Life, we meet again

I suppose the only way to start this is by returning to where it ended. Which itself is something about which I’m not entirely certain. I still have many miles to cover, the alps poke through the clouds below me, but we have to make a choice somewhere. So let us say it ended when I opened this notebook (a gift) to finally start writing about this trip, on an airplane that intends to land just south of Paris a day later than I should be flying home. My plans after that are still somewhat uncertain, there is a train across the English channel at nine in the evening but that gives me several hours to navigate my way north and through the city to the station from which it departs. A city which I’ve been to once before, for a few hours as a child.

Though of course some part of me was quite glad I would get to see her one last time, as saying goodbye yesterday was a little rushed and rather sad, there was something quite unpleasant about having that moment invalidated. Painful as it was at the time, forcing myself to eat a whole pizza which I hadn’t had time to finish in the restaurant as fast as possible so I wouldn’t have a moment free to think or cry, as the train took me out of Rome to the airport, the moment had a certain melancholy beauty to it. In fact thinking about it now, it was very much like the scene from Cowboy Bebop where Ed leaves the crew, and Spike and Jet are eating eggs. I knew that a second farewell could never have the same importance.

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I was too tired to keep writing earlier, I spent the second half of the flight simply struggling to stay awake. Not much time for sightseeing, though the long night-time cab ride through Paris in the rain was very pretty. Notre Dame half ruined, cranes poking out through the broken rock. Warm yellow streetlights reflected in the deep navy blue of the Seine. Frogs in their fancy frocks on beautiful bridges, wide old streets, and everywhere else I looked. Aesthetically, Paris is somewhere inbetween Rome and London – it has the cobbled stone streets, the wide city squares, and the old apartment buildings which sometimes date as far back as the late middle ages, like the former; but the stone is heavier, the colours darker, which I found comfortingly familiar after a week away from home. The ride through the city was almost representative of a transition back from the new world I’ve been living in for the last week to the one I’ve always known.

This minor ordeal has overshadowed the whole trip, the many thoughts and feelings I held so tightly a day ago now scattered to the wind. Of course I can read some significance into recent events, in a certain way things ending like this does feel appropriate, I always feel like this though. I look for meaning in everything, yet never really find it. Relating to this, one of the things I was most upset about yesterday after finding out about being stranded in Italy was the fact that the first ending which I had also found to be very significant ended up meaning nothing. But more than this there is also something else, all the title ideas I have buzzing around in my mind revolve around this unexpected adventure.

Breakfast in Rome, Lunch in Paris, Dinner in London. A Tale of Three Cities (It was the best of times, it was the worst of times). The French Connection. Planes, Trains and Automobiles. They’re all pretty bad – one is literally just a famous movie title, not even a pun on one – but that’s always how it is. While I’m writing a new entry I’ll have many, sometimes dozens, of potential titles pop into my head. I tend to just go with the one that is least cringy, maybe I don’t always choose correctly but I think I do a good job most of the time. My point with sharing these ones is to make clear the thing which is dominating my thoughts. I have a whole long week’s worth of feels, and insights, and moments in time to talk about, but I feel them slipping away. I’m losing sight of it all.

I think I just need some time to reflect, a day or two to regather my thoughts, and certainly a good night’s sleep. Ah, we just came out of the tunnel. I’m in England, I’m home.

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Ok, it’s Thursday now. My first free day since getting back, as we are once again understaffed where I work. I have had some time to collect my thoughts again, and so I’ll try and get them out in this entry. It would be impossible to cover everything though, there’s probably even things I’ve forgotten about that at the time felt rather noteworthy. I tried to write while visiting this new city, but my mind was so awake and buzzing at all times that even when I had a quiet moment I found it impossible to maintain focus. That’s probably what will be a major theme running through this post actually, the bipolarity of emotion and circumstance that held from the day I arrived until the moment I got home. Even the journey home, it was one of the most stressful experiences of my life and yet it was an adventure which I will likely look back on somewhat fondly in years to come.

There’s a lot I intend to write, in fact there may even be six or seven separate posts planned. Not all relating to the trip, but several which may. One I already started work on before leaving actually, something much more experimental for this blog. It was something I was trying out to occupy my time while waiting around the week before I left, inspired by the style of my previous upload. It kind of ties in with a meme that started on /his/ around that time though, and so by the time I actually get back around to finishing it it’ll be horribly out of date. I also intend to change what I’m doing with this blog in a few ways, for various reasons which I will also write a separate post about probably. As well as talking about my general feelings, there was a specific day (exactly a week ago in fact, Thursday) which was quite an important one and I think might make for an interesting post.

There’s more, but I’m less sure about the validity of my other ideas at this point so I’ll leave them as a surprise. I want to talk about this holiday, it was a big deal. Possibly one of the most important weeks of my life, depending on what happens going forward, and certainly one of the happiest in years. It wasn’t all happy, in fact there were a fair few moments that were rather sad and while my time there was lovely for the most part there was this slight sadness that was ever-present. Very dim most of the time, but with the occasional flare up. The main reason I left in the first place was to get away from all my problems back home, and in one sense I did. I didn’t think about any of them once the entire time. Instead I found new things to be upset about, or old things maybe. These things were just as much help in distracting me from all the problems I left back home as the nice parts of the holiday, which I must stress did outnumber the negatives by a lot.

It was always going to be this way, as the saying goes “Wherever you go, there you are”, and I am someone who is prone to melancholy. No matter the situation, I will find something to lament. In the case of last week, it was a few things. I found myself feeling quite isolated on a few occasions, particularly during the first half of the visit before that Thursday where I was forced to get by entirely on my own the whole day. There was this moment when I was in the airport right after landing, and I asked a worker of some kind (a janitor/ cleaner I think) for directions and he didn’t understand a word I was saying. It was jarring, I had asked without even thinking. Of course I was aware that they speak a different language in Italy, I’m not a fool – although plenty of people in the city spoke some English – but I hadn’t actually thought about what it would be like in such an environment until I was there.

I very quickly realised that I would not be able to communicate with a lot of the people around me. I had to get the girl I was visiting, or her boyfriend, to order for me when we would go anywhere to eat. Well I didn’t have to, but it made things far easier, and that feeling of dependence was rather unpleasant. It made me feel small, like a child that had to be taken care of. There was a certain helplessness about me, but I’m glad for it because overcoming that was quite satisfying. I certainly didn’t feel so helpless any more after managing to get myself home the way I did, or on Thursday evening for that matter. It was an unpleasant experience though, and I found myself craving any small moments of familiarity I could find from the very first night I arrived. Any time I heard a native English speaker while walking around I felt an immediate sense of relief, safety even.

I remember the first full day I had there, the Tuesday, we went to see the Colosseum and all the ruins of the forums, temples and monuments right in the heart of the city and we came across a guided tour being given by an English guide. We weren’t part of the tour, and we’d been walking around for hours already and had seen almost everything in the area to be seen (pics below are photos of the area I took from this lookout point on a hill), but I just felt this need to stay and listen to him. I couldn’t pull myself away easily, even though we had been on our way out to go and get something to eat. I didn’t stay that long, the tour was coming to an end as we stumbled into it anyway, I was just surprised by my response. I realised that I had been ever so slightly on edge since landing in the country, and for a very brief moment I was no longer on guard

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This photo doesn’t really do it justice by the way, from up there where those photos were taken you could see so much. There were also these gardens behind us also up on the hill, apparently intended to recreate what the imperial gardens would have looked like in ancient times, which I wish we had spent more in just relaxing. If I go back, I think I would like to return there for an afternoon. I do intend to return, despite how things ended, and some other things I’ll get into later. Not only because there is still much more to see, I think I saw most of the major touristy things and landmarks but I didn’t get to explore much of the city outside of the historical centre, but more because I know I have friends there. Or maybe just one, it was difficult to know what her boyfriend thought of me. At some points he seemed to want to chat and was very friendly, at others he seemed uninterested or even kind of pissed off that he was forced to be there.

He was clearly very suspicious about my intentions, insisting on being there at all times. He didn’t allow her to have a single day alone with me, which was a shame though I can understand given that there was something between us once. Or maybe there wasn’t, some part of me is unsure. Which is what was frustrating, I never had a chance to really ask quite a lot of questions that I wanted to put to her while there like that. I had all these questions, not specific ones but more general things I’ve wondered about for years, that I didn’t feel comfortable asking because there was this scrutinising presence there constantly. While it was not one of the main reasons for the visit I was still expecting to finally understand a lot about the way things went in the past and the truth of things, and even information that would help me in my own life after getting home, by the end of the trip.

I didn’t though, because so much of what I wanted to talk about could easily be misinterpreted as an attempt to hit on her or rekindle something – something that I’m not even sure ever existed – by either her boyfriend or her. I had to avoid the subject of how we first started talking, what was actually happening either of the first two times we used to talk, and whatever there was or wasn’t between us half a decade ago, entirely. I feel like not a soul will believe me, but I really did not have any intentions towards her. I’m really not interested, even though she is much prettier in person, but I was many years ago and I just wanted to find out what was happening back then exactly. There’s still a lot that is kind of hazy, a lot that I don’t know about.

It was just difficult to have a conversation, because I always had to be careful and I couldn’t talk about anything, like I’m used to with her. Yet at the same time, it was so much easier to talk about what we could talk about in person. I could never go back to the way things were, I want to hang out again (though after what I’m saying here, she might not want to anymore) and keep in touch from time to time, but I can’t do the long drawn out text conversations after finally getting to have a normal one. Returning would be easy, and if I planned a few months ahead rather than leaving it so last minute it would be very cheap to return. I would like to see her here though, it was fun being shown around a new city and there’s still a lot of it to explore, but it would be cool to be the one showing someone around next time.

It was very weird seeing her at first, after over half a decade of her being text on a screen essentially. Yes I’ve known what she looks like since 2014, but there’s always been this degree of separation. To me, until this trip, when I thought of her I thought of words on a screen. I was so nervous at the airport, my hands were shaking, and I missed them both at first because I was only expecting her. I noticed immediately when we did spot one another that she was as nervous as I was, if not more, which immediately put me at ease. By the time we got on to the train out of the airport, and had introduced ourselves, my initial anxiety had almost completely dissipated. We went to a place near the big central station in the city, a short walk from my hotel, Termini. We got these big deep fried balls of rice, mozzarella and meat, Arancini they’re called.

After this they took me to my hotel, and we agreed to meet back at the station the next morning. It was when her boyfriend said “see you tomorrow”, that I realised he would be there with us for the entirety of my visit. Which I was a bit annoyed about in that moment, because she had said several times when planning for the trip that she herself wanted time alone to chat and hang out, and then didn’t tell me that she changed her mind. I wasn’t so bothered by him being there, though not having a single day was a shame, just that I wasn’t ever really told about the change. By the end of the trip I wasn’t even thinking about it anymore, when she told me he insisted on coming along with her the morning after my flight was delayed to help me plan out how to get home from Paris, I was surprised she even felt it worth mentioning.

Of course he was, whenever one of them is there so is the other, like conjoined twins. That’s how normal it was after a couple days, I kind of forgot that before I arrived I was ever even expecting to spend time with her only. Her tone in the message implied she did find it annoying though. “He insists on coming even though it’s only for a few hours” I think she said, or something like that. Which did make me realise, actually it is a little odd that he insists on being there. If even after a whole week, he’s still convinced I’m secretly only there to steal his girlfriend, then he won’t ever not think that. It’s just a shame, that there was this subtle implication hovering over us all the entire holiday that made things slightly tense.

Now some points during the week were probably more fun or went more easily thanks to him being there. He knew the city very well, which made getting around easily, as well as finding good places to eat and drink. It was also a lot of fun going drinking as a group of three, in a way that maybe going with just her wouldn’t have been. It felt like what it must feel to have a group of friends as an adult, something I’ve never had. I have two friends, and the three of us very occasionally go out together, but going out multiple times a week and joking and chatting is something I’ve never had. We went out three times during my stay at night, the first full evening they left me to go home fairly early and I stupidly decided to try and walk home despite having no experience of the city yet.

That led to a little adventure of it’s own, we said goodbye near the Colosseum which is where the day had started and they went to the station while I walked back to the bronze statue of Augustus which I had seen earlier that day and wanted to look at again. It was built during the Fascist regime, but a replica of a stone sculpture that dates back to ancient times. Augustus is one of the most impressive figures in human history, and I found the statue pretty cool, so I wanted another look. It was sunset, and a street band were playing a cover of Californication by the Red Hot Chili Peppers as I stood there staring up at the larger than life representation of this larger than life individual.

I carried on back the way we’d gone that morning, heading around past Trajan’s column intending to go up some stairs and onto the road back to my hotel, but standing at the bottom of the steps was an African man with many bracelets. He spotted me, and somehow could tell I was from England. “London? London!” he called out at me. I told him which city I’m from, he replied that he had a brother there. “I love England, such a good country, no racist there, no racist”. “Hm, don’t be so sure” I muttered with a slight smile. “Me, I’m from Sierra Leone. You come to Africa one day yes?”. He put his arm next to mine, “see, you white, me black, but same”. He took one of the bracelets off and put it around my wrist faster than I could pull it away. “Oh no, I really can’t” I said, trying to remove it, but he had tied it on quite well.

“It’s fine, it’s for you no charge because you England. No racist”. I said ok, and began to leave but before I went he asked for me to wait, he had his phone out. “I like you England, let me get photo for my family in Senegal” he laughed quite heartily, and putting his arm around my shoulder he took a selfie of us both. I smiled for the camera. I have to be honest, his English was not great but it was better than nothing at all which most people around me seemed to have, and I was actually quite enjoying the interaction. Then his voice became a little more serious, and he told me that he was very poor and he had kids to feed. “A donation brother, some euros for my children?”. I wasn’t about to go into my bag and pull out my notes, but I had a couple of coins in my pocket and offered them to him. He told me to keep them though, “only if you want brother, that is useless, ten euro only if you want”.

I didn’t want, and so began to head up the stairs. “It’s alright brother, you going to Termini? Is down that way” he pointed down a side street which went led in a very different direction from where the stairs I had been heading did. I didn’t know where I was meant to go though, so I waved goodbye and went down the street, and after about 30 seconds I spotted him following me in a car window. I got a bit worried, thinking he might try to bash me over the head with a rock or something, and so I turned around. He stopped dead in his tracks, and slowly his rather serious expression became a grin. “Ha ha haa, brother! Just a few euros for my family ok, very poor”. I took one of the euro coins out of my pocket, placed it on a stone bench and said that was all I had. Then I walked as fast as I fucking could out onto the main street at the other end of the alley from where we entered.

I then spent about two hours getting very lost, surrounded by people speaking a language that was total gibberish to me. Beautiful gibberish, but gibberish nonetheless, I didn’t know where each word ended or started when trying to listen in on people’s conversations. Luckily, I found two businessmen smoking cigars outside a restaurant – a sight that was much more common than back home, the only man I’ve known who smoked cigars was my granddad – who spoke pretty good English and managed to direct me back to the station, from where I easily found my way back to the hotel. It was a very unpleasant evening, probably the worst though the first night wasn’t too much fun either. I had a pretty similar experience that first night actually, after getting through the rather (and I don’t use this word lightly) kafkaesque experience of actually getting inside my hotel room.

See when we first got to my hotel entrance on Monday night, instead of a reception we found a plaque near the door telling us to go to a different building just around the corner. We went there, and found a reception to a different hotel,  with a very strange looking man behind the counter. He looked like a man from a nightmare I had many years ago, when I was younger than ten. In the dream I was with two friends, two brother I haven’t seen in years, and this man lived in a huge gypsy tent on a hill. The man, tanned skin with a large smile and a big bald head (the guy behind the reception had his hair, but still bore a striking likeness to the dream man), invited us to come in, but only one at a time. After some time, the second friend was invited in, and I remember this creeping fear begin to build. Then, lastly I was allowed in also, but when I entered neither of my friends were anywhere to be found. I woke up after this if I remember correctly.

Anyway, it’s a silly dream but I saw him and was instantly reminded of it. He explained that there were three keys, one for the door onto the street, one for the entrance onto the floor owned by the “hotel”, and one to my room. We went back to the original building, “see you tomorrow”, I headed inside. The front area was pretty big, but empty. Just a wide open room, with no decoration at all. No plants, no chairs or tables, nothing on the walls, just a big room with a cold marble floor. I headed up the steps and found the specific hallway that was “my hotel”, from what I understand the different floors of this building are owned separately. So some floors just had normal apartments, but my floor was a hotel. I walked along to my door, you could hear people in their rooms but again not a word of English. I went to try my door, but I couldn’t get it open.

I spent maybe ten minutes trying the key both ways as hard as I could, even trying the other keys, to no avail. Eventually I just gave up, I carried my suitcase and backpack back downstairs and around the corner to the other hotel with the reception desk and the nightmare man. I told him about the key, and he insisted that it must work because they had used it earlier that day to clean the room. All he would say was that I should try “more strong”, and so I went back. I climbed the steps, got to the door to my floor, and tried the key. Of course, now this one wasn’t working, even though I’d had no trouble at all earlier. I did get it open after a while, but in doing so I cut my thumb just below the knuckle and it bled for a good half hour. I got to my room, tried the key again, and somehow it worked without any difficulty. After relaxing for an hour I went back out, thinking a night walk would be nice.

It wasn’t though, it was quite unpleasant, I tried to listen to music but I couldn’t do it for some reason. There was just nothing I felt like listening to, it all felt wrong. So I listened to the people around me, they were my music. Which is a bit like something David Foster Wallace said in an interview I watched later that night (or perhaps on Tuesday night) on my phone during a visit to Italy. Lately I’ve been watching other interviews and speeches of his, I’m not sure why but I find them quite comforting, and this one was no exception. He quite articulately expressed almost the very same feelings I was having, about losing independence, about the shame you feel when you can’t talk to someone in their own language when you’re a visitor to their country. Again, by the end of the holiday I was far less bothered by this, but those first couple days were difficult.

Of course, I also had much more time alone those first two days. In fact on Wednesday morning when we met again I immediately asked if we could go somewhere that evening so I wouldn’t have another evening stuck in my hotel room feeling alone and hungry. Because I didn’t eat dinner on Tuesday night, after spending two hours completely lost in a foreign city the last thing I wanted to do was go back out and attempt to order food somewhere. So on Wednesday we went to this really nice park, had a fantastic pizza at this place near to a children’s museum, and then I went back to my hotel for a few hours while they went home to relax for a few hours, before meeting back up that evening for drinks. I tried writing a bit, but I couldn’t get anything coherent written, and after that I didn’t bother trying again the whole trip.

We went out drinking every night I was in the city after that, other than Thursday, and I think if I’d have only asked we would have done so on Tuesday and even possibly Monday as well. As soon as I mentioned the idea she was very enthusiastic, and after that night on the other days she was the one asking to do it again and told me she had checked the train times and everything. The first night was lovely, we went to a cocktail bar for one drink, then an “Irish pub”, which was really just a normal british pub. The guy behind the bar was English, which immediately put me at ease the same way the tour guy had the day before, and I had a pint of Guinness and actually felt at home. Then we went to a pub right in front of the Colosseum, I had this really good beer called Leffe (which is unusual, because I don’t usually like light beer), and pic below was the view when we left to get the train home.

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The second night wasn’t particularly interesting, though it was still really nice. We didn’t go to a pub really, just a small restaurant that also had a bar. I had a huge plate of pasta, one of the biggest portions I’ve ever been served in a restaurant, and we chatted. We talked a lot while drinking, obviously, which was really nice. With inhibitions slightly lowered by alcohol, conversation of course could flow much more easily, not as much on the second night but certainly on the first and third. Really those nights out were the only time I think any of us felt fully comfortable, her boyfriend and her both being kind of awkward people like myself. We went to this late night pastry shop after the restaurant which was interesting, it had a funny double entendre in the name that didn’t translate perfectly into English.

The third night we went out was my favourite I think, though it was kind of a surreal one. The whole day was actually, because we went to the area where my friend actually lives. It’s a little further out than my hotel, just under an hour on the train from where I was staying, by the sea. I guess like a suburb, or connected town. We went to see the seaside, walked along the beach and watched the sunset, and had dinner at this place on the way back to the station that night. The weird part though, was seeing the inside of her apartment. After all, this is a place I’ve only seen in pictures at various points over the last six years on a laptop screen. It was very weird for me to actually be there, almost like I’d stepped through a portal. Her pets which I’ve seen loads of photos of, and her room, I even met her mother. The dog was lovely, though a little fat, it would stand over the cat watching it eat after finishing it’s own food, which I found quite amusing.

So that night we found another pub, and so began a rather strange evening. First of all, we sat down and there was this television show on in the back where we were sat which was very odd. It was some kind of national music competition, like Eurovision but only within Italy, but as the night went on the contestants became more and more bizarre. The first couple of performers were very boring, a middle aged man in a shiny suit singing a very emotive ballad, a woman in a long ballgown crooning into the microphone, but later there was boy band (penguin squad or something like that) dressed in black and white jumping around all over the stage, a guy dressed in orange who stole a purse from a woman in the crowd, a transvestite dancing around with a twink while barely bothering to actually sing.

The staff of the place we were at were themselves more interested in the show than doing their job, at one point I think there were four or five of them sitting in the back with us. It was a very small place as well, no idea why so many staff were needed, and there were more who weren’t working that day because I was told they were gossiping about another girl woman who worked there a few times. There was this very strange little dog, more like something between a rat and dog actually, very slim. Short brown fur, a skinny little neck with large round head. It was on a lead, but it was allowed to just roam around the place pretty freely.

I tried various cocktails, a Pina Colada, a Long Island Iced Tea, some others which I forget the name of now. I remember going back to the bar at one point to order one and Friday I’m In Love by The Cure was playing. Towards the end of the evening, she took out her bag and told me she had a gift. Three small notebooks, one of which I’ve already started using, and a key ring with some artwork from the Little Prince and a quote in the original French. It was lovely, I felt bad for not getting her a gift myself, especially because I had considered trying to find one to bring from England but forgot about. Next time maybe, if there is a next time.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye

There’s still so many things I haven’t been able to mention, some of my favourite moments of the trip I’ve had to leave out. I probably walked more in that week than any other week of my life. I had great food every day, and saw so many wonderful pieces of history, but most importantly of all – despite the few issues lurking beneath the surface – I felt what it was like to actually have someone who really wants to spend time with me. I have my friends yes, and when we do get together we get on incredibly well, but it’s difficult to actually make that happen. Last week, there was someone who actually really wanted to and was consistently making the effort to spend time with me. For that I am forever grateful, and it has really helped my confidence. I’ve only been back a week, but I’m having a far easier time talking to my co-workers or the customers. I feel like I’m speaking more clearly, that people are understanding me more easily.

It’s odd, because while I got along pretty well with the girl I was visiting I was still pretty shy and quiet the whole time. She misheard me or had to ask me to repeat myself a few times, and I had the same issue with her, but that did happen less and less as the week wore on. I don’t know if this is something temporary, if I will gradually return to my usual meek and lifeless way of life, but for now I feel a vigour I haven’t felt in a while. Since before I first was introduced to this girl actually. I will have to wait and see if it continues beyond a week, it may just be nothing more than a feeling of refreshment after getting away from things that will pass shortly. Either way, I’m back.

At least I’m getting the hell out of this gay city soon

I knew that I would feel this way, and yet I went there anyway. I did it I did it, and now I am stuck in a room all grey. I can’t even find it within myself to write something coherent, I won’t sit here all day. That’s not true yes I will, but I won’t spend it typing, dwelling in ink. Code more like, because I don’t truly write. I type. None of that means anything, I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’m just TYPING things out trying to say something and I’ll stop when I’ve covered all the things that are making me hurt. I know I shouldn’t, hurt I mean, but I does be. Can you ever guess why?

Right now, I have a hangover but a mild one only. I always make sure to drink enough water now, after bad experiences resulted from not doing so years ago. I’m perfect, I was asked why last night but not by one I wish would think of me so. Actually I don’t wish that, no one wants to be with perfect they want to be with “just like me”, going easy, won’t throw up in my boyfriend’s car. Fucking kill me. It was in response to this wish to avoid day after dehydration that this accusation of perfectness was hurled at me, quite unexpectedly. The pent up wonder at my careful carelessness I believe. In some sense I am glad that through mild drunkenness it was revealed that my efforts do go noticed; though by her tone I can see perhaps not in the way I have held in my head it must be.

This exchange was at a flat, four of us the same as last time abandoned by the rest, at an hour I would usually long have been asleep. Or at least lying in the dark tossing and turning, or staring up at the ceiling, kept company only by uncomfortable memories. The flat in question, occupied by the girl or woman I would (not) like to have called me perfect, her partner who was very friendly and probably deserves her, and at least one trouserless Hungarian who only wanted to use the washing machine. The house of one of the abandoners was close by, some jokes were made about that. She told me she sometimes sees him in the early hours and swerves behind a car, she motioned, in order to avoid him.

This walk, about ten minutes from the station to the residence, was the highlight of the evening for me. I had a plastic bag of sickly sweet almond liqueur which she gave to me to carry, and I liked that. It felt like some kind of recognition of my masculinity, because it was done unthinkingly particularly. Unconsidered, and therefore real. I walked with her on my right, and though stilted there was conversation. She told me that she likes to watch shows, she said I like to watch shows to relax. Unprompted. And there was a sadness. I don’t want to project, but the implication seemed to be that she does yearn for something else. I wanted to say something but I couldn’t, I turned to look at her and she looked up at me and so I would have something rather than nothing I asked to clarify the name of the show she said she had just finished recently that she told me about.

It’s a sci fi show, she pronounced it sky fi which was charming. “Oh, you like that sort of thing?” I asked, the emphasis not judgemental but meant to suggest I was learning something about her. It was a moment like that which I had been yearning for myself, if I’m being honest. I just wish I could stay in that moment, her warm brown eyes staring at mine and bashful smile. I just feel so much better when she’s there, close by. The walk was a wasted opportunity I think to myself, there were stretches where we didn’t talk and I wanted to desperately wanted to say something but I didn’t know what to. The illusion I’ve held for the last few months was shattered there on that dark stretch of not quite suburbia yet also, when I did say something and was misheard.

I asked something about the cigarette she was smoking, I don’t smoke myself but I do quite like the smell, I don’t recall exactly what but it was a question which is the important thing. She responded as if I made a statement, “oh, really?”, and broke my heart. Maybe I should stop with the melodrama, it was more of a disappointment, but it did hurt when it happened. I had this idea that with her that didn’t happen, it was what I thought was one of the reasons I fell for her. Everyone mishears me, especially people who have English as a second language which is actually quite a few of the people  I find myself surrounded by ironically. If not ironically then coincidentally, whatever.

She always made the effort, or didn’t need to, but then at this point quite clearly and a few other points that were less cut and dried I found out this was not the case. My only hope is that maybe I was speaking even more softly than I do most of the time that evening, which I do feel might actually have been the case but I don’t know why. I tried to speak up, but I just can’t do it. Throughout, everyone had to lean in whenever I was asked a question or trying to say something. At the first pub, over the dinner table, at the second pub, on the train, etc. There’s someone else grabbing hold of my vocal chords, and every time I attempt to increase my volume his grip tightens. The bastard, he’ll doom me. I would uproot him if I could and revenge myself upon him for the years worth of damage he has caused.

I don’t feel anywhere near as awful as I did last time I made a post like this, well not like this mess but alike in subject matter, I will see her tomorrow for ten minutes and it will be lovely as always. It’s so pathetic, it’s so unbelievably pathetic, I wish I had other words to use but I just hear pathetic over and over in my head ringing out. I can’t help how I feel, when in her company however briefly I just feel better. Even though I paradoxically also find that it hurts to be there because of moments like those walking last night (this morning) where I find myself in a classic case of the porcupine’s dilemma. So desperate to reach out, not physically but to bridge an emotional gap yet refraining because I know that if I do I’ll be walking into a wall of spears.

I learned some foreign swear words, but I forgot them all. I remember how to say thank you in her language though, not that it will come in much use to have such knowledge. Then again, what use is any of the trivia I’ve collected over the years? It’s Valentine’s Day shortly after I get back, that subject came up at one point during the evening. I’m not getting the day off, because I won’t need it. I was asked if I have any plans “a secret admirer perhaps?”. Really funny stuff. Actually, I’m too harsh it was kind of funny in the moment and I did laugh. I laughed a lot, not the kind of full hearted near to tears pain in my side wheezing laughter I have with my close friends but closer to that than I’ve ever been with these people before. Usually at these work meetups I smile, I chuckle politely, but I genuinely found myself amused on a fair few occasions last night.

I had a good time, for the most part. It’s complicated, I was switching back and forth a lot in my feelings about the events while they were occurring. At first I was nervous, shaking actually, trying to get comfortable but failing. The one who I can’t stop thinking about seemed pretty disappointed that one of the two guys who cancelled last minute wasn’t going to be there, I really hate to say it because envy is so ugly to me and something I’ve always done a good job of not falling for, but I did feel a tinge of jealousy. I know that the two words are not synonymous, but I’m not sure which one described my feeling in that moment. Envy is the desire for something you don’t have, and jealousy is the fear that you will lose something, nowadays the implication tending to be that this will happen because someone else will take it.

