Tag: incels

Blackpill nights

Something happened to me recently that is really bothering me, I think because it has forced me to see that I haven’t been being honest with myself for quite some time. It’s funny as well because I was talking about a very similar thing happening very recently here, where life will sort of throw me a “free retry” I guess you could call it, every once in a while. And even though it always falls apart, and doesn’t lead to any change in my circumstances, it further encourages my naturally passive and lazy tendencies. Anyway what happened was, while I was working, a girl approached me and asked for my number on behalf of her friend. So in the post linked above I talked about the last time this happened, just over a year ago (among other things, that wasn’t the main subject of the post), and I said it was probably a one in a million event that wouldn’t happen again. Yet it did, although as I’ll explain it went even worse this time around and has led nowhere.

So I was cleaning down the display area in front of the shop I work at and I turned around for a brief second and saw a girl walking up to me, she had darkish blonde hair and green eyes, and a big smile. She waved to get my attention, and then she spoke, “Hi there, I was just wondering how old you were?”. Naturally I was kind of taken aback, I’m used to people coming up to me to ask questions about the public transport routes and timetable because there’s a station nearby and a bus stop, but this immediately felt different. I probably had a somewhat confused expression on my face when I responded, “I’m 21” I said with some hesitation.

Now at this point because of her body language and demeanour, which was similar to that of the Spanish girl I talked about in the other post and other girls in my teens who looking back I was definitely right to think were into me, part of me realised what was happening. Yet I was also concerned that maybe I was misjudging the situation because this girl was really pretty, it’s wasn’t just hard to believe that a girl who was that attractive would ask me out, but that she’d need to ask anyone out at all. Of course she wasn’t, she was trying to get my number for her friend, but her friend was also very good looking. Not quite as stunning as the blonde girl, but if I had to rank them on some kind of objective scale (which I don’t like to do) I’d put them very close to one another. If the blonde girl was a “7”, it feels so gross to number people like this, then the friend was a somewhere between that and a “6”. She looked a little bit like that e-girl that used to get posted a lot on r9k, with the really big eyes and the bob haircut. Certainly all that I said about the blonde girl not needing to go out of her way to try to find a bf or hook up or whatever also applies to this friend anyway. Here’s a frequently posted (and kind of cruel, I feel a bit bad even posting it but I don’t know how else to illustrate my point) chart from 4chan to give an idea of what I mean by those numbers.

aOem4ne.jpg

So I turned back around to put the cleaning things down on the counter, and as I did so she kept talking. “Oh, that’s great! The thing is me and my friend saw you from over there (pointing to where they had been sitting probably) and we were wondering if she could get your Instagram, or a phone number?”. I turned around and saw that her friend had also arrived, she had a straight bob of black hair, dark brown eyes and tan/ olive skin. “I d-don’t have any social media” I said “but yeah.. I can give you my phone number”. The girl who was supposedly attracted to me muttered to her friend “Are you for real?” she was visibly nervous/ embarrassed. The friend didn’t seem to pay her any attention, “Yes, a number would be great!”. I turned to look at the dark haired girl, and smiled. She gave a nervous smile, and then looked down at the ground before looking back up at me again.

I reached over the counter to grab my phone, “I’m going to have to check what my number is, I don’t actually know it off by heart” I said to them. Now the thing is, whenever I get into a social situation that I haven’t had time to prepare for I can freak out a little and so my hands were shaking slightly. Because of this I was messing up the stupid lock screen thing and then I had to wait 30 seconds after failing it five times, and as we were awkwardly just standing there waiting their bus arrived. “That’s our bus” said the shy girl. Without even really thinking about it, I just reflexively put my phone away saying “oh, well if that’s your bus..”. The blonde girl looked up at me, “..oh, ok then” she said with a clearly disappointed tone and expression on her face. Before I even knew it they were leaving to catch the bus and I just turned back around to clean the shop, as the realisation that I’d just accidentally rejected this girl sunk in. “Take care” I heard one of them shout to me, I didn’t turn around to say goodbye back.

There was clearly enough time because the bus didn’t leave for another minute though. I could have easily gone through with it, it’s so frustrating. I remember going back around and inside after finishing cleaning and the bus was only just taking off. In fact the entire thing took a few minutes at most. I was still processing it after they had left, like I said I need time to prepare for most kinds of social situations. Luckily I was closing up, so I didn’t have to deal with any more customers and I remember sitting there inside locked away from everyone and having this feeling of disappointment hit me. I can picture the moment more vividly than I can the actual interaction itself with these two girls. I sat there, with my head in my hands, and all that came to mind was this feeling that I had completely fucked up.

The thing is, I shouldn’t have felt that way. Or at least, if what I’ve been telling myself for the last few years was true I wouldn’t. See I wrote another post about half a year ago where I told the story of this girl I had met online back in 2014 and one of the points of that post was to talk about a realisation I thought I had come to after having spent a lot of time talking with her. Of course another point of the entry was just to tell that story, just like how in part the reason for this one is so I can tell the story I just did. I don’t want this blog to just be me writing about things that happened to me, and when I do I want to mostly write about how those things influenced me or changed how I see the world, but I also do kind of just want to tell the stories. I want someone else to know, even if it’s completely anonymous. It feels good to know that someone else has read or heard about the things that have happened to me, it makes them feel more real. It’s also good to have a record for my own sake, because being so isolated the chronology of things can get a little blurry.

So as I was saying, in that post the realisation I was talking about was that I thought I didn’t want a gf. I think what I said was after talking with her (I was 18 when we stopped talking the first time) I no longer fantasised about or believed I wanted a gf. Now of course I’ve talked about having oneitis on this blog multiple times so that might not have made sense, but I mean in the abstract. There might be a particular girl I know who I find attractive and/ or enjoyable to be around who I’d like to be my gf, but when there isn’t I’m not wishing for a gf. The best way to put it in meme r9k speak would be to say, in response to someone posting >tfw no gf, that I don’t know that feel. I think I also said that it felt wrong in some way, like to even want “a gf” is like searching for a person to fit a pre-made box whereas oneitis (what normalfags might call a crush, although that feels more juvenile) is more like you already have a person in mind and build a box around them. Of course, instead of wasting your time with boxes you should be spending time trying to get to know people, but it is what it is.

Were this true though, I would feel better after what happened not worse surely? See, just like in every other area of my life I’m incredibly self doubting about how attractive I am. So surely being approached by a total stranger, the most overt expression of interest there is, should make me feel good. It’s still not enough though, because even though this has happened twice since I came out of the NEETcave and got my first job, I’m still entirely alone. I’m going to be 22 in a few months, and not only have I never had a girlfriend or lost my virginity, I’ve never had even a moment of true intimacy with someone. There was an east african girl who would sit next to me in classes when we were 12 who would always put her arms around me and grope around my crotch as a “joke”. She kissed me on the cheek when no one was around and once followed me half way home, asking me to “be her boyfriend”. I would laugh and say no, thinking she was just messing with me, but eventually she grew distant. That’s the closest I think I ever was, but there are quite a few similar stories.

There was this pale redheaded girl who would skateboard around the street near where I live with her friend when I was 14 years old. I remember the first time I saw them she just stood there staring at me, and then I started to see them there every Friday evening coming home from school and whenever I went out to see my friends on the weekend. At first they just kept staring at me, waiting for me to say something perhaps. Later, one weekend when me and a friend were hanging out on the same street they both came and sat on the stairs above us and having a really loud conversation. Then, one Friday evening I was leaving to go and stay the night with a friend and they started waving at me, so I waved back. The next morning I was coming home, and they were there again. The ginger girl came right up to me, and asked me how the sleepover went. I was completely taken off guard, and just said “What!” and then ran inside. I never saw either of them again.

A year or so after that, I was at a big birthday party for a family friend and there were lots of people who I hadn’t seen in years. One of these people was an Iranian girl I went to primary school with, who I hardly remembered. She definitely seemed to remember me though, and even though I was giving one word answers and clearly visibly uncomfortable she spent a good portion of the evening just sitting with me in a corner trying to get me to talk. I remember her telling me stories about the time when we were kids that I couldn’t recall, like she’d been thinking about me all this time. Maybe I’m just totally misinterpreting the situation, and she just felt like she was catching up with an old friend, but as I was saying earlier these two instances of being asked out since starting this job have helped me understand past events better. Because I can see a similarity in the body language and general demeanour that both of them had. She would also laugh at unfunny things I said, and kept asking me to dance, but eventually she too got bored of trying.

Now there are a fair few more stories like this, although between the ages of 16 – 20 when I was a total hikki and at some points staying indoors for weeks at a time it became far less frequent. There was a period of time where I was going on omegle most nights of the week when I was around the age of 18/ 19, to be honest in part because I enjoyed getting complimented on how I looked which did happen a lot, but also kind of just to have people to talk to. A lot of the girls on there were pretty shitty people though, and I tried speaking to some of them on skype because they’d sometimes ask to add me there, but they were even more difficult to talk to than people irl are and I’d always end up removing them or being ghosted/ removed myself.

I can only think of one example from that time which I really regret, which was this conversation I had with this short haired Australian girl. I actually think at first I was talking to her with the camera off, but we spoke for a good two hours in total. We talked about her job working as a clown at a funfair/ amusement park and what I was(n’t) doing with my life at the time, I was able to talk to her quite easily and usually I was awkward even with people on omegle but not in this case. When I had to go to, she said she wanted to speak to me again.

Now I actually got the timeline wrong in that post linked above talking about the girl from Italy, I was actually talking to people on omegle before I even first met her. Because I remember I created a skype account to talk to her, and I remember this Australian girl asking for my skype and I didn’t have one at the time. When I said that I didn’t have one she started explaining to me how to create an account in some detail, gave me her username, and then told me to add her when I got the chance. For some reason, I’m really not sure why, I never did. I just have this fear that things will always go terribly wrong, so I never make any effort.

I think I’ve figuratively jacked myself off enough though, no one is interested in hearing me go through every single story like this. What I’m getting at is that I think I can safely say that I’m attractive to women, at the very least a certain subset of them, when I objectively look at all of these events together, but on a different day I’ll feel entirely different. And on top of these more memorable events like those talked about above there have been innumerable minor interactions or occurrences, like compliments I get from certain people, flirty female customers, people staring at me then looking away when I notice them and then staring at me again multiple times. It just doesn’t make sense because according to /r9k/ this kind of thing only happens to women or “Chads”, and I’m neither of those.

I’m not sure if I’ve bought into an entirely distorted view of the world, that being the whole blackpill/ lookism thing, or not. See until I started visiting /r9k/ I didn’t think about looks at all, I was completely naïve, I mean I wasn’t even aware that height was something women cared about. Though I’m 6’0 so I don’t even have that to blame for my situation either. Yet the worldview there nowadays is generally that the way you look is the most defining thing in life. Not just in dating/ relationships, although that area is where it’s most important, but in all areas of life. How people treat you, what opportunities are afforded to you, etc. And it’s not just basement dwelling incels who are saying this as is unfairly implied, it’s been studied and documented. There were mainstream news segments even in the 90s talking about it.

The halo effect is something that is pretty hard to deny, and there have been plenty of studies from official institutions/ universities as well. Which I won’t link, because I’m not going to link something I haven’t read and I’ll be honest I’ve only ever read responses to a lot of the studies on this subject not the actual papers themselves. That is either news sites publishing articles on the subject, or just random dorks on youtube. I’m not an academic and I never claimed to be. Of course most dating sites/ apps have revealed statistics that confirm what a lot of “blackpillers” seem to be saying. I’d check that link out quickly if you are interested, because the original article was removed shortly after it was posted and the archives of it get shut down frequently, for some strange reason.

You can go down that rabbit hole yourself though, if you want, that’s not what this blog is about. I’m influenced by that stuff, among other things, but I’ve always had some doubt. Which is because of my uncertainty about my own looks. Because on the one hand if you fully buy into this blackpill meme you’d say that what I’ve experienced is something only the top 20% of chads do, yet I couldn’t be further from a “chad”. I’m skinny, I’m concerningly pale from staying inside for days at a time, there are bags under my eyes. I’ve been told I have sharp features I suppose. In fact during my omegle days someone on there said I looked like a character that the artist Kaneoya Sachiko likes to draw (the artist behind the image in the header), her stuff gets posted on /r9k/ and other boards from time to time, and I’m not entirely sure whether that was a compliment or an insult. Looking back, I actually look much more like that now than I did at the time with my long hair. Anyway, maybe that look or aesthetic is appealing to a certain set of women, I’m not sure.

After all, I have very little real life experience, and I spent a lot of my later development surrounded by this kind of worldview online. I don’t know how normal my experiences are, the ones I was talking about above I mean, for years I’ve been spending hours of time a day with people who tell me that how you look is the only thing that matters. That women think the vast majority of men are not good enough, that if you’re attractive you literally can’t fail at life, that women have unlimited options and will only settle for 6’4 muscular billionaires who have cult leader tier charisma. Ok I was being hyperbolic on that last point, but supposedly the “top 20%”, that’s the figure that is very often given. To be fair, that OkCupid study does support it, and I’m pretty sure there was a very similar result found out by the stats people at Tinder.

There was a thread someone made talking about this subject recently actually, looks and attractiveness that is, and as it was something I had been thinking about a lot I replied. You can figure out my post pretty easily as it mirrors what I said in this blog entry, but it’s post number 52921078 if you just have to be certain, and someone replied to me with the same kind of thing I’m used to hearing when other anons talk about experiences similar to mine. That I am living in an entirely different world than ugly or average looking people, again assuming that I don’t fit into that category myself. I really just don’t know, as it doesn’t feel like I am experiencing a life too different from theirs.

If that were true why am I still a khv at almost 22 years old. I know this blog entry in particular without the context of my usual posts makes me seem really narcissistic and self absorbed, but I’m really not like that. I feel uncomfortable sharing this stuff, I feel uncomfortable even calling myself attractive (in my own head) on the days I feel like I am. The days where I’ll look in the mirror and think “looking good”. Of course, just as often I’ll look in the mirror and think I was an idiot for letting myself be deluded into thinking that. In that thread I just linked the guy right below me talked about how there are plenty of narcissists who think they’re more attractive than they are, and I’m a bit scared of being “that guy”.

I start to feel that maybe the whole blackpill mindset is not just toxic, but actually distorts your view on the world. This isn’t new of course, I’ve gone back and forth on this while having this blog. In some posts I’ve said I don’t buy it and in others I’ve said I do, this is just the first time I’ve really talked about it in any detail. Because you can’t reconcile the idea that I have been getting the attention I’ve got throughout my life because I’m secretly incredibly handsome (according to r9k) and also that being incredibly handsome means you’ll never have trouble finding a gf, as I’ve had a lot of difficulty with that. Ok, so you can say I’ve never tried, like people say about Elliot or sometimes just about incels in general. Sure I’ve never asked a girl out, or tried online dating, but if I still fuck up when I’m the one being asked out I’d only be even more nervous and spergy were it the other way around. I’m not interesting in seeking out humiliation.

So then I think that perhaps my experiences are actually a lot more normal than I was led to believe, which is hard to admit because it’s not like I don’t want to be secretly incredibly handsome, I just don’t think it’s actually true. Not only that, but it’s not like I’ve got anything else going for me. It’s a very easy cope to fall into because when you’ve got to my age and you haven’t ever been able to form a relationship with a woman, you have this voice in your head constantly telling you how useless and worthless you are. You’re nothing. It’s true as well, you’ve been metaphorically told you don’t deserve to exist by women, as a collective. Because of course there’s contraception so sex nowadays doesn’t necessarily mean birth, but it still represents it. You’ve been told that your genes, which are you in the most fundamental sense, shouldn’t continue.

