result, because again what they’re really asking is whether I’m thoughtful or introspective. It’s so fucking transparent, they ask several questions getting at the same thing and most do a pretty bad job of it.

Logic is usually more important than heart when it comes to making important decisions.

No, I disagree that it’s usually more important, I’d say it’s sometimes more important. Of course I’m going with the dumbed down normalfag way of using that word. So, partially disagree, so they don’t again assume by disagreeing I therefore agree with the reverse.

Keeping your options open is more important than having a to do list.

They just won’t fucking give up with this one will they, disagree.

If your friend is sad about something, you are more likely to offer emotional support than suggest ways to deal with the problem.

Disagree.

You rarely feel insecure.

Strongly disagree.

You have no difficulties coming up with a personal timetable and sticking to it.

Disagree.

Being right is more important than being cooperative when it comes to teamwork.

Partially agree.

You think that everyone’s views should be respected regardless of whether they are supported by facts or not.

I suppose we’ll just ignore opinions/ views that are neither supported by or in opposition to the almighty “facts” here, something that the materialist menace doesn’t seem to be capable of dealing with. So I’ll say disagree.

You feel more energetic after spending time with a group of people.

If the interaction went well then I will, but then after a few hours or maybe the next day I’ll feel quite drained, so partially agree.

You frequently misplace your things.

Disagree.

You see yourself as very emotionally stable.

Strongly disagree.

Your mind is always buzzing with unexplored ideas and plans.

Strongly agree.

You would not call yourself a dreamer.

I don’t think if asked that that is how I’d choose to describe myself, but I wouldn’t say it’s inaccurate either so I’ll say partially disagree.

You usually find it difficult to relax when talking in front of many people.

Strongly agree.

Generally speaking, you rely more on your experience than your imagination.

Partially disagree.

You worry too much about what other people think.

Strongly agree.

If the room is full, you stay closer to the walls, avoiding the centre.

Agree.

You have a tendency to procrastinate until there is not enough time to do everything.

As recently as half a year ago I would have said strongly agree, now I’ll just go with agree. This blog is what is really helping with that actually, of course it could all fall apart at any moment.

You feel very anxious in stressful situations.

I feel like I already did this one.. Partially agree.

You believe that it is more rewarding to be liked by others than to be powerful.

This is tricky, I would say agree but I know that were I already liked by many people I’d disagree. It’s not a personality trait but rather a consequence of my current circumstances which could (although don’t seem to be any time soon) change. I’ll still say agree I suppose, because I do, but I don’t really like the question.

You have always been interested in unconventional or ambiguous things, e.g. in books, art, or movies.

I really don’t like how a lot of these are worded, I mean for God’s sake in what way are those things unconventional. If anything it would be unconventional to not enjoy art of some kind. I’ll agree, because again we all see what this question is really getting at.

You often take initiative in social situations.

Strongly disagree.

Anyway I’m done, half regretting this but it was already too late when I realised it was a bad idea to go back as I’d made quite a lot of progress towards finishing it and it had been a while since my last post. This is actually the result I got the first time I took this test, but not the second time, weirdly enough. So maybe I’ll talk about it briefly in another entry but I just want to get this one out so that’s why I’m doing that here. To whoever decides to read this at some point in the next few days, good luck in the new year and I hope to see you there.