I don’t know what it was, do I just feel envious? Do I just wish that she would feel similarly if I were to have not turned up? Would she I wonder as well, I really don’t know. If so, then it would be closer to jealousy, and if not then I suppose it is envy. I really do wonder just what she thinks of me, it’s so hard to tell. Sometimes I feel like I make her uncomfortable or she doesn’t want me to be there, a micro expression here or a comment there gives me this feeling, and it hurts. Then she laughs when I speak or say something, both when I try to be funny (and in my opinion fail, but apparently not hers) and often when I’m just talking normally. She does seem the type to laugh a lot, but I do think it’s a little more frequent with me than when I’ve seen her talking one on one with any of the others from work. This is very possibly a fabrication of my ego though, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that in fact the opposite is true and I make her laugh less.

She doesn’t flinch or seem uncomfortable in any way when I touch her. When we were there in the pub, she had some kind of stain on her elbow from the table and I grabbed it to look, and she didn’t mind at all. That was quite unlike me by the way, I had not had much to drink yet at this point and I’m usually so incredibly frightened about crossing people’s personal boundaries, to a degree that is rather comical, and yet without even having time to think as soon as I noticed her examining the mark I found myself reaching out. It wasn’t a sexual or creepy thing of course, there’s nothing particularly erotic about holding a clothed elbow in your hand for less than ten seconds, if I were to grab her waist she’d probably freak out. Of course I would never do anything of the sort, again I’m actually really quite surprised I even just grabbed her arm like that. It’s a bit concerning, if I were to see some other guy who isn’t her boyfriend do that I’d find it suspect.

Am I going to become a lecher, a groper, a fiend who women from all across the world will fear. They joked about these sorts of men, they wanted to go to a nightclub and we almost did. It would have been a gay nightclub, because the guys at normal places are apparently too touchy feely. I’m glad we didn’t go, instead I would have been the one who faced the grotesque creeping hands of slimy men. A friend of mine once warned me, and me specifically, that if I ever find myself in such an environment I will be groped. I’m not sure if he was complimenting me on my looks, he does occasionally make remarks of that sort I think because he believes it will boost my confidence, or if he was talking about how I look quite young and by doing so remarking on the predatory vibes that the “gay scene” is known for.

I would have felt so out of place there, on the one hand I enjoyed myself more than expected at the local club I went to in December and maybe would have danced again given enough alcohol, but it would be too degenerate for me I feel, apparently drag queens are even known to make an appearance at the place that was suggested. It’s a weird thing, to operate as a sane mind in modern Britain. But what can you do? To even suggest that all the various different sorts who collect under the LGBT banner are anything other than wonderful is social suicide. When the lovely girl who maybe hates me was teaching us swear words in her language she told us the word for faggot, in a rather awkward way, she said “this is like the word for “gay” but in a not good way” or something like that. Fine with me, based actually. But then one of the other girls said something along the lines of “we don’t say that here” or “we don’t have that one”… So uncomfortable, but it was a very brief moment.

I noticed as well that I caught her staring at me far less often than on other occasions like this. I often turn around to face her very suddenly when I’m finished talking to someone else or if I’ve just been doing nothing staring at the ground, and like to find her looking in my direction sometimes smiling other times looking away like a child who has been caught doing something they shouldn’t. Maybe I’ve done that one too many times, and she has decided to make a concerted effort to focus elsewhere when I am present, or perhaps I have a self serving memory and the frequency of such a thing is actually less than I recall. I want it to be true, but I shouldn’t. Even though I have no intention of making a move I still feel so awful just for even desiring a taken woman.

I feel awful he was honestly a really nice guy, he drove me all the way home at half past three in the morning, over half an hour’s drive and even though I said he could drop me off early he insisted on taking me right to the front entrance. He had a friendly demeanour and look, his physiognomy and behaviour tells me that he is a decent individual. And they’ve been in a relationship for a long time, they’ve been living here in England for five years at least. There was another awkward moment when she was asked about marriage and she acted like it was a crazy question, noteworthy because she’s functionally married already. Maybe the relationship isn’t perfect, maybe she doesn’t see herself growing old with him.

You see? This is why the situation is awful, I hate that there is a part of me that wants to see a relationship fail. Yet I have to want that, an unwanted want it may be but that doesn’t make me feel much better. I spend so much time thinking about how she would feel if she found out how I do, if she were to see all this thought I’ve put into every minor interaction that she herself must have long forgotten. I wonder if she suspects something already, which is why she feels more distant since I’ve seen her recently. She’s been quicker to leave when we switch over at work the two times since she’s come back from her trip home, though still very friendly admittedly.

She did invite me into her home though, I feel like if she was concerned about me getting ideas or as a potential stalker, which I am obviously fucking not, she wouldn’t do. Yes she invited three of us, but still the suggestion came totally out of the blue. Before I left to meet everyone that evening I wouldn’t have thought for a second that the night would have gone the way it did. If only I lived alone, we could have come round to my flat. Perhaps next time the chance arrives I will be, I can only hope. She also seemed to want me to come along specifically, when she first suggested we go to her place I was a little hesitant as it is so far from where I live, but she asked me specifically to come and said I’d get home safe. I’m just rambling.

I tried to cover all the moments most memorable, the chronology not so important, I don’t know if there’s any others I’ve forgotten. A certain individual who may have unknowingly played a crucial role in this blog’s creation was brought up at one point. Referred to as “my friend” weirdly enough, the implication of which I’m still in doubt about. A suggestion that my feelings and even the scrap of goodbye I hid for her are known of? Or more of a complaint that those two had some kind of hostility to one another, and nothing about me was meant. Preferable, and probably more likely, I just like to torture myself with worry over every tiny thing because at least it’s better than the dead grey walls and the dead grey sky and the sludge of life. Terror always trumps tedium, I think.

Oh of course, how could I forget! Fernando Pessoa’s Book of Disquiet, the not-a-novel I mentioned in the post previous. I received a copy as a gift, when we all gave gifts to one another. Well, those of us who were present. Two three four at the pub, five at the restaurant, four after that until six, briefly, before five again and finally one. It might sound like a shocking coincidence, but in actual fact the guy who bought me the gift had asked me in advance for a list of things I would like because he was struggling to find a good present (he also passed around a list of things he wanted for himself, for his “secret santa” to find) and that book was one of the ten suggestions. Nevertheless, it is rather interesting which choice he made. Maybe he is more of an understanding individual than I first thought.

I had to lie a little to explain how he could have known which book to get, I said it was already a favourite of mine and that I used to have a copy but lost it. When we were guessing who bought whose gifts I said I had told the guy who bought me the book that it was my favourite, which was why he knew to get me a copy and why it must be him. I will take the book with me to Rome next month, for the plane, if I get it back before then. I left it behind at her house. There was a big bag with all of the gifts in, so they were all left behind there. I wonder what she’ll think of it, I saw her flicking through it and reading a page at one point. Which is fine, more than fine I hope she reads through it a little before bringing it in to work. I really would be interested to hear what she thinks about it.

And while I would like to bring it with me, part of me also thinks perhaps it’s best saved as something to comfort myself with when I return. After all I will probably be sad that the trip and my time with the person I’m visiting is over, it’s inevitable. We subject ourselves to the pain of something coming to an end because we are taking a gamble that the thing itself will be worth the upset to come. Being immediately thrust back into the things I’m running away from won’t be much fun either. So maybe I’ll ask if she wants to borrow it, assuming she doesn’t just bring everything with her immediately and actually seems interested in the book. Or maybe I won’t.

Unexpected journey

This coming Saturday there is an evening planned with everyone I work alongside, much like the one I went to and described in this entry just over a month ago. I don’t think it will follow the exact same routine as last time, for one thing the boss (a middle aged man with a wife and children) will be there this time which means we’re unlikely to end up at a nightclub at three in the morning. I could be wrong, but I feel like it’s probably not his scene. Then again, it’s not mine either. I kind of glossed over this in that entry as I was rather preoccupied with trying to talk about one thing in particular, but that night was actually the first time I’ve ever been to one before. I’m sure that doesn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone who knows even a little bit about me. I’ve been in similar kinds of environments a few times before, but never an actual proper “club”.

It wasn’t a typical experience of course, in fact to see me there accompanied by three women I must have appeared quite different from the complete loser I really am. It’s rather an amusing image given that context. The typical nightclub experience from what I understand, is of same sex packs of men and women, seeking to get as drunk as possible and secure a one night stand. Normie favourite top 40 choons provide the soundtrack as the hierarchy of attractiveness is formulated under dim lighting through the medium of crude dancing, it’s like an absurd game. The abrasive flashing lights and overly loud music the artificial obstacle, the self sorting of people the ultimate objective. In my case the music was there and the lights, but the game was something I was only a spectator of. Me and my co-workers found ourselves in a corner some distance from everyone else in the place.

I did dance, briefly with the girl who was the focus of the entry I wrote about that evening, but we were really just goofing around. I didn’t sense the same connotations as I did when seeing the normies grinding on one another, if anything in my mind I was taken back to times spent dancing around as a little kid with my friends. I haven’t seen here since that night actually, I will see her tomorrow for the first time. Hopefully I can finish this entire entry tonight, if not I at least hope to have it finished before Saturday and the staff get together. This time without being around her has been good, because it’s helped me to get back to normal. In fact some part of me thinks maybe it would be better if I never saw her again, if she hadn’t have come back to work and instead decided to remain back home.

I don’t want to be the person who wrote that entry linked at the start of this one, which is the same person who wrote the very earliest stuff you’ll find on this blog. I want to be someone who remains clear headed. I don’t mean to be excessively self deprecating, but reading that post conjures up an image of someone who is contemptible to me. If I imagine it having been written by someone else that is. I understand that a lot of people reading like that kind of post from me the most, the kind where I am most emotional and expressive, and I do admit there is something there that is rather moving in a way that my other posts aren’t. I’m not intending to hide my feelings, this blog is where I can comfortably share that sort of thing anonymously and I actually do think that something about being in that more emotive state does improve my writing.

I’m really talking more specifically here about the exact feeling about which that post was written, oneitis or whatever you want to call it. I’ve long grown past the age where such thoughts are appropriate, historically speaking I’m of marrying age and yet I’m still experiencing crushes like a barely pubescent boy. People I went to school with have had children, it’s like they’ve had a whole life I never even knew. I’m about the same age Elliot Rodger was on the Day of Retribution, and aside from the murderousness I’m in a pretty similar situation. I really don’t want these feelings, I feel like there’s something wrong with me when I do. I’ve explored the feeling in depth, long time readers will know I’ve talked about on quite a few occasions, I know that it comes from a place of desperation and I hate that.

It’s particularly annoying because after this one post in particular where I tried to examine the idea of “oneitis” in as detached a way as possible, I really thought I had rationalised the feeling away permanently. Oh how foolish I can be sometimes. So now I’m just anticipating having another day like the one I wrote that entry on, all those feelings all over again. I’m really not looking forward to it, I’m half considering pretending to be feeling ill and not showing up on Saturday. I want to go though, we’re all exchanging presents (a game of secret santa, left this late because several people are only just now back from visiting home), I have bought one for someone and will be recieving one. I also just enjoy it, I’m one step removed from being a complete hikki I take what little human interaction I can get.

I wish I could just enjoy it, this will be the sixth of these little meetups we’ve had since I’ve started this job and all the ones which were not accompanied by any of these sort of feelings were actually really nice even with my usual social awkwardness. In fact I talked about the other two previous to the one around Christmas time in older posts on this blog here and here. Neither of those posts were exclusively about those evenings, the second one I don’t think had more than a line or two in reference to it, I just feel the need to always link a post if I mention it just in case anyone is curious. There are a lot more new people reading these now for some reason, who perhaps might be interested in going back to read my older posts. So by all means feel free, but do bear in mind that there are quite a few of them that are pretty crappy.

Just reading through that first post of those two I just linked, I’ve been reminded that I didn’t just talk about how I enjoyed the evening so much because I didn’t have feelings for anyone there, but I also kind of predicted the exact feeling I’m dreading experiencing this coming Saturday. In some sense any interaction with her will feel tainted by my feelings, and insincere because of course I’m hiding them. When before as described in that very entry I was really pleased at being able to just enjoy the company of these people I work with without there being any kind of hidden desire being held. I was just appreciating the company of others, and I went home feeling perfectly content because there was nothing I had felt I had to achieve by being there other than merely being there.

Last time just before Christmas however, I spent most of the evening wondering what she was thinking and just longingly staring at her like a simpering pet, it really was pathetic. And even though I am not, and was not at the time, affording any validity to the idea that there will ever be anything between me and this girl (or woman I suppose, she is in her late 20s) I still felt a failure after the evening was over. That is the problem with this feeling, I call it oneitis but I suppose the more widely used term is unrequited love, every interaction with the object of it ends with you feeling like a failure. These evenings much more intensely so than the brief ten minute interactions we usually have most weeks, but it’s definitely there for every single one to some extent. It has been a breath of fresh air to have that dissipate as she’s been away, and I do not welcome it’s return.

I wasn’t experiencing it for that long before that last evening out though, it has been relatively recent. Perhaps the feelings I have began to develop again only a month or two before that evening, it’s not like they’ve been there all along and I was just lying (either on this blog which I have no reason to do as it’s completely anonymous, or just to myself) when I said that I had exorcised any budding interest for her after she first started and I found out she had a boyfriend. I really did manage that somehow, and it’s important I make this clear because I don’t want that post I was just talking about a couple of paragraphs ago to be invalidated by the more recent one. At the time it was written, those were my honest feelings. It’s a shame that things didn’t stay that way, but they were that way. The question is, why didn’t they stay that way?

I know it can be annoying when I keep referencing back to older things I’ve written, but in that one post I linked earlier where I tried to really analyse the idea of oneitis in as detached a way as possible (naively thinking it was something I wouldn’t experience again, and that it was something I could choose to stop feeling), one of the main conclusions was that in most cases the person experiencing the feeling doesn’t actually really like or know much about the person they claim to have feelings for. I was mostly drawing on my own experiences, though I have read a lot of greentext stories about these kinds of things over the years as well. Yet now I really do feel like I genuinely like this girl. I don’t know a great deal about her, but I know far more than I did about any of the other girls I’ve called oneitis.

More importantly we get along, I feel comfortable in her company and not awkward at all which is pretty weird for me. Even if I don’t know much about her interests or anything like that, it doesn’t matter because those things are kind of superficial anyway. I know I like the person I’m interacting with, her temperament and demeanour around me inspires a fondness that I do think is genuine. Then I start to wonder what the chances of that really are. I write a post and find myself with this new revelation that I never really truly liked any of my past crushes and then a few months later I just happen to find someone that I really do genuinely like this time. I can’t even trust reality, I can’t even be sure if I’m actually experiencing the things I think I’m experiencing.

One thing I’m sure of is that oneitis is an evolutionary strategy designed to inspire those who are not currently procreating to… do so. There’s a reason that the phenomenon is associated with my fellow losers from 4channel.org rather than billionaires and movie stars. Of course we are complicated creatures and so all our personal baggage complicates the feeling, but at it’s core that is why the experience exists in humans. It’s also pretty much a male phenomenon only, again because for the most part women can get laid or find a partner if they want to so there is no need for this “push in the right direction” that I think oneitis essentially originally developed to function as. How powerful is this feeling though? Is it genuinely capable of convincing me I actually like a person that I otherwise wouldn’t? Because that is actually quite a scary prospect if you think of the implications.

It would mean that you can’t trust any of your feelings, anything opinion you have at all in fact. This is why I hate these kinds of evolutionary explanations for feelings or behaviour, the all emotions are just chemicals in your brain bro rick and morty talk. It really does depress me when I’m forced to think about it, I don’t like the idea that my thoughts and feelings are anything other than what they appear to be. Even though that does seem to be the case. I really do feel different with her though, and I noticed this before I started to develop feelings for her this more recent time. I know that she’s very friendly with people as a rule and so for her part nothing is different when interacting with me than with anyone else, but for me I do find myself acting differently.

I’d like for her to be secretly harbouring similar feelings, and because I’m a narcissistic mental case part of me thinks she might even though there is no good reason to, but I am also capable of thinking rationally and I realise that it’s incredibly unlikely for reasons I’ve gone into already before. So her being easy to talk to and very friendly might partly explain why she isn’t interested in me, but it doesn’t explain why I don’t find it awkward interacting with her when I do with almost everyone else. In fact I recently talked about how few people there are who I can really relax and be comfortable around in another post, and other than her they’ve all been male. I’ve known plenty of very friendly and open people both male and female, and them being that way didn’t help me feel any less awkward around them.

There’s this awful normie term to describe it when two people are somehow compatible, they say “they have chemistry”. Another similar term is “sexual tension”. I wouldn’t say that I have that with her, I just don’t have that energy and I never will in any circumstance. I’m not that kind of person, I have this naïve vibe that I can’t ever shake and honestly I don’t really want to. Even when in an environment with a woman who I know for a fact is attracted to me, because they’ve asked me out, there is no chemistry or tension I don’t believe. I’m too obsessed with purity, I am in all senses anti-sleaze. There’s something though, something that may very well be entirely one sided, and it’s making me doubt everything for reasons I’ve just explained. I don’t want to deal with it, and all the other feelings that I was dealing with this time just over a month ago that might come bubbling back up again after Saturday.

I just need to get away from everything, from all the people I know and everything that is familiar to me. Luckily I will be, I’m going to be leaving soon. I actually already attempted this right after writing that post I’m responding to in this one. After the feeling continued for several days I couldn’t take it any more and the only means of escape I could think of was the most literal kind. There’s only one place in the world other than the city I live in where I know anyone, Rome (I also happen to really find Roman history fascinating so that’s a bonus too), and so I began making plans to leave as soon as the decade started. I was going to leave on the first Monday of January, but I was told that I was really needed at work as we were understaffed already.

By this point a week or so had passed and I was starting to feel normal again, but I knew that the feelings would likely return as the dinner we’re going to this weekend was already planned back then, and upon thinking about it I realised the trip would be a nice idea regardless, and so I rescheduled it by a month. So, on the first Monday of February Anon is going to Rome. The eternal city, not just the once great capital of European civilisation but to this day the heart of Christendom. The city I live in is also very important historically, but it’s a very different place. It’ll be a really interesting experience I think, and if nothing else I’ll be able to get away from this godforsaken situation I’ve been living in for way too many years briefly.

I was intending to spend quite a bit of time in this entry talking about the idea of travel, specifically travel or travelling/ tourism in the 21st century, as it is something I have quite a lot to say about. I think I’m going to leave it though, I’ll write about that to be sure but I’ll give the subject it’s own separate post. Spoiler alert, I’m going to come off like a cynical and bitter faggot when I do write it, but I won’t be as harsh as some people on /r9k/ tend to be regarding the subject. I’m also not going to bring my laptop with me, so as well as being away from everything else in my life I’m going to be away from this blog for the first time since I started it. Which is something I am not entirely happy about, but I know that even if I took my laptop with me on the plane I’d still have very little time to write anyway. I will bring a notebook with me to keep notes, and hopefully the trip will inspire a good post or even several when I return.

I’m hesitant about it because over the last couple of months I’ve very suddenly grown an audience almost out of nowhere. I’ve been essentially writing to myself for over year, there have been a couple of you since the beginning but at all times there was the thought in the back of my mind that any day could be the day I stop getting visitors for good. I frequently went weeks without anyone visiting, but now I get multiple visitors every day. It’s strange, and I’ve been wondering if it’s actually the same people coming back or if for some reason I’m being promoted somewhere without realising it. Either the wordpress reader could be doing it, or some search engine, or who knows. So I know you people don’t comment, but I’ve made a poll to try and figure out what’s happening here and if you could just quickly respond to it I’d appreciate it.

Here’s the link https://www.strawpoll.me/19290209/. Don’t worry, this isn’t going to become a tradition it’ll be a one time thing. I’m just trying to get to the bottom of the sudden change not begin harvesting your data for the Chinese government. There probably won’t be another upload before I leave, I’m working five days next week and will be making some preparations for the trip, so it may very possibly be three weeks or slightly over until there is. It’s going to be difficult for me to see the visitors every day on the stats page if current trends continue, the one good thing about having almost no audience was that I didn’t feel like I’d be letting people down by not posting frequently enough. I’ve announced it as clearly as I can though, so at least I know that no one is expecting anything.

Maybe I’ll have time to write the next section for the Pre-Socratics post, I’ll probably read the next chapter over the next couple of days, and I’ll maybe at least start the next full post before leaving which will give me something to quickly resume and upload after I return. It is going to be quieter around here than usual though. Thanks for reading, as always.

Books: Part 12

Before I get into this post, I just want to preface it by saying that I know this one took quite a while. I have been quite busy at work, as I will be for the rest of this month actually, so I have had less free time than usual. I also spent a couple evenings writing the most recent update to the post I’m working on which covers various pre-Socratic philosophers, which of course also meant I couldn’t be writing on the next full upload those nights. I do want to spend more time adding to that post, because it is really where my interest is primarily right now, so I might upload slightly less frequently for a little while because I will be adding to that. Now that’s out of the way, I hope this post is a worthwhile read. It’s a little on the shorter side compared to some of the stuff I’ve been uploading lately, but I didn’t have too much to say.

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The reason I started this series was in order to decide what books of mine I was holding on to for no good reason, and therefore should be thrown away or donated. I thought it would take an afternoon, but soon it will have been a whole year and I doubt I’ll be finished even then. Because of this, there has been a pile of books waiting to be taken away in the corner of my bedroom that has slowly grown to be quite a nuisance. So just over a month ago, I decided to start getting rid of these books and clear some space again. Come to think of it, there was no good reason for me to have held on to them all this time, if the plan was just to get rid of them either way. I don’t know why I felt like it had to be all at once. Regardless, when I was taking them away I found that there was one book amongst the pile that I couldn’t bring myself to discard.

In the third part of this series, which I uploaded some time early last year, I briefly mentioned a book called The Crying of Lot 49. This was back when I wasn’t really dedicating a whole post to one book but just sort of going through the pile I have a few at a time. I hadn’t really developed a structure for this series yet. It’s very likely you’ve heard of it before, it’s a very famous book, but I was quite dismissive of it. It was a gift though, and more than that I never did actually read beyond the first chapter. So seeing it and being annoyed at myself for getting pleb filtered, I decided that instead of throwing it away I would give it a second chance and read it through entirely. Well I’ve finished it now, it’s a fairly short novel, and I have to say I really regret being so dismissive because it was quite good.

I’m not going to attempt any kind of serious literary analysis, because I am incapable, I am just going to give my thoughts on it. My thoughts being, essentially, that this book is beautifully written. Pynchon is able to do something with the English language that I couldn’t have even envisaged until seeing it done. There is a plot unlike what I said before, and also unlike what I said about it before once you get accustomed to Pynchon’s unusual style it’s very easy to follow, but where the book really comes into it’s own is when it goes down these very brief asides. It’s hard for me to really illustrate it in my own writing, because I am no Pynchon, but I actually believe that the cover art on the copy I have (pictured below) actually represents the style rather well in visual form.

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The meandering nature of the telling of this story is very much like a dream, which is really what makes this book so enjoyable. I have always been drawn to art that is able to somehow capture the experience of dreaming, or some part of that experience at least, in it’s own way. I was fascinated for a time by Surrealist artists like Dali and Magritte even as a young boy, shortly after I remember my mum taking me to a surrealist art exhibition. My favourite film of all time is Brazil, as I’ve probably stated on this blog before a couple times, and that film is literally the closest thing I’ve found to a dream being captured on film. I really should write a whole post about it some day. I’ve talked about Ariel Pink a few times, who is able to capture something from the dream experience in his music in a way that really intrigues me.

In literature though, I’ve never really found anything that was able to do it. I read a book by Haruki Murakami after a recommendation to from a friend back in 2015, Kafka on the Shore, and in some respects there is a dreamlike quality to it. It’s not really within the writing itself though, but rather the plot. Well more like plots plural, because from what I remember it’s like two different novels that the author switches back and forth between. Anyway the characters in these stories, and from what I understand most of his books are similar, have a tendency to ignore or be unfazed at least by things which are in fact kind of fantastical or even magical. Which is rather like a dream, if you think about it.

When you sleep, you enter a world that makes no sense at all. Yet we never seem to really notice, until after we wake. The locations are unfamiliar, yet feel like places we know intimately. People move and behave in ways that are impossible, or out of character, and we don’t even seem to care. I think KotS did a good job of recreating that, and maybe I should read some of his other books. Pychon however, not only does this as well though much more overtly as I’ll try to explain later, but also captures this within his very writing. The way he drifts from subject to subject, only for a second before moving on again, it creates this very dreamlike flow.

His writing is a bit overwhelming at first, there are sentences that run on to be the length of a short paragraph. Where you’ll reach the end and have forgotten what the context was at it’s start. The language itself is rich, I even had to look up what a word meant a few times and I think I have a reasonably sizeable vocabulary though I could definitely benefit from learning more. It’s not like there isn’t a lot I still could learn, English has more words than any other language in the world. In fact I may have even said this before, but one of the reasons I’m hesitant to attempt to learn another language is because in a way I still feel like I’m learning English. I do love the English language and I think it is more complex and beautiful than it tends to get credit for. Indeed this very book I’m talking about is a monument to what it is capable of with the right mind. Although maybe that’s partly a cope, I’m also just too lazy and dumb to learn another language.

Anyway staying on topic, once you do adjust to his style then the book really opens up and you just find yourself being drawn along this winding story which takes you from one wacky scene to the next and you just accept it. As do the characters themselves, so it’s not only that the plot and the way the characters are presented is as if they are in a dream or dreamlike state, but the experience of reading the book puts the reader into one also in a sense. Or at least it recreates that one aspect of the dream experience for you, and this is achieved with the written word alone which I find to be a rather impressive achievement. It’s so well done, and this hypnagogic feel that the book has is the result of multiple different literary choices.

There is one chapter in particular which is where this book reaches it’s peak, artistically speaking, in my opinion. It’s towards the end where the protagonist, an adultress so hardly a likeable character, Oedipa Maas (all the names of all the characters in this book are equally weird, my personal favourite being Mike Fallopian) wanders around a city at night in a sleep deprived haze questioning whether the events of the story so far are trustworthy or if she is being set up in some way. I won’t go into any detail about the events of the story here, but to give some explanation the book tells a detective story of sorts and has the main character attempting to track down two mysterious private postal service companies who have been feuding with one another for centuries.

In this chapter, she wanders the city at night and begins to see the symbol of one of the two companies (Thurn and Taxis, a real postal company from history that became a princely house in the Holy Roman Empire and who are still an incredibly wealthy family of the German aristocracy to this day) everywhere. The reason she begins investigating them in the first place being that she stumbled onto the sign in a public bathroom, at first she just thinks that she’s seeing the sign more frequently as the book continues because she knows what to look for. In this chapter though, it becomes clear that in at least some cases she’s clearly hallucinating, and the places she notices the symbol in become stranger and stranger.

It’s a fantastic little book, and I’m definitely going to hold onto it because I think I very well might read it again now I’ve gotten accustomed to Pynchon’s style more and I might better be able to enjoy the early chapters which I read while still easing into the book. I should read other books of his though, partly because as brilliant as this one was it’s not where his passion was apparently. Indeed from interviews it seems that he considered this book to be a “potboiler”, a work designed to sell well and provide him with the funds to live comfortably and work on what he considered to be his real life’s work. It’s kind of demoralising to read that, that this book which is better written and more clever than anything I might write was just a means to an end for the one who wrote it. He is a very intelligent individual though, apparently starting a degree in physics at 16 but quitting to serve in the military according to Wikipedia.

I say it’s demoralising because recently, and indeed primarily as a result of reading this book, I’ve started to wonder again if perhaps I could ever write something myself. Of course I write every week for this blog, but I mean fiction/ a novel or short story or something like that. That’s what I wanted to do when I was very young, I used to love writing little stories and even later on going into secondary school I wrote some awful poems to share with my friend. I think I talked a little about this already in one of the earlier parts of this series. Generally speaking though, I’m not a particularly artsy/ creative type of person. I’m just not that way inclined, I can sometimes be profoundly affected by art and I have a reverence for what it can sometimes be, but I don’t have this urge to just “create” that some people seem to have.

I like what art, and particularly writing (perhaps because the medium is so old, and has had it’s potential explored with a great deal of thoroughness) is capable of, and the idea that I could express my ideas and thoughts through it somehow, but I don’t have this real need for it that some people talk about having. I could live my life without ever writing a novel, or painting a picture, or doing anything in whatever other creative outlet you can think of. Some people I think would rather leave something awful than leave nothing at all, whereas I would prefer to leave something rather than nothing but if I am only capable of mediocrity or worse then I would prefer not to leave anything. Of course, if I were to do anything it would have to engage this fascination with the ethereal that I have.

Reading this book, it’s just reminded me of what literature is capable of being. It’s not a masterpiece, but it’s a really special little book that I’m glad I read. I think I should try to read more, I used to read so much as I’ve talked about here. I have started reading more lately, last year I read the most I had since I was 16, but it’s mostly been history and philosophy (non-fiction). I’ve been reminded that writing can be beautiful and evocative and funny and charming etc etc etc. I wonder if I could ever do something like that, in my own small way because of course I’m no Pynchon. If not professionally, not someone who is published or who is able to make a living from writing, could I at least have this blog be more than what it is right now?