Then I go back again because the exact opposite has happened, I’ve been so close so many times, and on top of that without making any effort myself. Not necessarily close to sex, some of these stories are from before I even hit puberty, but to intimacy or young love which are representative of it you could say. Most of these stories are from after puberty though, and the two most recent ones couldn’t have been any clearer. If a girl was asking to go out with me, it means that she was willing to sleep with me, in fact it means she wanted to. It means that I am desired, so why do I still not feel like that? Why do I feel like the most undesirable person on the planet? Why am I still alone? I’ve just thought about this now, but those two girls the other night were probably talking about me for some time before coming over. Maybe that’s not even the first time they’ve seen me, or at the very least the dark haired girl might have been past before. I wonder what they said, maybe if I knew it would help me.

I’ve tried to figure out what kind of girl it is who I seem to attract, by thinking about what it is that is shared by all the ones who’ve expressed interest in me in the past, but they’re all so completely different. Some were very shy while others were really extraverted and outgoing, some were complete turbonormie/ stacy tier and others were weird e-girls. Every single one of them was from a different ethnic background, from a pale redhead to an Ethiopian, how diverse! So, I don’t really know what I can do. I’m at a loss, to be quite honest with you fam. All I can say is that it’s kind of freeing to just be honest with myself, I am upset about being lonely and unwanted. I do wish I had a girlfriend, I don’t know why I feel like a bad person for admitting that. Maybe I’ve internalised this idea that because I don’t have one, I therefore don’t deserve one, and so I feel bad for wanting something I also unconsciously feel I don’t deserve. I’m not sure.

I don’t really know where else to go with this post, I’m tired and I think there was more I wanted to say, but I’m sure I’ll find a way to talk about it in another post if it really matters that much.

Kinda late in the game

I’m going to be responding to a youtube video I saw recently, it’s from this guy called Monday (a pseudonym obviously) and I know I have always tried not to mention e-celebs and internet personalities by name but this video really helped me stay sane and I want to talk about it. I want to grasp onto it and not let go, I’m scared that if I forget this feeling that I’ll slip back into the dark pit I’ve been stuck in this last week. Now I’ve been watching his videos for a good four or five months now and some of them have been really helpful, or at least thought provoking, but I think this just found me at the right time. He has several channels, but one in particular where he specifically talks about what I guess he would call “the foreveralone phenomenon”, and the video I just saw was on that channel. Now this video, I saw it at the end of what has been a particularly difficult day for me. So I was kind of on the look out for anything that might help me feel better, and perhaps that means I’m finding meaning or a sense of hope that isn’t really there because I’m just desperate, but it feels a little bit real right now and I don’t have much else.. so I’m going to write about it.

Ok, so I’ve tried to explain what happened several times over and had to keep deleting it all so I’m just going to give the briefest summary possible of what happened today. I had a long discussion with my dad, almost seven hours, I told him all about the many ways in which I feel resentful towards him. I told him that I blamed him for me turning out to be so weak willed and spineless, that I blamed him for me losing most of my friends, and because of that I felt like he was also indirectly responsible for me slowly becoming completely isolated and cut off from the world. Now we talked about all of that and a whole lot more as well, and I just felt worse after the conversation was over. I only want one thing, I want him to leave. Now I know how that sounds without the proper context, but I have kind of explained my rather unusual living situation in this post, so maybe give that a read it’s very short. In fact it’s one of the worst posts I’ve ever uploaded, but it’s the only time I’ve talked about my living situation here so it’ll have to do.

I can’t leave, so if I want to be able to try and even start to build some kind of a life he has to be the one to go. Yet he never does, he promises month after month, year after year that he’s making plans to move out and let me have some independence and yet he’s still here. It’s horrible, and I feel bad because as much as I do have a lot of anger and bitterness towards him he is my own father and I’m not strong enough to force him to leave even though I could legally evict him. He has to choose to do it, and if not I’m going to be his age (55) before I can even start my life. That thought is soul destroying, and I don’t see a way out. I’m incredibly “far behind” my peers in terms of the standard set of accomplishments people are generally expected to be working on throughout their lives, and I can’t get started catching up (although I don’t ever see myself on the “standard” path, but just having some kind of life where I feel in control and have something to work towards/ a goal) as long as he’s still around. I mean I could, I could move out and find a place of my own but I’d literally be throwing away several hundred thousand pounds. Also like I said, every time I start to get desperate and say if he won’t leave I’ll just have to he promises again that he will actually leave soon and then I spend another six months to a year just in my room waiting for him to leave so I can fucking do something.

I don’t know if I’ve actually mentioned this story on this blog yet, it might not have come up, but I told him for the first time in the conversation today about this incident which happened to me not too long after I got my job and I think it illustrates what I’m talking about perfectly so I’ll mention it here. I was working a sunday shift, and this Spanish girl came into the shop and asked if she could plug her phone charger into one of the sockets until her bus arrived. Now she was kind of looking at her phone most of the time but also kept stopping to talk to me and for whatever reason I found it surprisingly easy to talk to her. Usually I have a lot of trouble talking with people, women especially of course but it’s certainly with other males too. I can quite vividly remember this one moment where I corrected something she said, and she just gave me this incredibly warm smile while looking directly into my eyes from only a foot away. She was pretty too, not stunning by any means but I’m sure most guys would be perfectly happy with a girlfriend who looked like her.

Then just before she was leaving, she pulled out this big notebook and opened it out on the desk right in front of me and asked me to write down my phone number. So I was a little confused, and I was starting to explain to her that if she gets lost or something it would make more sense to actually call the british transport police rather than me… and then she started laughing. Only then did I actually realise she was asking me out, and she must have assumed I was joking but I really did completely misunderstand her at first. The idea of it was absurd, I actually remember laughing openly immediately after realising what she wanted because of how out of left field it was. Which was probably misinterpreted also, as me laughing at the “joke” she thought I had made.

See this kind of thing doesn’t happen to me regularly because I’m never around women, the idea of getting a girlfriend or even just losing my virginity is always distant, it could happen but it’s not going to be tomorrow, or next week or in half a year. Yes I meet the customers but I’m pretty sure an attractive female customer asking for my phone number is a one in a million event that won’t happen again. The reliable way that most guys find a gf is through a social circle, that’s also the way they find friends more generally speaking and frankly jobs and opportunities as well. Life stems from this nexus in almost every regard, and if you don’t somehow plug yourself into one and instead fall through the cracks it can be incredibly difficult to get by.

Anyway that incident in particular is unusual as I said, but it’s not the only time something similar has happened. I mean, some kind of interaction that has left me convinced that the female was interested. This isn’t me trying to brag, despite what r9k says you don’t need to be chad to attract women, by my age something like 96% of men have lost their virginity. I’m talking about this because it has a greater point, which is that it happens just frequently enough that I never change. It’s why I never fell into this total hopelessness about it that some people on r9k seem to have, because every time I’m getting close to accepting that I’ll just always be alone something like this happens to remind me that I could have had a chance if only something went differently.

Yet nothing ever actually works out, take this example in particular of the Spanish girl. She texted me later that evening, and wanted to meet. I said I couldn’t do the first suggestion because I was working that day, then I made a suggestion and that was “too long to wait”. She was apparently only here for a few weeks, so I don’t even know what her plan was but I kind of felt like my time had been wasted so I deleted her number and the conversation thread. I was also kind of developing oneitis for my co-worker, the one who had a boyfriend (although obviously at this point I wasn’t aware of that) of the two I talked about in my very first few posts. So perhaps that somehow affected how I acted in that situation, I can’t know but it’s a possibility.

Well I just think that it’s kind of an interesting parallel, nothing ever actually happens in my life and I’ve made no progress in any regard. Not just in finding a girlfriend, in any area. See most people are not “go getters” from the start, they have to realise that life isn’t going to come to them, but there are people in the world who don’t need to do anything and it’s easy to convince yourself that could be you. It takes a long period of things not going your way to motivate most people, at this point I’ve read countless stories from normies who claim to have been “robots themselves once” and they always talk about how they had to hit rock bottom first, and in my case especially I think my ability to get excited or motivated is diminished. I don’t mean metaphorically, I mean the region of the brain that governs that sort of thing is somehow damaged, but I’m going to get into that later in this post when I talk about the video.

Now every time it gets really bad and I start to reach this breaking point that a lot of people need to get to, something happens to prolong my lethargy. A girl shows some kind of interest in me, which convinces me I don’t need to make any effort because eventually if this keeps happening I won’t spill my spaghetti or somehow fuck it up, and I never grow the spine to take matters into my own hands. Whether it be online dating, or trying to go back to study, or find some kind of career. I probably will end up alone and with no accomplishments. I’ve also got some other problems with online dating that I’ve talked about here, if you’re interested. So I consciously recognise this, but I don’t feel like it really is that way.

As I say, something prevents me every time from hitting that point where I recognise this reality on a deeper level. Yes I know this doesn’t reflect well on me, a stronger person wouldn’t just keep up the inertia that is slowly destroying them, but obviously I’m not a stronger person. I’m like the frog that’s slowly being boiled alive, but every time I start to perhaps figure out the water is heating up the water is cooled down slightly. There’s a big difference between being able to consciously recognise what is happening and being able to actually reroute these damaging thought patterns. It literally is biological, there is something deeper. I’ve tried for half a decade to “think my way out” of this way of living and I can’t do it.

So in the discussion I had with my dad I brought that story up for a different reason, it’s only upon reflection after talking with him and both things being on my mind that I had this eureka moment where I realised there was this pattern in both areas of my life. There is a big difference as well, in the case of him constantly promising to leave he’s deliberately stringing me along rather than me perhaps stringing myself along you could say in other regards. On top of that, it is my own father doing this to me so there’s an added feeling of betrayal. Because we all understand that as a parent the one thing you should prioritise is the success and happiness of your offspring, I don’t think anyone would disagree.

Yet if I actually expect him to live up to this I’m called entitled, I’m blaming my parents for my own character faults, and I’m the kind of person on which that kind of line of thinking actually will work. I’m very self critical, I’m always trying to make sure that I’m not just “coping” or lying to myself. Yet when I really think about it, this kind of pattern started when I was in my early teens and he had taken over the role of main carer. I actually can accept that it’s kind of a “bad look” to blame your parents for all your troubles in life, but surely it’s even more pathetic and shitty to blame a young teen who is in your sole care for them failing on the most fundamental level.

The reason I mentioned the story with that girl when talking with him was because at one point he asked if I thought I’d find a girlfriend soon, the implication being that would perhaps make me happier, and I said I found it incredibly unlikely. Now maybe it’s because I just never talk about this sort of thing with him, the subject has come up maybe three or four times ever, but he seemed really surprised that I would say that. So he kept trying to move back to that subject, and I guess I thought that that story would better explain. It’s not that I don’t think I can find a gf, it’s that I don’t think I will. Again I mean I don’t rationally see it happening, of course in some sense I still feel otherwise but I’m somehow aware this is self delusion.

I don’t see myself changing certainly not while I’m still living with him. As I said I’ve become a very resentful person and I just get angry when I can even hear him in the other room. I’ve been getting violent intrusive thoughts more and more frequently over the last year or so. He said to me that in these trips away he takes a couple times a year I don’t seem to change, but I’m going to need to be away from his poison for longer than that to get better and in fact I actually am noticeably more productive and happy when I’m away from him for more than a week. Here’s an example, despite the whole situation that I was going through last time he went away right around the start of this blog I wrote almost twice as many posts in that month than most since. It took a while to return to normal as well, as I wrote quite a lot in the second month as well, and then after a few weeks of him getting home this depressive fog settled over me again.

Anyway, the conversation accomplished very little. My dad is more aware now of how bitter I am towards him and he says he’ll try to find a job and a place to live but I can’t help but feel like in a year’s time he’ll still be here leeching off of me and the government teat. I’ve just lost all respect I once had for him, and it’s really sad because there was a time when I was a small boy where I respected him more than anyone else in the world, and I remember what it was like. The only interesting turn the discussion took was just before I decided I couldn’t stand being in the same room as him anymore, we started talking about my lack of motivation. I mean generally speaking, and also how that coincided with the period of the last five years where I feel like I’ve been on this downward spiral into total isolation and apathy.

Now obviously my lack of motivation or desire to do anything is something I’ve struggled with trying to overcome for as long as I’ve experienced it, but I’ve never really spoken about it with a real person. Not in depth I mean, I’ve only really been able to vent about it and talk about how to perhaps overcome it with people online. Even with the girl I talked about in this post, I never really got to talk about it much despite the fact that I was quite concerned about it at the time having just dropped out of my A-level courses because of it. I mean we did, but not really, I’ve never been able to have a conversation with someone that was in depth. I’ve never been able to get someone else’s opinion on my specific version of this problem. Like I said though it wasn’t that helpful yesterday either, and I kind of gave up and just ended the talk but it did serve to remind me that this is the crux of it. This lack of drive, it’s what everything else kind of rests on.

Yes, I still do hold my dad’s poor parenting responsible for me losing my friends/ turning down the invites and attempts to pull me along with him that one friend in particular made. I think if I had a social circle I would have found it easier to just push through with my education and I would be working on something to this day even if there was this underlying lack of willpower. I suppose, the isolation basically intensified it quite drastically. If I’d had gone along to these social things, met up with this friend and all the new people he was trying to introduce me to I would have maybe even found a girlfriend by my late teens in the same organic way that most fucking people on the planet do. I’d have probably gone on to university after finishing my A-levels, and met more people there that I liked. I think I’m always going to feel like he took that away from me, but I am still young as people love to remind me and while I can’t go back and redo life the “normal way” I can try and solve the deeper issue. I can try and fix my brain, and this is the conclusion that I came to after watching this video I said I’d talk about.

See my dad’s perspective when I started going into detail about this problem I’ve faced for the last half decade was that there wasn’t really a problem. That I don’t need to have motivation, that I only think of the idea of working towards a goal as something I should have because of social conditioning or something like that. Basically he had the most typical cynical Gen Xer take on it you can imagine, the exact kind of toxic attitude that makes living with him so fucking unbearable. He also kept focusing on the university example I used, it’s like he’s incapable of abstract thought. He is not a very intelligent man, if that wasn’t already clear, and I hate saying that but it’s true. I was using that as an example of something that many people do aspire towards, getting a degree (something he actually did himself, a law degree, even though he did nothing with it) is a goal for many people. It could be travelling, or starting a business, or having a family. These are things that people live for, these are reasons they get up in the morning. That’s what I don’t have.

The problem is I’ve tried, I’ve thought about all of the standard things like those I’ve listed and some more unusual ones and they all just sound really shit. Every time I think I’ve found something that could be “my thing”, I start to instinctively pick it apart and think about how it would be pointless and unsatisfactory if I actually pursued it. The thing is, most people today in the western world have been raised as godless epistemic materialists. It’s incredibly rare to find someone who has a sense of true or objective meaning or purpose, now you’ll quite frequently be told to “find your own meaning”. And that right there is the difference, somehow most people are able to do that but I can’t. Ennui is the unfortunate side affect of prosperity, and you see that all around you, but it doesn’t make most people practically catatonic. It’s not normal, it’s actually very unhealthy and it’s destroying me as it has destroyed my dad. The difference is he isn’t consciously aware of it, he thinks that this living death is normal which is why he doesn’t care that it’s happening to me.

It’s the video that made me realise this, see in it this Monday guy talks about a conversation on his discord server between two men and they seem to end up talking about the same issue. One of the guys talking doesn’t know what he wants, just in life generally speaking, and the video explains how that is actually not just normal but incredibly concerning and unusual in a way that is better than I ever could so I really think you should watch it. Anyway like he said, if you’re 14 or 15 and you don’t know what you want to do with your life that’s one thing, but it’s in the years following that where you go on to find out. I’m 21 now, nearly 22, and I’ve made no progress. In fact I’ve regressed, because I had some kind of idea that I would try and pursue a STEM subject in my mind during my teens and now I have nothing.

It’s not just these two men on his discord server though, and they were men, he specifies in the video that they were on the older side. This is the exact kind of behaviour you see on 4chan, I actually mentioned it in a post here recently I’m sure but I can’t be bothered to check which one, you go to 4chan to have any “big idea” be torn apart and revealed for the dumb gay stupid silly waste of thought it really is. People talk constantly about how it’s like the crabs in a bucket mentality, that people want to just bring others down to their level. Well I now think that’s not quite accurate, I think this is just how the kind of person who ends up on 4chan or at least on a board like r9k is all of the time. We are both the crab trying to escape, and the crab pulling him back down at the same time. This ability to shoot down ideas is just something people like us have got really good at, the neural pathway for it is particularly strong.

In fact in the video he goes on to talk about brain chemistry, that’s the real meat of it. He mentions an article, which I wish he’d been able to find and link to because I couldn’t find it based on what he says about it in the video, and it is about this woman who through brain damage lost her ability to experience emotion. I think that’s perhaps an exaggeration though, because it seems rather ridiculous to entirely lose the ability to feel emotion, but I’m pretty sure what he meant was that the region of the brain responsible for emotion (the limbic system) was the damaged area. Now what’s so interesting is that this led to her being unable to make decisions, she lost the ability to have preferences you could say. Now her case was extreme, she couldn’t make the simplest decisions we do in day to day life like what to have for dinner, but the point we can take from this is that the two things are inseparable. As he says in the video, without feelings we can’t make decisions.

So then the logical next step is that perhaps people who suffer from this lack of motivation also have damage in this region of the brain, and it is interesting that a lot of what he calls “FAs” and maybe I’d call incels or robots do seem to experience this. If you did a Venn diagram of both lack of motivation and “identifies as incel/ FA/ robot etc.” it’d probably look more like a simple circle. Now he talks about child abuse specifically, and the link between childhood abuse and FAs is something he’s talked about in quite a few videos, but I’ve never experienced that. It’s interesting, and worth talking about, but I haven’t experienced it and talking about it won’t help me which is what I was focused on at the time when watching the video. I did however have an experience which does parallel this phenomenon of “emotionally shutting down” that supposedly is very common for children growing up in abusive households. My mother’s suicide.

Now I’ve said before that I’ll probably write a whole long post about that situation, and I still probably will, but this isn’t that post. I’m just mentioning it because, as I said, there is a very interesting parallel. See immediately following the news I remember how I almost didn’t react to it. I don’t just mean externally, that I stayed calm while emotions were raging inside me, I mean I somehow suppressed almost all feeling. It wasn’t a decision I made, it was like the autopilot took over. I was going through the motions, there was a funeral to plan and the matter of where I was going to live and who would look after me and I basically didn’t experience any emotion at all for days. I remember going to see her in the chapel of rest, I think that was the first time I felt anything and it was difficult because at the same as this realisation that she really was dead and I’d never be able to speak to her again was hitting home I was also going through the horror of seeing a corpse for the first time.

Ever since then I’ve had long periods of very little emotion, which always culminate in a period of a few days to a week of rather intense depressive episodes I guess you could call them (although I must say, I am not diagnosed with anything) which are kind of like low tier panic attacks that are drawn out over a longer period of time. That’s what the last week has basically been for me, and why all these thoughts I decided I had to tell my dad about were dredged up. Now there is a slight difference, rather than slowly learning to suppress my emotion over a long period of time like many abused kids seem to do, it kind of happened in a flash for me. I do think that the ultimate effect seems to be similar though, after all I’m very similar to a lot of other FAs or incels I think.

So at the end of the video I went to check the comments and one of the comments someone left struck me, it said “I want to want something”. Now I know he was probably just trying to be poetic, but I got to thinking and actually that is a perfectly noble goal. If you really are somehow damaged, and the more and more I think about it the more it makes sense, then to want to fix yourself makes the most sense. It also might finally provide me with that goal I’ve been so desperate to find. In fact I think it already has, I think this is going to be “my thing” at last. My thing will be, the mission to restore my ability to identify my thing. Once it’s complete, it will of course naturally lead right into whatever burden I find for myself next.

I use the term burden, because that’s what I want, a load to bear. Yet if anything realising this has made me feel light in a way I haven’t in a while. I don’t want to go overboard now, I’m still the same person as when I started writing this post yesterday evening (I also wrote the vast majority of it last night too, I’m just trimming it and finishing it up tonight), I’m still just as bitter and resentful. I’m still stuck in this small bedroom as I have been for close to six years, I spent my entire day in here today other than to get food, but I do have a feeling of hope that I can do something here. In fact the specifics of my plan going forward are what I’ve been thinking about and reading about while in here today. It’s something I was actually already on the right path towards before I had a major setback, psychedelic drugs. As any long term readers will remember, I was growing a crop, or whatever the right term is, of psilocybin producing mushrooms a few months ago but it got infected with mold spores and the entire things was ruined. It went a bright yellow colour, and only some very tiny little caps seemed to have appeared on the surface of the mycelium mat.

There’s been a lot of fascinating research in recent years into the effects of these drugs and they really do seem to have long term affects. There have been studies where people who have been trying to give up cigarettes for decades are able to do so after a few psychedelic sessions. This means that they literally can rework your neural pathways, which is exactly what me and people like me need. It’s these trained habits we have, of picking apart every decision, that need to be unlearned. Now I have to be careful with the terminology here because I’m not a neurobiologist obviously, I’m a layman. I don’t think I’m saying anything that is untrue or misrepresentative of the results of these studies but I’m not able to accurately explain the minutia of it all. You should look this stuff up yourself if you’re interested, it’s not hard to find.

On top of the stuff about the reworking of your established mental patterns, there has also been a lot of research into the effect of both psychedelic drugs and MDMA and substances similar to it on depression. Now I don’t know if this suppression of emotion I experience is “depression”, it does seem to fit the description kind of but it’s maybe more like a particular strand or variation I’d guess. The point is these drugs, especially if taken in the right circumstances, can permanently alter your brain chemistry and shape. These aren’t just something you can take to feel differently for a while before going back to normal, like the idea seems to be in drug culture.

Speaking of drug culture, I know that a lot of robots will have a kneejerk resistance to what I’m saying because they have a lack of respect for people who take drugs and it’s completely fair because I do as well. Potheads, junkies, crack addicts, even just clubgoing normies who engage in recreational drug use are all people I have very little respect for. Nevertheless, if there’s something that will help me fix myself I’m going to take it, and you should as well. In fact I often rant about normalfags who go to r9k to give their shit tier advice, it’s like a pet peeve of mine, but I’ve always felt like the normies who advise we take psychedelics are the most sincere of the bunch.

I don’t know if this will work, as I said I did have this plan before and it didn’t go well. The difference is, last time my idea was something like “perhaps these substances will help me out somehow” and now it’s more that I’ve set this goal of fixing myself and these drugs seem to be the best means of achieving that. I’ll admit though that I’m kind of putting all my eggs in one basket, the problem with that expression though is what else can you do when you only have one basket available? Now I don’t ever get any comments, so it’s probably not worth me even bothering to say it, but if you have read this far and you think you have an alternative suggestion by all means please tell me about it.

California dreamin’

Five years ago, on this day (if I can get it uploaded in time, two days to go), Elliot Rodger took to the streets of the small California town of Isla Vista with revenge on his mind. You might think that revenge is the wrong word, in Isla Vista he was targeting complete strangers (although people forget that earlier that morning he had also murdered his roommates) not people that had personally wronged him, but I have already explained this before here. The post you’re reading right now is going to be more specifically focused on Elliot Rodger, but building on that post. I also think most people don’t understand who Elliot Rodger was really, even those who obsess over and/ or celebrate him. So perhaps this post will provide a new perspective.

Elliot Rodger is almost the perfect example of what I was talking about in that post, in that everything that we actually get directly from him is part of this big performance. It’s fitting I suppose that his father was a filmmaker, although in Elliot’s case the performance isn’t entirely fabricated like a major Hollywood production that his dad would work on. No, he is performing but he’s performing the role of Elliot Rodger. There’s a very weird sense of derealisation to the whole Elliot Rodger experience when taken as a whole in fact. He expresses his true feelings but when on camera this is clearly not the person that most people he knew in real life ever met, he shares certain information in his manifesto but excludes other things that we’ve since found out about and are just as important, and of course during the shooting itself he was attacking representations of those he wanted revenge against rather than the various named individuals who bullied him or made him insecure or in some way were remembered negatively by him.

I’ve read his manifesto My Twisted World multiple times and I suppose what I (and everyone else) have always missed despite it staring you in the face is that it isn’t a manifesto, but neither is it an autobiography. Or at least it’s not merely an autobiography, there is something more to it. You might argue with this, after all he ends the document with a few pages on his supposed new political vision, that’s the definition of a manifesto. This vision is of a world that resembles the one from the Gor novels if they were run by Ramsay Snow. I’m talking about the Ramsay from the ASOIAF books, not the show adaption Game of Thrones who is quite a different character both superficially and in motivation/ desire. If you want to know how the book character looks, think of Advanced from the youtube documentary Shy Boys IRL. Now I don’t know if Elliot ever read any of the Gor novels but he was certainly a fan of ASOIAF and GoT, and he quite liked that character as well even using that name on some forums. In fact I’ve heard a rumour that he filmed a review of the most recent book in the series (A Dance With Dragons) but never uploaded it to his channel, or it was there but kept in private mode.

So was this absurd image of women kept in permanent servitude, chained up and used for breeding purposes alone, really something he seriously saw as a feasible future for humanity? Does anyone really think he actually believed he would pile up mountains of skulls and shed rivers of blood? I hope not, because it would be rather silly to take something so precisely written at face value like that. So on first reading (or watching, he provides us with a very similar hyper-violent vision in his last video from the night before the killings) I suppose it’s understandable to do so, he deliberately presents himself as delusional throughout the story, the most well known and memed example being of course when he talks about a period of time where he became obsessed with winning the lottery. Yet I must remind you that it is all deliberate, we know it’s deliberate because there was plenty of stuff he left out of the manifesto that has since been dug up by people. That is what I meant by saying it has been staring us in the face all this time, that My Twisted World is not just a manifesto and or an autobiography. See what is a manifesto, it’s an expression of intent. Before Elliot we didn’t think of mass killers when we heard the word we thought of political parties, in fact it’s funny how since Elliot included a manifesto as part of his whole project other shooters have started to do the same.

This is an aside but I’ve been writing up another post recently which talks about the old spaghetti westerns from the 60s and early 70s and while there were around 500 of them made there were only a few big trendsetters. Most famously of course the Sergio Leone films, but a few others, and what would happen is they would introduce a new kind of trope and then all the hundreds of copycats would try and include it. So in 1964 the world was introduced to Clint Eastwood’s infamous silent gunman Manco, and soon there were scores of stoic quick shooters in cinemas across the world. The second time The Man with No Name appeared he was working with a smartly dressed older gentleman played by Lee Van Cleef, and it wasn’t long before older mentors/ sidekicks were appearing all over the place, in many cases also played by Lee Van Cleef. If you take the mass shooting as a new performance tradition as I suggest it is in my other post on the subject, then the leaving of a manifesto is one of it’s tropes. There’s a lot of talk about how superhero/ comic book movies are the new spaghetti westerns, but I think that mass shootings have just as solid a claim to that legacy.

Now going back to the what I was talking about, My Twisted World isn’t a manifesto. No, the document is just another part of the performance art piece that is everything Elliot Rodger did publicly following the 20th July 2013. If you’ve read MTW before you’ll remember that as the night where he was beaten, robbed and humiliated. Now his youtube channel was also started after that date. Thanks to some helpful anons in a thread today I was able to confirm that his first video was uploaded on February 10th 2014, some time after he had finished healing from getting beaten up, and it was during that healing period where he started planning The Day of Retribution.

The Day of Retribution is not just a specific day though, and I know I’m beating a dead horse here, it is a grand art project with a deliberate message. That message is not merely “I’m angry about not getting laid!”, but rather that life for people like him is one that makes no sense. You’re given conflicting information, you’re told things you know are lies, and after long enough periods of isolation the whole world around you starts to seem a bit off or weird. I’ve actually been meaning to write a whole post about derealisation, and it was while thinking about the subject that I finally think I understood Elliot. A manifesto is a mission statement, it implies intent but it isn’t a vehicle of it, it doesn’t do anything itself. As I’m sure you’re aware though, I think that MTW does achieve something, and I think it was designed to.

Believe it or not it isn’t actually referred to as a manifesto within the actual document itself, there’s no subtitle or subheading where the word “manifesto” is used. No, only in the filename of the original PDF file he released is the word actually used. So here’s what I think, I believe that he kept that word in there as a reminder to himself. The filename is something he would see every time he went to open the document to keep writing on it, and as I’ve explained a manifesto is a mission statement. He was making sure that every time he went to keep writing he would be reminded that he was working towards something.

In his videos he’s clearly playing a character, all the ones where he’s standing in front of the camera anyway. He walks with a ridiculous swagger, he grabs his expensive designer shirt and accessories to wave them in your (figurative) face, he makes these silly smug and self satisfied facial expressions, he’s of course complimenting himself and talking about how great he is constantly, it’s like he’s trying his hardest to play the biggest “Chad”/ alpha male caricature he can think of. He’s going all in, and frankly while he was admittedly kind of short he was certainly rather handsome, enough that the character isn’t entirely unbelievable. If you didn’t know any better and weren’t paying attention to the subject and context of the video, you might very well just take this guy at face value. Yet it’s impossible to ignore what he’s talking about in these videos, that’s what makes it all so jarring. You have this overconfident Californian rich kid, who you’d assume has no trouble with girls whatsoever if you just saw him walking down the street, whinging and moaning about exactly that. It’s surreal, and I now see that this is deliberate.

MTW is full of contradictions, some passages are full of statements that imply a self loathing on his part and then the very next page he’s talking about fabulous and awesome he is, the supreme gentleman. He talks about his many insecurities, about how he hated being shorter than all the kids in his class, about how he always wanted blonde hair (and of course, we are all aware of his obsession with blonde haired women), about how all those “obnoxious brutes” were getting laid while it seemed like most people didn’t even acknowledge he existed. Then he goes on to talk about how perfect he is, how he’s got all these fancy items of clothing, a better car than anyone else at his university, or college as they call it in the US. He likes to mention that he’s descended from the aristocracy, and he was originally born here in England.

Again, if you take the “manifesto” at face value then sure he just comes off as deluded. Yet now I’ve gone through it a few times and really thought about this I don’t think that’s the case. I think it’s meant to create a sense of derealisation as I said, it’s like in American Psycho where in some scenes Patrick Bateman is a narcissistic maniac who thinks he’s better than everyone and in other scenes his whole ego is at risk because he doesn’t have the best business card in the room. Now Patrick Bateman the character is deluded, it’s implied that he hallucinated all the murders, but the writer of the original novel and the director of the film aren’t.

See he says something that is incredibly revealing in his final video to us, “you always treated me like a mouse”. This line is deliberately there as a “character break” for those who would pay attention to show he was nothing like the Elliot from his videos that everyone knows him as, the bravado and bluster was a fiction. The line also further adds to the many disparities and contradictions which are used to create the sense of derealisation and disconnection from reality that runs throughout everything he released before the shooting. It wasn’t this line that really made me see this though, no it was actually some footage that he probably didn’t even know existed. I can’t find the video right now, only a shortened version, but there’s footage of him from the Hunger Games premiere (his dad had worked on the film), and there in the company of other people do you actually get to see the real Elliot Rodger.