As well as being a place to share my thoughts, to talk about my silly first world troubles, could it actually have some greater aesthetic value one day? I don’t know, I think my writing has certainly improved since I started this blog. I’ve said this more than once already recently in fact. Although because I had forgotten so much, it’s more like I have simply returned to the level I was at when I finished secondary school. I don’t think that my prose is any better than something a teenager could produce, but I can continue to improve. Or I can try at the very least, and reading more will only aid in this endeavour. I will have to see what happens, as will those of you who are following and interested to see what happens with this blog.

I’m not really sure how to end this entry, but I think I’ve covered everything I wanted to when I started writing this morning. Except for one thing actually, which I wanted to try and fit in when I was talking about the book but I guess kind of works here as well. The ending of the book itself. See, the book slowly builds up tension throughout as Oedipa gets closer to finding out the truth of the mystery she’s following (outside of a couple of brief asides like when she has to visit her therapist/ husband’s MKUltra handler in the middle of a shootout with the police) and it concludes with her standing in a room with a man who is just about to reveal himself as one of the figures involved. The moment is about to arrive, she is shaking and preparing for how to react, and that’s where the book ends. Almost like, you’re being woken up.

Link to Part 11

Link to Part 13

A low-key start to the New Year (and decade)

I wanted to write something really meaningful or at least somewhat special to mark the beginning of the new decade that lies ahead of us, but for the last three evenings I’ve sat down to write and my mind has gone blank. I thought maybe it would be interesting to reflect on the last ten years, after all many of my most formative experiences took place in that period, and it also feels like the world around me has changed quite a bit (although the changes I’m thinking of really began around 2007/08) in that time. So I made a few attempts at something like that but was unable to really get anywhere and I deleted everything I had written more than once. I suppose I’ve already reflected on both my own life over the last decade and the wider world quite a bit since starting this blog, so maybe it is better to use this time to think about what the future might hold instead, I thought.

Again I tried to write about how the world will continue to change over the next ten years, and I also tried to keep things more personal and write about how my own circumstances may, but I got no further than I had when dwelling on the past and so I deleted everything I wrote in those attempts also. I’m sorry to have to say so, but I’m afraid this isn’t going to be one of my best posts. I feel compelled to write something to mark the occasion though, which is why I am going to somehow produce something worth uploading one way or another rather than just ignoring the date completely. It would feel weird to upload my next post without at least acknowledging the importance of the New Year, and as I think I did a reasonably good job of explaining last year, it is important.

There is a real significance to it, and given that we’re at the start of (and also the end of) a whole decade, that significance is even more pronounced this year than it usually is. And it’s not like I have nothing to say, I’m just struggling to find the right way to do so. In fact it’s that there is so much one could say that makes it so difficult to maintain focus, I have noticed now I have over a year of blog posts to look back over that the ones which are narrower in scope tend to be the best. They tend to be the ones that are best written, that feel the most heartfelt and intelligent, and so on. I get too ambitious sometimes, I try to say too much and it just handicaps me. I guess that’s something to keep in mind, a New Year’s resolution I can try to hold to going forward, to maintain focus when writing new posts for this blog. Of course getting taken by a tangent is something which makes my posts interesting, as my writing style is kind of “stream of consciousness”, but I can do a better job of keeping that controlled without losing it altogether.

Speaking of New Year’s resolutions, and specifically ones which relate to this blog/ my writing, I set some for myself last year so let’s see how I’ve lived up to those. I remember that I wanted to make my writing more accessible to “normies”, I had only had the blog for a few months this time last year so I was still accustomed to the only kind of writing I had been doing for years which was posting on 4chan. My earliest posts here were a complete mess, the paragraphs were huge blocks of text longer than the screen which I would break from at rather arbitrary points, and I was really steeped in the jargon and culture of that site. I still am of course, I still spend hours there most days, but I have managed to clear my mind of that a little and writing for this blog has been largely responsible for helping me do that.

I think that nowadays anyone could visit this blog and understand what I’m talking about, whereas the stuff I wrote in that first “phase” would have been gibberish to a lot of people. When I do use some kind of odd chan specific term now, either out of habit or because it’s actually the best way to explain a feeling or phenomenon or whatever, it’s infrequent enough that it doesn’t prevent you from being able to understand what I’m talking about. I’m not really writing for people on 4chan (well in one sense I am, several of the regular readers are from there I believe), nor anyone else, nor myself even, not exclusively anyway. I’m just writing. Indeed in recent weeks I’ve actually been getting more normie visitors than ever, I haven’t had a single day without at least one person visiting my page in a whole month. Only half a year ago I think it was, I was going weeks at a time with no one at all checking in.

Of course it would be just my luck now I’ve said that for all the new visitors to disappear suddenly. Indeed I’m probably not going to finish this post until a couple days after the start of January, as much as I would like to get it up by the 1st, so by the time it’s uploaded maybe that statement won’t even be true anymore. Nevertheless it is true right now as of the 30th, and as well as having no days without at least someone reading what I’ve written it’s pretty common to have multiple visitors a day. I’m really happy with this current situation. Now given that it doesn’t tell me anything about those people who visit other than the country I can’t know for sure how many people are return visitors, but my best estimate is that there’s somewhere between ten and twenty. Which as I’ve said from the very start is a perfect amount of people, and the exact amount I was always hoping to have.

I really like having a small group of people who are genuinely interested in reading what I write and who will reliably return to read more, it makes me feel like I’m doing something valuable. If the numbers stay at exactly where they are now for the remainder of my time writing this blog (however long that may be, I certainly have no plans to stop as of now), I will consider it to have been a success. Of course if more people find me, that’s perfectly fine as well. The only thing I really wish would change is for there to be more actual responses to what I write, though I’ve already written about this plenty of other times so I won’t go on about it too much now. All I’ll say is that I’m surprised, given that a lot of you seem to come from 4chan where people are often all too eager to speak their mind, that I’m never able to actually generate any kind of discussion about the things I write about.

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It’s now the 1st of January, I’ve entered the next decade. Maybe I was in the middle of something with this post, I’m not sure. I don’t want to delete everything I’ve written so I’ve put a line separating what I wrote a couple nights ago from what I’ll write tonight, and perhaps tomorrow night as well if I don’t feel finished this evening, this way it wasn’t a waste of time. So what I’ve been thinking about over the last few days is how awful the last ten years have been, the worst decade of my life. Now that’s not saying much because I’ve only lived through one other decade in it’s entirety and a few years of another, but nevertheless it’s been mostly miserable and I won’t soon forget it. Almost everything bad in my life took place in this last decade, my mother’s death, the loss of most (very nearly all) of my friends, my turning into a complete recluse, the spectacular failure that was my further education experience, and overarching it all the experience living with my dad and the gradual degradation of the relationship I had with him as a boy.

Indeed the decade is really defined by the experience of living with him, when I think of the image that defines my personal experience of the last ten years I picture myself sitting in my room in front of a computer screen trying to ignore the noise he’s making in the other room. Whether the 2020s are destined to be the decade in which I “make it” (although I really have my doubts about that, and I certainly don’t believe we’re all going to do so I’m afraid to say) or instead they will take the much darker route which I speculated about rather recently, they will not be defined similarly. It’s fitting how I ended things I suppose, I didn’t go anywhere of course and instead spent the evening at home with him.

I was working that day, as everyone else I work with didn’t want to do that shift (though I have to say, the tips were very good), and I didn’t get home until about nine in the evening. I arrived home, ate some dinner and then we watched a film, and it ended right before the clock struck midnight actually. The fireworks went off all over the city, and the decade ended. Other than that last part it was basically just a normal evening, there was no kind of celebration and me and my dad just tersely wished each other Happy New Year and then said goodnight. He went to sleep, and I did myself after about an hour, and so the decade died as it had lived. It’s been hell, but it’s over now. A decade from now I can be certain that whatever happens, if I’m still alive, it won’t end like this one did.

In fact not even next year will end this way, because he’s not going to be living here anymore by then. Even if I spend it alone, which I hope isn’t the case of course, it will be far preferable to this. The other guy who was working that morning before I arrived told me he would spend the night alone, he didn’t seem to upset about it. Well he was a little upset or he wouldn’t have felt the need to share it with me, but only a little, he joked about it. In fact it would make sense for me to be alone, because I am going to be going into this decade alone, and it will probably be defined by this in the same way that the 2010s will always be defined in my mind by the presence of my father. It’s time for me to strike out, to make my own way in the world. I’d say to be a man, but I still feel like a boy. Perhaps to become one then, maybe at the end of this decade I will be able to see myself as an adult finally.

Because right now I feel like I’ve barely changed since 2014, and in turn in 2014 I felt the same way as if I was no different than the person I had been at the start of the decade. Now looking back in total I do feel like quite a different person than I was at the start of the 2010s, but nevertheless this clearly shows that the decade in general has been a very stagnant one. I mean, for most people their mid teens and early 20s are a time of huge life changes and personal development, but that’s not been the case for me. Instead of experiencing life I retreated away from the world, it was a monastic experience in a way, but I now must leave the cocoon. This decade in comparison to the last has felt very short, I mean when I think back to the 2000s it feels like they were three or four times as long. To be fair, I probably lived three or four times as much so that makes a sort of sense.

I can’t remember the way I ended the 2000s exactly, I know I was with my mother and that family of south americans I’ve talked about on this blog a couple of times. In fact I very nearly ended up spending the New Year with them at their place again this time even though the last few years they haven’t invited me, but the girl my age (who is sort of a friend, but we don’t ever hang out anymore other than when I visit the whole family) actually needed to go to sleep early that night because she was working the next morning. Another person who had a pretty boring/ sad New Year huh.. I guess everyone is just miserable these days. Anyway as I was saying I don’t remember the details but I was with my mother, and that family to end the last decade which is also fitting in retrospect. Because if this decade is defined by my experience living with my dad, then I suppose that decade is really defined by my relationship with and experience living with my mum.

Thinking about it now I haven’t written anything on this blog about my relationship with my mum, and maybe I will one day though not right now, all I’ll say is that it was not always great. I was a difficult child, we argued a lot, but I never had this feeling I have with my dad where I just want to get away from him. I just can’t stand to be around him anymore, everything he does, every little movement or the way he speaks, it makes me so unbelievably angry and upset. I don’t even understand it, it’s like I’ve somehow put all my bitterness about life and the things that have happened on him. And to be fair he is not entirely free of responsibility, but neither is he entirely to blame. That being said, this is the way things are now and I can’t stand being around him. The idea that we would still be living together by this time next year is intolerable, I would rather die than have that be the case.

That last paragraph makes me sound like such an awful person, but I think if you understood the full context you would at least be able to sympathise with my position. It’s over though, I’m finally going to be free of him. The next decade is mine to fail or succeed in. Not to say that a lot of the failures of the last one were not my fault, they were mostly because of me. It was because of me that I became such a loser, it was because of me that I fucked up my education. If I had actually been more intelligent or hard working I might have ended up going to university as everyone expected of me from the day I was born. Going to university is kind of like the first step in the cursus honorum for middle class brits. My point here is that I’m going to be on my own, free of all this dead weight that is trying to drag me down into the mud.

This post has a really depressing tone to it, even though it should be hopeful. It’s just taken a toll on me, I’m not going to just get over the last ten years in an evening. Also, the changes aren’t all going to come right away. He’s still going to be living here until perhaps as late as the summer, and while I do have plans for some things to begin the process of growth or whatever relatively soon that means there’s still some time living like this left for me. The timing doesn’t match up perfectly, this end of the year thing is just kind of symbolic. This whole decade has really made a mark on my psyche, I mean even this narrative I’ve formed for the next decade is kind of defined by not being like the one that just passed. It’s one thing for the seeds of the next decade to be sown in the last, but maybe to define it entirely in reaction to what happened means I’m never going to truly get over it.

I don’t think I have anything else to say, this post is a bit of a crap one but it’s better than nothing. I do have plans though, there will be posts that are just as good as my best so far if not better in the future. Things may get better, and things may get worse, but at least they won’t stay the same. I remember thinking last night, after my dad had gone to bed and I was alone in my room, that I should listen to a song to start the New Year before going to sleep. I was really not sure what to choose, and I wanted it to have some meaning. Eventually I got to thinking about what I’ve ended up making this post about, how my life basically fell apart over the last ten years, but then a more positive thought popped into my head. You know what, I’m still here. And for that, I figured that I had earned some Congratulations.

Thanks to those of you who’ve been reading these from the start, and to more recent readers as well, have a Happy New Year and I hope you stick around until the next one.

Merry Christmas once again

I thought about writing some kind of special post for Christmas, but not a single idea came to me after a day at work spent thinking about what subject I might choose that I felt would warrant such a description. In part because, while I am feeling far better, I’m still dealing with a lot of the same feels that my last post was written to help me make sense of. At least, that was one of the reasons for it’s publishing. I was also hoping that it would make me feel better immediately, and it did help in that way a tiny bit but notably less so than writing for this blog has helped me to feel better at other times over the last year since I started it. It did allow me to make sense of things as I said though, in a way that post is like a diagram of my mental state at the time it was written.

Now here I am, exactly one week on from the night which was the catalyst for the whole ordeal that following Sunday. I haven’t seen her since, but I left a note over night for her to find when she opened the shop one morning wishing her a Merry Christmas (not entirely unlike how I left a note just over a year ago for someone else to find I suppose), and in fact today as I think I mentioned she’s turning 27 so in the group chat everyone wished her a happy birthday. She responded saying thanks to everyone, and I had been looking forward to the opportunity for even this most meagre interaction all week so that was nice. It probably sounds like I’m deliberately trying to paint myself as the most pathetic person to ever walk the earth, but I’m not kidding here. I really was looking forward to simply having the opportunity to wish her happy birthday over text and in turn be acknowledged (though only together as a group) in response.

Of course I don’t have to include this information, but believe it or not my last post actually received a comment (something which I wish I got more often, even if they all end up being hostile and insulting) which affirmed my belief that the honesty I try to express in these blog posts is what probably appeals most to people as well as being what defines my writing/ output on wordpress ultimately. I talk about all kinds of things, I talk about my experiences with or thoughts about music, about philosophy, fiction, psychedelic drugs, my job, homeless people, and yes those unfortunate girls who happen to earn my affection, but there is a through-line to it all.

I’ve talked about this before a few times regarding the theme of doubt, which is something which frequently comes up here. Speaking on what purpose this “project”, or whatever you want to call this thing I’m doing, has though, an emotionally honest insight into the experience of a young male is what I’m trying to present. I’ve gone back and forth on this, sometimes liking the idea and other times cringing at it, but it really does function essentially as journal/ diary that I happen to share with strangers on the internet. Of course the awareness of such a presence (you) changes the writing, changes the structure and the format in various ways both small and large, changes what I might talk about, keeps me motivated to consistently write, etc. Nevertheless, whatever it is I’m doing here is recognisably journal-like.

Now experiences of unrequited love, or at least infatuation I’m really not sure if I feel right referring to any of the experiences of this sort I’ve had over the years as “love”, are something which I think most if not all people in a similar situation to myself will have gone through at least once if not several times. I will admit that for me it’s almost a pathology though, I seem to fall into this situation with a concerning frequency. Oneitis, or whatever term you prefer to use, is a frustrating but inescapable feature of my life. I suppose it’s like the “compulsion to repetition” that Freud talked about, or whatever it’s called. I learned most of what I know about Freud in my psychology A-Level classes back in 2013 so my memory isn’t great and I never finished the first year either, but I think the reference is an apt one in this context.

It’s the right thing to do to include that anecdote at the start is what I’m trying to say, because it is emblematic of the situation at large. I’ve only just read back through that previous post today. as is probably made obvious by the many mistakes and absence of links when referencing older posts, I didn’t even read through it to do any editing the day I uploaded it. And I noticed when reading it back to myself today that I mentioned the recognition I feel when interacting with her which I’m glad I did because it is a large part of why I have developed the feelings I have. There are so few people who I’ve met who can consistently make me feel that way, who I feel more real after interacting with than less. Most conversations I have with people have always seemed off, like we’re kind of talking past one another.

It’s quite difficult for me to explain what is different with these few people, or even what the issue I’ve always had with most normal people is, I’m really struggling to put it into words. I probably use this word way too much, but it’s like there’s a certain resonance. When I find someone like this, it’s like when you’re fiddling with a radio dial and getting nothing but static and then you finally find a station. It’s not even necessarily the case that these people are anything like me, if you were to say look at their interests or personality type or anything like that then in several cases (though in total there are only a handful of people like this I’ve found, new oneitis of course, my only two current friends who I’ve talked about a few times, an Egyptian guy I knew when I was 17/ 18, and a guy in my chemistry class when I was 16, and maybe one or two others I can’t remember right now) you would find they are quite different from me.

In turn there are many people who share several interests with me (both superficial and more meaningful ones), who have a personality more like my own, who come from a more similar background, who may even share in the same difficulties I’ve always had, and yet I just don’t have this connection with them. In the abstract I might, in that last post I talked about the author/ poet Fernando Pessoa who is a figure that I very much relate with, yet there’s no reason to assume that if I were to have been able to meet him, or someone very similar, we would get along. I guess the only way I can explain it is to refer to the whole “bee urself” meme, because that’s what I’m able to do around them in a sense while being unable to around anyone else. That is my demeanour, how I carry myself, how I respond to things I find funny or sad or annoying, how I speak and move, around these few people is far closer to how I am when I’m at home and truly relaxed than how I am around most other people.

What is noteworthy is that new oneitis is the first female who I’ve met who is able to put me at ease in this way. Every other person like this that I’ve described, though they are few in number, has been male. I’m hoping there might be more people like this, I guess I’ll have to just wait and see, but for now she is the outlier. Until her, the one unifying factor I could think of to help me try and figure out how to find more people like this was that they were all male. After all I am generally even more awkward around women than men, and this whole phenomenon I’m talking about is a post-puberty one. Now that doesn’t mean that the two things were exactly aligned or even connected literally, but around a similar time period but possibly slightly before beginning puberty I went through a fairly significant personality change.

I started secondary school and for the first year I had two pretty good friends with whom I would regularly get into trouble for acting silly in class, getting into little fights with, the typical mischief you can expect from a 11 year old boy. I became very well known rather quickly for being a class clown kind of character, and not just in my class but across the whole year group because I was so frequently sent on “time out” to other classrooms. At the end of that year I was sent to a behavioural correction unit for the last quarter of that year, and then the first quarter of the second year. When I got back, I was kept separate from those two friends and moved into a new class with people who knew me by reputation but I didn’t know at all for the most part. This was the point in my life where things changed quite drastically, I became the shy/ nervous individual I really still am to this day.

I went from someone who got excited when we were told we would have to make a presentation in front of the whole class (I remember giving a presentation on Roman occupied Britain in that first year and really enjoying it), to someone who began to feel dread when told to prepare to do one, within a period of about a year. I did find new friends in time, but they were very different kinds of people. The nerds, the other awkward kids who spent lunch break in the library away from everyone else. And I didn’t really feel that comfortable around them anyway, by this time I had become the person I am today in a way. This was really the year where I first felt truly out of place, or at least this is the year where the process of becoming that loner/ weirdo character I had always felt a strange kinship with despite not being similar to actually started.

I spent a lot of time struggling with this, but then towards the end of the third year I met the first person of this new type I started this entry off trying to describe. In his case, not only did he have this ability to put me at ease and allow me to bee myself around him but we actually did share many interests and ideas, and also the same problems with awkwardness and loneliness. The two of us were very close for a time, and eventually we brought in that third friend and those two are now the only friends in the world I really have left. At least irl, for the time being, of course I’m always hoping things will change. Everyone since then has just been a normie, people that aren’t like me at all I don’t think. Yet they have something, some quality, and I don’t know what it is. It is a most elusive characteristic, if only I could more easily identify it my life might have been much easier.

For all this talk of changing personality though, there is also much which has remained as is. Last Christmas I took the MBTI test for my “Christmas special” post, because I thought it might be something fun for me to go through and for others to read, and I kind of made a mockery of the questions. I said I would write a follow up to that post, but I never did. I forgot about it honestly, and then when I came to write my Addenda post where I responded to many disparate things which I wrote over the entire first year of the blog, I was reminded but for some reasons decided against including a section about it. I guess I have some thoughts now though, which kind of relate to what I’ve been writing about in this post so far, and as I said at the start I don’t have any real ideas for what to do for this post so a response to the last Christmas post is as good an idea as any.

So I was pretty mean in that post, I dissected each question and I think made the test look pretty silly. Yet I don’t actually think the MBTI is entirely without value, I think it’s unscientific and the actual tests they use to find out what category to put you in tend to be terrible, but the general idea of separating people into various personality types makes sense to me. People say things like “oh yeah, so you think there are only 16 different people in the world”, and of course I don’t as that would be ridiculous, but I do believe that we can categorise people by personality type. The most well known site, the one I used last year, is 16personalities.com, and one thing I will say that I like about it is that as well as the wordy/ jargon terms for the different personality (INFP, ENTP, etc.) they also give each type a more normal name.

INFP for example, the result I got last year and also two of the three other times I’ve taken similar tests in the past, is also referred to as the mediator. Interestingly last year when I took the test they called that type the dreamer, which I think I prefer and certainly feel is a better description of myself than “mediator”. The one time I got a different result I believe I was given INTP, which they give the cutesy nickname of the logician, and I can see it to an extent but I actually do have to say that when reading the descriptions for all sixteen types (you can find them on the 16personalities site if you’re interested) the INFP one does seem to fit me more so than any other. The funny thing being that I didn’t actually get that result every time, and that at least last time when they showed me my results for the test I was very close to getting almost the complete opposite result for three out of the four metrics they use to figure out which of the 16 types you fit into.

There’s also a fifth measure used only by the 16personalites site, at the end separated by a dash. Turbulent or Assertive, which I didn’t really read much about but it seems to me that turbulence is being used as a placeholder for neuroticism. Honestly though I would just drop the whole scientific façade entirely, and instead simply present the 16 types without the silly letters and just ask people to self identify. I feel like I got a much better understanding of which of the types I am most like by reading all 16 descriptions than by taking the stupid test. The test if anything, because of it’s many faults, almost led me away from the type which most describes my own personality. I say most as well, rather than simply saying it does describe me, because of course no one fits neatly into any one category.

If you read through these descriptions then you’ll find that a fair few could be said to describe you reasonably well, the idea being that only with one do you have that “omg literally me!” reaction. It doesn’t help that they describe each type in a very romantic fashion, every type is unique and only a small percentage of the population and so on. It’s a little nauseating to be honest, and in fact these cloying descriptions given for each type are part of the reason that I have had this gut reaction of distrust for this site and the other MBTI online tests I’ve taken in the past. Another reason is that they often give examples of people who you know never took the test (because some of them are hundreds of years old or fictional) for each type, Tolkien and Frodo Baggins are both given as examples of INFPs for example.

Now I have this understanding that the types function more as modern archetypes than some scientific categorisation (in fact I believe the people who originally developed the MBTI model were influenced by Carl Jung) however, I understand how they were able to decide upon these examples. Indeed the method for how they identified these old writers, politicians, historical figures and fictional characters is probably more effective than the tests we use to find out for ourselves which of the 16 types we might be most like. People aren’t stupid, but these tests tend to be, I say just let people self identify. I’m not sure what the value in the tests actually is, they seem kind of silly in fact as I think I demonstrated fairly well last Christmas. Now to try and tie the two disparate threads of this post together, I’m going to talk about a line from the INFP description page from the 16personalities site.

Comprising just 4% of the population, the risk of feeling misunderstood is unfortunately high for the Mediator personality type – but when they find like-minded people to spend their time with, the harmony they feel will be a fountain of joy and inspiration.

It seems to be referring to the exact phenomenon I was talking about before, which is rather interesting. Yet that one term “like-minded”, doesn’t seem to fit. Because as I explained most of the people who I’ve been able to have this connection with were not like me. Or maybe they were, maybe they were also of a similar if not the same personality type. Which is something different from character, Character and Personality are two very different things. To explain, Character is like a raiment, it’s clothing. Character is entirely individual and you wouldn’t be able to categorise types of character like I believe you can with personality. It is your foibles and the baggage you pick up over the years, the wounds and the victories, it’s the art you find most important, your aesthetic sense. It is the outermost aspect of who you are, what people first encounter.

Personality is different, I believe that if you could go back in time one hundred years, or even one thousand, you would still find that when you scratched away the historical and individual baggage you would find people who are entirely recognisable. You won’t find anyone who loves Marvel movies or Steven King novels in the 1400s, but you will find these same archetypes. And while I’m not sure if 16 is the perfect number, perhaps you could break it down into 40 personality types, or maybe 16 is too much, I think it might just be serviceable. And I guess below the personality maybe there’s a soul, if you believe in the idea I’m not sure if I do or not. That’s a whole separate subject for a whole different post (or several), so for now I will avoid the issue.

So the question is, if you wipe away the superficial character stuff and try and see where these people I’ve known would fall on the MBTI (which isn’t perfect as I will repeat, but seems better than any alternative I’ve seen thus far), would they INFP like myself? Or at the very least, does the INFP description fit them even a little even if another fits them even more accurately? Well it’s hard to say, because most of them I didn’t get to know very well. Indeed one of the things that frustrates me quite a lot is that I feel like I’m being kept apart from new oneitis. I spoke about that a little in the last post, and it’s true. Even though she’s the only person so far at this job (male or female) who I felt rather comfortable in the presence of almost immediately after being introduced.

I actually remember the very first time I saw her, I put my hand out to shake hers with no nervousness at all. Everyone else at this job I had an awkward first greeting with, other than her. I remember shaking her hand and her smiling and being completely taken aback by how easy it was, when I had been dreading the interaction all morning. After all as I said, first greetings for me almost always go rather awkwardly even with other people mentioned in this grouping I’m talking about today. I know it sounds like I’m totally pedestalising this girl, and I’m not saying she’s this perfect goddess or anything if that’s the impression you’re getting. She’s just a normal person, actually most of her interests don’t really interest me and she’s far from a “dream partner” or whatever.

All I’m trying to express with this post, regarding her anyway as I’m also talking about other things, is that while she may be just a normal person I’m not. Yet I feel normal when talking to her. That’s really it, I just don’t feel like an awkward fucking freak around her and it’s refreshing. Even around the other girls who I’ve referred to as oneitis I didn’t have that, I didn’t really enjoy being in their company. As I’ve talked about in some depth, I think I was just lonely and therefore I unconsciously would have turned anyone into a “oneitis” type figure who I met and fit the very basic criteria, which just so happened to be those other girls I started working with. Of course there’s very likely still an element of that at play here as well, but I do genuinely like this one as a person.

There’s this one anecdote with her in fact that I didn’t end up mentioning last week for some reason but is one that I can’t help but keep returning to in my mind. When we finish a shift where I work we have to write down how much money we made, and we bring up a report on the till screen to show this. Now it shows two figures, the number of customers that we met that day and the amount of money we made. Almost every time I’m switching over with someone it comes up as part of the usual smalltalk conversation, and while everyone else always unthinkingly mentions the amount of money made when I ask how things went, when she first started she would always mention the amount of people.

It’s just interesting because I did the same thing, whenever someone would ask how busy it had been or how well I’d done that day I would assume they meant how many people had been in the shop and answer in that fashion. After a time I noticed that everyone else answered with the figure made, and so eventually I just started thinking in that way, and she seems to have done so as well. In fact we joked about it a few months ago, though if she were to ever see this and realise how much thought I’ve given to it I’m sure she’d think I’m a total weirdo. And does it mean anything? I don’t know, honestly. It feels significant to me, like it shows a certain innocence or naivety which would be characteristic of a dreamer/ mediator type I think is fair to say, but maybe there’s no significance. I do tend to read significance into almost everything, especially silly little things like this, which I suppose is itself also fitting for this personality type.

I don’t know, and I’m not really sure I have anything else to say about this. I think for a post that I started writing with no plan whatsoever this has turned out rather well as it is, and so here is a good place to stop. I feel like maybe there’s more I could say, a few things I could have elaborated on, but I’m tired and I want this post to actually be out on Christmas and I won’t be able to write at all tomorrow until late at night because I’ll be spending the day with my dad. Maybe I’ll elaborate more on some of this stuff when I do a second Addenda post later next year, or maybe I’ll even leave it until next Christmas and talking about personality will become a kind of odd yearly tradition. Only time will tell, I don’t really have a plan. I hope you’re having a lovely Christmas, wherever you may be, and to see you in the next post.

And on and on it goes

I’m feeling awful today, the worst I’ve felt in a long while. I know I’ve been trying to make these whiny vent posts less in recent months, but I don’t really have anyone to talk to about my feelings and I’m having a really hard time right now. In the past when I’ve been struggling, I’ve written about it on here and it has helped me a lot. That’s how I started this blog after all, and the reality really does seem to be that as long as I’m writing this blog I’ll be including posts like this. The specific situation that I’m in is in fact very similar to all the others, I’m going to sound like a broken record but I just don’t know what else to do. I’m just not sure what I can do, in fact the current feeling is only a microcosmic taste of an inevitable future situation that will probably be close to unbearable. I’m just going to say it, however pathetic it might make me seem, because to do otherwise would be dishonest. Emotionally dishonest, to myself and to those of you who regularly read my stuff/ have been here for a long time.