He’s not a self confident, wealthy, west coast pretty boy. He’s a timid and, in the eyes of normalfags, weak and contemptible individual. He also reveals this side in the few videos on his channel where he interacts with other people, all of which have him behind the camera other than one very brief and unintended interruption from a car driving past. In fact, he actually very quickly tries to get out of shot as the car comes by, but those brief few seconds before he manages it are enough, you see his body language and demeanour change immediately. In those videos where he’s talking to other people, there’s one in particular where he returns to a park he has fond memories of visiting as a child, you can’t see him obviously but his tone of voice is completely different. All taken together, the videos on his channel, the candid footage of him, the remark about being treated “like a mouse” and the picture of what his day to day life was actually like if you pay close attention to My Twisted World and don’t just focus on the wacky highlights, a quite clear picture of who he really was comes to the fore.

Every time Elliot is brought up on r9k, every time there’s a thread about him, some fucking moron thinks he’s making an original statement by saying that he wasn’t like robots and that they shouldn’t relate to him. It’s been five years and they’re still ironically so self absorbed that they don’t consider that their basic fucking opinion might have already been considered before, but that’s not important. They say he was a narcissist, he was a dumb deluded rich kid who thought he was owed sex and affection. I don’t want to get into the many many stupid hot takes various normies have had about Elliot Rodger, but this one in particular does kind of relate to what I’m talking about. Because he did kind of play that character, so it’s at least understandable to think that is who he really was, at least if you’ve only seen a few videos or maybe just skimmed MTW once. If you’ve seen all this extra stuff, if you’ve read through some of his many forum posts and social media updates like I have, you should have a better understanding.

So why did he play this character, what was the point of it all? Well, I think it was in order to elicit that exact kind of criticism. That people would take this false persona, or at least this version of Elliot that was still in some sense the same person but also drastically different from who he was truly, and claim that it was his personality or character that was the reason he was lonely and miserable. The great irony being that of course if he actually had the balls to be the kind of person he was in his videos he would have never had any trouble whatsoever with women. If you’ve spent any amount of time thinking about these kinds of things, and if you’re a self identified robot (or incel, or foreveralone, etc.) then you have, you know this. Elliot really was just like you, and don’t let yourself be misled to believe otherwise.

I’ve talked before about normalfag “”””advice”””” and why it’s completely useless before on this blog, and I think Elliot came to a similar realisation. It’s not hard, I think most of us see through it that’s why phrases like “bee yourself” and “fake it ’til you make it” are memed so much. If it were so easy to fake it until you make it then Elliot from the videos would have been Elliot Rodger the real human bean, but as I’ve done my best to show in this post he wasn’t. So often will you hear people telling robots to be more confident, confidence is the key. PUAs and “manosphere” types are the most overt about this, they’ll literally tell you to act like a douchebag or a “asshole” as you say in the US, and it does actually seem to work out for them doesn’t it? It’s not just them though, even completely standard tier normies who live entirely within the overton window will tell you “confidence is the key”, “be assertive”, “be a man“. Even die hard radical feminists who rage and scream about how toxic gender roles need to be done away with find quiet/ creepy men repulsive.

There’s the thing though, they find you repulsive, and why on earth would someone want to help someone they see in that way? It makes you start to reconsider the supposed advice they’re giving you, if you don’t already see through it. So after the shooting happened suddenly that’s not the case at all, suddenly being overconfident and appearing to have a positive self image is actually the reason he was failing to get love and affection. As I said before all the contradictory statements and ways he presented himself were quite meticulously planned in order to create this sense of derealisation, like you can’t trust anything. Well he did it again, he got hundreds of thousands of people to start saying the exact opposite of what they had been saying before the shooting without batting an eye. Proving quite effectively I think that these people never wanted to help you, if anything they want to hurt and mislead you. I don’t want to hurt or mislead you, I love you. Happy retribution day!

The vanguard

I’m afraid I’ve been unable to make a coherent post about the subject of the thread I’m sure a few of you reading this recently found this blog in. I got quite far in, I had a good three or four paragraphs written at one point, but I just kept getting lost down these stupid tangents about the validity of surveys that claim to represent a greater population and stuff like that. I wasn’t able to actually look at that particular study, because you need to create an account on some site and I don’t want to, but I read the shitty Washington Post article the graphs were from and was unimpressed. You can look for it if you want, but I’m not going to put a link just so they can get a few more shekels and they’ve found a way around people putting their articles through archive.is as well. Anyway other people in the thread already pointed out a lot of the problems with the study.

So there’s this idea that there’s a rise in people not having sex, and in particular young men. What’s amusing is that it has only recently become something that is no longer fringe to talk about, as I said there was a Washington Post article talking about this. If you’d even suggested such a phenomenon existed a few years ago you’d be seen as a weirdo virgin or something. I mean the thread yesterday (probably not yesterday anymore by the time I finish writing this), minus the mainstream article (and study it talks about) linked, wouldn’t have seemed out of place in like 2014 or 2015. People say r9k has changed, but it really hasn’t, there’s another thread up right now again about the exact same thing. Now back in 2014 or 2015 I would have kind of just gone along with the same assumed reasons for this (and every problem) that are always posted several times in response to the OP. See it’s like a weird game we all play, redoing the same conversations over and over, like a pantomime. For whatever reason though, maybe because I’ve been away from r9k for a good few months and thinking about other things, I had a different take this time.

What I wanted to get around to saying, the point I planned to end on, is that I think a lot of people actually want this to be true and are therefore willing to accept the result of this survey without questioning it. Which gets into a deeper issue, in fact maybe doing this in reverse will help me explain myself better. By the way I just want to say I do believe there is an increase in people not getting laid or whatever, I’m just wary of going overboard. I think it’s probably less than people think, and I also want to make a distinction between some beta normie guy who doesn’t get laid very often and an actual khv or incel or whatever you want to call them. I care about the latter, they’re my guys, I don’t really care about the former. Yet both would be lumped in together by this study, and a lot of the incels who want to feel less alone in their plight will go along with this as I’ve said. The distinction is important because, even if you’re the opposite of me and you think incels are scum and want the other group to be happier, you’ll help neither if you try to help both.

For me to explain why I need to first talk about what it is that defines this plight or experience of inceldom. So oftentimes there’s this joke that is made, how can incels exist when prostitutes exist? HAHA GET IT? Now none of the people it’s aimed at take that seriously, but I don’t even think that most of the people who make those kind of jokes do either. Some do however, you do get people trying to make the same point not as a joke, but they’re a small minority of people. You know the type, the kind to say something like “dude sex is just putting a penis in a vagina lole how can you care so much about it?” thinking they’re making some kind of clever point.

Sure you might say that using a term like “incel” kind of does make it more about sex, and can you blame people for assuming therefore that’s the point of the term, but I think the success of that name over others is more for gatekeeping purposes. I did intend to write a whole post about that but I never got around to it. The thing is those things were being said before when these online groups were using names that left them more open to infiltration like “foreveralone”, “TFL” (which is a bit before my time) or “robot”. Even on r9k which was kind of adjacent to those spaces, though people will deny it because it wasn’t always that way, the term robot did after a while (around 2013 or 2014) kind of become another synonym for this kind of person. Now “robot” as a term certainly doesn’t mention sex and yet this point came up even there.

No the thing that makes an incel isn’t the fact that they’re not getting laid, it’s the things that result from and the reasons for them not getting laid. That’s what they talk about, that’s what they bond over, that’s what matters. It’s not really the lack of sex itself, defining themselves by that is sort of a way of them filtering out people who aren’t going through the same things. Because the problems that they have, like I said, are either leading to them being unable to find sex and companionship or are a result of that. See before when using other terms you always got infiltrators and by putting this filter up you can kind of take away the ability for those people to infest and destroy another place to talk and bond.

After all, what is sex about really? To me it doesn’t seem to be about the act itself, frankly I think that’s something you can take or leave, although I will admit I do seem to have a rather low libido. I fell for the nofap meme for a while, and while all the posts and videos I’ve seen about it talk about how it’s incredibly difficult and you get all these urges, I had no difficulty at all. I could easily never do it again, maybe it’s because I’m depressed? I’ve also just figured it out from hearing people talk about how much more desirous they are both in real life growing up and online, maybe there’s something wrong with me I don’t know. Multiple friends back in school told me that I seemed kind of asexual, which isn’t true it’s not like I don’t want to, I just don’t need to.

So I’m not saying that incels or robots or whatever new term may come into use don’t care about sex, I’m kind of an unusual case. My experience is of r9k, I’ve only actually visited incels.me a couple times to lurk and the same for any other forum or imageboard of the same variety like wizchan, and yes there are always a lot of threads about sexual frustration but I’m convinced that that’s not what most of these people are preoccupied with. It’s a secondary concern, but if you spend hours every day in this place you’ll end up talking about secondary and tertiary concerns after a while. These sites are where people go to let off steam, they talk about all kinds of things.

No, to have not had sex means that in some abstract way (because of contraception and birth control and so on) that you have been deemed unworthy of existence. Because it is ultimately just the means of reproduction and while most sex being had in the western world today isn’t for that purpose it still is recognised in that way in a figurative sense. People have not evolved to conceive of sex differently than they have for the last couple hundred thousand years in a few decades, they can only recognise consciously that “safe sex” isn’t the same thing. Not that this stuff is even something most kids give any thought to when they’re first starting to get into relationships anyway. We all unconsciously recognise that you’ve essentially been deemed unworthy of passing your genes on, that who you are in the most fundamental sense shouldn’t be a part of the greater human project going forward. Yes, nowadays more in a metaphorical sense but that doesn’t really matter.

I mean why is there such a huge obsession with the word “virgin”, generally speaking here. I’m talking about society as a whole. It’s an incredibly common schoolyard insult, it’s almost an inevitability that someone gets called it in any internet argument (quite fitting that it’s recently been systematised you could jokingly say by the “have sex” meme), it’s something no one wants to be called. Do I really need to explain this to anyone? That losing your virginity has become the rite of passage for the modern age. Which is also why it’s only really an insult used against men, because having sex is only an actual challenge for men. Not that it was always this way, the word virgin used to be used only for women, think of the 72 virgins that are promised to muslims in paradise, and yet that has gradually become reversed and now the word is almost masculine gendered you could say. Isn’t that interesting? I’m sure I could go on a whole long tangent about it.

See, “I want to lose my virginity” is a phrase that is very common among teenage boys. It’s not “I want to have sex, I want to experience what it’s like” although I’m sure they all do. No, of primary importance is “losing your virginity”, because that is ultimately what makes you a man in today’s world and the respect you earn is what matters more so than the act. A lot of robots refer to themselves as the bottom of the barrel, or something similar, omega males, the dregs of humanity, the bottom 1%, and so on. Now you get men who are uglier, who are mentally and physically weaker, who are more awkward, who are more cowardly, more bitter etc. than a lot of them, but they are men. Those men are the ones who are getting laid less often, they’re the growing demographic.

The percentage of young men not having sex may have gone up (although I will say again, even that is being exaggerated I believe) in the US and seemingly across the rest of the occident, but the number of male virgins isn’t really. I can’t find the exact stats, frankly it’s impossible to find a study with both a large sample size that also has an accurate demographic representation. At least, for a layman like me with no academic qualifications or access I can’t find anything that I really think is that trustworthy. Yet, all the smaller studies and things I find and have seen posted over the years do pretty much universally say that over the age of 25 something like less than 1% of men are still virgins. So just because similar numbers are so universal across all of these surveys and polls and such I think we can say that is close to accurate. I think we can say that to be a male virgin past your early 20s is incredibly unusual.

Now I’ve talked about school shootings and similar kinds of violence a few times, and I think I have a unique take. Now I never endorsed it but I will be honest I wouldn’t do anything to prevent it either if I somehow could. Yet I’ve been thinking, maybe some people actually do understand these acts in the same way I do. Now this is a bit “out there”, and I’m not even sure I believe this myself but it’s something to consider. The term incel only really became a mainstream thing around last spring/ summer, but it had been in use for many years before that, in fact I’m pretty sure Elliot used it. This sudden change is of course because of Alek Minassian, who openly referred to himself that way. So after that there was a big scare and it was funny for all of us to see the cable news boomers trying to make sense of chan lingo as always, but I think this time was different. The hacker known as 4chan has been getting segments on news channels for a decade, but this actually took off among real people. Incels, a group that no one seems to be able to define, were apparently a terrorist group now.

So there was some buzz about that for a while, you can say it was a trending topic… ugh, but then it died down a bit. Now a little time has passed and you start to notice mainstream publications like The Washington Post (but there are others, I remember a Daily Mail one specifically) all coming out with articles about this supposed decline in sex rates and specifically among the young male demographic. It’s almost like an attempt to pacify this small group of incels by leading them to believe they’re part of a larger group all suffering from a specific modern phenomenon rather than just the same tiny subsection of the population they always have been. No, such a phenomenon may exist but the incel situation is something separate. The only change for them is the fact that thanks to the internet they can now get together and form communities of a sort and that may lead to some kind of intellectual evolution regarding how they see themselves and society, which as you’re all aware we do live in.

There doesn’t really seem to be any kind of incel ideology despite what a lot of clickbaity youtube videos and news headlines might imply. At most you could maybe say that a lot of self identified incels, which aren’t necessarily all of them, believe in some idea of the blackpill. There’s also the whole lookism thing which I think is very interesting, and certainly no one else is talking about it, but maybe it’s seen as more of a big deal among that community than it really is. Or a better way of putting it would be to say that a lot of incels gravitate to it as the single explanation for their predicament and I just think that’s not the case. There’s rarely one single explanation for any phenomenon in life.

Now it’s pretty far fetched to suggest that there’s actually a deliberate conspiracy going on, I don’t honestly think that’s the case. It’s weird that this is suddenly a more mainstream topic, but if there was a real agenda you’d think they’d put a bit more effort in. I mean I’m just a dumb wageslave writing these extended effortposts in my free time and I was able to write something more substantive on the subject. No, there’s probably not any conspiracy for you to find here. It’s just funny that there could be, and going through it illustrates something. That the incels are likely to be more docile if they don’t realise how tiny and despised they really are.

 

Looking backwards, looking forwards

Reading one of my earlier posts recently I made a connection that I’m sort of surprised I didn’t make way back then. I mentioned once I have this recurring intrusive thought or daydream of poisoning homeless people. Not any particular homeless individual, in fact I think the idea is that I’d specifically avoid the ones I know. See there’s a few who hang around near where I work, and sometimes I’ll give my tips or some of my tips to them after closing up. They’ve all come to recognise me when they see me now, there’s this one guy in particular who is very friendly. When I have to take the bin out to the sheds at the end of the shift and there’s not much room he’s helped me get it through the door a couple times. Yes it’s just a gesture, I can manage it easily enough and he’s there because he’s come to expect some change when seeing me ultimately, but nevertheless I appreciate it. I quite like these people, even if most of them probably rightfully earned their current situation, and I wouldn’t want any harm to come to them.

That’s the funny thing really, and I suppose I already did this bit in that very same earlier post so I won’t go on about it, but while I will judge these people for their poor character and decisions I don’t necessarily dislike them. On the other hand the strawmen I’ve conveniently just made up who would say I’m a nasty and ignorant person for doing so do tend to. Like I said I’ve already mentioned it before, but there’s a real disdain that most people have for the homeless and it’s a very visceral thing. It’s really a feeling of disgust, and it makes sense because they do often smell but it’s more than that, almost like they sense that their poor fortune might rub off on them. Even when I don’t have change or don’t want to give my change to one of them I’ll feel a bit bad and will always acknowledge them if asked, so many people just ignore them entirely. I mean completely blank them, they’ll be walking right by and definitely within earshot but they just pretend not only like they were never asked for money but like the beggar doesn’t even exist.