I mentioned very early on after I started this blog that some new people had begun working at the same place as me, to replace my oneitis who had left and whose felt absence (along with some other coinciding circumstances) inspired that initial spate of posts that kicked this whole project I’m engaged in right now off. I also mentioned that despite my recent experiences of being burned by unrequited romantic interest, I very quickly began to start picturing one of these new people as someone who I could develop similar feelings for. Of course she had a boyfriend, they always do, and this in a way prevented such feelings from developing which at the time I saw as a positive thing. I didn’t really want to relive the experience I’d just gone through again when the inevitable ending to the period where our lives cross comes to it’s end.

In the following months after starting this blog I spent a lot of time reflecting (an activity which I have always overindulged in), and I talked about how there was no real basis for these feelings I described as oneitis back then. I wrote about how in my specific case Ireally knew nothing about this girl, and also I talked about the phenomenon of oneitis in a more general sense. I was really overly critical perhaps, because on reflection I was a little disappointed by how I had been lowered by these feelings. I had to explain why they weren’t real, why they were stupid and revealed my weakness in order to perhaps prevent myself from going through that again. The problem is, and this is something I’ve grown to realise over the last year actually, you can’t intellectually explain away a feeling.

For entirely different purposes I recently made an analogy regarding bears, I think in the last post I uploaded. The idea being that you can tell someone a hundred times that the best way to scare a grizzly bear is to confront it and hold your arms out to appear as large as possible, but most people will just revert to instinct and run even if they know that information about holding their arms out. It’s possible of course that the fact about bears I’m mentioning is wrong, it’s just trivia that you often hear repeated and may be untrue, but the point still stands regardless. Well that’s sort of the situation I’m in now. I’ve tried to be as rational as possible, and I’ve managed to hold these feelings off for a good year but in recent weeks I’ve just been unable to do it anymore.

It’s the same girl I’m talking about, the one who started when I began writing here. She still has a boyfriend, in fact last night (though I doubt I’ll finish this entire post this evening) I saw him in person for the first time, so he’s no longer just a hypothetical figure but an undeniably real individual. There’s really no happy ending here, at least with the last girl I could fantasise about us ending up together but I can’t even picture that in this case. I don’t see it happening, and there are several other reasons why nothing ever would as well other than the fact that I don’t think I have the charm/ ability to “steal someone’s girl” or the poor morals required to attempt it. She’s 27 years old (which surprised me to find out, I assumed she was at most a year or two older than me, a 22 year old), and she doesn’t just have a boyfriend but has been with him for what seems like almost a decade at least according to her facebook page.

He has a car, he drives her to work sometimes, and they go on trips outside of the city like a real adult couple. They moved to this country together, from eastern europe, and so are probably reliant on one another to afford to keep living here. They seem to be close with one another’s family members, again from snooping around on her facebook page I saw lots of comments from the bfs mother. They’re old enough that it wouldn’t be unusual to get married, to have children. It’s like a completely different world she inhabits, and yet I feel so comfortable around her and happy. It’s not like that other girl in fact, because I do speak to this one a lot. I have no trouble making her laugh, and there’s something to the way she really seems to pay attention to everything I say that just makes me feel like I actually exist and it’s so rare for me that I’m now falling into a depression just because I won’t see her for a month.

It’s really hard to explain it, but somehow despite English being her second language and me being rather soft spoken and talking awkwardly she always understands what I’m saying. It’s something that many of the people I interact with who were born here and only speak English don’t even manage, and it has certainly contributed to the feelings of alienation and detachment I’ve had both growing up and as an adult. Often people don’t hear me, or don’t seem to quite understand what I’m saying, and they’ll just awkwardly try and change subject or they’ll respond to something they think I said in a very generic way that could cover multiple things. She hasn’t ever done that, as far as I can remember.

Once in fact, I said something and she didn’t hear me properly but I assumed she didn’t hear me at all because she was counting up the money in the till (the vast majority of our interactions take place when one of us is starting and the other finishing), and so feeling ever so slightly dejected I decided to just pretend I didn’t say anything. This is something that happens a lot, as well as being misunderstood often people just don’t hear me and while I know it’s not the case it really feels sometimes like I’m just being ignored. However after a few moments she turned around to face me, and with a very warm look asked me to say that again because she hadn’t heard properly. It’s probably really creepy that I remember that so well, if I ever mentioned it to her I bet she’d be creeped out and probably wouldn’t even remember the moment, but I can’t help but keep replaying it and some others in my head.

She’s working right now as I write this, even though we were both out together for a Christmas celebration until 3am last night (or this morning I suppose), and I’m just trying so hard to resist the urge to go and see her. I can’t do that though, it would reveal everything and she’d be freaked out and I’d probably lose my job or she’d quit or I don’t even know what. There’s a football match on, and so she’s there with one of the other guys I work with. Usually the shop just has one person, but on football game days and sometimes on mid-week afternoons there are two of us who have to work together. She really seems to have a kind of problem with him, he’s new and I remember as soon as he started she would ask me if I thought he was strange or weird. Then a little after that I remember my manager came to tell him off for something while I was switching over with him, and while I wasn’t allowed to listen I heard her tell him that he said something that was inappropriate.

Last night she was complaining about how she would have to be working alongside him today, and my manager made a joke about how she “sorted things out now”. One of the last things I spoke about with the girl from Italy who I’ve mentioned a few times was this situation funnily enough, and she said it seems like he probably asked her out. So it’s not like my fear is unwarranted, and I don’t want to ruin things because honestly as absolutely pathetic as it sounds those fifteen minutes or so where we switch over a couple times a week are the thing I look forward to in life more than anything else right now. I don’t understand why I can’t be there right now instead, I’ve never done the football shift before because they all think I’m incompetent (admittedly I don’t do much to change their minds, generally I do prefer being kept to the easier/ less busy shifts) but I easily could. My manager asked yesterday if I would like to start actually, so perhaps I will.

I don’t know if I’ll be doing it with this girl though, we’ve been doing the two person shifts mid-week for a good few months now and I’ve still not been placed with her. I’ve done it with almost everyone else, and yet not the one who I clearly am the most comfortable around and get along with best, and who I’ve had the least opportunity to get to know better. In fact I used to see her more often, when she first started I would see her usually two or three times a week and nowadays it’s often just once a week or even not at all. Last week and this week we were not going to see one another, and I got a little upset when I found out honestly, but then that evening after finding out she was there and told me about the Christmas get together that was planned that took place last night.

I also did end up seeing her another day, because someone was ill and I had to work extra. Which is why I took quite a while to update that Pre-Socratics post I’ve been slowly adding to. I started to wonder if she was asking to be placed at a different time than me, because maybe I made her uncomfortable. Then again, she openly complained about the new guy and still was made to work with him. Perhaps my manager is just keeping us apart because she can tell I have developed some kind of unhealthy attachment. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I know that it feels like I’m being kept apart from her. Which she doesn’t seem to want, I mean as I said she’s always really friendly and warm with me, she’s emotive and very responsive and she laughs all the time when we talk.

I’m not saying this is because my feelings are reciprocated, I doubt they are. She just seems to be this way generally, that’s the kind of person she is, I wonder if she knows how much just being around someone like that can make someone’s day. I think it’s more likely if anything that she sees me as a younger brother figure. Not to imply there’s anywhere near the level of intimacy between us as there is between siblings, but in the sense that she sees me as a shy/ awkward boy but for whatever reason a likeable one and she just wants to be nice. Yesterday after we had been drinking at the pub for a while, four of us went to a nightclub which is not an environment I am familiar with at all and while the three of the people I was with danced I mostly sat down sipping my drink.

Eventually though I did have enough alcohol that I somehow found the confidence to stand up and shuffle around from left to right in the same general vicinity as them, but I was still very self conscious even after that (and I had quite a lot to drink, although not that much because I didn’t have any memory loss). So she grabbed my hands and stood right in front of me face to face and I danced with her like that for a while, if you can really call what I was doing dancing. She shared my glass of water too, it might seem weird to focus on that but it says something. I mean if she really thought I was weird or disgusting or whatever it is that I’m afraid of, she would never even consider that. She used a straw, but I think that was more because she was worried I’d have an issue with her drinking straight from my glass.

I wish I could just enjoy having someone so lovely in my life like her, though only really for a short interaction a few times a weeks at best, without developing feelings but it seems that I just can’t. I thought I finally had become better than this, the last post I wrote on the topic of oneitis was meant to represent that kind of mental development, but clearly I was wrong. The bear has arrived, and my instinct is to run. I thought that I would just be happy to see her from time to time, but then more recently as we’ve been seeing one another less and less I’ve found myself becoming rather upset. There were a few weeks where I only saw her once, and the rest of the week just felt like one long wait until the next 15 minute chat I’d have with her the week following. It is completely demoralising, I feel like such a loser but I don’t really know what else I can do.

I’m not going to see her this week, unless there’s another emergency and I have to work extra again, and then she’s going away to visit her family for Christmas and spend the New Year with her boyfriend somewhere. I honestly feel a little like a drug addict who is being forced to go cold turkey, it doesn’t help that I’m probably suffering from depleted serotonin levels thanks to the alcohol last night. I also got very little sleep, I couldn’t fall asleep for a good hour or longer and then I kept dreaming about alternate ways the evening could have ended. Most importantly I dreamt that I gave her a hug before saying goodbye, I wanted to and she seemed to want to as well but in the end I just shook her hand to say goodbye. All the other girls there hugged me, and they all hugged one another, they always do, but again because I’m so awkward and nervous I never initiate and so it’s more like I’m just letting them hug me rather than really doing anything myself.

So I dreamt that I did give her a hug, and that I thanked her for being so encouraging and sweet, and because I kept waking up and falling back to sleep I kind of lost track of what was reality and what was the dream. Then I had another dream where I texted her that I would cover her shift if she was too ill to work today (she had seemed almost about to throw up just before we said goodbye), and then I woke up and considered actually making that offer. Then I fell asleep again, and dreamt that I just went in to work and just hung out there all afternoon chatting. It’s a weird phenomenon, having multiple dreams that seem to follow directly on from an evening you just had. I’ve only experienced it once before, and yes it was also after a night out with my co-workers and because I was sad about someone leaving. Although a while before I started this blog, so I don’t think I ever wrote about it.

It seemed like I was in this weird half asleep half awake state for ages, but in reality I got home at around half past three and woke up earlier than I usually do at about ten. In fact the last dream I had scared me because I dreamed that I had slept until 5 in the afternoon and that my sleep schedule would be completely fucked up leading back to more insomnia like I had during the summer, but then I woke up and saw it was ten and decided to get up then and there. So I’m very tired today, I’ve had maybe five hours of sleep. I would have gone for a walk around the park to clear my head but instead I’ve just done nothing at all for hours but lurk on r9k and try to distract myself from this crushing emptiness that has been building inside of me since the dreams started. And now I’m writing, but I really don’t feel much better this time.

I don’t think there’s any way this doesn’t end up with me feeling infinitely worse than I do right now, and I’m really struggling to hold it together as it is, when the inevitable ending comes and I lose her completely. Not that I have her, but you know what I mean. In the title to my post a few months back about the girl from Italy, I referenced the novel The Sorrows of Young Werther by Goethe, but really it seems that this situation I’m in right now might deserve that title far more. I haven’t actually read the book, but I’ve read a fair amount about it and right now this one quote from Goethe about how many young men will have a time in their life where they feel the book was written especially for them is inclining me towards perhaps finding a copy myself to help cope with these current feelings.

Another thing I talked about a few months ago was online dating, and how I was perhaps reconsidering my position on it, but right now the idea turns my stomach. I can’t bear to even imagine myself with anyone else. Although I’m not sure I can really imagine myself with this girl either, I can’t actually picture it in my mind. Even though I get along with her really well, and she might be one of the only women I’ve ever met who I can relax and dare I say bee myself around, I can’t actually create the mental image in my head of us in a romantic relationship. Maybe it’s because of the boyfriend? I never had this trouble with my other oneitises, even though I would say they were neither as pretty nor as easy to talk to and be comfortable around.

I’ve had a photo of her opened on one tab on my laptop all day, and every once in a while I’ve been going back to stare at it for a few moments. I don’t know why I’m like this, I feel like I’m slowly falling deeper and deeper into despair and I don’t know how I can escape it. I’m not even sure I can, maybe this is just my personality type. I’ve always become unhealthily attached to people, I would weep for hours as a little boy when my dad would have to go home. I saw him only on weekends for many years, before he started living with me again in my teens. I had a friend growing up who lived on a farm in the countryside and we only saw one another a couple times a year, and I would cry every time we had to say goodbye to him as well. Nowadays of course I cry very rarely, I can’t actually recall the last time I cried, but I’ve been pretty close today I have to admit.

I’m so weak, it’s just the worst. I’ve written nearly three and a half thousand words and I hardly feel any better at all. I’ve experienced feelings of despair, and emptiness and so on to some degree for over a decade now but I’ve never really had suicidal thoughts. I’m honestly staring to actually get them now for the first time, because it’s really sinking in that I might just have to live like this for the rest of my life. Since my very early teens I’ve been living with this feeling that I’m waiting for something, this kind of eternal anticipation for something that I can’t quite describe that’s always just a few months away. It’s been so long, and I just cannot do it any more.

I can’t go on anymore, I really can’t live like this for much longer. I’m not saying I’m making plans to kill myself any time soon, some of you might miss me, but I’m not willing to live like this past my 30s. I’m not even sure I can go that long, if I’m 27 (the same age as new oneitis is about to be, and let’s just be honest here that’s what she is now) and I’m still alone and gradually developing more and more intense and one sided relationships with girls I barely know I’m going to have to seriously consider getting off this ride. It’s just not worth the effort, I’m not willing to just suffer in quiet desperation until I’m too old and bitter to opt out on my own terms. Just thinking about being 27 reminds me that at that age it’s highly likely I’ll no longer be in contact with new oneitis anymore, fuck, it actually physically hurts to think about that.

I think if she ever does leave I won’t be able to stop myself from telling her how I feel, if I still feel as intensely about her as I realised I do today. The evening last night, and the depleted serotonin, and the lack of sleep, are almost certainly affecting me quite a bit, however it’s not like the feelings aren’t real. I do feel this way, and a lot of what I’ve spoken about has been building up for a long time. I just feel so fucking alone, even if miraculously she did feel even slightly similarly she still has a boyfriend who she knows loves her to distract her. Though of course having feelings for someone when you’re in a relationship is it’s own weird and complex feel to deal with. I don’t think she does feel similarly though.

I mean it’s possible she’s attracted to me in a very superficial way, although I believe that women generally do not find themselves attracted to guys who are younger than themselves. Five years younger particularly is a big enough gap to be unusual, but not old enough for there to be a fetishism like some much older (as in middle aged) women have for younger men. Still, I often will catch her watching me or staring at me when I turn around to look at her and she’ll smile or laugh. Almost every time I started talking to someone else last night I would notice she was watching me, focusing, and never the other person. And there’s often a slight delay where we’ll hold eye contact a little longer than is normal I think, though I’ve always had trouble making eye contact with people so I’m not sure exactly what normal is. Maybe there’s really nothing there, and I’m just imagining things. I certainly want there to be something there, I know that makes me a bad person but it’s the truth.

I’m also completely timid and weak, outside of my actual appearance there is nothing about me which is appealing to women. Yet she’s just so nice, when talking with her it can’t help but feel like there’s something even though once out of that bubble and looking back in hindsight I realise that’s just how she is with people.. I think. I feel real, like that line in Joker where he tells his therapist that he often doesn’t even feel like he even exists, I get that as well often. Yet when I’m around her I feel completely real, her very presence is life affirming for me in a way. I actually quite vividly recall an exchange with her where I first felt this, it was just a normal smalltalk style conversation like we usually have but something about the way she responded to what I said and truly engaged with me rather than simply “going through the motions” like people tend to do just led to this moment of clarity. Stood there kind of taken aback for a very brief second, realising that I really do exist and share this world with many other people.

I’m not sure if I have anything else to say, I just want to keep on writing until I feel better but nothing is working and I’m just repeating myself. This writing as a cope thing might not be working anymore, maybe the excessive self examination has exhausted all excuses I have and now I’m faced only with the harsh and bitter reality that I really am doomed to repeat this same horrible experience over and over until I find the courage to put a stop to it. I’ve been reading a lot about the writer Fernando Pessoa (from Portugal) recently, there have been quite a few threads about him on /lit/ in recent weeks. I’d like to share a few quotes from those threads and other places online that I’ve been reading about him.

“Pessoa held a lifelong job as bookkeeper and translator of foreign correspondence in Lisbon, a city he rarely left, and lived an extremely solitary life, never marrying. Josipovici describes him as a man who dressed “with the utmost correctness; a man of few gestures in a peninsula of gesticulators; smoking up to eighty cigarettes a day”

“Despite his apparently ascetic and asexual nature, Pessoa was recalled by friends and neighbours as a deeply lonely man, his outlook on intimacy oscillating wildly between complete rejection of love in favour of intellectual pursuits, to obsessive – and rather worrying – devotion to women who are unlikely to have been aware of his feelings towards them. One theory claims that some of Pessoa’s earliest heteronyms were invented to allow him to write lengthy erotic letters – discovered several decades after his death – to various young women living in Lisbon, without the risk of these letters being associated with him.”

“As far as is known, he died a virgin; he did take up with one Ophelia Queiroz when he was 31 and she 19 — she also wrote to some of the heteronyms. After six months Pessoa broke it off, saying that he was not like other humans, followed a different Law.”

“Although his relationship with Ofélia [Queiroz] was a brief and largely one-sided one, her affect on the aspiring poet was remarkable. Ofélia’s younger sister Leonor was tasked with keeping a watchful eye on the narrow Lisbon street on which the girls lived with their parents. Should Fernando appear, pretending to be passing that way on a work errand (unlikely given that he worked only part-time) the younger girl was to rush inside and warn Ofélia that “her admirer” was approaching. Fernando was known to do his utmost to arrange a meeting between himself and the object of his affection, sometimes feigning a sudden cramp or twisted ankle outside her home on the Rue Adelas, and, as his literary endeavors became more expansive, turning up unannounced in the guide of one of his many fictional personae. Needless to say, Mr. Queiroz was himself not pleased at all by “the childlike leper” who returned repeatedly to inquire about his eldest daughter. Once, in a fit of rage, the old man was said to have poured the contents of a bedpan from an upstairs window, drenching Pessoa who reacted with customary oversensitivity, collapsing to the ground and pretending to suffer a full-body seizure.”

“Deeply troubled with the idea that his youth had now officially passed, Fernando spent his thirty-first birthday walking the streets of Lisbon alone long into the evening. Overlooking the waters of the Tagus, unusually disturbed for the time of year due to the powerful storm approaching Lisbon from the South-West, Pessoa could just make out the Belém Tower, a medieval fortress constructed on a tiny island which was at that moment being bombarded by the surging waves. The tower appeared to be the sole stationary object in the landscape ahead, bearing the thrashing waves with a kind of poignant dignity; separated from the rest of Lisbon and its miles of warm and well-lit homes which stood in stark contrast to this lonesome tower which held his gaze. At that moment, he claimed, the tension which had defined his life since his teenage years suddenly lifted – and though the melancholy which accompanied it did not itself dissipate, the aspiring poet gained in that image of the besieged tower a representation of his own life and the future he would succumb to. Haunted by loneliness, scarred by regret, condemned by a sense of despair he would never quite overcome, Pessoa nevertheless returned to that image of the solitary tower whenever his sense of isolation and futility grew especially acute. In one of his final letters he writes that although he had not succeeded in attaining marriage, children or any degree of social success, he nevertheless counted among his few victories the fulfilment of his duty to “remain loyal to the little Fernando I once was, that child who spent so many days sitting silently at the window content with watching the rain which fell, so it seemed, across the entire world.”

Is this the kind of man I will one day become, so haunted by my experiences of loneliness and longing that I become incapable of love or having a healthy relationship. At least Pessoa was a highly intelligent and well read individual who eventually won great recognition for his literary endeavours. I’m just going to fade away with nothing to show for my misery, look at this very post you’re reading right now. My prose is awful, this is a mess, the only thing I believe might be worth appreciating is my emotional honesty. I wish I was clever, and more insightful, so I could fashion something from my pain that might help myself and others more easily understand or even just cope with this miserable life. Instead the opposite is true, I fall into a depression like this and I stop all productivity. I stop reading, my post about Parmenides will probably be delayed now. I knew this would happen, I hate myself.

I suppose I just managed to write five thousand words in an evening despite being very tired and rather distressed (slightly less because the quotes bump up the wordcount), but it’s a complete and total mess. Could I write something that would actually be presentable to the real world, will I be able to leave any kind of legacy to make up for all this hurt. I don’t know, I don’t want to fall into such a cope although I’ll admit this is the first idea I’ve had all day that’s making me feel slightly hopeful. I don’t think I have anything else to say though, I’ll just upload this now I think. Once again I am surprised, but it seems I did manage to finish this all in one evening. I think it’s better this way though, by tomorrow I’ll be better rested and while I don’t expect I’ll feel much better I won’t be able to capture the state of mind I’ve been in today. I’m not sure how things will turn out, but I’m pretty certain it’s going to be horrible whatever happens. Thanks for reading.

The sun will rise again

On /mu/ every year they have this thing, you could call it a challenge or a celebration or both or neither, /nothing but black metal november/. It might actually go beyond /mu/ and 4chan, I don’t really know or care. All I know is that it’s a big thing on /mu/, they have a general thread which rolls on for the entire month. The premise is simple, you simply listen to nothing other than black metal and affiliated styles of music (so blackgaze, certain dungeon synth records, whatever Black Magic SS are, etc. are also acceptable) for a month. So this year I decided to take part, and I listened to a lot of stuff. I listened to many classic albums that I already really enjoy or think are great, but I also heard 36 albums for the first time, both classics and some more obscure recommendations I got from the threads that were up. I’ll upload a pic of the full chart listing everything I tried for the first time at the end of this post.

I had an idea that I might make a post about it before I started, and then sometime after starting mid way through the month I began to form a very different idea about the kind of post I would make, and now that has changed again. At first I thought, I’ll probably just talk about the albums I liked most, the ones I disliked most, and that will be it. Something a bit like my series on The Cure, just talking about the music. Then as it went on and I started to feel some effect from listening to this kind of music exclusively for so long my idea changed entirely. In fact I was seriously considering including the post I intended to write about this month in my Alternate states series. See I’ve had this idea for a post where I compare music to a drug for a while, and this last month has really solidified my position in this regard.

Music is art, sure, but it does also function like a drug in many fascinating ways. It changes your perception, it can have a serious impact on your mood, and yes there are people who develop a kind of addiction to it. I think that there are some people who would find it very difficult to give it up, people who are reliant on it to get through life. There’s no physical dependency like with cigarettes or opium, and as far as I understand it’s not going to have a negative impact on your health to listen to music every day, but there is some emotional or psychological dependency/ reliance that people have with it. It may be harmful as well, modern popular music that we can listen to for hours every day is a relatively new phenomenon.

Even as recent as 100 or 150 years ago and certainly throughout most of human history, music was more of a rare treat. Especially if you weren’t from a wealthy background or knew no one who could play an instrument. Music is generally split into three categories, Popular music, Classical and Folk. There are a number of different ways to distinguish between the three, regarding structure and content and so on. But these categories are somewhat porous, and so while you could for example describe classical music as being distinguished by the fact that it requires much more engagement to be enjoyed, there are people who will argue that there are examples of popular music which have a level of complexity matching some classical pieces.

I’m not qualified to really give an opinion on that specific debate, or many others like it regarding the nature of this categorisation. I am able to enjoy some classical music without having any understanding of notation or music theory, although I’m sure if I did my appreciation would be far deeper, and I don’t doubt that there is popular music that is very complex just like a lot of classical is. The distinction I like between these three categories though, is this. Folk music is spread by memory, classical in written form, and popular by recording. Popular isn’t just a synonym for “pop music”, any modern music from an obscure project on bandcamp to an internationally famous rock band fits the description.

Why am I mentioning this trivia though? Because it’s noteworthy that popular music is only as old as modern recording equipment, in the grand scheme of things it’s very new. Yet it has a huge effect on our lives, it plays a major role. It is the soundtrack to modern life, when before there wasn’t one really. Music went from something special, to something normal. One day we the world changed because we were granted the ability listen to music, and there was exponentially more of it than there ever had been before, all day long if you were at home. Then more recently we’ve gained the ability to take it wherever we walk as well, thanks to the invention of portable music players and headphones.

Using headphones can certainly have a negative impact on you, since my brief run in with tinnitus I’ve been leaving the volume lower but I still use them a lot and I should do it less. See I go to this park near where I live now every day I’m not working, just for a walk. I usual go for about an hour and a half or two, and every time I use my headphones while there. In fact, I use those earphones which go inside your ear which are even more potentially damaging. It’s not hard to find news articles warning about the dangers of in ear headphones, how they can lead to deafness and other issues related to ear drum damage. Yet I continue to use them, because the experience is worth it I suppose. Although I should really look into getting some over ear ones at least to minimise any damage.

Before the Walkman was introduced in 1979, the idea that you could have this musical bubble with you wherever you walk was unheard of. An experience like the one in that post I just linked above would have been impossible. Yet now it’s normal, when I’m on the train I take to get between the different places I work at it’s not uncommon for half or more of the passengers to have some kind of headphones on. It’s funny I mentioned opium a second ago because there’s another use for it as a metaphor here. Opium in it’s unrefined form can be analogous to music more generally speaking, and modern equipment has refined it in the same way that modern techniques have allowed the refinement of opium to create drugs far stronger such as heroin and fentanyl.

In fact thinking about this was what led to an older plan I had for an entry in that Altered states series where I would give up listening to music entirely for a month (as much as possible, of course you hear it just walking down a city street) and in doing so explore whether it affected me and also talk about this idea I have of music as a drug. I’m also curious how much more I’d appreciate the songs and albums I love after the month was over. There are a lot of interesting parallels after all, I think it’s something worth talking about. See I made the comparison with opium to make one point, but music itself doesn’t really affect you in the way an opiate does. I think alcohol is probably the most similar in how it affects you in fact, although there are crucial differences even there.

See I think alcohol appears to heighten whatever you’re already feeling when you drink it. My dad is an alcoholic, and although he drinks far less now than he used to (because I don’t allow him to continue to drink every night while he still lives here) he is always trying to sneakily find an opportunity to drink. So I have been observing the effects of alcohol on a person since I was very young, my whole life really. My mother would drink half a bottle of wine a night also, so I suppose she was technically somewhat dependant on it as well, but not at all to the same extent as my father. He used to drink six or seven bottles of beer every evening, and usually it would just make him act more silly and a little more aloof which was actually fun to be around as a kid.

When he would argue with my mother though, and he’d been drinking, well the arguments were far louder and scarier than the ones they had while sober. He never hit her, in fact neither of them ever hit me as a punishment which I think might be part of why I’m such a weak willed person as an adult, he pushed her over once but that’s the worst that happened. A lot of stuff got broken over the years, smashed pans and plates, holes in the wall, stuff like that. Incredibly mild stuff compared to what some kids grow up around, but it did lead me to think even as a young boy that it seems like alcohol seems to enhance whatever is going on already under the surface. Of course since then I’ve had alcohol many times, and I now understand that this is because alcohol lowers your inhibitions.

It doesn’t so much enhance emotion as just make it easier for you to express it, and so of course what is expressed appears more intense because most of us suppress our feelings while sober. In fact even while drunk you can still control yourself to some degree, less so the more you drink but always a little. People are lying if they say otherwise. What I’ve noticed though, is that music actually does function this way. Of course it depends on the music, but if you can find the appropriate music to go along with your current mood then it really does intensify the very feeling itself. The difference here then is that alcohol appears to intensify emotion externally, whereas music can actually do so internally.

In that respect music is actually unlike a drug, which tend to be classified according to the specific thing they enhance. Stimulants increase energy and motivation, depressants relax you and decrease inhibition, psychedelics rapidly increase brain activity and alter perception, and so on. Or alternatively it is in a class of it’s own, not that these classes are entirely meaningful anyway as there are several drugs which are placed in multiple categories and really an individual drug should just be taken as a unique thing. A little like the three classifications for music I just mentioned, they’re not entirely rigid. They exist for a reason though, it’s good to have some kind of categorisation. Music then, I guess we can call it an “amplifier” or something like that.

So as I’ve said this month I’ve been exposed exclusively to a specific kind of music, one which while fairly diverse in sound and ideas for a somewhat niche sub-genre (in the chart at the bottom you’ll notice I deliberately tried to give many different styles and ideas a go to keep things as interesting as I could) has a pretty uniform atmosphere. In fact that was one of the things I was going to talk about even from the first idea I had for what this post would be, the atmosphere or feeling is more core to black metal in my opinion than a particular kind of guitar playing or vocal style even though black metal does of course also have it’s hallmarks. If you have listened to more than a few records you’ll notice a pattern in the evil/ demonic vocal style, the fast paced guitars, the deliberately poor production quality, etc.

What defines black metal is this pagan spirit, of course in particular a very northern European spirit (think ancient forests, and harsh open snowscapes) what with black metal really having it’s roots in the Norwegian scene of the early 90s. Although there are some great bands from other parts of the world, in the chart at the bottom you’ll see some Greek bands, some from Eastern Europe, and even one from Arabia. What I love so much about black metal is that a lot of it really feels ancient, of course they’re using modern instruments and recording techniques but somehow they just capture the sound of old and once powerful gods who have now withered away. As blackened and burned as their idols. The anger present behind a lot of black metal doesn’t feel like the impotent human frustration behind most other angry music (whether it be death metal or hardcore punk music or even pretty accessible stuff like Nine Inch Nails), instead it feels like these bands are somehow channelling a deep ancestral rage.