I said something else in that very same post as well actually, an insight which I lost as soon as I had it. I was worried when going back to reread some of these earlier posts that they wouldn’t hold up and would seem stupid and cringy but that’s not the case, unusually for something I’ve written and revisited after some time. There were a few things that I did in those earlier posts that I’ve decided to stop doing because of those reasons, but the general ideas and message I stand by in almost all cases which is what I’m talking about. Anyway, I said in that same post that ignoring someone is not something people do to those they don’t care about but actually to people they have a problem with. It’s not disinterest, if you’re being ignored it’s not because the person really doesn’t think about you, it’s a minor act of aggression. Not like being punched in the face or even insulted of course, but in principle it’s the same if not in degree. It’s a deliberate act, I think were my exact words.

I think this is why being “ghosted” bothers people so much, there’s this explanation that it’s because you realise how little you mean to them but that never sat right with me. That’s not what’s happening at all, let’s go back to the homeless people again for an example. See, the smartly dressed cubicle cucks and their heavily made-up female counterparts have to make an effort to pretend the beggar asking for help isn’t there, it’s undoubtedly a conscious act. They feel insulted that someone so gross and stupid (according to them, not me) would even speak to them, and again like I said in that post months back the deliberate ignoring of them really translates as “fuck off” or something like it. Being ghosted is no different, they’re basically saying you’re unworthy of their time and should fuck off. It’s not that you don’t matter to them, it’s that they have grown to dislike you or be annoyed by you and this is their way of saying so.

I’ve noticed as well that being ghosted seems to bother robots and people of a similar mindset even more so than it does normal people. Which makes sense when you think about it, because what is the thing that really seems to define a robot? Other than the obvious I mean. It’s this feeling of being ignored, of being left out. It starts young, and I literally cannot think of a single example of one of these people who doesn’t share this experience. I have had this experience, if you read MTW you’ll see that Elliot Rodger had this experience, it’s one of the most common things to see people lamenting on /r9k/ and in my very brief time spent checking out other spaces online populated by similar people I’ve seen it there as well. I mean you might think that this should mean they’re desensitised to it but I don’t think so. I think that it’s like irritating a wound, see a lot of these people retreat away from the world in their youth, which is partially what stops them from being properly socialised. The desire for companionship being so strong though, they search for relationships with other people online. The time away from the world has allowed for some healing, but then these online things break down as they always seem to and the scar is reopened.

I had another post very early on, my second or third, about school shootings. I feel like without the whole build up the hot take I have on the subject doesn’t have the same gravity so I’d say if you’re reading this and haven’t checked that one yet you should read it before this, but it’s not crucial. Essentially, I see school shootings/ mass shootings in general as performance art. The problem is that the message of the piece is not something I think the performers (the people doing the shooting, whether it be Elliot Rodger or the Columbine kids or whoever) are consciously aware of. I will say though, something I didn’t say in that post, that the increase in such events or at least the increased reporting of them is an interesting development. See take the example of Columbine, everyone always assumed they were bullied losers but they were actually relatively normal. They had a group of friends, one had a girlfriend I think, this is something that surprises people. It surprises people because it makes sense for school shooters to be losers, after all who is it who fantasises about doing that kind of thing? Even if only as an escapist fantasy, and they’d never actually do something like that, just like how I would obviously never actually harm the homeless. It’s kids who are bullied, kids who are meek, kids who struggled to find friends.

Now though, and there’s been a new one since that post actually but I haven’t taken the time to really read much about the story, you’re seeing a lot of these shooters more explicitly identify with this role or be identified with it. I’m not really here to talk about just shootings though, I think it’s bigger than that. After all, there was that guy Alek Minassian and he certainly fits in with this despite using a vehicle to attack the public rather than a firearm. So we all kind of know that it’s “losers” and now a more recent term “incels” who are the kind of person to engage in this sort of thing, even when it’s not, if you understand. Incel is a really interesting term, and I’ve had another idea for a post just regarding the term itself and why it over all the similar ones has come out on top in the public discourse recently, but right now I just want to talk about one particular thing regarding the term.

It’s something I’m sure I’ve talked about in a previous post, but I can’t for the life of me find it so maybe I never actually got around to that one. Does the term incel describe a kind of person, or an ideology? I mean of course it describes a person but I mean is it merely a person, is any young man who can’t get laid an incel? Or is it a young virgin male who also believes specifically in the usual things that are associated with the term incel? So, does being an incel also mean you have to be in that whole world of Chad and Stacy, of the blackpill, of the very term incel? I mean there’s the idea of the “hopecel” (which is one of the funniest words I’ve heard in a while) going around, which describes someone who would generally fit the incel archetype but doesn’t buy into the whole “blackpill” idea. The thing is, hopecels are considered a variant of incel (by incels, who are the ones who coined this amusing term) which leads me to believe that according to most people who would identify themselves as an incel it’s not about an ideology. To these people it is just what it says, a portmanteau of involuntary and celibate, someone who can’t get laid.

The problem is whenever incels are spoken about in normie media outlets they are identified as an ideological group. Even a terrorist group, lol. Any article on the subject from a major news organisation or even just a buzzfeed kind of thing (glorified blog that operates within the overton window) makes the preface that they’re not talking about all virgin men but merely the people who believe in the toxic/ misogynist/ hateful/ delusional or whatever other meme buzzword they have ideology professed on incel forums and other such places. This then filters down and nowadays the term incel when used in general public discussion also means this. So the question is really, what is this ideology? To me if there is one right now, and I’m not sure there is, it’s basically just a variant of the same “redpill” stuff that’s been here for over a decade. It’s really not much different than what PUAs, or MRAs or MGTOWs and so forth believe, other than a few admittedly crucial differences. It’s a lot like Marxism in a way, you have socialists and anarchists and Leninists and so on, but they all see one another as comrades when push comes to shove.

These crucial differences are, at least from my understanding, the “blackpill” and the acceptance of violence. So the blackpill is essentially the idea that it’s fucked and there’s nothing you can do about it. I don’t know if Eggy’s video is the actual first use of the term but it certainly was the point from which it entered the meme lexicon. It’s kind of spread to certain alt-right circles, you see some of those e-celebs use the term but it’s taken on a slightly different meaning when they use it, thanks to the pol9k pipeline which I’ve already talked about before. It’s ultimately the same feeling, hopelessness, just applied to politics. I’m not going to go on another several paragraph long tangent about this, but I’ll quickly say that there are even within incel circles different ideas about what the thing to be “blackpilled” on even is. It doesn’t matter too much, the only thing that matters is that the blackpill has been taken, and now you see how hopeless your situation really is.

I think this is what leads into the second thing, the acceptance of violence. Now most people who identify with incels obviously aren’t violent and thuggish, if anything I’d argue that meekness is much more common amongst them (us?) than the public at large. Statistically speaking an incel is less likely to murder you than a normie, I’m not kidding. What I’m saying is that you’ll never get any kind of condemnation about what Elliot or Minassian or the most recent guy who killed those women in a bank did, in fact you’ll find jeering and celebration of it. This is in opposition to the people who identify with those other associated “redpill” groups I mentioned earlier, who will always claim that they condemn violence. I’m not saying this as a bad thing, I’ve done the same over and over in my time on /r9k/ if I’m being honest, laughing and joking about the victims of various shootings. In fact the picture I think I’ll use for the header image on this is a screenshot of my post from the infamous “some of you guys are alright” thread, if I’m honest I’m not 100% convinced that Mercer actually made that thread and it’s not just a coincidence but it’s certainly a likely possibility. I do find it kind of satisfying, I probably gave that impression on my other post about school shootings too. It feels like a kind of twisted justice has been had when I hear about one of these mass shootings, and I know for a fact that a great many people feel the exact same way.

Until that post about school shootings, or the idea I wrote about in it came to me anyway, I couldn’t properly explain why. After all the people who die in these shootings aren’t even the actual people who excluded or bullied the shooter (if he was bullied that is) in many cases, so it’s not like he’s getting revenge. The people are random, but of course as I explain in that post that’s the point. What unifies everyone who has “taken the blackpill” is this feeling that the thing holding them back from happiness and companionship is out of their control. Whether it’s how they look, or their meekness and lack of proper socialisation as a child or whatever, it’s random, or at least it feels random to someone raised in the individualistic culture we inhabit. It feels wrong to even be angry at the people who did exclude you, after all you’re told over and over that to expect to be treated well or even the same as everyone else is entitled. Again though, going back to the other post I was talking about, ignorance is deliberate. Which should bring me back to where I started this post.

Back to poisoning homeless people, hopefully you’ve figured out the connection already. Just like with a mass shooting or running your vehicle into a crowd, the beauty is in the randomness. Now I can kind of retroactively appreciate why this weird fantasy appeals to me, and again I want stress I personally wouldn’t ever actually leave little poisonous drinks around for hobos. There’s just something about the idea of truly random violence that has a kind of beauty to it. There was a thread I saw a few weeks ago on /r9k/, it was about some crime that had happened and how the perpetrator was found because of his relation to the victim. I don’t remember why it was made, but there ended up being quite an interesting point made about the perfect crime.

The perfect crime you might say, is one without any discernible motive. This example was given by an American, he said what if he were to buy a gun and travel to a different state and then shoot someone at random. Then dispose of the weapon, make sure no fingerprints or DNA evidence is left behind and never talk about it. How plausible this actually is I don’t know, but it’s very interesting to me that it was someone from /r9k/ who would think this way. Again, this idea of randomness of the victim comes up. Just another anecdote that stuck out to me. I think there’s really something to this, and I think that while it may just be unconscious now a very interesting potential development for the “incel community” if there is any such thing will be when people start to become conscious of this.

Volcel gang manifesto

So, I said I’d talk in more detail about online dating. I’ve been told, a few times, that I’ve never actually made any effort to get a girlfriend/ lose my virginity. Mostly by “helpful” normalfags online but also once in person. A lot of the time online it isn’t specifically aimed at me, because I rarely ever moan or whine about not having those things anymore for reasons I kind of talked about in the last entry. Rather it’s aimed at “robots” or “incels” and similar kinds of people in general, who I do associate with. There was one specific post I read, unfortunately it was a while ago now so I don’t have a screenshot and I have no idea what thread it was so I wouldn’t be able to find it in the archives. The guy had made this thread, one of those ones you see fairly regularly or at least used to, saying he was the one who had the right advice that would help us out of the situation we’re in. It’s the kind of thread, the kind of person, who the whole bee urself meme was originally made to mock. Anyway, of course people reacted accordingly and insulted/ berated him and were just making jokes about the whole thing and I was going to give up on it and find something else to entertain myself with but then an actually rather interesting exchange happened.

At some point someone made what I think was quite an insightful comment, he said that this advice never worked before with incel/ robot types not necessarily because it was bad advice generally speaking. Clearly it worked for some people after all, but it assumes things that are true about the person giving advice are true about everyone. Now I’ll try and explain what he meant, or my interpretation of what he meant anyway, using the most well known of these little nuggets of normie wisdom “Just be yourself”. What they really mean by this is, stop being so inhibited (as if it’s so fucking easy) around other people, especially those you don’t know very well. Which there’s some truth to, it seems like when you’re shy or awkward people sense that you’re hiding something. Which I suppose in a way you are, you’re not being yourself dare I say and people can sense how contrived everything you do is.

The problem again, is that it’s not something you can just turn on or off. I can’t just act how I do around my close friends or on my own when I’m around other people it’s physically impossible for me. At least for the moment, although it’s starting to feel less and less possible that there’s much I can do to change that even in future. More importantly though is that underlying assumption that if you are somehow able to get over that, you’ll just be accepted and liked for who you are. There’s no reason that someone wouldn’t still be ostracised for their political beliefs, their social attitudes, etc. Given the tendency of people like me to gravitate to extreme ideas I’d say it’s actually fairly likely. The important thing to remember here is the assumption, that’s what I’m talking about. It’s not just this one example either, all the usual advice these kind of people share has it’s own because of course it’s all sold as universally applicable, which really means it applies to no one.

If you want to find out what it is specifically they are assuming is universally true, it’s the thing that actually makes these hot tips and tricks they have work. So of course in the example I chose it’s actually being likeable and not frightening to normalfags with your weird views on things. You might think I’m being unfair, that of course no one really thinks that everyone is a boring normal faggot like them. After all, they are aware that extreme beliefs exist so naturally people also exist to hold them. Fair point, they would agree with that if pointed out probably, but I think on a day to day basis they underestimate the amount of people who they would consider weird and feel uncomfortable around hugely. I could be completely wrong, but I genuinely believe they think of such people as a tiny fringe group. Of course this specific “be yourself” (and of course all similar statements) line is given by a particular type. I guess they’re what people might call a turbonormie, at least that’s one term I’ve heard used for them. This is most people, who just engage with the world in a very superficial way. People who talk about the weather and wear fast fashion. Yes that’s kind of a strawman or caricature, a modern archetype even, but that doesn’t mean it’s inaccurate. It’s a composite, so obviously it’s not going to describe any one of these people that well but don’t pretend you don’t know the type.

The thing is, people use advice that worked for them. So for someone who was kind of always one of these people but just was maybe a little socially awkward or shy as a kid being themselves worked. Maybe they were part of a certain clique or social niche while at school, even one of the ones who pride themselves on being different like the goth kids from southpark. See they think that because they were different in a very shallow way from most of their peers, that they’re similar to the incels and actual social rejects who remained that way into adulthood. The difference of course being that what made them different was fashion, and I’m not using that word to necessarily mean clothing (although of course, oftentimes that was a part of it) but rather something that can be taken off at any time, rather than something fundamental.

Then you have failed normies or alt normies or whatever other of these silly little terms you want to choose, people who can blend in reasonably well but are a little “off” maybe. Think of someone who has always been able to make friends, has had a few relationships, etc. but also has a few “weird” ideas. Of course “bee urself” didn’t work for them, but another little chestnut of advice these people will give is “fake it till you make it”. Again, because it worked for them. They were able to stay composed and appear normal long enough for it to happen naturally, so of course everyone must be capable of that. You know, and on and on it goes for all the various different kinds of people who think they’re helping you by just repeating what worked for them. They obviously don’t really care about you (not that they should care about people on the internet they’ve never even met, but they shouldn’t pretend to either) and are just looking to feel good for “helping” people. I got so sidetracked I completely lost my train of thought..

Right, the thread I was talking about. So in response to this comment, about how his advice might not be universally applicable and in fact might actually only work for quite a small group of people, instead of having a moment of self reflection he decided to double down. They were going back and forth for a while, and as these people always do when slightly pushed back on start calling you things, incel, loser, etc. So much for the whole good samaritan routine. Honestly the fact that they’re so quick to jump to those specific kinds of insults makes me think they’re there really just to feel less pathetic for a little while, and the contempt they really have is revealed in these moments. It doesn’t really matter though, what I’m trying to get to is a particular thing he said at one stage in this whole thing. I don’t remember the exact wording, but essentially it was something like “you’ve never even asked a girl out before, you’ve never even tried, it’s not my advice that’s wrong you’re just a coward”. The reason this particular example of something which as I said in the first paragraph is something people like me are accused of often, is the last part. I’m not going to try and disagree that I’ve never actually tried, because it’s a fair point, but I will disagree that cowardice is the reason. Well, maybe it plays a role, but it’s definitely not the main reason that’s for sure. See, I myself used to agree with that. I have for a very long time seen myself as a coward, but I think over the years there have been a few situations that I would have handled quite differently were I one. With anyone I was willing and able to be honest with, I would have openly referred to myself as a coward maybe even as recently as a year ago.

Which finally takes me to what I actually was intending to talk about when starting this, online dating. See we now have a way of getting into the “dating game” or whatever you want to call it, with the risk or scary part removed. Yes you still might be unsuccessful and be rejected indirectly by having no one “like” or match with you or whatever, but it’s all totally impersonal. The actual genuinely scary, terrifying even, prospect of asking out a girl you barely know or even a total stranger and very possibly getting shot down and/ or humiliated is completely done away with.  By the time you get to any kind of interaction it’s been established there is a mutual attraction between the two of you, and by the time you get to meeting in person you’ve established you get along and have had time to get a little more comfortable around them. I don’t need to explain this, it’s the selling point. I’m just trying to stress what I was saying as much as possible, that we have an example of a way to bypass the scary part.

The thing is though, I’m not on any online dating site/ app. In fact I’d be more likely to cold approach a woman in public like the PUAs do than sign up for online dating. Both are very fucking unlikely of course, I’m not saying cowardice doesn’t play some role, but it’s clearly more than that. I’ve been thinking for a long time about what it could be, but it’s a tricky thing. What I think, is that it’s not so much that I have a problem with the modern idea of “dating”, but rather that there’s something different about the first relationship you have starting somewhere like that. I’m talking about on online dating especially, but also just asking a girl out in person. See the modern idea of “dating”, of serial monogamy if you prefer, is unbelievably cynical. The entire premise is that you will have several failed relationships, it’s not just expected it’s literally a given. Now people who have become cynical can get on just fine in a cynical system, but those of who have yet to lose our idealism not so much.

Now what makes online dating different, other than the safety I already talked about? Unlike other spaces for “dating”, it is explicit about it. Sure you had speed dating events and stuff like that but they’re a novelty, most people go to clubs and bars and places like that. So online dating managed to make the entire thing seem even more contrived, and there is the real issue I think I and presumably some other people like me have. See, the other way people meet as adults is they might ask out a colleague, or someone they share a hobby with. Sure, they still have to ask and that’s a scary prospect especially if you’ve never done it before, but the idea doesn’t feel wrong in the way that “dating” whether it be online or irl does. Going into the world with the express purpose of finding a gf, feels really wrong to me and I can’t explain why and that really bugs me. I think I even may have spoke about this before.

In fact I definitely did, I don’t remember exactly which post but it was not too long ago. I think the phrase I used was it gets under my skin, and it really does. People don’t say “I want to be in a relationship with this particular person” they say “I want a girlfriend” or I want to be in a relationship”. I don’t want to repeat myself if I’ve already talked about this, but it’s something that keeps popping back into my thoughts. Modern dating, the phenomenon that is taken to it’s ultimate conclusion with these shitty dating apps and sites but has existed in some form since the 20s, feels unnatural and of course like I said cynical. Even the example of the more naturally occurring relationships have that cynicism, the culture at large unfortunately also asserts this idea of the inevitable failed relationships for all, but that’s just the way of the world I suppose.

I also was about to go in a different direction there, so I’m going to go back a bit and do that. See the idea of being part of that whole cynical world might seem bad enough, but for that to be your first experience of romance is even worse. Most people’s first experiences, their first relationships, happen in their youth. Of course, these fall into the natural side of this dichotomy I seem to have set up here today. Kids and young teens can’t go to clubs and bars and they’re surrounded by each other all day because of school so they just do what they’re designed to do naturally. Most of them anyway, and those who don’t never seem to be able to get over it. Young love is almost universally seen as something special, it’s held up as this fantastic experience that can’t ever be replicated later in life. Nothing lives up to your first they always say, it’s the rite of passage for our current age. To know that you will never experience this is really fucking hard to accept. To know that the options might very well be either remain alone or join in with the bitter charade of modern dating is never going to go away. Especially because I can think of a few times where I got rather close, in fact there’s one particular memory that might stay with me until my dying day where I was literally only a few words away. I know from my time talking with similar people that a lot of them have similar memories.

There’s this film, Whatever, which is based on a book of the same name by Michel Houellebecq. I haven’t read the book, or any others of his although I’ve been told I should. In fact I was recommended some of his books by the girl I was talking about in my last post. Anyway there’s this scene in the film which is set in a nightclub, you can find it on youtube really easily if you’re interested, and one of the two characters (an older man, speaking to the other main character who is basically an incel) gives a short speech talking about the same exact thing. Of course it’s put much more poetically than in this post, and it’s a good film, so that’s why I’m mentioning it. Think of it like a wound, or more accurately just a hole, and after a certain point there’s nothing that can be done to heal it.

Think about the PUAs, people always say they’re trying to compensate for something or they’re broken in some way, all these platitudes without ever really saying what it is. I think it’s this, I mean I like to go on about modern archetypes and the PUA who was a loser/ really unsuccessful with girls in his youth is a huge one. Maybe it’d be more accurate to call it a trope even. More importantly though, are the audience for this kind of thing. Because the pick up artist community, is essentially maybe at most a few hundred men selling some kind of variation of the same scheme to millions. These few hundred, are in many cases an example of this late bloomer trope. Now the lesser known faces, the guys who just pay for the online courses or go to conferences of whatever these people do and then go out into the world to “pick up”, they’re who I’m really talking about. See, what they’re paying for and what “pick up artistry” is when you really think about it, is a revenge fantasy.

By calling it a fantasy I’m not saying it’s unrealistic, I’m reminded in particular of this one short video by one of these guys I saw a long time ago when I would occasionally listen to these people. I don’t remember exactly which one, and they all look and talk and dress the same anyway, but it was a video by this famous PUA talking about why you should cold approach. Now maybe I’m too trusting because anyone can go on the internet and tell lies, but for some reason I actually do believe that a lot of these men are telling the truth about the level of “success” they have with women. I mean sure I expect they’re embellishing somewhat but I don’t doubt that they’ve had lots of hook ups with very pretty girls. So anyway quick summary, the guy described himself (rather short, average looks, high pitched voice, etc) and said that he has been with various models and actresses and “10s” and YOU CAN TOO IF YOU FOLLOW THESE FIVE SIMPLE STEPS! I’m half joking, but no he was trying to sell his course or something anyway I’m sure.

There was one insight I got from this though, see he said that before you got to that point you had to get rejected a lot. This isn’t unusual, they all say this, but maybe this is a trend with me I’ll have to hear something many times before I notice it. What stood out to me, that for whatever reason hadn’t the other times I heard this, is that it’s exactly like a certain rather common cult practice. See in order to become the “new you”, you need to break down everything about who you currently are. You need to lose every aspect of your current identity, like I said you need to be completely broken down and humiliated, in order for something new to be built in it’s place. So, you can either force yourself through the gauntlet of rejection until your pride is completely smashed or you can refuse to take part and not lose who you are. I always like to bring these full circle, so often the conclusion these accusers make is that if you never made the effort that means that you’re not actually an incel, you’re a volcel. I’m not sure because I’d be happy to have a relationship if it were to occur naturally in the way I was talking about earlier, even if it’ll never be the same as what could have been, but if that’s not an option then I guess you can call me volcel.

The still beating heart

We have these /comfy/ threads on /r9k/, I’m sure most of you already know what I’m talking about. To the one or two who don’t though, essentially people will post art, photos, music, and tell little anecdotes that in one way or another have this common feeling of “comfy” linking them all together. Of course the word comfy, or comfortable, is far older than 4chan but the way it is used makes the /comfy/ of 4chan a unique idea. It’s a little like this Danish word. See in Denmark they have this word hygge, and there doesn’t seem to be a direct translation to English but from what I’ve read it describes a general feeling of cosiness/ warmth gotten from certain activities. So, drinking a hot chocolate while it snows outside or sitting near a fire place and listening to the crackling sounds as it gets dark out. Apparently this is a large part of Danish culture, the best way of putting it that I heard was from this one guy Meik Wiking who said that “Hygge” is to Denmark what “Freedom” is to the US. Now I don’t know how true this is, after all this guy is trying to sell this hygge idea it might be entirely manufactured but it certainly illustrates the concept quite well. The word exists in other Scandinavian/ north Germanic languages or something very similar but it doesn’t have quite the same weight to it. So in Norway it’s just their way of saying cozy or homely, at least that’s what I’ve gathered, whereas in Denmark it’s this central idea. You could say there’s the lower case and the upper case hygge. Similarly you have “comfy” as it’s used by normal people every day and you have “Comfy” the romantic ideal.

Now the two aren’t synonyms, I’d actually say that /comfy/ is far larger in scope. See /comfy/ is a bit different for everyone. The different things people put in those threads reflect their own sense of it. Sure there’s a lot of overlap, in fact a lot of things that would be pretty hygge would also be /comfy/ for many anons. You see a lot of the same images reposted often, but there’s quite a lot of different kinds of things. Deckard’s apartment from Blade Runner, a group of anime girls living in a caravan, a photo of a cup of coffee near a window. Ambient music, or folk, or something that just has nostalgia value and most wouldn’t find /comfy/ at all. Some anons like an old timey aesthetic and others prefer a futuristic place to imagine themselves in, hobbit homes and personal space ships. Even though there’s quite a lot of variety, and almost everyone is going to find things in those threads that they don’t get or understand why someone considers them /comfy/, there’s an understanding that the feeling experienced is the same in substance. I’m not really too happy with my explanation, but the explanation isn’t the purpose of this entry it’s just some preliminary information. Hopefully you already know what it is I’m talking about. No, what I’m here to talk about is the only real through line I can identify that connects everything that /r9k/ might consider /comfy/. Yes, the term is used site wide and in fact even outside of 4chan nowadays as it’s kind of spread out like everything does, but it did originate there. I know the /adjective/ meme is a more general thing too, but I’m not here to talk about 4chan shit. Honestly the “culture” for lack of a better term there isn’t something you can give a quick rundown on you have to just live in it, that why the whole lurk more thing came about. I mean I first started visiting maybe late 2011 and I still would be considered a newfag. Of course even that whole new/ old thing is only half serious, it’s literally just a website where people post pictures and make the same stupid jokes over and over. I don’t want to get side tracked here, these recurring /comfy/ threads are what I’m talking about and the idea may have spread and become diluted or changed but it doesn’t matter because I’m not talking about those cases.

One huge thing though is the amount of artwork or oc that taps into the greater board mythology, I’m using the term loosely but it’s definitely something that exists. I mean you have these figures, and yes the more famous ones are not board exclusive or even site exclusive, but they are most developed on /r9k/. The thing is, pol9k is a real thing and that demographic (not the best term, but the best I can think of right now) absolutely dominates the site now. The radicalised virgin, the 2010s upgraded version of the 00s neckbeard caricature. Very few if any individuals embody all of the traits associated with such a character but as a collective all of them show up frequently. So of course a lot of what develops kind of organically on /r9k/ is spread out quickly because /pol/ is so huge now and there’s that overlap thanks to this demographic and gets picked up by normals. Maybe the most famous example is the virgin walk image which existed as a standalone joke that was posted for years. One day someone made some absurd response image to it, the chad stride, and now a couple years later you have some facebook boomers making “Virgin thing I don’t like, Chad thing I do like” memes who have only ever heard of the hacker known as 4chan through fox news segments. Anyway that’s just another tangent, my point is that I’m well aware that most of these characters (pepe, wojak, spurdo and the various variants that have become their own characters after a while) both existed before the current “culture” on the board had developed into what it is today or even before the board existed at all and exist beyond it. You don’t get stuff like pic related anywhere else though, do you?

1478244341859

Yes I know it’s an edit, the original was from the poopoopeepee days though and that whole situation was an earlier part of this board mythology I’m talking about anyway. In fact that whole thing was a response to the characters becoming adopted by so many normies, which further goes to show how these little cartoony beings are inextricably tied up with the place. It’s such a lovely little comic strip as well isn’t it, really warms the heart. You see, these various characters seem to me to form a pantheon, and much like the gods of ancient Hellas these characters show up all over the artwork of various creative robots. You couldn’t really create a serious canon from all of these drawings and things, with a continuous story or something like that, it’d be impossible. These characters just are, they exist in all these separate stories and none of them at the same time, just like the hundreds of poems and plays and works of classical art featuring the Olympians. This is ongoing and like I said earlier organic, I deliberately chose a more recent and kind of shoddy image for the main picture of the post to help show this. There’s stuff like it being made often and by all sorts of people. Well, all sorts of robot anyway. These characters have certain traits we all kind associate with each of them, and we know when one is being used over another what they’re trying to represent. These characters personify various aspects of ourselves, and can be used to create a feeling of sadness or melancholy, of joy, of anger, and most importantly of being /comfy/. The funny thing about the things that feature these characters though is this sense of friendship or being at ease around one another these characters all seem to have when two or more are put together. Even in the ones where they’re messing with one another, and sometimes those can get really fucking weird, there’s this sense that they’re still part of this great and unbreakable friendship or even familial bond. Which again I can’t help but see in parallel to not just the Greek pantheon but Norse mythology as well. See a lot of people think there was this codified story of the gods in these societies, and all the famous folk stories featuring them were believed to be true. Of course that’s a very materialist and modern way of seeing things, and it misses the whole point of these ancient mythologies and the characters they feature. No, there’s stories where they fight and die and betray one another and come together to deal with greater threats and there’s so much no one could possibly believe it all happened and in some kind of order. Some stories might even outright contradict others, but yes if you want to see how the gods of antiquity were used in stories and sagas you should think about how gondola or wojak or that retarded version of pepe are used.

It’s funny to me because this sense of there being a friendship or bond is almost exclusive to the art featuring these characters, in the /comfy/ threads I mean. Almost everything else posted, photos or artwork or music etc. feels very solitary in theme. Maybe this isn’t surprising at all, this is /r9k/ after all it’s filled with isolated and lonely young men, but remember these threads are meant to be about what we find comfort in. So it is interesting that it is often (admittedly very pretty) art of empty bedrooms, or isolated winter cabins, or small ships floating through space. Fuzzy lo-fi music, usually pretty melancholy, that brings to mind the idea of a summer stuck indoors. All tied together with the things that people in the thread talk about, how they’re getting /comfy/ themselves. Naturally because it’s a bunch of NEETs and hikkis or sometimes wageslaves who are still very shut in the rest of the time like myself finding this comfort in old video games and films, simple things enjoyed from home like a hot drink and most importantly these threads themselves. Both alone, and in good company. In the wizards tower with a nice heavy blanket, with the Palantir at hand. See, I first started thinking about this when I made that post a couple of weeks ago. Why I like to romanticise my situation, cut off from people and it’s not merely cope or an attempt to make it more bearable. It’s because, I actually in some sense quite like it. I mean I long for good company sometimes to be sure, but I also take solace in being away from people when things become too stressful. I think I mentioned this before here but I actually used to have a very romantic view of the hikikomori archetype when I was a lot younger and still not necessarily on the path to aligning with it so closely as I do today. It’s because I (and I think it’s fair to say you can extrapolate to a lot of other robots too) have always been drawn to similar figures. The wandering ronin, the chivalric knight-errant, the wizard cooped up in his tower on the mountain, the drifter afloat in space and of course as I’ve mentioned before the ascetic monk. It’s these kinds of characters, sometimes drawn as variations of the /r9k/ pantheon I was talking about earlier and sometimes just reposted pics found anywhere online, that are the second major kind of figure that appears in these threads. Often as well, there’ll just be empty rooms, or city streets with no people (or blurry silhouettes) and similar stuff too. I know it’s a stretch to say that the modern hikikomori (as an archetype, just like I said earlier about something else it’s rare you’ll find any person in the real world who embodies all associated traits) is the incarnation of what all those other figures are for the modern world, it’s just a loser who can’t get laid you may say. Maybe you’re right, but I see a connection there.