Which is why there are so many neopagans and right wingers in black metal, there’s even a specific sub-sub-genre (not sure what to call it), called national socialist black metal which is straight up Nazi music. Black Magic SS, the band I mentioned at the start who musically are more like a psychedelic rock band who just use black metal vocals on some tracks, cover their albums with swastikas and sing about how epic and based Hitler was. Most of the members of the early second wave Norwegian scene which defined the genre had fascist sympathies. In fact spending time in the general this last month on /mu/ very much reminded me of my /pol/ days back in 2016, I imagine a lot of people in there found black metal through their new beliefs. Believe it or not that’s actually not my story, I first found myself listening to BM when I discovered the band Summoning in 2013 or maybe even late 2012.

They’re a Tolkien inspired band, they take lines of song and poetry from the man himself for a lot of their songs in fact. Really only their first album is like typical black metal, they have a very unique sound that they’ve since developed in the decades since that debut release with heavy use of synthesisers and different vocal styles but they’re still black metal because they never lost that atmosphere. It makes sense, Tolkien himself while a critic of the Nazis was still clearly a reactionary figure who’s entire literary career was essentially an ode to the old European epics. The Silmarillion (which I really do mean to read again some day) was meant to be like an English equivalent to The Kalevala.

As well as the anger, and spiritedness which that anger can sometimes bring out, there is a certain hopelessness and profound sorrow to a lot of black metal music. After all these gods are all dead, and their idols burned or lost. The majority of the members of the neopagan movement don’t even believe in the gods of their ancestors, not really. And while the neopagans and the black metal scene aren’t the same thing there is certainly a lot of crossover. Varg most famously being a major figure in both I suppose, but there are plenty of others. I think this sorrow is because they realise this ultimately, you can’t revive gods. That’s not how it works I’m afraid. These ancient religions have been destroyed, and subsumed by the catholic faith. I think in part why catholic countries are so much more devout than protestant ones as a rule, might be because Protestantism stripped away a lot of the pagan traditions and elements that had become part of Christianity.

There’s another of these sub-sub-genres called Depressive Suicidal Black Metal (yes, the name is unbelievably cringe I know) in fact which really focuses on this element in black metal and downplays the anger and other feelings. Most of these bands are not actually pagan at all, or Satanist, like many of the classic bands were though. They rather take that sadness that was always present to some degree in the music of those bands and make that the focus. The problem is that this in turn removes this ancient feeling that I’ve been speaking about and so most of the DSBM records I’ve listened to I didn’t really think that highly of. There are a couple that are worth checking out though, Death, Pierce Me by Silencer is a good one. Crazy rumours about that band as well, look it up. No, I generally don’t like most DSBM but it’s existance goes to show that there is a degree of hurt present in all black metal I think.

If you’re a regular visitor you’re probably noticing how similar some of this talk of gods and religion is to what I’ve been talking about in the current rolling entry I’m writing about the Pre-Socratic philosophers, and it’s no coincidence. Music, as I said, has the power to greatly intensify feeling and thought. It doesn’t come across I don’t think in the three sections in that post I’ve written so far (I know I said I’d have done four by now, it’s taking longer than I thought to write the next part and I’ve been having a hard week as I’m going to get to) but I have been thinking a lot about the subject matter I’ve been talking about in that post and it has really been affecting me. I’ve been taking these long walks in the park as I mentioned earlier and listening to this really intense and at times both aggressive or depressive music and all these ideas about religion and God and related subjects have just been bouncing around in my head faster than I can even really keep track.

I’ve been thinking about this stuff a lot actually. I’m not sure how much detail I want to go into now because I’m waiting for the weird state I was in towards the end of last month to have completely faded before talking about a lot of this stuff, and I might just save it for a conclusion section to that entry I’m still working on, but basically I’m really starting to take the idea of God more seriously. I’m not going to be calling myself a Christian any time soon, I have a bit of a history with Christianity (mostly Anglicanism, but also Catholicism to a lesser extent) in fact and perhaps I should write a post about that some time too. No, all I can say right now is that maybe I’m not an atheist any more.

It’s not like I’ve really changed much, but re-reading Xenophanes and Heraclitus multiple times and seeing a lot of parallels with the idea about God that I thought was rather unique that I talked about early on in my time on this blog has kind of shaken me a little bit to be honest. I’ve basically considered myself an atheist my entire life, and even when I wrote that post just linked I was kind of not taking it completely seriously. Revisiting it though, and again while listening to this music constantly which feels so ancient and detached from modernity, I’m kind of being convinced by myself. That and the Greeks that I’m reading of course. And by the way because I know that this subject comes up a lot in this context of neopagans and black metal, Christianity is a European religion and it owes as much of debt to Greek thought as it does to Jewish theology. I’m really seeing that influence first hand now in what I’m reading.

I want to take some time to get back to a normal state of mind though, and then I will come back to this subject with a clear head. In the meanwhile I will of course continue with that post, some of my thoughts on this sort of thing will come up when I finally get to work on that part talking about Heraclitus and then after that I presume there will be more ideas in a similar vein. I’ve got some other ideas for posts I plan to write in the next month or so as well. There’s a general election in this country coming up, I might talk about that I’m not sure. I don’t know, I might not have that much to say but I’m considering talking about it. The New Year is coming as well, and that always provides the opportunity for both reflection and to gaze into the future, as hazy as it may be.

I’m getting off track though, this isn’t meant to be an update post. It’s been an interesting month is what I’m trying to say, in fact it’s actually funny I was just mentioning the New Year because for my last New Year’s post I actually tried to evoke the imagery of Mordor from The Lord of the Rings and in a way you could also use that imagery to describe my experience this last November. Again music and mindset are very closely intertwined, and while only Summoning exclusively make Tolkien inspired music many black metal bands owe a great aesthetic debt to Tolkien and specifically the dark or evil elements of his world. Whether it be in lyrics, artwork, even some band names.

So most of my listening has taken place in this park I’ve talked about several times in recent months, I’ve been listening at home and at work of course, but the best time I’ve found to listen to a new album with no distraction is when I take these walks. And as I’ll try and help express to you with some photos I took, taking these walks really reminds one why it’s Nothing But Black Metal November, and not July or August. The sky has been grey and overcast for almost the entire month, and with the trees having mostly lost all their leaves and what little light gets through that dense cloud layer lasting less time each day it does create a really appropriate environment out there. Of course I think this park is still beautiful even in winter, I’m looking forward to seeing it in the snow, so it’s not quite comparable to the dark realm where only evil things dwell that Tolkien describe Mordor as.

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Nevertheless it does feel rather cold and barren in comparison to what it looked like during the late summer when I first starting regularly visiting this park. In fact in that first post I talked about this idea of the aesthetic experience, where music and visual environment and mood come together and even intensify one another to create a slightly overwhelming effect. This entire last month has been a bit like a drawn out version of that, although of course the feelings themselves have been very different. What’s the same is that these various stimuli came together to create what I would argue is an altered state of consciousness. Not a drastic one, this month even less so than that one afternoon I first visited that park, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t important or real.

It was very real, perhaps comparable to a microdose of certain psychedelic drugs or having a very tiny amount of alcohol. That is, the effect is a minimal one that doesn’t impede your normal functioning, not that the effect is like either of those drugs. It has been noticeable though, there’s been no light or easy music to escape to, I know it might seem silly but it did get to me a bit after a while. Again it wasn’t that I experienced a drastic change, but I would say that by the end of the month I was more generally misanthropic and bitter in my attitude to people around me than usual. I actually got into a bit of a confrontation with one of the customers at work. I don’t want to go into it really, but this guy sperged out because apparently I was rude or something (I don’t agree, although I wasn’t exactly beaming with joy the entire shift admittedly), and demanded I give him the boss’ phone number or e-mail so he could make a complaint about me. I told him to get out though, and that if he wanted to complain he’d have to do it without my help.

It was great when the month was over though, I have to admit. As much as I do really like a lot of black metal, I like a whole lot of other kinds of music too. The first thing I listened to was a new song that was released by MGMT, in fact it wasn’t even officially released but they performed it live and someone uploaded it to youtube. In The Afternoon is the name of the song, I’m very excited for a new album from the band if this is the kind of sound it’ll have. Speaking of a new album, I was finally able to listen to the new Have A Nice Life record last Monday, which released early in November annoyingly and so I had to wait. The first album from that band, Deathconsciousness, is one of the most important of all the albums I’ve heard in my life. It’s very special, I may have even talked about it before and I know I’ve used the art from the cover and a lyric from one of the songs in a previous blog title.

So I got to hear a lot of different opinions on the album before I got to give it a listen myself, and it seemed to me that they were mostly negative. People seemed quite disappointed, saying it didn’t live up to Deathconsciousness. They have had another album inbetween the new one (Sea of Worry) and that, but it’s pretty forgettable. It’s more of a compilation of songs which didn’t make the cut for Deathconsciousness and some ideas which really were fully developed on Dan Barrett’s other musical projects. Dan Barrett is one of the two members of HANL, and in fact one of his other projects is a depressive suicidal black metal one called Nahvalr. You’ll notice in the chart at the bottom that I tried it for the first time recently, even though I’ve been intending to for a really long time.

The album was really good though, no it wasn’t like Deathconsciousness but then the band members aren’t the same people they were back in 2008 when that album came out. Deathconsciousness is hopelessness and resentment in pure music form, but Sea of Worry is actually quite hopeful. It’s still gloomy as hell, but there’s this strong current running through the entire thing that is actually kind of life affirming. I’m going to need to listen to it quite a few more times before I can really form a proper opinion on it, but I will talk about my experience on the first listen to end this post. First though, I will need to quickly provide some context regarding the situation I was in when I first listened to it. Basically last Monday morning I woke up and decided that I should stop talking to the girl in this post from a couple of months ago.

I don’t really want to go into much detail, I was thinking about writing another whole long post about the situation but it’s really not that interesting. I basically just realised why we stopped talking the previous two times, and this time instead of continuing to try and talk when I didn’t really want to and waiting to be ghosted I decided to send her a long e-mail to explain my thoughts and suggesting we stop talking and say goodbye properly this time. So we did, and actually she was really sweet in her response even though I said a few things about her that were in hindsight rather mean. So the morning started when I wrote down a basic draft for that e-mail, and then as it was my day off work I went for my usual walk in the park and decided to finally play this new album.

Most of the time when going to the park I actually recreate the slightly awkward route to get there that I took in that initial visit, and that’s what I decided to do this time as well. So I played the first track and I was enjoying it, in terms of sound it’s quite similar to something from Deathconsciousness but there is this lightness present even here, it’s just subtle at first. I crossed the bridge and down the stairs, and I was following the road when I began to feel this warmth. I put my arm out, and saw sunlight, just as the second song began to play. This is really where the record comes into it’s own, and that subtle hopeful line running through the last song grows to take over this one as it continues to play. And I just remember thinking that it’s appropriate, for obvious reasons I was quite upset about the whole situation with this girl but actually I realised that I was doing the right thing.

I’m taking action, I’m ending things in a healthy way and I’m going to say some things I should have said years ago, I thought to myself. The entire walk as well, there was also this religious stuff I’ve been thinking about so much lately as it is constantly these days playing on my mind. I realised I’m still totally free to pursue these thoughts, in fact I started to feel like maybe I’m only at the beginning of what might a very interesting journey. There’s nothing to be upset about. I’m doing a really poor job of setting the scene here I’m sorry, it’s hard to do so for this situation. When I’ve talked about The Cure before, I’ve talked a lot about how their music has this undercurrent of sadness. Even on their more upbeat stuff, it’s just always there. This album was like the reverse of that, it’s still got a gloomy sound because the HANL sound is very gloomy, but this time there’s this undercurrent which (like when you’re travelling through a long and dark tunnel) reminds you that the sun will rise again.

And it did.

As soon as I walked into the park I was greeted by what you see in the header for this entry, it was like a totally different environment to the one I had gotten used to this last month. I walked around enjoying the sun, knowing that perhaps after that afternoon it might not come back for months. It doesn’t matter though, because it will come back. The music sort of mirrored my own state of mind at the time, because of course the situation was rather sad, but it was also hopeful. After all it’s always sad to say goodbye, and especially to do so on not entirely positive terms, but it was the right thing to do. It’s possible I will see her one day, we seem to have agreed that if I’m ever in the city she lives in, or if she is ever visiting the one I live in, we will contact one another to hang out. It might never happen, but it’s not that unlikely either.

The future isn’t entirely bleak right now, there are reasons for me to think that improvements might just be over the horizon. My dad seems to be seriously thinking about moving out by next summer, there’s still the psychedelic tests I plan to do, and I’m really starting to get into a good groove with this philosophy stuff. I’m really enjoying reading and thinking and sharing my thoughts about it. Maybe I just come across like an idiot when I do talk about it, but at least I’m genuinely starting to feel some enthusiasm again for the first time in years. The final track of the album is a sort of follow up to Earthmover, the incredible final track from Deathconsciousness, in both sound and scope. It starts off though, with a recording of this priest or pastor talking about the Christian doctrine of hell.

Slowly the guitar playing gets louder and louder, until eventually the man speaking is drowned out completely. But this is after a few minutes, and the speech is genuinely very interesting. He talks about how critics of religion and Christian belief in particular will often complain that any benevolent god would never condemn someone to hell for eternity. Something which I myself have always had a slight issue with, after all Christianity is about forgiveness supposedly. He starts to explain as he goes on, that in his opinion the entire question is flawed. That this secular wordlview which places man as the central figure is entirely wrong, and it’s only because of this worldview that such a complaint would even be made. This entire idea that we should start with man, and then build our conception of the world out from there is the problem, according to the man giving the speech.

Instead he believes of course, that we should start with God as the primary being. This secular worldview, that even most Christians tend to have, starts with man as the basic starting point of reality. I think he describes it as a worldview that priorities our needs, our desires and one other thing, and that this entire premise is the real problem in the world. Because even most religious people have this mindset which leads to atheistic thinking inevitably. I don’t know if I’m entirely convinced, certainly I don’t think the actual members of HANL are as I think they’re actually rather anti-religion hence them singing and playing over this speech to drown him out. Yet they included a good five minutes of it, so that implies to me there’s some doubt.

I have to say that I find it to be a fascinating little speech though, what little of it we get that is. I’m very interested in how people throughout history thought, and I definitely agree that people did think very differently. I think a lot of the basic premises about the world that modern people take for granted are a lot more flexible than they realise, and maybe a lot of the ideas about how people used to think are rather silly. For example, there’s this idea of the bicameral mind. Now maybe I should read more about it, but from what I’ve heard the idea seems silly to me. Regardless though, ideas like that do fascinate me. I’m so curious about the way ancient people thought, that’s one of the reasons I’m reading all this old philosophy. Who knows where it’ll lead though, hopefully somewhere. Maybe I actually will end up becoming a Christian, now that definitely wouldn’t be very black metal.

topsters2

Meditations on The First Philosophers

Despite the fact that no one is even reading it, and that it’s become more of a hindrance than a help when it comes to getting through the book, I feel obligated to finish what I started with this post. In a sense at least

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I’ve been really lazy lately and one result of this is that I read almost nothing for a couple months, but fairly recently I finally decided to pick up that Oxford World Classics book about the Pre-Socratics that I mentioned buying a copy of in the last philosophy/ reading related entry I uploaded. I’ve been having quite a lot of difficulty with this one though, I have to admit it. The issue is not actually that what’s being talked about is too complex for me, which is what I was expecting would be my first “wall” on this journey. No, instead the real issue is that there’s so little to really engage with in many cases. Some of the thinkers in this book have no surviving writings whatsoever, instead their sections in the book are comprised of simply an introduction to the thinker from the translator as in every section and some translated “testimonia” from various ancient doxographers or historians.

These testimonia are pretty similar in appearance to the fragments I’ve seen so far (I’ve only just finished the third section in the book, after the general introduction, on Heraclitus) in that they are relatively short quotes taken from longer works, some of which also no longer survive in full. A lot of the actual fragments are in fact also taken from these same works, in most cases I don’t believe they’re from literal papyrus fragments, but it is well established these other ancient writers were quoting directly. A few of the chosen testimonia are a little more substantial, but so far the longest of the surviving fragments has been no more than a few sentences cut off from any greater context.

Almost every single translated fragment or testimonia in this book is taken from a collection referred to as Dielz/ Kranz, which from what I understand is an anthology put together by two german professors in the early 1900s collecting every existing fragment of writing that survives from the thinkers generally referred to as the Pre-Socratics and any writings directly relating to what they believed or taught from other ancient authors. Dielz/ Kranz is pretty much the definitive collection and the numbering used in that collection is the academic standard, often rather than quoting a particular fragment or testimonia academic papers will simply cite it’s Dielz/ Kranz number. I imagine it’s assumed that any serious academics can both read ancient Greek (which is pretty close to modern day Greek believe it or not) and have a copy of this collection on hand.

This book I have doesn’t translate the entire Dielz/ Kranz though, only “all the most important fragments” and “the most informative testimonia” were included in this collection. Now I knew this before buying the book, but I chose to go with this rather than another book I found which translates every single fragment into English (but none of the testimonia I believe) because this one includes introductions and explanatory writing which I thought I might really need. There’s not a whole lot, in the introduction the translator even states that he had to resist the temptation to put a book together that is much longer but where his own writings prevent the reader from making their own mind up, but there’s enough to put together some kind of narrative.

Even with what little he does say there is still the risk that his interpretation is going to colour my first impressions of these fragments though, and given the fact that he only translated what he thought was necessary there is additional concern. It was only during this third chapter that a lot of these concerns really made themselves clear to me, because Heraclitus is a notoriously enigmatic writer. Apparently even in antiquity, when native speakers of ancient greek had access to his full body of work, he was known as “the obscure”. The translator says that in the case of Heraclitus he translated every fragment that was philosophical in nature, but honestly if I hadn’t been told that then I wouldn’t have interpreted some of the ones that were translated as philosophical comments, and I’ve read a couple online that weren’t included in this which to me seemed like they should have been.

Sure this translator (and scholar) has a much better understanding than me and so I am willing to defer to him, but I’m still a little concerned about relying on someone else to decide for me which fragments are and aren’t philosophically relevant and therefore perhaps getting a distorted view of what Heraclitus believed by not seeing some crucial statement or proclamation of his. Again, because he’s so notoriously divisive and his statements have been interpreted in all sorts of ways. In fact it’s not just what is chosen that might have an effect on my reading of him, even the order in which the fragments are presented might have influenced my initial thoughts. The translator admitted that he deliberately orders the fragments in this book so as to best help you understand each writer’s ideas, but again that really means what he believes are the writer’s ideas.

I think I was right about needing that extra scholarly advice though, without the introductory writing I would have had a far harder time getting anything at all out of these fragments. Indeed for Heraclitus even with the introduction from the translator, which did a great deal to try and put together some coherent set of ideas from these surviving fragments, I still had a lot of difficulty seeing anything in these disjointed sentences. There’s so little, a few pages of quotes really, I actually read through his section completely a second time trying to understand him better. I’ve also skimmed through that section a few more times since, trying to think about what to say in this post. Which hopefully has diminished any possible interpretive influence from the specific ordering given in this book, as I read it in reverse the second time and then just a few parts at random.

Ultimately though, all of these concerns pale in comparison to the real realisation I had while reading this same third chapter. That being the question of translation, and whether you can ever truly translate anything. It came up in this section because Heraclitus famously used the very language and structure of his writing to further reinforce his point, or perhaps according to other people to express a deeper or esoteric hidden meaning through his writing. A lot of this could be completely missed had I instead picked up that unannotated collection mentioned before, but even here I can only be told about it. Either in the introductory portion of the chapter, or in the endnotes at the back of the book which I have been checking.

By reading Heraclitus in any language other than what he wrote you’ll never actually experience the phonetic wordplay that he, and perhaps other thinkers in this book, considered a crucial part of their message. We don’t even know exactly what format the original works that these fragments are from looked like, it’s possible that Heraclitus only published a collection of aphorisms and shorter statements designed to be deliberately packed with as much meaning as possible or longer proto-essay like writings. Even the figurative tone of voice with which he “speaks” is something about which scholars have debated, he takes a deliberately authoritative one as if perhaps to encourage disagreement.

He definitely wrote in prose at least, unlike some of the thinkers in this book who preferred the verse form for communicating their message. I’m interested to see how those sections go actually because the way I see it the closer to the original you try to get when translating poetry, the further away you usually end up. I could elaborate on this, but I’ll save it for an upcoming post in my Books series rather than veering of topic here. Generally speaking though, I think that poetry in particular is basically impossible to translate because more value is placed on peculiarities of the specific language the poem is written in. However for a prose writer, Heraclitus still used a lot of wordplay and interesting writing techniques to further make his point.

In a way his work was still kind of poetic, like he hadn’t fully made the transition away from poetry. After all, poetry is older than prose believe it or not. I think that most people nowadays are surprised to learn this because the way we think is prose-like almost, we assume that matter of fact writing and verbal communication is the norm. In fact it seems to be the almost universal consensus that verse communication actually came first. Somewhere along the way we transition from this poetic mode of thinking to a prosaic one, and Heraclitus and many of the other thinkers in this book existed at a kind of inbetween stage.

For example he supposedly thought that words that sounded similar to one another had a sort of kinship, and that there was always some significance there. Now in reality it might be the case that the similarity in how two words sound is completely coincidental etymologically speaking, but that doesn’t matter because he did see significance there and that might tell us something about his thought. Maybe in his mind there was no such thing as coincidence, we really can’t say what his thoughts on language were because there doesn’t seem to be any surviving account of them. Far greater minds than mine, versed in the actual language in which he spoke and wrote, have tried their very best to gleam everything they can from what little remains from him.

In a way you could say the Pre-Socratics existed in a transitional state (and time) between the pre-scientific world of Mythos which in a way is represented by the verse form, and the new world of Logos which is represented by the more straightforward and analytic prose form. That’s the narrative that you might get from reading this book anyway, in fact it’s what the subject of the general introduction is about. In it I was first introduced to this idea of “Logos”, which is of course a word I’ve heard mention of many times but always held as this ancient idea which is probably really complex and mysterious and so stayed away from. The definition given in this introduction however doesn’t seem so intimidating after all. In fact it reminds me of some ideas which I myself have talked about before in previous posts on this very blog.

Logos is a word which doesn’t have a direct equivalent in English, but there are many words which derive from it that give us an idea of what it meant. Logic of course being the most similar I suppose, in how it sounds that is. As for the actual meaning, it’s really hard to say. In some uses it could simply mean “word” or “voice”, and in other contexts it’s used to mean “discourse/ discussion”. Heraclitus uses the word in a very particular way, to describe some kind of underlying principle or unifying truth which underlies the world around us. It’s also sometimes used to mean “reason”, as in to reason with someone or an explanation. In the original Koine Greek version of the New Testament, Jesus is sometimes referred to as a kind of manifestation or avatar of Logos. Aristotle used it to describe one of three techniques in argumentation, the others being Pathos and Ethos.

The introduction to this book describes it as “a nest of what we might call logical or rational faculties and activities”. It’s clearly one of those words about which there is no total consensus, to explain let’s take another word about which similar debate exists, Art. People debate the meaning of art constantly, if you ask 100 people to tell you what Art means you will receive 100 differing answers. How many thousands of essays have been written about “What art means” or “Is X art?”, and so on. Yet we all have a pretty good idea of what this fundamental essence we expect the word Art to describe is. Logos is a little like that, you can kind of intuit what is meant by it depending on the context and a general understanding of this essence-meaning it has.

It is said that Logos brought about the death of myth, that it is what took us away from the gods. Indeed in this introduction that is pretty much the narrative that is presented. Waterfield presents an excerpt from a poem (ironically, translated from German into English) by Friedrich Von Schiller, a figure from the German Romantic movement and contemporary of Goethe, called The Gods of Greece. The poem laments how the de-souled Word (das entseelte Wort) is all that remains now the gods have fled to the mountains and taken with them all things colourful and beautiful. All sense of wonder, it reminds me of another line of poetry from Keats (a Romantic poet born here in England) who famously said that “philosophy will clip an angel’s wings”.

Indeed like I said, poetry is kind of representative of this older more wonderous and mysterious ancient past, and prose writing is kind of a representative for the more rigorous search for knowledge. Also presented in this introduction is a quote from Plato (from The Republic, though I don’t remember it) where he talks about the age old conflict between poetry and philosophy in fact. So the implication here is the Pre-Socratics were the harbingers of this revolution, of the decline of Mythos and the beginning of the reign of Logos. These individuals are characterised as the earliest proto-scientists, and their proclamations as purely material and to be taken at face value, but I’m just not sure if they can be.

First of all clearly this is a fight that continued long after the men in this book has passed from memory for most people, I mean the very Romantic movement that inspired the poem in this introduction goes to show that the battle lasted millennia. Perhaps such movements were the last gasp, but still the gods held out a lot longer than we’re giving them credit for if so. Certainly nowadays the idea of reason, logic, empiricism is held up as something inherently respectable, while mysticism and tradition is derided and mocked as nothing more than superstition. Did this fight really start with these thinkers though?

Clearly given that Plato quote, even in ancient Greece there was some understanding of this conflict between religious wisdom and scientific study, but I don’t think that most of these particular thinkers in this book personally saw themselves as fighting for one side against the other. In fact it’s very likely that a lot of them thought they were working in service of Mythos if anything, even though some may have had some radical ideas for their time. I’m not even sure that all of them were being literal when they wrote about the nature of things. Heraclitus talks about fire quite a bit for instance, but it’s hard to tell whether he’s talking about it in a literal sense or if he is using it as a metaphor. Or perhaps he wouldn’t have even made such a distinction at all.

The translator even somewhat seems to agree, ending the introduction by saying that perhaps this narrative is not so simple. He does ultimately believe that the Pre-Socratics did revolutionise the way we thought, but he cautions against the idea that there was any kind of clean break. Generally this idea that they were in some sense a transitionary force is something I’ve gotten from this introduction. The difference is I’m not sure yet if I necessarily agree that they even played this role, I think they might be much closer to mysticism and Mythos than some think. I’m going to need to read the whole book and think about it some more, I just wanted to share my thoughts now because reading what I have so far has inspired me.

I could go on, and there is more I think I want to say but I will have a chance to get to it later, because I’m going to be trying something new with this entry. See as well as all that I’ve already talked about, I also realised during this third section that these thinkers are so disparate that I’m not going to be able to write one coherent response to the book like I did with the one from Xenophon. However, neither am I going to be capable of writing an entire full length (in comparison to my average) entry for each of the chapters in this book. I may surprise myself, but I think for some of them I will have very little to say. However I will have something to say, because they are all quite unique and they all had interesting ideas of their own.

Sure, there are some things which tie all (or at least the ones I’ve read about so far) these thinkers together, and maybe I’ll talk about that too, but I want to give each of them some room to breathe. This collection might have a smaller wordcount than the book from Xenophon, but in a few pages it touches on more than the entirety of that one. In much less depth of course, much like how if you had a few quotes taken from over Xenophon’s entire writing career you’d touch upon more than in any one specific work of his. This is just for one thinker as well, this book translates the ideas of over 20 different men. Some so closely related in thought they share a chapter admittedly, but still it’s impossible to write one post that really says anything meaningful about all of these people.

Here’s my plan. I am going to upload what I’ve written so far tonight, but I will keep this as an open/ rolling entry and eventually over the next few weeks or months I’ll try to add a small subsection to this post for each chapter in this book. Responding what I can to each one individually. Again, there is a chapter for each man, or in some cases a few closely related ones. I’m currently reading a different book, but I will re-read the first few chapters I’ve already read soon and post the responses to those. After that, I will go back to my usual schedule posting normal entries and whenever I add an update to this one I will let you know in those so you don’t have to keep checking back yourself. I think I’m going to leave it without a header image until I decide to stop adding to this post as well. Let’s hope this doesn’t drag on for a year like my Books series.

The Milesians

This first chapter covers three different men from the city of Miletus, Thales, Anaximander and Anaximenes. All contemporaries who had ideas of their own but clearly heavily influenced one another’s thought. The grouping of them together is not something that starts with this book, but even in antiquity they seem to have been considered to all be part of one school of thought. The thing is though, they don’t seem to be particularly philosophical at first glance, and reading about them you get the feeling that they actually were much closer to the Logos side of the dialectic described in my introductory section to this entry. The problem though, is that not one of these men is allowed to speak for himself for no writing from any of them survives. The translated section of this chapter is all testimonia, there are no fragments at all.

Some of the testimonia claim to be quoting specific things that these men said or perhaps wrote, but most of them are more like a paraphrasing of what these men supposedly believed. Mostly from Aristotle and Theophrastus (a student of Aristotle’s), and it’s even perhaps the case that the later Roman chroniclers were reading from the Aristotelian accounts rather than any original works. So there are those and there are a fair few historical accounts, that simply describe who these men were and what they were known for in their own time. We can figure out a fair amount from these historical testimonia, particularly the ones about Thales who is the oldest of the three and so perhaps was some kind of mentor figure to the other two.