So I said that the only time you have depictions of a more social existence in these threads is when the frogs and cancer patients etc. are used but that’s not entirely true. There are also occasionally pictures of children, there’s two images which I can think of right now. One is this drawing of a bunch of Japanese schoolkids doing some kind of project near a big window during what looks like a summer break, the other is of three or maybe four boys playing on an N64 in their pyjamas. I think it’s clear why this is, it’s a case of looking back on childhood with rose tinted glasses. I’m absolutely guilty of this, I’ve made several posts on here in which I’ve done it. When I think of friendship, I think of being a child. Why wouldn’t I, it was when I was a child that I actually had friends. Well, up until my mid teens anyway. Of course I still have friends now, a few anyway although I had many more when I was little, but we see each other at best a few times a year. Clustered around the summer as well, so most of the year I don’t see anyone. The only real group of people with whom I can engage in friendly activities with, laughing about stupid jokes, arguing about anything from politics to art, sharing feels both positive and negative, is /r9k/. Who, that’s right, are best represented by this pantheon I guess I’m calling it now. Again, I think I’ve spent enough time with the robots to say that a lot of them are very similar to me in some fundamental ways, and therefore it’s fair for me to extrapolate my way of seeing things onto them I think. So I think that this is why it’s those characters or children who are necessary stand ins in order for most robots to see any kind of social gathering as /comfy/. A lot of normalfags might see a pub or bar with “interesting” strangers to talk to as comfy, but to any robot such a place would be the exact opposite. Because these threads represent /r9k/, and not only that but they get at the fundamental robot truth more than any other. The only other recurring thread I can think off that comes close would be those Frog and Feels threads but they seem to have stopped or at least become way less common over the last couple years. You can’t help but see these /comfy/ threads as basically the church, or temple, of the board when you think this way. The place where the soul resides.

Living up to my shitty blog title

The problem is that I can’t fucking accept my damn role, I know who I am and who I’m meant to be. I already talked about this, I am a loner and I’m always going to be. If I could just accept that I’d be so much happier, and I want to but it’s instinct to strive for otherwise. That’s why I keep getting obsessed with all these people who wander through my life briefly. That’s what they’re doing, that’s how it’s always going to be for me. People passing through, if I really try hard I’ll keep my two close friends but I will very likely never form another lasting relationship with a person again other than that. That’s what me falling for these girls at work is, it’s the desperate grasping of my reptile brain. If I was some thick dick PUA chad who had women throwing themselves at him I wouldn’t care about any of these people most likely. I know it sounds shocking but it’s true, because look how those people are. I’m timid and nice because it’s some kind of strategy my inner nature cooked up to try and push my genes. It’s not in my control, I think I’m nice because I like being nice but I like being nice because my brain dumps positive feelies in order to incentivise this false niceness which doesn’t feel false. I mean seriously, I struggle through smalltalk with these people that’s fucking it. What I do know about them, the opinions they have and the art they like etc it’s all unimpressive or uninteresting and I see myself latching onto whatever it can but frankly it’s reaching. I want to assume command, my rational thinking conscious mind or ego if you will wants to start making the decisions around here. I’m just not eloquent enough to express myself, I have the vocabulary and the ideas are bouncing around in my head as words but I can’t quite put the puzzle pieces together when I want to record this stuff more permanently in ink or on the internet.

I’ve been thinking about what would happen if any of the people I’ve written about were to read this blog, would they be shocked and disgusted? Would they think, what a fucking loser how dare he be attracted to me or think about me like that without me even knowing? Or maybe they can all tell, and it’s all some big joke pretending to act normal around the weirdo. I don’t know what people are saying about me, it’s all women other than me and one other guy who just started so they’re probably gossiping about all kinds of shit, at least that’s what popular knowledge would have me believe. Someone said in a post on r9k the other night that if you work around mostly females and they aren’t shit talking around you, you should be concerned. I know I make them uncomfortable, I know I make everyone uncomfortable. It’s a fucking joke, I understand that it’s evolutionary for us to dislike/ distrust the weak but circling back onto my earlier point can’t we exercise some control over our baser instincts given how we aren’t living in caves anymore. I’m not saying I think I want anyone to give me some succ, I actually don’t feel entitled to sex like a lot of people would claim about incels or whatever I am. I just want people to maybe not resent me or feel weird around me, maybe even make a little more effort in conversation if they can tell I’m having a difficult time. It’s not hard to tell, and I do the same thing when I get customers who I know are a little awkward or nervous. There’s a university not too far from me see, so I occasionally get a few guys who I can tell are a little similar to me. Around the same age, and carry themselves in a way that I can just tell, if that makes sense. They usually come in alone and don’t speak very loud and might have their change ready before coming in so they don’t have to get it out at the counter. I always try my best to make them feel comfortable, again because it gives me the good feelies thinking I might have made life just a little more bearable for a minute for them. It’s really not much to ask for, but almost no one is willing to do it. When they do, I’m so deprived of human warmth I immediately become way too grateful and can’t keep them out of my thoughts. They don’t know this though, or at least I don’t think they do. You’re shunned because you don’t know how to act, which brings me onto the subject of this Wizchan screenshot that really activated my almonds the other day.

1536847976801

It’s all interesting stuff, but the second post is the one that really kind of changed how I think a little. This idea that I and people like me are unable to tap into this secret tongue, which I suppose is a combination of body language and the right kind of eye contact and tone of voice and a bunch of other things, just makes so much sense to me. It also builds upon this idea that has always kind of fascinated me, and which I kind of got close to talking about before in my “thinking about thinking about things” entry. This conflict between our nature and our “spirit” I suppose. I don’t know, spirit might not be the right word here maybe intellect or higher being I can’t think of any one word that expresses what I want to without being potentially misleading. I think it’s clear what I’m trying to get at though, hopefully. I mean it’s not something that only I think about, clearly this question has been asked since we’ve been capable of asking it. We know that something separates us from all the other animals on the planet, but yet we know we are still alike also. Intelligence works maybe, but that’s another tricky word because it has a few different ways of being used so there’s still potential confusion. In some cases it’s used to describe the general characteristic which we think separates us from the rest of the animals (like how we say we’re looking for “intelligent life” on other planets) but often it’s also used interchangeably with cleverness which is a completely different thing. That confusion is what was blocking my progress on the issue I talked about in “thinking about thinking about things” actually, because sure being thoughtful or engaging abstract ideas is what we mean by that first definition of intelligence so it’s understandable that I and I’m sure plenty others assume that more of that is “more” intelligence but it’s this other use of the word which was getting me stuck. You convince yourself you’re some misunderstood genius, when in reality you can be a total idiot but just very thoughtful, and all because of this quirk of the English language. That’s what the “smart but lazy” thing is, ultimately. Language is both our liberator and our jailer, but this is again not some great insight plenty of people have talked about it.

Anyway, I’m really all over the place here I’ll try to get back on course a little. You might remember me ending that “thinking about thinking about things” post by saying that what ultimately links people like me together isn’t social alienation or introversion or lack of interest from women, although those are of course often things we have in common, but that we both spend so much more time thinking about things than normal and respect others who do. I also said that this is why those of us who are like this but lack self awareness gravitate to this idea that is right now best represented by the NPC meme but before in terms like sheeple, etc. Well I basically think that there’s kind of a spectrum (not the autism spectrum, although it is funny that autism and autist are terms so commonly thrown around in places we congregate, like r9k) which kind of covers this nature/ reptile brain aspect of humanity and this “intelligence”, for lack of a better term. I don’t think it’s new, like I said it’s something that I think is very common to think about. See, when I was in my /pol/ phase (not that I’ve put those ideas behind me, I’m still influenced by my time there) Evola was brought up a lot. He was a thinker of the Traditionalist School who were apparently a group that believed in this idea called the perennial philosophy. I never read anything from him, maybe I will one day in fact I plan to, but from what I understand the idea of the perennial philosophy is that all the major religions and belief systems found the world over are all trying to get at the same fundamental Truth. So, maybe I’m completely off here but it seems to me that in order to get an understanding of this Truth, one should look at what these religions share in common and discard the rest. Well, something that stands out immediately is how seemingly independently these religious orders have in one way or another arrived at a kind of asceticism. Whether it’s drug and alcohol abstinence or fasting or more extreme things like buddhist monks who meditate in extreme climates or the Japanese monks who mummied themselves while still alive by deliberately dehydrating themselves. Of course it’s the Japanese who took things to the absolute extreme, they really do as a people embody this end of the spectrum I’ve imagined, which might be why so many people like me have this obsession with japan and Japanese culture actually now I think about it but I can’t get sidetracked again now. The idea is always that these kind of activities bring you closer to God/ Enlightenment/ Truth/ whatever, and really what they all are is you deliberately going against your nature or instinct to indulge. The seven deadly sins are all instinctive/ animal associated behaviour. Perhaps that the idea of man as fallen, common in Christianity is getting at the same thing. Our intelligence, this thing that separates us from animals if unrestricted by our nature is God. So we really do get closer to it, the more we choose not to indulge.

I don’t know, maybe I sound like a total idiot and none of this makes any sense. I’m always so self doubting, it’s hard to commit to anything without feeling like a fraud. I’m not sure anyone is even capable of an original thought nowadays, we’re so bombarded with information it’s probably just us riffing on something we heard or read and thought we’d forgotten about. I think what people call the crabs in a bucket mentality of 4chan doesn’t help someone like me either. They say that during a Triumph in ancient Rome, which was this parade celebrating a major victory, the general leading the procession would have a slave who would stand right behind him and whisper “Memento mori” in his ear over and over. That translates roughly to “remember you are mortal” I think, and in moderation I think 4chan has the same effect. Unlike basically any other major forum or social media platform or whatever which is basically a complete fucking hugbox in comparison you actually get called out on your shit and I think that’s healthy. Most of the users though, especially in the /pol9k/ sphere of the site which doesn’t just mean those two boards but anywhere else that group predominates, aren’t casual users at all they’re there for several hours a day. After so much time around it does become less of a positive and more like the crabs in a bucket, and you can kind of tell who is and who isn’t steeped in this after a while. You really can sense this “newfag”, or nowadays I guess people will call you reddit meaning the same thing, aura from certain posters. I think I have more to say though, going back to that wizchan screenshot. Maybe the opposite end of the spectrum from the ascetic detached thoughtful end are the normalfags, the people who just are tuned in to this secret tongue.

I also have something to say in regards to that third post on there, the one at the bottom which talks about intuition and instinct. See his initial response was quite different from mine, an equally fascinating way of looking at this though. Whereas I kind of think that maybe it is just instinctual for people to tap into this secret tongue, and that being people who are more on the detached/ unbound end of this spectrum I’ve imagined we can’t tap into it. He says it’s something learned, and the reason we can’t tap into it is I guess because we never went through that learning process. In his view the normalfags actually agree with me as it being instinct, but they believe that it’s universal and anyone can tap into it unlike me. It’s probably because there are normalfags who suffer from social anxiety and things like that, I mean every youtube e-celeb seems to have it and every soundcloud rapper and every millennial normalfag with a platform anywhere really. It’s more common than fucking toxoplasmosis at this point, but these people still manage to have friends and romantic relationships and careers so naturally to incels and robots that’s all a little suspect. I’m not going to get into that issue right now though, perhaps another time. The point is that for those people bee urself does kind of work, and so it’s just assumed it must work for all people with “social anxiety” which is a term I think we should just kill off because as I’ve explained it clearly is used to describe two groups of people at once and that’s having a negative effect. Once again with the tricky nature of language. So you’re shunned for not being able to communicate using this secret tongue, you feel “off” to people and therefore you never have any opportunity to get better. If we’re sticking with that anon’s metaphor of learning the piano, you won’t ever be able to become a maestro if you don’t start learning from a very young age, but you can still learn to play competently as an adult. What do you do though if no music teacher will do lessons with you? I think that some of us are just meant to be alone, but even though we might be less in touch with out beast nature it is ultimately still there and it roars at us in hunger constantly.

I don’t know what I’m talking about, I just had to loosen the tap and let this stuff out it’s not a cohesive piece of work. This isn’t a thesis or an academic paper, and yes I’m doing that cowardly thing people do who want to hide from real criticism by saying “I’m just throwing ideas around man, don’t take me seriously”, it’s just what’s been on my mind. I kind of had to get it all out, I rushed my last entry because I felt I was taking too long between updating. I think I’ve got it all out of my system, I hope this is interesting or entertaining. I’ve been thinking about this blog itself some more too, I’ve finally decided what I want to do. You probably already have heard of the album ITAOTS (I know I’m an entry level /mu/ hipster faggot, pls no bully), well after it was done the main guy behind the project Jeff Magnum never recorded again as far as I’m aware. He knew when he was done, he knew that record would be the peak of his artistic career. Well, one day I suppose I’ll be done with this. Elliot Rodger left behind his “manifesto” before he went on his shooting, My Twisted World (I’ve both read through it myself and listened to a reading, if you haven’t already it’s worth at least a read) and I understand exactly why he did. It’s about having some control over how you’re remembered, see it was called a manifesto but it was more of an autobiography and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t actually referred to as a manifesto in the document itself. I’m aware of plenty of normies who actually read through the thing, and pretty much every last one of them had some sympathy after, but the many more who only heard what was said about him on the news or in a few short interviews with his family tended not to. If you read it you get an idea of his thoughts and beliefs and how they evolved, a rundown of all the important and meaningful events in his life and a real sense of closeness/ humanity. It’s hard to hate anyone you know so intimately. I don’t give a shit about the normalfucks he killed so that wouldn’t bother me anyway, but of course for most people that’s an issue, without an understanding of the guy they hate him.

In a way Elliot still lives on through MTW, I mean I remember there was a weekend a couple of years ago where some anon had found like 300 never before released photos of him throughout his life and was releasing them slowly over multiple threads. Well at one point I was suddenly reminded, this guy is dead. Not only is he dead, I’ve only ever known of him after his death. Yet I feel like he was part of my life, I know I’m not the only one what about that mullato guy who’s built a whole youtube channel on talking about Elliot. I’m not saying I plan to commit a mass shooting, there are no guns here. But one day when I finally feel like I’ve finished. When I feel that this blog taken as a whole truly represents who I am and was, I’ll switch it from most recent at the top to the reverse and be done. Or maybe I’ll do nothing of the sort and decide to keep going forever, or maybe within a year I’ll stop getting any visitors and give up, but I have this little romantic vision right now and if I stick to it that’d be cool. I find it so hard to talk to people you know. If everything is all in one place, all my concerns about context and being taken the wrong way will be gone. People have this tendency to ascribe a motive for something you do because it happened recently, and they miss the bigger picture. For example in Elliot’s case if we didn’t have MTW but just some events we knew of, we might think that that night when those guys broke his ankle and robbed him at a party was what made him decide to perform a shooting. It might have been the straw that broke the camel’s back, but with My Twisted World we got a detailed description of all the other straws that didn’t. It’s only with this knowledge, that at last we can understand him. Of course by the time I feel finished I imagine this entire thing will be a lot more daunting and all over the place, because I’m not streamlining at all or in a rush to get it all out, but it should provide a complete picture. How I think about things, how I got to be the person I am, etc. Of course it’s totally narcissistic to assume anyone will give enough of a shit to read everything I publish, but I would do it for someone I found interesting or engaging and I think I can be those things to some people. So that’s the plan, maybe.

Thinking about thinking about things

I always hesitate to give the spur or catalyst for one of my internal monologues when trying to share these thoughts I have with someone. Not that I get much opportunity to do so, I’m not comfortable enough around most of the people I know to want to tell them what’s on my mind. When I do though I’ve learned it’s best not to tell them about whatever it is that got you started on this train of thought. Oftentimes it’s something trivial but they’ll latch onto it and it’ll become impossible to stay on point. I understand that a conversation is not a lecture and you’re going to drift, but this is before you can even get into the ideas you have. I want things to go in an unexpected direction, I want the opinions of other people. I don’t want to be told “Why are you thinking so much about X?” Well perhaps not those exact words except for one which is absolutely used frustratingly often, about. It bothers me so much because it devalues my ideas, no longer are they original thoughts but merely a response to or worse a regurgitation of what was presented by another person’s art or action. If I tell them how I feel about this, about that word in particular and everything it communicates to me I’m told I’m overthinking something trivial again. I’m told that but yet continue to not be taken seriously. I’m told that but they continue to focus on whatever silly thing it was that got me thinking in the first place rather than the actual thoughts I’m trying to share and have a conversation about. This is why I believe there’s no such thing as overthinking. Just because the person isn’t intelligent enough toto consciously imply everything they do with each word they utter doesn’t mean the language doesn’t reveal things if you pay close attention. So with that out of the way here’s what got me thinking recently.