In fact the first few testimonia about Thales are from Herodotus, so thankfully I had a full copy of the book to return to in order to actually get the full context on the passages used. It seems that Thales was from the aristocracy, the more leisured class in the city of Miletus, which was a major centre of trade in what is today the south-western coast of Turkey. Which means there were a lot of new ideas coming from the east, Persia and Babylon and Egypt and perhaps even India. According to Herodotus Thales was himself originally of Phoenician origin, as in he was descended in part from presumably some rich Phoenician trader who for some reason married a Greek woman and settled in a Greek city. Although of course the Greeks and Phoenicians have always been somewhat connected, the Phoenicians gave them their alphabet in fact which we still use a derivate of today.

Thales is presented as some kind of court engineer or magician figure, or at least if you take that fantasy trope/ archetype you can see how he comes across in the more historical accounts in this book. He supposedly ordered a river divided in two to help an army at some point, he is credited with predicting a solar eclipse (which is how historians have been able to date when he would have lived), and inventing a device called the gnomon. He supposedly played a pioneering role in the development of geometry. And according to Aristotle he was the man who developed the kind of thinking, that the other two men in this section propagated, that the material world at least could be reduced to certain fundamental elements.

The problem is, it’s hard to tell whether this is what he really was doing or if this was an Aristotelian imposition. Going back to this whole Logos/ Mythos thing, it really does seem like Aristotle was motivated entirely by Logos. I have read very little from him directly, really only his quotes in this book actually, but I have read and watched a fair bit about the man and he really does seem to have been someone who saw the world in purely material terms. Everything can be explained through examination and experimentation basically, and Theophrastus seems to have been of a similar mindset. So how do we know that Thales was being entirely literal when he spoke of the earth as floating on some kind of eternal sea, and everything coming from water.

So we know he was an aristocrat, presumably from a trading family of some kind, most people who make it into history books do tend to be. I personally think it’s very likely that he went travelling east and south, perhaps in his youth, on some kind of ancient world Grand Tour, or maybe later in life along with the other two men this chapter talks about. It’s just as possible that he was responding to various flood myths which are very common in middle eastern mythology (the flood from the Old Testament being one these), or the creations myths of Egypt and Babylon which suggested that the world originally arose from a watery swamp. There’s plenty of evidence that he did visit these places, take that invention, the gnomon.

Now the invention of it has been attributed to both Thales and Anaximander, but they were associates so it doesn’t matter much. The gnomon is the part of a sundial that sticks out to cast the shadow, and they had these in Babylon before the time of Thales, so it’s much more likely one or both of them simply brought one back from there. We also know that they had figured out how to accurately predict an eclipse in Babylon, so he very possibly learned that from them as well. He must have still been an intelligent and interesting figure with ideas of his own, after all he clearly played an important role in the development of mathematics and engineering, but it seems like he was very much influenced by the myths and ideas he heard on his travels, which I think are hard to deny took place.

I think that this idea that he was the first to look for purely material explanations for the world might be entirely false in fact, the last quote about him actually states that he “thought that all things were full of gods”. That’s another quote from Aristotle, and one that seems kind of dismissive, as if he thinks less of Thales for not being of the same purely Logos minded worldview as himself. I think it’s very possible that Aristotle is giving a distorted picture of what Thales believed, although to be fair he makes very few claims about that. Still, even his presentation of him as this foundational figure in the sciences seems misleading to me.

Unlike Thales, the other two men in this section’s ideas about the nature of the material world (assuming they were being literal, there is still doubt) have been written about in much more depth. They didn’t leave any writings behind either, or at least none of it survives, but a second hand explanation is better than a few vague sentences and nothing more as we get with Thales. The testimonia for these two are about what they believed for the most part, rather than about the lives of the men themselves. There are a couple, Anaximander supposedly drew one of the first maps of the world. A map which Herodotus complains about quite a bit actually, I didn’t even need to pick the book back up for context because I remembered that section fairly well. Mostly though, we finally start to get something interesting once we come to these two.

According to Anaximander the first principle or element was not water or fire, earth or air, but something he called “the boundless”. Some kind of eternal substance, a void I suppose. There’s very little information about what he meant by this, and what we do get even is somewhat contradictory as it seems that people writing about this idea were giving their own interpretation, which to me suggests Anaximander himself never really elaborated much on it. It must be significant though, because the idea that the living world we inhabit was preceded by a void or chaos was already pretty established in the greek world at the time from what I understand, so perhaps the significance was that Anaximander sought to explain or somehow map it out.

Or maybe that is entirely an imposition by Aristotle again, maybe the reason Anaximander didn’t write very much about it was because he wasn’t suggesting anything new in this regard and simply mentioned this void or boundless that everyone already kind of took for granted whether it be in a literal sense or a kind of figurative sense or somewhere in between. Sort of how I mentioned before with Heraclitus, perhaps the distinction wasn’t there. Perhaps there was belief that the primordial chaos can be read into to mean something about how we should live and what/ who we are, but also was literal. There wasn’t this distinction between Mythos and Logos, there was a unity. There was a harmony to all things, if that makes sense.

Indeed as Aristotle himself points out, some of the ancient poets “made Ocean and Tethys the parents of creation”. Ocean (or Oceanus) and Tethys were two gods who in some cases were credited with creating the world, although in other cases like Hesiod’s Theogeny Uranus/ Ouranos and Gaia are responsible and Oceanus and Tethys are their children. As I’ve talked about, these traditions were rather fluid and though there were some attempt to canonise things (like Hesiod did) they don’t seem to have been very effective. My point here though, is that this also may have influenced Thales. Indeed Aristotle suggests that the poets were somehow getting at a similar fact about how the world originated from water.

It seems to me like Thales was simply merging this mythic conception of the origin of things which perhaps was held in the region he was born in and at that time, with what he learned from interacting with Egyptian and Babylonian priests while on his travels in the east. Perhaps rather than trying to build a material foundation for the study of natural science or whatever role Aristotle is trying to place him in, he was really just trying to somehow reconcile these disparate but similar mythological explanations for the origin of things. Like I said the mythic tradition was fluid, it changed with time and as new peoples and themes interacted with it.

Unfortunately as I’ve said several times, we don’t actually have any writings from him on this subject and what little we have about them is possibly a distortion and certainly not enough to analyse. I think it’s possible that because of his image as an engineer/ mathematician Aristotle seems to think he was somehow different from the other men in history who simply contributed to this fluidity of the ancient mythic tradition that I’ve been talking about. There doesn’t seem to be much actual reason to believe that he represented some drastic turning point in the way we thought. In fact a lot of what he says seems to kind of rhyme with a lot of ideas in the various mythological traditions he would have encountered. Not just him, all three of the Milesians.

Anaximander’s section later goes on to describe his conception of the heavens, in fact most of the testimonia about him talk about this. It seems that primarily he was a sort of proto-astronomer, although he also had some things to say about the nature of matter and reality too like Anaximenes did and Thales. And it’s noted by the translator in the introduction to these thinkers at the start of the chapter that his suggestion that the stars are small holes in a ring nine times the size of earth (and the moon is a hole in a greater ring 18 times the size, and the sun a hole in the furthest ring which is 27 times the size) which allow a glimpse into an eternal fire actually mirrors a line from Hesiod which talks about a bronze anvil taking nine days to fall to earth from the heavens.

Anaximenes rejected Anaximander’s idea of the boundless as some entirely unique substance and instead seems to suggest that air is the fundamental element of creation. According to later sources he believed that the other traditional “elements” of fire, water, and earth were just the result of air being exposed to heat or cold. There doesn’t seem to be any exploration of where these changing temperatures arise, but that the boundless was air alone before these forces. Now Uranus was the god of the sky, so was there some connection there as he was another god credited with a role in creation, I don’t know. It’s interesting though, and even if these men were not mythmakers then at the very least I think it’s undeniable that the myths of their time heavily influenced their conception of the world and in that sense they were agents of Mythos.

This section ended up being quite a bit longer than I expected, I thought it’d be a few paragraphs only but here we are. I hope this was interesting, although admittedly there was not a lot I said that was especially new or insightful. I’m sure anyone who read what I have of the book, would probably have similar thoughts to me. I’m really enjoying reading this stuff though, it’s a lot of fun. I find this stuff to be fascinating, and I hope to simply keep learning. The next section is about a man called Xenophanes, and I will try to have that part finished relatively soon. I don’t think I’ll have too much to say about that either, but just like with this entry it may end up growing into something more than I expect.

Xenophanes of Colophon

Now funnily enough given a lot of what I’ve been talking about lately, particularly in the first section of this post, the next thinker I’m going to be talking about was actually a poet. He was a man with some very interesting ideas, groundbreaking ideas for his time perhaps, but first and foremost he was known for his poetry. A travelling bard, who wandered at the very least throughout the Greek world and perhaps even beyond. Somewhere around 100 lines of his poetry survive to this day apparently, and I believe that all that survives from him is in verse actually. Certainly all the fragments collected in this book are, thought they are far fewer than one hundred in number.

All that is collected here, as in the other sections so far, are those fragments which are considered by the translator to be philosophical in nature. Well, those and a couple which are autobiographical also. I’m starting to notice a pattern actually. That rather than this supposed claim justifying only a select few of the fragments being chosen, what’s really happening is the fragments selected are actually being used as supplementary material to the “introduction” section for each individual chapter. And that these introductions, not the sections which contain the fragments themselves, are the focus of this book. As I was saying in my initial response at the start of this post, I can’t help but feel like I’m getting a rather distorted view of what these men thought.

Every one of these introductory sections goes through what we know about the man, then follows up with some kind of explanation of a worldview they are supposed to have held. There’s always an attempt to present some kind of coherent path that was travelled to reach this worldview, and I’m just kind of sceptical. Again, I even said before that I feel like I can’t trust the ordering of these fragments. I’m not implying that the translator is trying to deliberately mislead, but I’m aware that this is a mass market book primarily aimed at enthusiasts and laymen, not academics. Part of me wonders if most of the fragments that didn’t get translated for this were left out simply because they were inconvenient or even merely unnecessary in order to present the narrative that most people who would buy this book are looking for.

I could have gone for the dry academic textbook which translates everything, and maybe read online articles or secondary sources (many of which are mentioned in this book to give credit where it is due, there is an extensive bibliography) for help understanding the historical, religious, and social context which these guys were part of, and everything else that I thought I needed and led me to picking this book over that one. If I had done that though, it would have taken me a lot longer and been more expensive and I’d probably have needed to write many posts rather than just having this one. And really all just so I can read Plato, that’s really what I’m most interest in getting to. In fact the primary reason I’m reading this book is to give me the philosophical and social context for when I do get to read Plato. Although if I never do get there I think I still will be happy to have read this book for it’s own sake, it is giving me a lot to think about.

So I’ll try and do my best and give my own take where possible as I did in the last section for every chapter in this book, but there is this slight feeling of doubt that I can’t shake. Maybe one day I’ll go back and buy that full textbook, maybe one day I’ll learn ancient greek and won’t even need a translation at all (unlikely), for now I’m just going to try and get on with this post. I’ve already talked about this enough, I won’t keep coming back to it but I just had to mention it again one last time because it is really present in my mind every time I read through a chapter and take notes. And I have been taking notes, for the two sections so far anyway. Once I finish this I’ll do the same for the Heraclitus chapter and so on.

Now I think the best way to do these sections is to focus on one aspect of each thinkers’ thought that I think is particularly interesting and add my own ideas to it, or talk about how it reminds me of ideas of my own, or about how this way of thinking is new to me. I don’t just want to simply regurgitate what the book says about these men, you can look up the Wikipedia article on them yourself (or read this book) if you’re interested. Both are going to be far more well cited and well written than this blog is, but what those other places can’t give you is my personal thoughts on the ideas of these men. So that is what I will try to provide. And Xenophanes does not disappoint, after reading through his chapter a second time in fact I’ve been brought back to an idea I talked about very briefly a while ago and have been forced to examine it in much more depth.

See what’s most interesting to me about Xenophanes is that he was a sort of early monotheist, which might surprise you (it surprised me) given the culture he lived in. I’ve talked before and even in this post about the fluidity of the Greek belief system, which I’m not sure how to refer to precisely, I guess I like a term which I’ve heard a few times, the Homeric religion. Well Xenophanes grew up in a world where this was what people believed, and he railed against it. Particularly the anthropomorphic depictions of the gods, there are a several fragments of him mocking or attacking the belief that many of the people of Greater Greece would have had, that being in literal human-like gods such as Apollo, Athena, Ares, etc. The kind depicted in The Iliad, or the many other famous myths, real relatable characters with flaws and vices and emotion.

Xenophanes attacked this, he points out how human cultures always happen to depict Gods that look like themselves. The Ethiopians (not modern day Ethiopians, in antiquity the term generally meant people from further south than Egypt) all have black skinned and flat nosed gods, and the Thracians all have red haired and blue eyed gods, he notes. Read into that, and the depictions of most of the greek gods we’re all familiar with like Apollo or Athena, what you will. There’s another fragment where he says that if Horses or Lions had hands, they would carve statues of Lion or Horse like gods. I talked before about how there were plenty of people I believe who didn’t literally believe in the gods as presented in many of the myths, but who had a more complex understanding of these figures, but it does seem that most of the normal people didn’t give it much thought.

I suppose it makes sense that only more scholarly types would have, just like how most people today kind of take the world around them for granted. That’s not to say that he didn’t believe in the gods, he wasn’t an atheist. I mean if people believe in a god, this will influence their actions. They are doing things in the name of a certain deity, and in a way this makes that god real. This is why so many religious traditions believe in sacrifice, and prayer, gods are like memes (as in Richard Dawkins’ idea of meme, which is similar to but not exactly the same as the way the word is used on 4chan and other sites) in a way. They survive and prosper thanks to human belief, and in a way they kind of do become like a real being. Something born from man, which in turn influences him and changes him.

Well anyway Xenophanes was clearly one of these men who didn’t just take the myths at face value, and it clearly bothered him that so many others did. Hence the mocking of them and the things they believed, although he mocked people he clearly had respect for or was influenced by as well. In the very last fragment presented for him, he mocks Pythagoras. I’m sure you’ll recognise the name, we all learned about his theorem in maths lessons, but as well as being a major early mathematician he was also a philosopher or perhaps even a kind of pagan theologian. I actually don’t like the idea that there is a hard distinction between the two, if it’s not obvious to anyone reading already. In eastern traditions like Persia, India, or China there doesn’t seem to have been this same hard line drawn between philosophy and theology. That’s one thing I learned from that book about comparative philosophy I talked about briefly about half a year ago.

In fact a lot of words for philosophy in the languages of these distant places are rather recent, post contact with the modern west. What we modern westerners tend to think of when we hear the term philosophy is something cut off from other disciplines, in part I suppose thanks to the nature of the educational systems we have which by necessity break things apart. Throughout most of history in the west all study was a form of philosophy almost. Isaac Newton wouldn’t have called himself a scientist, he was a natural philosopher. An Aristotelian term for the study of the natural world, the world of phenomena. Nowadays we have Science, a word which derives from the latin word for knowledge and yet roughly corresponds to what in the past would have been seen as merely a branch of it.

Philosophy might have been a term coined by Pythagoras in fact, or a very similar word in ancient Greek (Philosophia), and it meant the love of wonder/ wisdom or something like that. Yet Pythagoras wasn’t interested in merely speculating about petty abstractions as quite a few prominent advocates of Science™ have said. Not at all, in fact today he’s mostly remembered as a mathematician. Now I’m going to talk about him more when I’ve read his chapter, because honestly I don’t know a lot about him yet. I know he is another of these figures who supposedly travelled beyond the Greek world, and he believed in reincarnation and was also a kind of monist like Xenophanes. I don’t know if Pythagoras took this One idea (which to me seems very Indian) and actually presented it as a divine being like Xenophanes, but I guess I’ll find out.

Aristotle described Xenophanes as an informal monist, in contrast to Parmenides who he may have influenced and who I’ll be talking about soon and some others, because his idea was not very well fleshed out or rigorous. Which makes sense, he was a poet and therefore he would have expressed his thought as much through technique and imagery as through simple explanation. See he talks about this God of his as being entirely omnipotent, in fact the translator notes in the introduction that he’s almost like if Anaximander’s boundless were personified. In fact maybe that is exactly what he was trying to do, maybe that is what the poet’s role in tradition is. And as I’ve explained I’m not so sure that the Milesians were doing anything other than taking part in the evolution of tradition.

I’ve already talked about them though, this section is about Xenophanes. Now he describes this god as being entirely motionless, and yes he refers to him as a “he”, he talks about him as a male being that can hear and see and think. Yet not at all like any living creature either, as I said he doesn’t even move “but effortlessly he shakes all things by thinking with his mind”. My interpretation of this fragment is that any reference to a body is just for the sake of making him comprehensible, but in fact this “god” is very similar to my conception of god which I’ve talked about before a little bit. He literally is everything, and this means that he can’t be something, because all somethings are mere aspects of everything. And perhaps this is what people are talking about when they say they believe there to be a kind of “one-ness” to everything, a unifying principle.

I’m not as convinced of that, I feel like perhaps there are other forces at work. I’m actually kind of drawn to dualistic thinking generally, but I’m really still trying to collect my thoughts on these subjects so for now I won’t go into much more detail about my own ideas on this particular issue. My point here is that I was immediately reminded of my own ideas on this that I talked about in that linked post, and a couple other times in even less detail, which is interesting. Either Xenophanes’ influence is very grand in scope, or he in turn has influenced many others who’s ideas have in turn somehow got to me through the culture or traditions.

So I could be wrong, but my current interpretation of the fragments relating to this super/ over god figure is that there is a kind of esoteric reading in which the god is somewhat figurative or at the very least any description of his form is. Another way of putting it is that the descriptions of his body and action are actually there to illustrate his nature and power in an indirect way. The poet is being poetic, with his references to thought and movement and so on. Or perhaps I’m entirely wrong, in another fragment Xenophanes goes on to say that no one will ever understand the nature of the gods or of the other matters about which he wrote and talked about. Those being similar ideas in the same cosmogonical vein as those about which the Milesians talked about, and which I would love to explore more but only a few lines survive. There’s just nothing to really analyse in that regard, it’s a shame.

Anyway, there may have been more I wanted to say but I’m struggling to think of anything else right now and this second update to this post has taken much longer than I expected. I’ve been working a bit more than I expected this week, so I’ve had less free time, but I’m pretty sure I’ve covered the main things I wanted to regarding Xenophanes so I’m happy to just upload what I’ve written now. Heraclitus is next, and also I’ve got a separate full length post planned which I intend to start writing in the next couple days, so stay tuned. I hope that people are finding this stuff interesting, it’s certainly very interesting to me and I want to keep writing more about philosophy going forward even if I might be a brainlet.

Heraclitus of Ephesus

It’s funny, when I first read this section of the book it brought out all that doubt and concern that I talked about in the first part of this post. This is because after reading through it all, I felt like I had really learned nothing. I went back a second time though as I said, and then I started to see. Now every time I open that chapter and just look at one of the fragments, it sends me down a whole new line of thought every time. There is a lot to mine here, but how much is by design and how much is simply a result of Heraclitus’ legendary reputation and my own tendency to overanalyse everything I am not entirely sure. I guess it doesn’t matter though, I do personally believe that a piece of writing takes on a certain life of it’s own and so can present things that weren’t necessarily intended by the initial writer.

I want to try and keep this section somewhat cohesive though, and so I won’t be able to say everything about my thoughts on the ideas of this man in this specific post. It’s very possible I will talk about him again though, or at least that there will be other posts that are in part inspired by my reflections on what he wrote. That is for another time however, for now I intend to try and give my current interpretation of what the philosophy that underlies all these disparate fragments presented in this book is. As always I may be entirely misreading the man, but at least I am reading him. So I’m going to start off by talking about the 21st fragment presented in this chapter (Dielz Kranz 22B51) which is translated as so in this particular book.

They are ignorant of how while tending away it agrees with itself — a back-turning harmony, like a bow or lyre.

I like this one a lot and I remember it sticking out to me on the first reading because it seemed completely impenetrable, after all it is exceedingly vague and seems to be missing some crucial context. The question is on everybody’s mind I’m sure, what is this “it” he is referring to? Well, it is the Logos. Or what I will mostly be calling it going forward, the Heraclitean Logos, which is related to but distinct from the other uses I talked about in that first section of this post. In fact in the translations for this book, the word Logos isn’t used in any of the fragments even though that is the word Heraclitus himself used, and there was a focus on it in the introduction to this book weirdly. Instead Waterfield translates it as “principle”, which works better than other translations I checked online where it was changed to “word”, but nevertheless is still a choice which I don’t like.

Clearly there’s no word which works exactly right or there wouldn’t be different choices for which English substitute to use, so why even translate it at all. Logos is a loanword that we still use in the English language, though of course it’s not exactly one that comes up in conversation frequently, so it seems to me that it would have made sense just to leave it as is. Principle does work though, but actually I think if I really had to translate it I’d have either chosen the word logic or law. See the way Heraclitus uses the word is to describe something which he thinks underlies the material world which is in a permanent state of change or movement. Flux is the word used, and if you look up videos or lectures on youtube, or read articles online, this idea of flux is often presented as one of his few primary ideas.

Now I don’t disagree but I think that this idea of flux, and his other ideas about fire and war, are all closely related and unified by one overarching personal philosophy. Heraclitus saw the entire physical world as something which was in eternal motion, always moving. Most famously he expressed this with his analogy of the river where, to paraphrase, he compares the world we inhabit to a river. For you can never step into the same river twice, it’s constantly moving. You cross a river and by the time you cross back, the water you stepped in earlier has long flowed downstream. That’s not to miss the forest for the trees though, he uses the word “river” and in doing so clearly acknowledges it, but stresses that we should also have this understanding that while we may be limited by our human faculties to perceive a world of stationary items permanence in any sense is illusory.

This is the heraclitean logos, this force of pure movement, or perhaps we could refer to it as energy. The irony being that the only thing that we can rely on to always be the same, is that things never remain the same, the principle of eternal change. And is it so crazy to attribute some kind of divinity to this factor? I don’t think so. In fact Heraclitus himself describes something which he refers to as “the one and only wise thing”, which I assume has to be this logos, and he says that it both is and is not willing to be called by the name of Zeus. Zeus of course being the head of the Olympian pantheon, the “father” god of the Greeks. Which reminds me a lot of what Xenophanes was talking about, how the accepted gods of the Greeks were a way of giving a human face to the real divinity. In the same sense perhaps Heraclitus is saying that the logos is the real divinity that is behind the traditional gods.

Anyone who understood history would understand that the nature of the gods changed over time, like I’ve spoken about several times before, and Heraclitus being a member of the aristocracy (In fact some accounts suggest he was a member of the ruling family of Ephesus, and rejected the position of kingship when it was offered to him) would have been educated in the history of his clan and city at least if not the entire Greek people. He certainly would have known of the poetry of Homer, which presented a slightly different ordering of the pantheon to that of his own day as I’ve talked about before. The outward face of spirituality was not stagnant or unmoving, it was fluid and constantly evolving to fit the world around it which was constantly moving as well. The underlying essence of divinity however, which underlies practical religion/ tradition, is eternal. Seeing the parallels here?

It’s not just in relation to spirituality that this idea of a changing or evolving world applies though, it is everywhere. Really, once I began to appreciate this idea I started to notice it in all areas of life. Take something about which Heraclitus couldn’t possibly have known, the cellular structure of all living things. We know now that every single day cells in your body are dying and being replaced, by the time you are an old man every cell in your body right now will have died and been replaced. Unless you are already an old man. Of course it’s not like we shed our skin like a snake, it happens in a very disjointed manner. Fat cells can last for years for example, while other cells in the human body die and are replaced after a few days, but the human body is like the famous ship of Theseus in that eventually every material component is destroyed and replaced.

Yet we recognise a person, even though now modern biology has taught us this about ourselves we don’t feel like it’s true. We feel like there are people, we perceive a world of things that exist and then don’t. Heraclitus points out that in fact what we see is like a flowing river, everything in the world from the largest star to a grain of sand. We as people are limited, or constrained perhaps, so as to be incapable of really understanding this truly. We can maybe acknowledge it intellectually, but our very senses seem to tell us otherwise. Similar to how you can tell someone that the best way to not get eaten by a bear is to make yourself as big as possible by holding out your arms wide, but even someone who knows this when actually faced with a bear will instead act on instinct and run in most cases.

We think we inhabit a world of tables and chairs, of rules and laws, of traditions, but the truth is god didn’t create the world in seven days and place the creatures as they are here on earth. Evolution is god, it is the only thing which is and always will be. Evolution as applied to humans and the species more generally was such a big deal culturally because it goes against this instinctual feeling that we inhabit an ordered universe. Not to say there isn’t a sort of order, but not in the way we might tend to think. However everything is evolving constantly, not just species of animals, you the person reading this will evolve with new information or experience until you die. Products in the market evolve to maximise profits, and in turn demand is changing every day. The planet itself is changing shape, tectonic plates shifting and so on. I could go on and on ad nauseum, indeed hypothetically I could describe everything observable.

I want to go back to that quote right from the start though, there was more I wanted to say about it. See I think it’s so interesting because it gives us a crucial explanation as to the nature of this flux which all things are subject to according to Heraclitus, this divine logos which I think is at the core of his philosophy. He describes it as like a bow (as in bow and arrow) or lyre, a musical instrument which is a bit like a small harp you can hold in one hand. Apollo is actually frequently depicted with a lyre, not sure if there is anything to this or if it’s just a coincidence but I feel like it’s worth noting. Him being a god oft associated with  So the thing that both of these items have in common is that a string is held taut at all times, being pulled tight from both directions, which creates a permanent tension or energy ready to be released and grant death or make music respectively.

You look at a bow which has been strung, or a lyre or other string instrument, and you see what looks like an inanimate object, but just like the river ever flowing there is in fact movement. At all times it is being pulled apart, it couldn’t be any less stationary, it is at war with itself. And speaking of war, which it seems Heraclitus saw as a kind of example of this logos on the grand human scale, there are a fair few fragments which make mention of it in this collection. He actually anthropomorphises war, yet doesn’t ever make any mention of the god Ares interestingly, describing it as the father and king of all. He raises men to the greatest heights and yet drags others down to the lowliest positions in life. He grants the greatest freedom men will experience, and yet makes slaves of many as well.

It is reasonable to assume that Heraclitus himself would have fought in battle I think, being from a clan of such prestige in the warrior culture of classical Greece I find it hard to see how he couldn’t have. So this wasn’t just a sheltered idealist talking about a realm which he didn’t understand, no he lived in a time of constant war and so these are no idle words. When he glorifies war though, I don’t think that it’s meant to be taken entirely at face value. There’s more depth to these statements in my opinion, which I think the bow analogy helps to illuminate for us. War is the truest expression of something which he sees everywhere, that being of course the logos. It is movement, it is dynamism, and yes it is conflict.

Think about it, there are so many major inventions that changed the world and were first and foremost a product of war. What is the primary driver of major changes in culture, language, religion, even the genetic make-up of a population? War. What Heraclitus’ idea of the logos is to everything, war is at the civilizational level. More than a metaphor, an actual example of the very thing it analogises. It makes a lot of sense to me as well, to go back to the example of the bow. Like a generator, you need to build up energy and motion before you do anything. Energy is neither created nor destroyed, that’s the first law of thermodynamics, which you could say kind of vindicates some of what Heraclitus was saying all those millennia ago.

Think about your own life though, how much easier it can be to launch yourself into something when you’re already in motion. In fact I’m reminded of the times my dad has left me here to go on holiday. I have to do far more than usual, cooking for myself every day, washing up and cleaning, while still going in to work, going out to buy the food I’ll need, etc. I’m not saying this to complain, it’s far from a hard life I lead but I’m just saying that comparatively I am forced to be more active even if only to accomplish rather plebeian tasks. Yet I get more writing done every time he leaves than I do in a similar period of time that passes while he lives here. Last time in fact I wrote about this phenomenon and was worried that I would somehow ruin the effect, but I didn’t. There is definitely something to the idea that lethargy is a sort of self perpetuating thing, and that the inverse can be said for movement and action.

Another thing which is something of a focus point for Heraclitus is fire, I’m sure you can probably guess why. Fire as a metaphor for change is far older than Heraclitus, think of the legendary phoenix which burns up in order to be rejuvenated and live again. In fact fire is a hugely important symbol in Zoroastrianism which was the religion of the Persians. A religion which influenced all the Abrahamic faiths to some degree by the way, both in how it’s influence on Judaism will have carried through into the others, and of course because Zoroastrian ideas directly influenced Christianity and Islam as they did Judaism, later in history.

Now Ephesus was part of the Persian empire while Heraclitus was alive, of course the Ionian city states that it was one of were granted a great deal of autonomy (after all we know Ephesus at least still had kings of it’s own, even if they were ultimately subject to the authority of the satrap for that province), but nevertheless it’s almost impossible for Heraclitus not to have encountered the Zoroastrian faith and tradition. Even if the Ionian city states mostly kept to themselves, they still had to operate within this larger imperial structure and would have fought alongside Persians and other conquered peoples in wartime. When they weren’t rebelling that is. Unfortunately I know very little about what Zoroastrians believed, but I just felt like there must be some connection there and that I should note it. I’m trying to cover all my main thoughts on each thinker in this post so I’m making sure to include things like that, even if I’m not able to elaborate much on them right now.