868

I was at work as I’m sure most of these will start and this guy and his girlfriend came in. Now I honestly don’t mean this insultingly but he was an entirely unremarkable man. Wearing a graphic t-shirt and a denim jacket, soft spoken and looking ever so slightly uncomfortable. He was exactly who I picture in my head when you say “man” or “guy” other than perhaps his height. He was rather short, in fact the girl was taller than him but she did have heeled boots. Speaking of her, she was essentially his female equivalent. Pretty but not especially so, dressed in a way that didn’t stand out at all (although it would have shocked people a century ago) and wearing minimal but still very noticeable makeup. What I’m saying is that they were the very definition of generic, sure if you get to know them they might prove to be a fascinating and unique pair but given their gormless expressions and what I could pick up form their conversation I doubt it. I don’t like this new NPC meme because I think it’s just the most recent expression of the modern phenomenon satirised in the image above this paragraph, however I feel like if you ran around a street corner fast enough it’d be people like this you’d catch rendering in. So after I’d processed all that for a second I remember my first thought being that these two in this moment were perfect for each other. In this moment specifically that is the key here. As she looked up from her phone to answer his question about what they should get “yeah babe, whatever” and he shuffled up to the counter to pay, that’s what I thought. Outside of that it’s a void, I have no idea how a relationship like this begins or ends, I just cannot visualise it. I can’t picture this relationship progressing into parenthood or marriage when she clearly resents him (you’d know what I meant if you heard her tone of voice and saw her expression when speaking to him) and I can’t imagine how they ever got together in the first place when he’s such a fucking beta male. I really hate that term, I find it so vulgar and I’ve always avoided referring to guys that way even in anonymous 4chan posts because of how ugly it is to me, but this guy was the archetypal beta male and I’d be dishonest if I didn’t say what I truly thought at the time.

I suppose it says more about me than it does about them. I don’t know a thing about these people and I’m judging them completely based on a very brief encounter. I just can’t understand it though. There’s this real contradiction in my head in that what I’m seeing when they’re there in front of me makes so much sense but yet no sense at all. This isn’t that unusual for me either, I get a similar feeling from time to time in regards to completely different things. Things that are completely normal for many people, which is why I don’t find them unusual but I haven’t personally experienced which is why I find it so hard to understand how they happen in the first place. I’m doing a really bad job of explaining this so I’m going to try giving an example here. Think of how career criminals are represented in films (or in pop culture/ major Hollywood productions at least), they’re these jovial or suave characters. Beautiful intelligent women who can pull the wool over any man’s eyes and charming smooth talking men who can get out of any fix. When you get thinking though, it doesn’t make any sense that someone like that would end up with such a life for a number of reasons. People who look like models and movie stars can become models and movie stars and be making far more money without the risk factor of robbing places and other criminal activity. I mean look at actual real life famous gangsters, they’re all busted up middle aged men who grew up in poor/ lower class areas and rose up through petty crime and local violence. It makes people uncomfortable to say this but beauty is an asset just like wealth or intelligence and it concentrates upwards socially. I could go on but this is a complete tangent, my point is that when you try to imagine how these kinds of people in these films ended up where and as they are you can’t. The whole situation is so absurd and it takes you out of the film entirely. So that feeling is what I get, except without good reason like in the case of the film. That feeling of it not making sense is there but at the same time in these other cases it also makes perfect sense… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to properly share what this situation is like with someone unless they’ve experienced it themselves and just know what I’m talking about. I don’t have the vocabulary to properly express myself here and it’s really frustrating.

This feeling I have though is very unpleasant, it really worsens my usual sense of detachment and separateness from society. To most people normal things just are. They don’t seem to think about how, they don’t put any thought into trivial things it appears. In fact it annoys them when you do or they believe you do as I talked about in the beginning. Life just happens and they never really put much thought into it, you could even say it’s like they’re following a prewritten program. In fact that’s probably in part the reason everything just happens so smoothly for them, the more you think about something the more complicated you realise it is and the more daunting it seems. I don’t seem to have a choice though, it really does seem like ignorance is bliss. I’m reminded of this one time, I was watching a video on youtube that was titled something like “I don’t have any friends” or “I’ve never had any friends”, you might find it if you care to look but there’s probably a bunch of very similarly titled videos so it’ll be like a needle in a haystack. Anyway after dishonestly whinging about his lonely existence and “lack of meaningful relationships” for a while he said something like at least he had his girlfriend to keep him company without blinking and then kept on with the video. That’s information about him that completely changes the entire video, should cause any sane person to re-evaluate everything he just said, but he didn’t even fucking blink. I mean call me crazy but surely a romantic relationship is also supposed to be meaningful, if anything more so if you want to perhaps raise a fucking child with this person one day. Apparently not though, I hear people talk about their bfs/ gfs like a meal or an item of clothing or something completely boring and mundane. I’m focusing in quite a lot on this one thing because it’s obviously something I care about being a khv but it’s the same in other areas of their life. People talk about doing drugs or going to parties or whatever normalfag shit they enjoy doing and then wonder why I can’t relate to them. This is including people that know me and know I live a completely different life, and that used to be much more like me. It’s like everyone was able to transition into adult life completely seamlessly and without instruction and I don’t know what I’m even talking about anymore.

I’ve stopped making sense, I don’t want to put off finishing this entry another day though. I think what I’m trying to say is that the NPC thing is a really tempting way to look at the world and it helps a lot to cope with the fact that so often everyone around you can appear totally soulless, but you should be careful because maybe they’re right and you’re just a faggot thinking about pointless shit while everyone else is busy getting laid and doing fun shit. I mentioned earlier something about putting thought into trivial things, and that’s always been a lens I’ve used to judge people, I’ve always personally felt that putting great thought into trivial things was a sign of intelligence. I don’t think I was even entirely aware of this, I know I say this a lot but it was probably not something I was completely conscious of but was just going on under the surface. I think a lot of people like me have a similar thing, in fact I think that’s what binds us together more than anything else. Robots/ incels whatever term you want to use have no other trait quite as unifying. You have short and tall, ugly and handsome, overweight and skinny, rich and poor, and even both clever and stupid ones, but we all seem to spend way too much time thinking about everything. I realise now that I’m am conscious of this that it isn’t necessarily a sign of intelligence after all but rather a sign of someone like me. I don’t know if I’m intelligent, I often feel like a total fool and to be honest I’m a fucking dropout working a dead end job too, but I have so much to say I can’t be that stupid can I?

Anyway, I’m done for tonight I’m not working for the next four days so I’m going to stay up late drinking and listening to Dead Meadow. I know there are two or three regulars who are actually checking every couple days for new posts so hopefully this is another satisfactory read. I’ve started writing some notes for my post about The Cure so maybe that one’ll be next.

Rambling as promised

I was at work today, I still am this was moments ago actually but by the time I re-type and publish this I won’t be, and from the window I could see a remarkably underweight woman. She was truly anorexic, not what americans and bitter middle aged women would call anorexic (that is, a healthy weight) but honestly so skinny it’s probably a health concern. She had one of those big puffy down jackets and a really short skirt or shorts with no tights or leg coverings whatsoever. Really doing everything to beat the cold, but seriously it was ridiculous she looked like one of the balder knights from dark souls with her knobbly knees and this huge jacket. Anyway after being unsure what to write about since finishing my last entry I’m seizing upon the first interesting thought I have and miss spooky skellington is the one who inspired that thought.

She got me thinking about anorexia more generally, not the slang use of the term which is just another word for skinny people but the actual medical condition. See from what I understand it’s considered a mental illness. The girl, and it is a girl you picture when talking about anorexia, claims she still looks fat no matter what. She can be stick thin and will claim she sees something entirely different in the mirror. Supposedly anyway, although I imagine this is just tween girl hyperbole and what she means but doesn’t know how to say (or feels uncomfortable saying so explicitly) is that she doesn’t look like the models who are on magazine covers, advertisements, in music videos, etc. You know, the “unrealistic body standards” that get a certain sometimes overlapping group of women to go completely hysterical every once in a while. The thing is though, and it’s something I’m fairly certain most little girls aren’t told about, the women who have that kind of look aren’t just skinny they’re fucking built too. That’s some of my own hyperbole, but they’re certainly doing serious muscle building exercises. Something almost every boy will learn growing up, but a shocking amount of females never did I’m realising, is that how you look at a low bodyfat percentage will change drastically with only a relatively slight increase in muscle mass. I’m far from a fit person, I try to do some bodyweight exercises when I can like push ups/ pull ups and sit ups though and after doing that irregularly for the last couple years I certainly look more slim now than I did then despite slightly increasing in weight. I was what is called skinnyfat, I still kind of am now but I was for sure then, and I looked ever so slightly chubby in my mind when looking in the mirror despite my BMI saying I was underweight at the time. So here you have all these girls being diagnosed as having hallucinations when maybe no one considered that perhaps it’s just an epidemic of skinnyfat-ism.. I’m only half serious, but I do think in some cases there is definitely something to what I’m saying. I mean think about it muscle/ strength training is widely seen as a male thing, maybe in this instance the feminists have a point about how gender roles can be harmful. I think for the most part I believe fairly rigid socially enforced gender roles are a good thing, but on this issue I suppose it is having an actual measurable negative affect. Most robots/ incels would ask why I give a shit, but remember a lot of these girls haven’t even hit puberty so they haven’t become evil yet. I hope it’s obvious that’s a joke.

I knew that once I found something to write about it would easily lead me into other topics. I just finished copying the previous paragraphs from my notebook onto here now I’m home from work and was thinking it gave off a kind of creepy vibe. I had to stop because it got a lot busier and customers kept making me stop, writing while at work was quite comfy though before that though. I had the Hibernaculum EP by Earth playing in the background which was really easy to write to. Anyway staying on topic, talking about kids like that, even ones around the age of puberty and well into their teens makes me uncomfortable. I know I’m not a creep or a paedophile so it doesn’t bother me really, but if I saw that written by someone else I imagine I’d get those kind of vibes while reading. Maybe not though, did you? I think the anti-paedophile feeling is especially powerful in contemporary western society. So much so that we get uncomfortable and this weird spidey sense kicks in over oftentimes completely innocuous things. Maybe it’s because of the Jimmy Saville case (maybe not such a big deal outside of Britain) and other high profile cases like the catholic priesthood stuff that was going on for who knows how long. Whatever the reason though, people are so incredibly oversensitive and on the lookout almost. Of course paedophilia is monstrous and the strong visceral reaction people have to even the thought of it is normal, and I mean specifically the sexual attraction to pre-pubescent children not hebephilia/ ephobephilia which is a separate and way more complicated thing. I just think that this collective feeling of so many things being kind of weird or “a bit pedo” was never a thing when I was a kid. Of course when you’re that age you miss so many little social cues and details about adult life, but still I think adults could talk about children and liking children or children’s issues without being seen as weird.

Think about this, one day I want to have children or at least one. I would hate to have one now, but when I’m a lot older and can more easily take care of one I think I would like to do so. I’m talking like a decade from now, though my feelings might completely change. I might decide I would make a terrible parent, I certainly would now why assume I’ll be any less unstable in future. As I’ve already talked about quite a bit and probably will continue to I’m a complete loser though. I’m incredibly awkward and can hardly manage a conversation with most people, it takes months for me to even get kind of comfortable around people and that’s when they’re making as much effort. Which will likely never happen to me again, as a kid there were some people like that (the friend I talked about before being one) but as an adult it’s unlikely. I may have spent too much time around incels and their ideology online but I’m starting to really believe that as a male the only people who will ever genuinely care about you are your immediate family and the friends you make in childhood, everyone outside of that is just making a value judgement. I’m not even able to bee myself around some of my own family. I’ve never had a girlfriend and seeing as I have no intention of making a real effort to if I’m honest with myself I don’t see why that will ever change. So if I want a child one day when I’m older and settled I’ll have to go the surrogacy route or adoption if either of them are even legal for single men in this future. Don’t tell me that the idea of a single man wanting to adopt or have a surrogate born child doesn’t at least make you a little uncomfortable.

Well, it’s the morning now I was pretty tired and had to cook and wash up the last few days dishes so I wasn’t able to write as much last night as I wanted to. I still want to add some more to this post though as it’s been a few days since the last one and probably will again until the next. I’ve got to get the shopping later and think of something to cook, but there’s not too much rush. I should be able to finish this up now, then later find a fitting picture and title and upload it. I’m listening to Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me by The Cure, my favourite band probably for the last two years but I’ve recently started listening to them again quite a lot after taking a break for the last few months. I think I could write a whole post on why they’re so important to me. In fact I think what I’ll do to end this post is come up with a few ideas for future entries. If I have an idea in mind already I can work on them in my notebook while at work like yesterday which I enjoyed doing. So, I could definitely try and write about The Cure. Why they’re so important to me, how their (or more specifically Robert Smith because he’s the only member who’s been with every incarnation of the band) music affects me, some memories associated with them etc. I also have had this idea of writing about regret, specifically a select few major regrets of mine or potential turning points in my life that I fucked up. That could be a bit too self indulgent though, it’d just be talking about myself and nothing else, I don’t want to feel like a complete narcissist. I think the best posts I’ve made had a good balance of talking about myself and other people/ things I think about. I also would like to talk about death, specifically the death of my mother when I was 14. I’ve never really said much to anyone about it, but of course this is the biggest thing to ever happen to me and I have a lot to say. I know when I started this blog I said my parents were going away but it was just my dad who I’ve lived with since that age. He’s away right now, looking for somewhere else to live actually. The day where I really am living completely on my own isn’t that far off anymore. Speaking of my living situation, I think I could write about that too, again it’s all very self focused though fuck.. See because of my mum passing away and inheritance I’ve been living in a bureaucratic nightmare for years. Well, that fact combined with some decisions that were made years before too.

Ok, so ideas that aren’t about me. It’s tricky because usually they hit me quite spontaneously and then I’ll just sit there thinking for hours, I don’t really plan ahead what I’ll be thinking about. I could try and write something political, but I’ll need to think about what my politics are because I’m really not sure anymore. I’ve been a kid on the internet, so naturally I’ve spent a lot of time flirting with fringe political ideas both left and right but nowadays I’m not sure where I stand. I can’t shake this idea as well that a lot of what you believe is shaped or informed by things outside of your control. Our ideas and opinions don’t exist in a vacuum, we are genetically predisposed to a certain way of looking at things and also the attitudes of those around you in your formative years have a huge influence. There’s definitely something to the stereotype of the people attracted to extreme politics as losers and social rejects. Looking at the early lives of Hitler and Goebbels or just being aware of /pol9k/ really cements this. The leadership in these movements are fully aware of this too, so that means they target this demographic. George Lincoln Rockwell was quite explicit about this, shit even Hitler in Mein Kampf (not that I’ve read it but I’ve seen this passage posted online) talked about it. It kind of makes me second guess myself whenever I take a stance on something. I think the only thing I’m pretty confident in is the social conservatism I’ve slowly come around to. All the wacky esoteric crap about the eternal spiritual battle between aryans and semites, is a little silly if fun to get into at 3am in the morning when you should be asleep. Even more mundane things, I don’t know a thing about economics even after reading several genuinely quite tough an in-dpeth books on the subject in my “libertarian phase”. I basically have to treat all my political views with a kind of detachment, maybe I actually believe this maybe not kinda thing. I’m not sure, hopefully ideas will come to me. They always have, I just hope that now I’m actually anticipating them so I can write about what I think they don’t become less frequent. That would be just my luck.