Much like how the Milesians had their own ideas about what the elements of the material world were, and what came first, Heraclitus seems to be saying that fire is this originating substance. Now of course we can’t be sure if those other thinkers were being figurative, or only partially literal, or if they really were being purely literal only. In Heraclitus’ case I think it’s undeniable that even if he also really believed that fire literally birthed all things, he was also trying to say something about the current state of the world in so doing. Fire is a kind of pure form of change, of dynamism and energy, so I completely understand the focus on it. When you watch a flame, you can feel life in it, I remember thinking this on camping trips when I was young. And of course fire also has the ability to cause change in almost anything it touches.

It’s just really interesting stuff, and I could honestly probably write twice as much as I have here so far but I think this is a good place to stop. I’ve covered my most crucial thoughts on the man and his ideas, if I am reminded of something else I will come back and add a paragraph or two but I’m pretty sure I’m happy with what I’ve written. The next section will probably take a little longer because I haven’t even read the next chapter in the book yet. I will read it when I have some time, and then I will probably want some time to reflect and re-read parts, before finally returning to this post to add my thoughts. I hope what I’m writing here is interesting to you, and I encourage you to read this stuff yourself if you haven’t. A translation into your own language if English or Greek isn’t your native one.

Parmenides of Elea

A lot more time has passed since I wrote the last section for this thing than I would have liked, of course if you read my other entries on this blog you’ll understand partly why. I also took the time recently to read another book, which I have now finished, and so I put the one this entry is responding to aside for a while. We have now entered a whole new decade though, and I’ve decided it’s time to pick it back up. So I read the next chapter I was up to, regarding Parmenides, twice over the last two nights and I’m going to try and talk about it now. I will say though, this part might be a little shorter than the others because I’m not sure if I have much to say. I’ll be honest, I really struggled to understand Parmenides’ philosophy from what little we have of it. I think I have a grasp if it now, but even after reading through this section of the book twice I still feel like there’s something I’m missing or failing to make sense of.

All that we have from Parmenides is one poem titled On Nature, of which only certain sections survive. Of course, everything I said about the issues with translation, especially of poetry, in the introduction to this post, still stands. This means that a lot of meaning presented through very careful word choice is lost, and also that literal chunks of the poem itself are as well. The poem is divided into three sections, though if this is a division made later by scholars or not I’m not exactly sure. An introduction, the Way of Truth, and the Way of Appearance (sometimes translated as the Way of Opinion), the last of which very little survives of unfortunately. So because I myself am still trying to understand Parmenides, for this section what I will do is go through the fragments, which are presented in what scholars believe is chronological order, and try and understand him better.

Luckily this isn’t the last time I will be encountering the line of thinking presented by Parmenides, so there will be more time to come to terms with his philosophy. No, Parmenides is possibly the most influential and important of the thinkers presented in this book, at least that’s what both the translator and plenty of other reputable scholars and writers seem to be saying. Indeed all the thinkers in this first half of the book (the book is divided into two parts, the second which covers the Sophists which I might write a separate post about) who come after Parmenides chronologically are either responding to Parmenides or are in agreement with him and are further expanding upon his propositions. Plato was apparently deeply influenced by him, and in fact one of his most famously complex dialogues features Parmenides and his follower Zeno (who has his own section in this book) and a young Socrates.

Ok, so on to the actual poem itself now. The introduction which seemingly still survives in full sets the scene, Parmenides (in a way which reminds me a little of Dante’s Divine Comedy, though the “descent into the underworld” trope is a very widespread one in mythology from all over the world) describes how he is taken to the underworld one night on a chariot drawn by mares and guided by mysterious veiled maidens. At the gates he is greeted by a Goddess who goes unnamed, who tells Parmenides that it isn’t death that brought him here as one would expect, but because she has some crucial knowledge to share with him.

At this point the introduction ends, and then through the voice of this Goddess Parmenides goes on to share his philosophy with the reader. Now is this a dream he had, or even a waking hallucinatory experience? Perhaps, or perhaps it’s just the natural impulse to explain ideas through story/ myth. Or maybe he literally went the gates of Hades, who knows. Whatever the reason, this sets up the narrative framework within which Parmenides goes on to present his ideas.

So the goddess goes on to give the premising argument upon which all of Parmenides’ conclusions rely, and she does so by presenting it as a choice. The premise itself is that the very idea of “nothingness” is impossible, he actually goes on to say quite emphatically that there is no such thing as nothing a few lines later. The specific wording of the two choices or “ways”, because it is important to know, are as follows. There is the way “that it is and it cannot not be” (the “it” in question being both any specific “it” you might imagine and also everything you can imagine, at least that seems to be the consensus but he doesn’t really specify himself), which he tells us through the mouthpiece of the goddess is the correct view on things, and in opposition there is the way “that it is not and that it must not be” which in turn he describes as an altogether misguided route.

A pretty unassuming starting point you might be thinking, “things are real” is what he seems to be saying, except that in fact he’s going to lead things to a point where he argues the exact opposite. That all sense experience is illusory, and the very idea of seperateness is in fact an impossibility. Indeed Parmenides seemed to have very little faith in the value of the senses, in one fragment taken from a little later in the poem arguing in a rather fanciful way that we should disregard what our senses tell us and instead attempt the pursuit of wisdom through reason (or logos I suppose) alone. Of course I find this belief in the power of human rationality to be incredibly arrogant and misguided, but that is what he believed. It’s undeniably odd I think, however, that someone with such a distrust in the senses (again I personally don’t even see our ability to reason or think logically as somehow distinct from other basic functions, but he did) would reason themselves into the position that the world we see and hear and smell is false.

So after the goddess presents the two choices, and kindly informs us which one is correct, she goes on to explain that if we do accept this then it naturally follows that whatever can be thought of in some sense “is”. There is no such thing as “what is not”. Of course you must be thinking that there are plenty of things you can think of which don’t exist, in fact in the introduction to this chapter when this particular point is being covered the translator even gives some examples himself. You can think about the king of Australia and unicorns all day long, that doesn’t make them manifest. This isn’t just a glaring hole in his logic though, in fact I think this line may have been included in part to specifically encourage this thinking because it helps to actually explain better what he means when he uses the expression “what is”.

We can only imagine things which don’t exist currently in terms of things that do. There may not be a king of Australia, but there are definitely kings and there is definitely an Australia. A little like how when we dream we enter a world which makes no sense, but is populated by things which do and are familiar. We can’t think in terms outside of “what is”, and in this sense I do agree with Parmenides. What I don’t agree with, or at least what I’m as of yet unconvinced by, is this idea that because we as constrained beings are incapable of truly comprehending nothingness therefore we must reject it entirely. It’s the most intuitive thing in the world to believe that before there was something, there was nothing. Everything has a beginning and an end, as the idiom goes.

If there is no such thing as “what is not”, then the very idea of a beginning is impossible. Of course you must have heard the question asked “How can something come from nothing?”, it seems to be something everyone asks themselves at some point actually, well Parmenides just discards the question entirely. And this is the point in the poem where some pretty wild conclusions are drawn based on the original premise, some of which I can follow along with and in fact find rather impossible to argue against if we accept the foundational argument that there is only “what is” as correct, but others which I don’t quite understand how he reached. That the idea of birth and death, or creation and destruction, are impossible I can make sense of. If you reject the idea of nothing, then you must accept that there always was and will be something.

There is no way for there to be some kind of spontaneous eruption of substance from a nothing which never was, but rather you must accept that “what is” is therefore self propagating in some way, and that the very idea of a beginning is impossible as well. On the other end, things can’t possibly cease to be either and so in some sense what we perceive as death or any kind of disintegration or ending of things must in fact just be a transferring of some aspect of “what is” into itself. Which in a way kind of mirrors the Logos that Heraclitus wrote about, this force of change which underlies everything. With Heraclitus we also see this rejection of what our senses might imply about the world around us, where instead of the world as a series of independent processes we should see that all is just one eternal process of transformation.

At least that is how I interpreted him, and this interpretation has greatly affected my worldview. Of all the philosophers who I have so far encountered, Heraclitus is the one who has most profoundly affected my way of seeing the world. I just find his view of things to be fascinating, and to make so much sense, I hope that came across in the section I dedicated to him before this one. Now Parmenides was in fact responding to Heraclitus in part, and ultimately his philosophy does run counter to that which Heraclitus espoused, but I also think that in some ways (as briefly shown above) the ideas of the two men actually seem to rhyme or run along similar lines at least. It might sound paradoxical, but in some sense I think these two thinkers are both getting at the same truth despite also seeming impossible to reconcile with one another. Although from what I’ve heard, that is exactly what Plato attempts to do later in history.

So if “what is” cannot possibly have been born from “what is not”, and yet we see around us a multitude of things, then it does follow that they are all in some sense the same thing. The leap that Parmenides seems to take here, that I don’t quite see the logic in, is that therefore if all things are “one” in this way then there is no possible differentiation. The world of things we think we inhabit is apparently impossible, and therefore an illusion of some kind. So he presents us with what he thinks is the only possible way things can truly be, beneath the glamour of distinction. He argues that “what is” can be visualised as one coherent item which stretches out infinitely in all directions, and anything you can think of is contained within it. It has always been here, and it will always be here, for it is timeless.

So in this sense he is entirely opposed to Heraclitus, in the most crucial sense. According to Parmenides change isn’t the underlying truth of things, but rather change is an illusion and the underlying reality is in fact changeless. Which is what I don’t quite get, because if there is no change or morphing even within “what is”, then how does he deal with the reality we face that so clearly tells us otherwise. Well he doesn’t really, he just dismisses it as illusory which is kind of a cop out in my opinion. He does go on to describe the illusory world he thinks that we only think we inhabit (indeed the idea that we even exist at all must be also seen as in fact false if you accept his arguments completely) in some detail in the third part of the poem, the Way of Appearance/ Opinion. The problem is that so much of that is lost, unlike the first part which survives in full and the Way of Truth which almost does as well, the final section is almost completely lost.

There are a decent number of testimonia which talk about what was written in this last part though, and it seems that instead of explaining why we experience this illusion of a universe of things he just follows in the footsteps of the Milesians and men like that who tried to present a cosmogony. He talks about the same classical elements, like fire and earth etc. and he talks a bit about the planets and all that stuff. It’s clearly kind of mythical in influence, there’s this motif of the earth being surrounded by rings of various kinds which he talks about that I noticed was also something Anaximander said. Almost as if they are getting this somehow from some religious tale or story of some kind which I am unfamiliar with. Anyway I will leave Parmenides here for now, but I’m far from done with him I think. In fact the very next section of this book deals with a man who was a staunch follower of his from what I understand.

Zeno of Elea

This will very possibly be the shortest section in this entire entry, certainly the shortest so far, but that’s fine. I’ve actually written quite a bit more than I thought I would when I first decided to split this post up the way I did, the section on Heraclitus for example being almost long enough to have been a standalone upload. The whole point of combining this into one big thing was so I would definitely respond to every section of this book, rather than perhaps choosing not to write anything when I didn’t think I could finish a substantial post on any particular thinker. So really this section, and any others like it I may go on to write, are what this format was chosen with in mind. As I’ve said on this blog many times, I’m just a layman when it comes to talking and writing about philosophy and I’m not particularly clever. Sometimes I just don’t have that much to say, or I do but it’s nothing interesting or insightful. With that being said, here are my brief thoughts.

Zeno was a Parmenidean, and so all his writings on philosophy are in service of the ideas laid out by Parmenides. They were contemporaries as well, I read somewhere that Parmenides was very fond of Zeno and it seems they had a sort of mentor/ protégé relationship. I already mentioned this as well in the last part I think, but Zeno is a character in Plato’s “Parmenides” dialogue which is one where he supposedly tries to tackle the philosophy of the titular figure using the Socrates character as usual. Well the first of the “testimonia” in this chapter is an excerpt from that dialogue, and in it Socrates briefly questions Zeno on the first hypothesis of the first argument of his treatise. This one treatise is the only work of philosophy of his, and it was quite different from the poem On Nature that it sought to defend.

It was a list, a list of so called “paradoxes”, which he believed presented various contradictions or flaws behind the idea of plurality. Parmenides’ grand conclusion of course being that there can’t possibly be a plurality of things, that all is one, and so the world of individual things we think we see must be illusory. I already talked about that though, and it’s definitely a fascinating idea and not one that can be dismissed easily. Zeno’s writing, of which very little survives intact (basically no more than a few brief quotations, but luckily Aristotle went into great detail arguing against many of the propositions of Zeno which is how we know what quite a few of the paradoxes were), is annoying in that it focuses on what him and Parmenides would have described as the illusion in order to explain the unified real world which exists beyond it.

All of the paradoxes that are covered in this book (there were supposedly around 40, but less than ten remain) are very similar to one another. I won’t go through all of them again here, but I’ll talk about one and in so doing will be talking about all of them in a sense. This one paradox is called the Dichotomy and it is recounted by Aristotle, indeed almost all of the testimonia in this chapter are from Aristotle’s Physics or Simplicius’ Commentary on Aristotle’s Physics. Zeno starts with a reasonable point, for any moving object to reach Point B (starting at Point A) it must first reach a halfway point. How can anyone disagree, for in order to get anywhere you must first get halfway there. However, once you reach this halfway marker it must be said that there is another point halfway between the current point and the end, and so on ad infinitum.

Zeno is saying, essentially, that there will always be another half way point in any journey. Naturally there must be an infinite amount of halfway points if you follow this logic, which makes the idea that you can actually reach one destination from another physically impossible. Aristotle’s response was lacking in my opinion, he uses the paradox as a jumping off point to explain that the idea of infinity has more than one meaning (infinite in extent/ size, or infinitely divisible, any traversable distance being in the second category) but doesn’t actually address the fundamental point being raised. The point is to show that the world around us doesn’t make sense, that the illusion breaks down when you examine it.

Now mathematicians have dealt with the paradoxes of Zeno by now, Carl Boyer (a mathematics Ph.D who Wikipedia tells me also wrote a great deal about the history of mathematics in the mid 20th century) famously saying that the paradoxes were dealt with by calculus. Because they all deal with motion in some sense, all of course trying to show that motion is in fact impossible logically. Any STEMfag reading this will hate me for talking about something I clearly have no understanding of, I’m aware how out of my depth I am here don’t worry. I did briefly learn about calculus when doing my A-levels but the way they taught us was just rote memorisation and I never really understood it truly and have now forgotten everything they made me memorise. I do get very intimidated by anything mathematical now, almost like I’ve been shaken by that A-Level experience and how humiliating the entire year was.

I don’t know where I would start if I wanted to re-learn what I once knew and go further, or if there is any reason to do so. I still think mathematics is in some sense the purest kind of knowledge, and that philosophy and mathematics are tied up with one another in a way that cannot ever be truly undone. Zeno being a perfect example of this, even though what he covers is very rudimentary even for his own time as geometry and arithmetic were already well established, he was talking about the idea of infinity which is a complicated idea. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that the study of mathematics is philosophy, philosophy means the love of wisdom (a portmanteau of the words philo and sophia) and was a term coined by Pythagoras, who is remembered today mostly for his mathematical work fittingly.

Today we think of philosophy as one discipline within academia, populated by annoying French Marxists or stuffy old men quibbling over ever more insignificant linguistic quirks, but this is new. All of study was considered to be working towards the goal of philosophy, or wisdom, for most of the history of it. What we roughly refer to as science today was still going by the Aristotelian term Natural Philosophy even as recently as Isaac Newton’s day. Isaac Newton being the man who developed Calculus and discovered gravity, but also spent a great deal of his life performing alchemical experiments and writing about religion and theology and even serving as a member of parliament.

Philosophy today has become a category within itself, and one that is kind of dismissed or seen as masturbatory and silly. It’s Aristotle that this can be traced back to it seems, though of course he himself would have been shocked at the result. He seems to have been the originator of this splitting of the disciplines, a lot of his time seems to have been dedicated towards proper categorisation and the way he organised study was followed pretty strictly until recently and even today his influence on academia is apparent. And in a way that is Zeno’s legacy as well, because Aristotle essentially used his paradoxes as an excuse to talk about infinity and the other similar ideas that are brought up in some of the others.

The error Zeno thought he was pointing out in the Dichotomy, and in his other paradoxes, was that the physical laws of the world (which he of course believed to be illusory, and may in fact be though not in the way he tried to explain it) didn’t make sense. So Aristotle rejected the conclusion that the physical world was illusory (I believe, though maybe I’m wrong) and instead concluded from Zeno’s paradoxes that all this meant was that the scientific and mathematical understandings of the time were just flawed. I suppose you don’t even have to reject the idea of the world as an illusion to accept this, there’s no reason the illusion wouldn’t be watertight and in fact properly understanding the world around us might help in getting beyond it if anything.

So I haven’t really talked about Zeno himself and what he wrote much in this post, but it’s not really his ideas that are important I don’t think. This post is just for me to give my thoughts upon reading each chapter in this book, and these have been them. So in conclusion I guess Zeno is historically very important, but for reasons that he didn’t intend at all. I have to be honest though, this was by far the least interesting chapter so far, so hopefully the next one is more engaging. From what I understand the thinker who’s writings it covers, a man called Melissus, was another Parmenidean but hopefully he will take a different approach.

Melissus of Samos

Melissus was a naval commander from the island city-state of Samos, he actually played a somewhat prominent role in a conflict with Athens that Thucydides mentions early in his account of the Peloponnesian War in the first section when he talks about the build up to the war. He even bested Pericles in one particular encounter apparently. He doesn’t mention Melissus by name, I went back to check because I didn’t remember, but apparently other classical era historians did when writing about the war. So following on from explaining this Waterfield (the translator, compiler of this collection) makes a statement which I find thoroughly absurd. Here’s the quote.

One cannot help thinking that he must have temporarily shelved the changelessness of the Parmenidean “what-is” in order to engage in politics and warfare, and so that by his very life he demonstrates that Parmenidean monism was epistemological — a state of mind, rather than an ontological statement about the world.

Now my understanding of either of those these terms is not brilliant but I’m pretty certain that the definition for epistemology he is giving is completely false. And sure I’ve talked about the fluidity of words and definitions before – language like all things is subject to the Heraclitean logos – but for the purpose of seeking understanding we still need consensus on terms for the sake of precision. We can’t just give way entirely to the forces of change, it is through the friction created in pushing back (tradition) that the most fruitful outcomes are reached.

Anyway in this case Waterfield isn’t engaged in an organic evolution of terms he’s just thinking of a different word. He says epistemology but really given the brief description he gives he meant to say something else. I’m not sure exactly what word works best, maybe “attitude” or “personal”, but certainly not “epistemological”. At least if that quote was simply a spoken statement you could make the case for him that it was simply a case of misspeaking. Given that this was something written down, deliberated over, and then published however, I’m not sure how you can justify the mistake.

At least I’m pretty certain it’s a mistake, my understanding of the terms “epistemology”/ “epistemological” are very different from “a state of mind”. Now I almost never get comments so I’m not expecting anything but for the sake of explaining myself better I’ll briefly lay out what I understand the terms to mean (and “ontology”/ “ontological” also, while I’m at it) and if I’m completely wrong someone can correct me in a comment. In this post you’re reading I’m trying to learn, not to explain anything other than my current understanding which I know is flawed, and so I fully expect to have said and say things that are incorrect. So that I might get a little closer to the truth and right understanding in time.

Ok, so epistemology and ontology are two separate branches within philosophy. There has been an abundance of epistemological inquiry over the millennia – though the term is relatively new, what it describes is very old – which I’m sure has led to all kinds of fascinating places but at it’s base it is about something rather simple, defining and exploring what knowledge and understanding are truly. Those dealing with questions such as what can we know, how reliable are our senses and rational faculties, that sort of thing. It does not refer to something that is merely an attitude or half serious abstraction, it isn’t a way of seeing things, it is just a word used to describe one kind of philosophy.

So you could say that the Eleatic doctrine raises epistemological questions – though rather frustratingly leaves them without even an attempt at an answer – but it is concerned with ontology primarily. Which leads me to what may be possibly an even more egregious mistake in that same quoted statement from the start. Which is that Parmenides’ monism in not ontological. It is almost purely an ontological position, for god’s sake if you go on the Wikipedia article for the term “ontology” the first thing you see is a photograph of a bust of Parmenides. It’s even said that ontology really begins with him, because unlike the other Pre-Socratics before him he laid out his reasoning rather than simply sharing his conclusions.

Ontology refers to any attempt to explain and explore the nature of reality, to understand the world of things, of what is. Though there’s a particular focus on metaphysics, because modern science (and natural philosophy, which that developed from) is what deals with describing the physical world. You’ve probably asked yourself “why is there something rather than nothing?”, that is an ontological question. As opposed to something like “Is your red the same as my red?”, which is an example of an epistemological question. The many ways in which people have answered those first sort of question, that is the history of ontology. I think.

It might seem unnecessary to focus so much on a simple remark, but it’s something that really stuck out to me. I am sure these terms will become important ones to understand as I continue to read more about these kinds of things as well, so trying to define them and understand them correctly is important. Anyway there’s very little to actually respond to from Melissus, he doesn’t really add anything new. He was another Parmenidean like Zeno, but whereas Zeno had a rather unique way of contributing to that school of thought Melissus seemed intent only to codify what was already established by people that way inclined.

The only surviving writing of his is from a treatise which basically just lays out the arguments and conclusions from On Nature (Parmenides’ original poem) in very simple and concise prose. I presume the only reason he was as well known as he was in the ancient world, given how derivative his work was, is because his work was a much more accessible introduction to Eleaticism. Melissus does seem to have had one small contribution though, which reminds me that I need to make a correction to something I said in the section I wrote regarding Parmenides. I said that he described the One (what-is) as infinite, but in fact he did not and I was wrong to say so.

There’s a specific line in On Nature in fact, which I didn’t really take note of properly on first reading, where he describes it as being “changeless within great bonds”. This seems to contradict everything he says, which is probably why I didn’t really see it at first, because if there is no such thing as nothingness and there is no such thing as plurality then what is must be infinite. Melissus makes the same leap I did however, and states definitively that the One is infinite. Which makes much more sense to me, in fact I think the Eleatic doctrine falls apart completely if you don’t follow it through to that conclusion.

So there’s nothing else new in this chapter (it’s very short) to respond to, it was basically a re-hash of what I read in the Parmenides chapter. Which came in useful, given that it has been a few months. It’s possible I’m going to have a lot more free time over the next few months though, so maybe I’ll be able to pick up the speed a bit and get this post finished soon. I’ll find out soon. Given that Melissus’ role was essentially to provide an overview of the ideas of the Eleatic school, I will take the opportunity now to briefly give some quick further thoughts I’ve had on it now I’ve had enough time to really think about it more. That initial response I wrote to the Parmenides chapter was made almost immediately after first reading it, which is maybe why it wasn’t so great and I made that error.

What I will say is that it is totally compatible with this idea I’ve talked about before, which I think I’ve come to independently but seems to be far from unique, which is that what we might call God or divinity is everything. I linked to the first post I made talking about this in the section on Xenophanes, because he seemed to be describing something very similar to my way of seeing things. Well if you were to accept the Eleatic position, which I’m still not sure I do because there are some leaps of logic as I mentioned that I find hard to follow, that would fit in very well with this conception of ultimate divinity. As Aristotle defined it, Eleaticism is a kind of monism, and it’s only a small step further to define this unifying One as divine in some sense.

I think that’s what Xenophanes was doing, there is some good reason to suggest he was somehow associated to or responding to the Eleatics, the timeline seems to fit. As a poet, as someone more mythically minded like myself, I think that what he was trying to do was take the conclusions of the Eleatics and make it palatable to the normies of the day by putting it in more symbolic or religious terms. In a sense I do see things pretty similarly to Parmenides, I mean if divinity is everything then we must be a part of it. And the issues he raises about plurality are very interesting and important. I think the conclusion is weak, to simply dismiss our experienced reality as illusion is not satisfying, but it’s a good starting point.

I also think that he can be compatible with Heraclitus, because Heraclitus is describing the world we experience. The world which Parmenides considers a mere façade. They are describing different planes of existence you could say. The logos Heraclitus talks about, that is what is responsible for the very plurality of things Parmenides is so perplexed by, my guess is that any attempt later to reconcile the two thinkers would be by explaining how the One gives rise to this logos or force of change within itself. I guess I really do need to get to Plato, and soon.

Pythagoras and fifth-century Pythagoreanism

This chapter is in one sense the most substantial so far, yet in another the least. I’m not sure I’m going to have much to say for this section at all, but I feel obliged to cover my thoughts after every chapter and to really get through this book quickly because it has taken me so long. This post was a bit of a mistake I’m beginning to realise, it has really handicapped me and slowed my progress a great deal. I would have finished this book in a matter of weeks, or less even, if I wasn’t prevented from moving onto another chapter every time I finish one by first having to sit down and write about it. Which for some of the chapters was easy, but for others not so much, as you can probably tell when reading through this post. I’ve been reading a novel of similar length for less than a week and I’m probably going to be finished with it tonight or tomorrow at the latest.

Heraclitus and Parmenides both had fascinating visions of the world, and Xenophanes as well immediately inspired much thought and desire to share it within me, but the others in here (so far) did not. I had to force myself to stay focused and write some kind of coherent response to what I read, but in a couple of cases I ended up procrastinating for weeks beforehand. It’s a similar situation I’m in now, but with far more free time than I’ve had at any other point since starting this blog, I really feel it necessary to push through so I can use the rest of the time to read what I should have been getting started with months ago. Plato. The reason I read this book being that it would provide necessary background knowledge and the intellectual context within which he was writing and living.

It’s a shame because the format was useful, it prevented me from simply rushing through the book once and going on to forget it all within a matter of months. If I didn’t have to write a response, I probably wouldn’t have gone back to re-read the Heraclitus chapter. It was in the re-reading that I really understood his ontological position, on first reading it went over my head, I’ve already gone over this in that chapter’s response. I don’t want to miss anything because of my own idiocy, and in so doing have wasted my time reading something; having this responsibility to myself to make sure I understand what I’m reading is important. Yet sometimes I really just don’t have anything interesting to say, even after going through a text (or collection of textual fragments) and making sure I’ve understood what’s written.

In this specific case, this chapter I’m meant to be responding to now, the issue is that despite there being a wealth of actual writing (this was the longest chapter so far), there was very little of what I would call philosophy. So this chapter goes backwards in time a little — so far we have been roughly moving forward chronologically from Thales’ time — back to around the same period that Xenophanes lived in. It does this I think because the intention is to now go down a separate strand of thought from the one that you can kind of see if you look back over who the book has covered so far. Heraclitus inspired Parmenides in a sense, Xenophanes also may have, and of course the later Eleatics were directly following on from Parmenides.

Pythagoras was the first person to call himself a philosopher apparently, I think I might have already written about this in an early segment of whatever this thing you’re reading should be called. Lover of Sophia, the sometimes feminine personification of knowledge, sometimes mere transliteration of the word in English. These things are complicated, things change over time. If nothing else that should be the one thing you take away from this post. Ugh, how presumptuous of me. I honestly don’t know why I’m writing this, my heart’s not in it any more. I haven’t lost my interest in philosophy, or even in sharing my own thoughts on it, but talking about the philosophy of others in this rigid way.

If you’re interested in understanding these thinkers, then you should be somewhere else, I’m losing sight of whatever value I thought this post might produce. I like the idea that other people like myself who haven’t yet read much philosophy might be inspired to learn more, but I want it to be clear that I also don’t know much. You’re not learning about what these people I’m responding to thought or wrote in much depth here. I’m incapable of — and therefore not attempting with this post to — explain what these people thought. I’m just responding to it, and also trying to briefly summarise only those areas of their thought which I at first found difficult to grasp or found particularly insightful/ interesting. For my own sake, but of course I publish this online because I hope people find it interesting or enjoyable to read.

Pythagoras was a man, he started what is essentially a cult. A mathematical cult, and therein lies the only real philosophical idea presented in this chapter. Oh, the Pythagorean cult had all kinds of interesting doctrines, a fascinating mish mash of Egyptian and Greek theological and proto-scientific ideas, but almost none of it is explored in this chapter. It’s really more historical, it read like Herodotus (perhaps because several of the testimonia are taken from The Histories) more than Heraclitus. This chapter is almost entirely testimonia, primarily from Aristotle as in other chapters, with only a few direct fragments from a man called Philolaus. Pythagoras himself never wrote anything, or at least none of what he wrote survives.

You probably know the name Pythagoras from his geometrical theorem which we were all taught in school, and they probably told you as well that in fact what the theorem explains (the square of the hypotenuse on a right angle triangle equals the sum of the squares of the other two lines) was discovered independently in other parts of the world. In Babylon almost a thousand years before Pythagoras’ time, in India around the same period of time, and in China probably a couple of centuries later. What probably wasn’t told to you, as it wasn’t to me and I found out only in this book, is that Pythagoras himself probably wasn’t the Greek who developed the theorem. Rather, it is much more likely to have been one of his followers, of which there were quite a few.

See, the Pythagorean cult seems to have completely rejected the idea of individuality. The members didn’t keep personal property but instead had a system of common ownership; and more interestingly would never take credit for any mathematical or other intellectual accomplishments, instead every development by a Pythagorean was attributed to “the master”, who perhaps they believed as existing within all of them in some sense. This is why Pythagoras has a list of attributed accomplishments which he couldn’t possibly have lived up to. Even in the fifth century, so during and immediately after his lifetime, I believe there were around 200 members of the Pythagorean cult. Among them several brilliant mathematical minds. Mathematics being crucial to the entire theology of the group, mathematicians were one of the highest ranks within the hierarchy.

I think this is the important legacy of the Pythagoreans, this focus on mathematics as the means by which Truth should be sought. Pure mathematics as a discipline is the legacy of the Pythagorean cult, the emphasis in academia on the importance of proofs, of all scientific theories needing to be explained mathematically, and this is of incredible importance. I actually think that what distinguishes the western tradition from eastern ones is this legacy. Even if perhaps some concepts in eastern philosophy might have gotten closer to some aspect of the Truth earlier, the metaphors and lack of rigour make them flimsy and at risk of being lost or forgotten. Any fool can talk about their idea of what Divinity or God is, I’ve done that on this blog.

I honestly believe that mathematical ability and interest is a better indicator of the intelligence and worth of a person than IQ, though I don’t doubt the things correlate quite positively anyway. I of course floundered and failed in following that path, at the very earliest stages, and while I haven’t ever had my IQ tested I don’t expect it would be impressive at all, so you can be sure this belief isn’t motivated by my own ego. There’s this weird cope by self described mystics and “metaphysicians” of attempting to denigrate the best minds in modern physics and science, because of the purely materialist worldview that is so prevalent among people in those fields.

And yes that is a concerning thing that I hope changes — a reconciliation of philosophy and science — but I just think it’s worth noting that all the brilliant minds are trending towards the S and M in STEM (unfortunate phrasing?) rather than the mystic/ quasi-religious subjects I find myself interested in lately. If there is going to be a change it would be because of a change in this culture, which would encourage the scientists to once again take up an interest in philosophy and theology rather than the world’s schizos (gnostics, neoplatonists, occultists, hermeticists, etc etc etc.) taking up a genuine interest in mathematics. They already play around with numbers and letters for the aesthetic prestige of course, but it is a LARP.

There’s a really good passage in The Book of Disquiet where Pessoa, who himself had a period of great interest in these subjects, explains the same thing I’m trying to get at very succinctly.

What really shocks me is how these wizards and masters of the invisible, when they write to communicate or intimate their mysteries, all write abominably. It offends my intelligence that a man can master the Devil without being able to master the Portuguese language. Why should dealing with demons be easier than dealing with grammar?

It’s just an unfortunate fact that a lot of really stupid people are attracted to this sort of thing, because they failed to succeed in academia, like myself but at least I’m self aware. Most people I think are attracted to this stuff because they think they will one day be well regarded for their own contributions, I have no such delusion keeping me going. I’m just looking to learn, because while there are plenty of fools and egotists who should be avoided, there is clearly some importance to what we might broadly call esotericism, as well as standard accepted philosophy which this post is about. Many of the geniuses of history took an interest in these subjects, and even today a lot of very important and powerful people are influenced by this stuff, though that isn’t something they might wish to make known.

This is why I don’t like the attribution of the term genius to artists. Geniuses make breakthroughs in the quest for truth and understanding, artists — while some may be highly intelligent — have a different role from that one. Does anyone seriously think any oft described artistic genius is in the same category as Aristotle, Descartes, or Einstein? Actually if you want an example of who I would describe as an almost archetypal/ platonic genius, I would say Niels Bohr fits that description best. Which isn’t to say artists or bardic types aren’t both necessary and highly impressive figures (the best of them that is), they’re just not “geniuses”. It’s in fact quite detrimental for the art they create, and in turn everyone who might experience their works, to feed their ego so. To put my point in crude terms, there is no such thing as a genius who isn’t good at maths.

I think this is Pythagoras’ legacy, or at least the legacy of the Pythagorean cult and it’s doctrines, this idea that you can essentially simplify and understand the world in purely mathematical terms. Which still exists today in this search for the “theory of everything” that Physics is meant to be pursuing, I remember reading one of Steven Hawking’s books for normies (the same year I failed in my education actually) on science once and he really stressed the point that in his mind the goal of science is to eventually develop a single theory that can explain everything about the physical world. The Pythagoreans went one step further, they saw a kind of metaphysical importance in numbers also.

Aristotle writes that they attributed numbers to everything, including abstract concepts. That is, they believed that certain numbers literally were a kind of pure form of things like “justice”, “hopefulness”, “reason”, which I can only assume directly influenced Plato’s idea of the forms. The number one to the Pythagoreans represented, among other things, Unity and the Monad. Yes, the Pythagoreans were monists too, though not monotheistic because they did still believe in the in-world pantheon of Greek gods. They also associated the various Greek gods with certain numbers, of course, Athena for example was linked to the number seven. Unfortunately there is very little (almost none at all) of the reasoning behind these associations that has been preserved in writing.

They had all kinds of interesting beliefs which were quite remarkable for their time and place, they believed in: reincarnation/ metempsychosis, a heliocentric model of the cosmos, that music could be understood in mathematical terms. There’s no point in me just explaining what the book says though, and anyway it’s a very minimal introduction to the topic. There is so much you could read on Pythagoreanism, in the fifth century alone, that isn’t included in this small chapter. I don’t think I will be doing that any time soon myself, but who knows how things will pan out. I just want to finish this book.

Anaxagoras of Clazomenae

It seems I was incorrect when I said in the last part that the book seemed to be returning to an earlier point in history — it had been going roughly chronologically until that point — in order to now follow a different strand of philosophical thought in the classical Greek world than what we had been sticking with so far. Instead it seems that going back to look at Pythagoreanism was just a detour, with Anaxagoras we’re back following the same trajectory of thought that the book has been following so far. Obviously Pythagoreanism is connected to this general trend of thought I’m not saying it’s entirely distinct, in fact the monistic aspect of that tradition may have played a crucial role in the trend towards that kind of thinking that — as this book seems to exist to document — began to proliferate among the intellectuals and thinkers of the early classical Greek world.

Anaxagoras seemed to have had a lot of ideas, kind of like Thales he was apparently famed in his day as a sort of “wise man” figure (various scientific discoveries attributed to him), but one of his primary influences was Parmenides. He wrote on various subjects apparently, but as with basically all of the men in this book most of what he wrote is lost, only fragments remain. Of course it’s a shame, it always is, but in Anaxagoras’ case I don’t think it’s a total tragedy. He was quite a boring figure, at least if what writing of his does survive is representative of his thinking overall. And maybe I’m just failing to or misunderstanding him, but I find that his ideas don’t make much sense. He accepts some of Parmenides’ assertions, but rejects his conclusions, and annoyingly never explains why. He never says where along the line of reasoning that Parmenides’ goes through in On Nature that he stops agreeing with him, nor does he explain why.

He’s in the same category as the Milesians, and a few others in this book, in that a lot of his surviving writing at least is dedicated to this idea that the world is reducible to some initial elementary substance or small number of substances. Water for Thales, the boundless for Anaximander, air for Anaximenes, and some say fire for Heraclitus — though I think in Heraclitus’ case people are misinterpreting his point by taking him so literally. As for Anaxagoras, it’s hard to tell exactly how many, but he believed that there are several fundamental substances, which later philosophers like Aristotle refer to as homoeomeries. Everything that exists, or at least everything physical/ tangible, is in his view some composite of these homoeomeries. Or seeds, as he metaphorically refers to them, because within them they contain the blueprints for everything that exists.

So Anaxagoras accepts Parmenides’ assertion that there can be no such thing as nothingness, or non-being, but he rejects the total monism. This is where I take issue with him because he makes a lot of assertions without really explaining why, or perhaps the explanatory portion of his work on this subject is lost, we just don’t know. Parmenides said, as I’ve already gone over, that the idea of plurality is impossible because if there is no nothingness, there cannot be space between things. There can’t be change either, because that would require the impossible plurality of things to cross a nothingness. A nothingness which of course Parmenides rejected the very idea of.

When I was reading Parmenides for the first time my thought was, couldn’t it be said that whatever we see as just the space between objects is a something. Couldn’t it be the case that there is a plurality, but everything observable is touched by something else at every possible part of it’s surface area? The illusion therefore, is only that there is space between things, rather than that there are multiple things at all. It would also get around the issue of death or disintegration/ dissolution, and this I did give my thoughts on already in the section on Parmenides. He says that there can be no end to things, no change in something’s state, because if that happened it would leave behind empty space/ nothingess, which again is impossible according to him. Within this framework though, it’s not impossible that the changing form or end of something is actually just the loss of some of it’s parts and the moving in of others.

Parmenides’ vision of the universe is often represented as a sphere, one solid block of substance which never changes or moves, something completely static. To visualise the point I’m trying to make, think of the inside of the sphere as looking kind of like a lava lamp. Anyway, I kind of went on a tangent but my point is that the only way that I can make sense of Anaxagoras’ cosmogony is if he was also viewing things in a similar way as that. Which he very well could have been, there is a short fragment which I think implies he does (I’ll quote it below this paragraph), but it’s not completely clear if that is his meaning. How else do you reconcile your belief in multiple things and the rejection of non-being though? I don’t know, I can’t think of any other way, though I am a brainlet admittedly.

The items of the universe, which is one, are not separate from one another nor cut off from one another with an axe, neither the warm from the cold nor the cold from the warm.

After this there’s a fair bit of writing, as always fragmentary, dedicated to explaining how all things have some mixture of these seeds/ homoeomeries, of course each thing being defined by the ratio which makes it. Different mixtures lead to different kinds of things, it all follows fairly simply from his initial premise, if you accept it. I’m not going to really talk about that stuff much, it’s interesting sure — there’s one fragment in particular which seems to imply Anaxagoras thought there were multiple worlds with different kinds of people on them, which is interesting but not written about in much detail — but kind of dull for me to just repeat here. As I’m sure is becoming boring to see repeated, this post isn’t just a recounting of what I’ve read. I’m trying to give my, in some case very brief, responding thoughts.

There’s one more little thing that I found quite interesting in Anaxagoras’ philosophy that I had some thoughts of my own about however, before I finish writing and update this post, and that is this idea he has of Mind. Mind is the force which essentially governs the dispersal and spread of the seeds, you might say that it is the order that can be found within the seeming chaos of reality, or you might say it is the ultimate principle behind the chaos of plurality and change which disobeys the order exemplified by Parmenides’ One or “Being”. Hmm, sounds a little bit familiar doesn’t it? At least, it does to me, I really can’t see any substantive difference between what Anaxagoras refers to as “Mind” and Heraclitus’ Logos. Well, other than one rather crucial difference, by referring to this thing as Mind there is an important implication.

By giving the Logos the name Mind, it grants it a kind of intelligence, consciousness even. It is no longer some kind of soulless force, the wild wind, it is something with agency. In fact, as a determinist I’d say it’s possibly the only thing with agency, it’s therefore not just another thing in the world but the most important thing. The ultimate governing force of the universe, the expression of divine will if you accept the idea of divinity. Anaxagoras, despite having a seemingly very similar response to Parmenides as myself, explicitly doesn’t grant this Mind divinity. I am not so sure, I’m not sure if I believe in divinity at all, but if I did then Logos would be it’s expression in the material world. It’s worth noting as well I think, that Anaxagoras must have at least known that contemporaries of his certainly did talk about similar ideas and were willing to consider them divine in some sense. Something to think about.

Empedocles of Acragas

Empedocles is a little like Anaxagoras in that he also believes in several original or primary substances. He thought there were four, and as I’m sure I don’t need to tell anyone, the idea of the “four elements” is something which had a huge influence on western thought and imagination. Even today, with our much more nuanced scientific understanding of matter — the idea of the four “””elements”””, this kind of loose colloquial concept and yet also literary/ poetic imagery — we still hold on to it. And that’s what I’m realising as I go through this book, perhaps also influenced by my recent explorations of poetry. I’m finally at the beginning of understanding what it is that so many love, and have loved, about this thing called verse. That’s not what I’m here to write about today though. I have an actual point to make, I think, part of one at least.

See, you take these very intelligent, wise, old men, and place them in a dark room. They’ll scramble about, scratch at the walls; and in their fumbling they will stumble upon truths.. half truths at least. Truths not quite understood though, and therein lies the problem. Along with this, many and more equally well understood falsities will they have to present when their time spent seeking is over. I suppose, arguably, they never stop, but for the sake of a metaphor humour me. I’m reading this book now, not so much as philosophy but as cultural exploration. Not that the ideas themselves aren’t interesting (Heraclitus especially, in fact he’s something of an exception here because his rather holistic philosophical outlook is truly valuable and still worth considering today in my opinion), but most of them are most useful when viewed as part of the western cultural backdrop more so than for what they are in and of themselves.

These are the ideas which stuck, because for whatever reason they resonated with those inclined to thought and artistic expression. There’s this idea as well, in the study of population genetics, of the founder effect; which is where a small group or even just an individual has a huge genetic impact just thanks to being in a new place early on. His genes spread widely throughout a population even if he wasn’t necessarily particularly reproductively successful in his own lifetime. Kind of. Logos in action again, as if it’s ever in any other state of being (than being) haha. These early thinkers are similar in a sense, they are relevant today because of a kind of intellectual founder effect, their thinking heavily directed the trajectory of western thought. Which is where the value in reading them lies, ultimately, you’re going to the source. At the very least getting much closer, to a source, they in turn have influences and so on of course. Human thought is a super memeplex.

So there’s that, and of course there is no doubt much which didn’t stick — and was lost — but here we are today with what remains, with what did. So, we should concern ourselves with that, as this stupid blog post which only halted my intellectual progress in the end serves to do. Ah, but lately I have been reading a lot, again not what I should be talking about here, heh. I’m thinking maybe I should stop, with this post actually, I just don’t have a lot to say about the ideas themselves in many cases. It’s clear I presume in reading, which few thinkers collected in this book actually inspired great thinking in me, and which I felt forced to cover despite having little to say. I want to finish this book, I want to pick it up, and just read the damn thing, because sometimes I don’t have anything to say. And sometimes I do, perhaps I will add to this post (will sticky if I do as always) but it’s very likely I won’t. Of course, what ever does inspire me you can expect to see the influence of in my other writing.

Books: Part 11

I’m going to start this entry by talking about The Killing Joke, a one shot graphic novel written by Alan Moore that tells what is probably the most well known story featuring the character of The Joker. See I recently wrote a post on this blog praising the film Joker, which features the character (kinda), in fact it was the second longest post I’ve uploaded so far. Now for anyone who’s read this graphic novel, you’ll have noticed the small influence that it had on the film. Indeed in the various threads on /tv/ quite a few people were quick to point out where the film was inspired by this story. Now I’d argue that the film is much more sophisticated than this comic. The film simply took some elements from the comic books, but mostly used the name and aesthetics of the character of “The Joker” to bring in a bigger audience for what is actually an entirely original film.

Indeed the film is simply called “Joker”, and the character of Arthur Fleck (a name entirely made up for this film, not one taken from any comic book) never refers to himself nor is referred to by any other character as The Joker at any point during the film. He is Arthur, and early on his clown name is Carnival, then later he becomes merely Joker (there is no “the”) when he puts the costume and make up on towards the end. The colour scheme and make up he uses in the film is also quite unlike that of the comic book character of The Joker as well, a bright red suit rather than the iconic green and purple. The comic book character is in most cases not depicted wearing make up either, rather his pale skin, bright red lips and green hair are a disfigurement from being dropped in some chemical substance.

Sure it is still a “comic book movie” ultimately, it was put out by DC Comics’ movie studio, but it really doesn’t feel like it. It honestly feels like they took an already existing but unused script, something which pedowood has in excess I’m sure, and then just tacked on the comic book elements. All the references were completely superficial, surface level, I think I may have actually already said this in that post I wrote about the film. Instead of a generic mental hospital it’s Arkham Asylum, instead of a generic rich old guy archetype it’s Thomas Wayne, and so on. Indeed the only similarities that are any deeper than that that I can think of, are the plot elements and ideas which are taken from the story The Killing Joke.

Like the film, The Killing Joke also tells something of an origin story for the character, although contrary to popular belief it’s actually not the first time an origin story was attempted. In fact the story being told in TKJ (which is something of a side plot, mostly told in flashbacks, until it all comes together in the final sequence) that The Joker was the Red Hood (initially an old batman villain from the 50s) before being transformed into the Joker character we all know is as old as the character himself almost. What’s funny is that TKJ is really where this idea or meme that The Joker has no real concrete background in the DC universe canon started. The line “If I’m going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice”, is from this book.

Now you might think that me being able to recall all this trivia about comic book characters is rather “cringe”, surely someone my age really should have moved on from reading picture books about men in coloured tights and capes. And I have, it’s been a long while since I read any superhero comic books. Really since the age of about 16. I have forgotten a good 90% of the useless information I once would have been able to recite on cue about the thousands of characters from the two fictional universes presented in most Marvel and DC comic books, and that’s a good thing. I have replaced that useless trivia with useless trivia about ancient history and religion like a good grown up.

In recent months though, following a decision to include my graphic novels in this series, I’ve been skimming through them all while thinking about what I might say in the post (or several) about them that I write, and naturally this has jogged my memory somewhat. Now not all of my graphic novels are capeshit, indeed in that post just linked I mentioned purchasing a copy of The Incal by Jodorowsky and Moebius. I don’t have any problem with the comic book medium as a rule, in fact quite the opposite I think it has a lot of potential and there are loads of thought provoking and beautiful looking comics to find out there already. I’ll be talking about some of them in a future entry, today the subject is superheroes though.

See I’d say a good two thirds of the graphic novels I own are capeshit, and that’s just the graphic novels, I’m not going to be talking about the piles of actual indiviudal comic books I have. If I did that this series would never end. Now in fact most of the “graphic novels” I have are actually just reprint collections of stories that were initially published in serialised form comic books. So technically they aren’t graphic novels they’re trade paperbacks, but everyone just calls them graphic novels and I will also for the sake of simplicity. However I believe The Killing Joke is actually a graphic novel proper, and wasn’t ever released in serial format. Which brings me back to the subject I started out writing this post about, the similarities between this book and the film that recently came out.

Most significantly is the idea that the character’s memory about his past, about how he got to become the character we all know, is something that can’t be trusted. Indeed this story is so influential that in various reviews and discussions about the film I watched before I went to write my own response I heard this factoid repeated as criticism. “This film is silly, the whole point of The Joker is that he doesn’t have a backstory”, totally shallow and uninteresting take but exactly what I should have expected from most of these people. I mean, most of the videos I found were from the kind of “self proclaimed nerd” nu-male faggots who’ve made an entire career mindlessly droning on about the latest shitty Avengers movie. There’s no interest in what the film has to say, or is trying to do, just whining about how it’s not like the comic books.

I can’t say anymore because I will get drawn into a several thousand word tangent about these literal NPCs, but I’m sure you know who I’m talking about. I was looking for discussion about the film on it’s own terms, but so many people were just looking to see how it compared to the source material. Which doesn’t really make much sense to me, because I believe the film really owes very little to any actual depiction of the character in comic books as I’ve already said multiple times. In fact there was even a quote from the director that was posted in one of the /joker/ threads on /tv/ (that might be made up, but would be big if true) where he talked about how comic book movies were trash and he was just taking advantage of the name recognition to get more people to see his film.

Indeed Martin Scorsese (the director of Taxi Driver and The King of Comedy) was considering directing Joker for a while before the man who ended up directing it, a guy called Todd Philips, took the position. I wonder if the script was already decided, or if it would have been different and the influence from those two movies was put in the script after Scorsese himself left the project. Either way, it’s just kind of funny because Scorsese has recently been in the news for saying that comic book movies are not real cinema. Or something to that effect. Interesting given the timing, and his involvement with Joker which I actually see as kind of an anti “comic book movie” movie in a way.

Quite a large portion of my entry on the film was about how it managed to create this feeling of doubt with the medium in some very clever ways. The way it made you feel like you couldn’t trust the very events unfolding in front of you being one of those ways. The Killing Joke doesn’t really do that, it just has that famous multiple choice line after a series of pretty reliable seeming flashbacks, as if to throw them into doubt retroactively. TKJ was incredibly influential, as I said this idea that the character’s history is murky and impossible to ever know started here and batgirl gets shot leading to her being depicted as wheelchair bound for twenty years following the publishing of this story. It wasn’t until this film though, that something actually interesting and meaningful was done with that idea. Before this film, the ambiguity of The Joker was just some more of that useless trivia I was talking about before.

Now The Joker is one of the more famous comic book characters, most people on the planet would probably recognise him. You go to a third world country like Bangladesh or Vietnam and even people there would probably recognise a picture of him, thanks to the films and the old batman TV show. He is an icon, and until pretty recently that was really only true for a handful of comic book characters. Batman, The Hulk, Superman, Spiderman, etc. Now though, thanks to the very marvel movies Scorsese has been shitting on recently, many much more obscure characters that only losers like me knew about a decade ago are becoming household names.

It’s quite weird to see it happen actually, these superheroes have very suddenly become completely mainstream. In fact the tipping point, the release of the first Avengers film, was about the time that I began to lose interest in those films and comic books more generally speaking. I remember the hype and build up for that film lasting years. I think the first of these films, Iron Man, came out in 2008. And so that is four years of set up which feels much longer when you’re 11 years old than when you’re in your 20s. Yet by the time the film came out, I was really over it. I went to see the film, but I didn’t really enjoy it that much. At this point the films still felt kind of empty compared to the actual comics they were inspired by, it’s really only after this first major team up film came out that they went into overdrive releasing several films a year all with cameo appearances and also with much less well known characters.

Of course as I said a few of them (the ones who were given TV shows or films like Batman, The Hulk, Spiderman and a couple others) have been major pop culture icons for decades, but there are thousands of these characters. Thanks to the success of the recent “marvel cinematic universe”, whatever you may think about it, these once obscure characters are now all entering the popular culture. Now I don’t really like most of the films in this MCU project/ series or whatever you want to call it, they have this awful shitty American humour that I just don’t find funny most of the time and just like the overwhelming majority of actual comic book stories from Marvel I just don’t think they have anything interesting to say. They’re kind of mindless, and I’m not against escapism or fiction that exists simply to entertain but these films aren’t even that entertaining.

Some are, I think Guardians of the Galaxy 2 was really clever and actually funny and Ant Man used a song from The Cure which was cool, but overall these films just feel very empty. I haven’t seen all of them to be fair, but I’ve seen quite a few because my friend always invites me to go see the major ones and I was really interested during the first “phase” in this project. The ones I have seen though just feel kind of soulless, like a product designed in a board room rather than a work of art. I generally agree with Scorsese, these MCU films and DC’s far less successful attempt at a similar project aren’t cinema. Sam Raimi’s Spiderman films from the early 2000s are, Ang Lee’s Hulk is, whether you think they’re good or bad they are genuine films that simply use a famous character from a comic book.

The one thing that I have to say though, is that with these new MCU films they’ve recreated the experience I had when I was regularly reading comic books as a young teenager, in a way that all the one off films that have been made over the decades never did. Me and my friend would go to this big megastore in the centre of the city every Friday after school just to hang out in the comic book section when we were like 13 or 14 years old. It was one of the few shops where you could get the actual genuine thing, local shops only sold reprints of American comics that were years out of date. Reading the new releases every Friday, it was like returning to this other universe and you could forget about real life. I first became friends with this guy because we would swap comic books actually, so I kind of owe that friendship to them.

These MCU films, they’re more like a comic book or graphic novel than a film. They’re incredibly self referential and all build on one another, you go to see whatever the next release is without ever having seen any of them before and you’ll be completely lost. The characters all appear in one another’s films, and then they often all appear together in these special big events every few years. Whatever you may say about them, it’s really quite interesting how they’ve managed to recreate this experience that I thought was really something that only worked in the comic book medium on film. I originally intended to make this post about normies moving into a niche space, but in thinking about it it’s more a case of a niche space moving into normies, if that makes sense.

This post would have had a pretty cynical tone if I had stuck to the original plan, but I’m actually getting a little nostalgic. I did used to love comic books, I would think about them all the time. It wasn’t just a thing relegated to Friday after school, me and that friend would also talk about them constantly in every class, and at break too. We’d hang out in the library during lunch near the graphic novel section, and then go to the public library after school often and do the same thing. Every night we’d be looking up obscure information on wikis to share with one another the next day, it actually got a little competitive as we would try to one up another regarding who knew more. It was kind of obsessive looking back, but those were some of the happiest days of my life.

What really started it, was when my dad gave me this huge book in 2008 (or maybe 2009) as a birthday present. At this point I hadn’t yet become friends with the guy talked about above (who is one of my few friends that remains to this day), we knew one another because we hung out in the same group in the playground but never spoke much, and I was reading those re-releases that were a few years out of date you got from the local shops and graphic novels from the school library. It’s called Marvel Chronicle, and it is essentially a year by year retrospective which documents the evolution of the company and the world they built. It covers every major storyline, and every new character introduced, all in chronological order. I loved it, it took me months to get through it all and I would spend hours reading through it some days. I haven’t picked it up in years though, I think the last time I even opened it was probably six or seven years ago.

It really revealed this whole new world to me, just as I was going into the second year of secondary school. I was good friends with two other boys in that first year, but because of my bad behaviour I was taken away from the main school and kept in this unit for behavioural correction for half a year. So when I got back, those two friends had completely stopped talking to one another because I wasn’t there to hold the three of us together and we were deliberately kept in separate classes. Then one of them got expelled anyway that same year, a bit later on. So I was really without friends for the first time, and I’d just go to the library to escape into the Marvel universe. It was in the library that I found this new group of kids, and gradually ended up becoming part of that group myself. Which is how I met the two friends I still have to this day.

It really felt like there was just so much to get lost in, a whole incredibly complex continuity to follow. A canon, not unlike a mythic canon for ancient religions actually. I mean there is some truth to what I’ve heard a few people say about how these films are almost giving people the same thing that ancient myths and legends gave to people in antiquity. I’d argue that most ancient myths have a lot more hidden esoteric meaning, but it’s not like there is no moral value whatsoever to these big blockbuster comic book films coming out today. There is definitely a case to be made that these modern films are the modern equivalent to the tales of Perseus and the Minotaur, or Bellerophon and Pegasus, or Heracles and the twelve labours. Someone more intelligent than me can make that case though, in fact they already have I’ve read a few articles like that.

Now both of the big two (Marvel and DC) have a non-canon line, and in my opinion most of the few genuinely great works connected to these companies are in these, but I’m going to go through the graphic novels I have that are in those non canon series in a separate entry. The best way to describe the stories that these elseworlds/ what if? comics tell, would be to make another comparison to the recent film Joker actually. Think about what I said about how the version of the character was nothing like the comic book character, and how the film was essentially an original work. That’s what a lot of these alternate universe stories are like, the writers and artists are much more free and unconstrained and because of this you actually get something kind of thought provoking in many cases.

So I’m going to be getting rid of all of the canon graphic novels I own from both DC and Marvel, which are pictured in the header. I wanted to use this shitty fan made wallpaper I set for my dad’s laptop back when I still had to go and visit him where he lived, but I couldn’t find it. It was just the first thing I found on google images at the time, but now I search and there’s loads of really professional wallpapers, ones that have been drawn by actual comic book artists. The one I used looked like someone simply did a cut and paste of various images onto a purple background, it was totally amateur but it had a certain charm. I’m not saying that comic books were particularly niche in 2008 when I was reading them, they were already a growing thing, but compared to what they are today they were still kind of seen as something for losers/ nerds. Back when nerd meant a socially awkward young boy and not a thot in a slutty cosplay outfit.

So, I have less than I thought when they’re all laid out like this. I did actually already threw quite a few away a few years ago I forgot about that, but I have no idea why I kept all these green lantern ones. I have literally got nothing to say about them, they looked really pretty I suppose. Incredibly colourful, that is what initially drew me to that character. The same goes for those two red hulk graphic novels, that was a new character they added exactly around the time I was first starting to get into comic books actually. That’s what I was looking for back then, I had simple tastes. Does it look pretty, are the fights cool, stuff like that. I’ve already talked about The Killing Joke, not much else to say there. The version I had was recoloured actually, and I’ve seen what the original colouring looked like and I think it looked better before actually.

Days of Future Past is a classic X-Men story, which was told over issues 138 through 143 of Uncanny X-Men. You may have heard of the film of the same name, which I imagine told a similar story though I never saw that one. Then I have a reprint collection of the first twenty issues of Tales of Suspense which feature Iron Man, first released in the 60s. If you had actual original copies of these you might be able to make some real money with them, but the comics themselves are pretty boring. Quite a few characters who are major figures in these new MCU films were introduced in these issue though, which I found pretty cool at the time. Lastly I have a similar reprint collection of Hulk stories, in this case not just the first twenty but a similar number of classics featuring the character from over the decades. From the first time the character ever appeared in the 60s, through to a story from the early 2000s.

I don’t really have any problem getting rid of all of these ones I just went through, the only one I’m having a hard time deciding to let go of is this giant “Marvel Chronicle” tome. I know that I should though, there’s no good reason to hang onto it anymore. I’m going to take it to the charity shop, at least maybe some other kid will get to take it home and maybe get the same enjoyment out of it that I did. This post is tonally all over the place, it’s ended up going in a completely different direction than I originally planned. I hope you’ll forgive me nostalgiafagging so much this week, I will be back to my usual bitter self next time.

Link to Part 10

Link to Part 12