How to bee urself and influence people

I’m gonna be talking about Joker, the film that recently came out, so this post will make a whole lot more sense if you’ve already seen the film. And you should see it, it’s really good. I’ll be talking about various plot points and things that happen, as well as the ideas the film brings up, so it’ll probably be hard to follow along if you haven’t seen it. This is not a review, and there’s a whole lot I’d like to say about this film that I won’t be able to fit in this post without it being a complete mess. I could easily write multiple entries about various aspects of this film. I’m seriously considering a second one, but I might change my mind. The entire clown protest plotline has much more to it than there might initially seem to be.

A lot of people seem to think it’s just a generic or even cynical depiction of civil unrest and therefore there’s nothing interesting being said there. I disagree, I think in part that generic-ness is the point actually but I’d need to elaborate on that to really explain myself. So clearly I’m just not going to be able to say everything I want to in this entry, but I’ve been quite “active” in the many threads on /tv/ over the last week or so, so just check out those because there’s been some really great discussion in there. Shocking I know, it turns out that /tv/ isn’t total trash.

Now this blog doesn’t really have a topic, it’s kind of miscellaneous for the most part, but there is one theme you could say that generally can be felt from my writings here so far. I guess you could call it the experience of the loner/ robot, I don’t know if I’d go so far as to call this an “incel blog” because I don’t really like that term very much, but I recognise the utility of it. Far more people have heard of the term “incel” than “robot”, it gives me more normie appeal, ironically. I talk about whatever interests me, philosophy and music and so on, but because I am a bit of a recluse and I also talk about my own experiences there is a certain “vibe” to this blog. So I’m going to talk about how the film relates to that, how it resonates with me and people like me, and why. I’ll talk about some of the other aspects of the film to some degree, but in order too keep some kind of through-line I’ll have to restrict myself somewhat. Maybe I’ll write more about this film in future, we’ll see.

See the final act of Joker is so well done, and I can’t stop thinking about it. Of course, the whole film is fantastic and I loved it, but it’s really in the third act that the film truly comes into it’s own. There’s a lot of set up beforehand, and I’ll try and talk about that too, but where this film stands out amongst the various films it’s clearly heavily inspired by is in how it ends. You’ve probably seen all the criticisms about how it’s too similar to Taxi Driver and The King of Comedy, and it’s true that the film is perhaps a little more than simply an homage to those two films. The plot of Joker is like an amalgamation of the plots from both of them, and the aesthetic similarities are impossible to miss, but I think that those things are rather superficial. The underlying message of Joker, the people it is intended to appeal to, that’s where this film differs.

Sure, Taxi Driver is about a loner and the experience of alienation and The King of Comedy is about a guy who feels ignored and dismissed by society, but Arthur Fleck is quite different to both of those characters. Arthur Fleck really is almost a perfect representation of this particular modern archetype of “the incel“, it’s actually quite concerning how much I can relate to this character. He’s not simply a loner, he’s a mentally ill loner that society abandoned and treated like trash, in his own words. The way this film differs is in how the actions he takes, particularly during the final act, are presented. In Taxi Driver the shootout at the brothel is meant to show the final step in Travis Bickle’s self destruction, and the kidnapping and stand up performance at the end of TKoC is meant to be seen by the audience as a despicable act.

Taxi Driver is about how lack of social relationships can damage someone, but you’re not really meant to be rooting for Travis Bickle when he goes to kill the men at the brothel. TKoC is about how the media props up awful people, which is why the main character is rewarded for what he does in the end. You can almost see Robert DeNiro’s character in Joker actually, Murray Franklin, as someone his character from TKoC could have ended up becoming. Murray is deliberately not very funny by the way, his jokes are meant to be corny (super cats!) and the “APPLAUD” signs are highlighted for a reason in the film. Arthur’s jokes on the other hand, are actually quite amusing, but totally fall flat. So you could even say that Joker is continuing that message, as well as making the point at the same time that what’s actually funny isn’t important, society decides who’s funny before you can even make a joke.

Anyway as I was saying, in comparison to those two films you are actually meant to feel good about the ending of Joker. It’s basic cinematic language, everything from the music that’s played at various points in the final act to the bright colours in contrast to the dingy look of the earlier parts of the film, as well as Joaquin Phoenix’s portrayal of the character with his open and carefree body language. These are all there to show that this is a positive moment. Joker’s ending is triumphant, and unapologetically so. Which is interesting, because other than a few details the final sequence is basically very similar to a mass shooting. At least if you understand what a mass shooting really is. Arthur is exactly the kind of person who would either do something like that, or fantasise about it.

Speaking of fantasy, this is really what a significant amount of the discussion of the film is about. There’s all kinds of theories about whether he imagined some or all of the events of the film, or if he’s remembering but not quite accurately, and so on. And as interesting as that is, I think any attempt to figure out what “really happened” and what was “in his head” is kind of pointless. It’s fun to talk about, I’ve enjoyed watching the many arguments on /tv/ about it to be sure, but I do think that it’s deliberately impossible to ever figure out. I think all of those various theories are meant to be equally plausible, and I also think that such theorising is intended as well. That’s the point of the relationship with the neighbour woman being revealed to be imaginary, as well as the sequence early on where Arthur fantasises about being a guest on Murray’s show.

They’re both there to show that he is someone who deals with delusions, maladaptive daydreaming, dissociation and so on. To show us that it’s an absolute certainty that some of the events in the film are in his head, and therefore plant the seed that anything else could be as well. There’s more to both the relationship scenes and the scene early on where he imagines being on the show of course, but that is a primary purpose for both of them as they relate to the film as a whole. I think another interesting thing about the Murray scene for example is to show that Arthur really is quite a wholesome and good natured person at first. I mean, the “nice guy” persona can’t be simply a façade if it’s actually the most noticeable in his daydreams.

It’s almost like exactly what I was talking about in my entry about The Little Prince, and this other post, where I discussed how I’ve always had this desire to not simply appear but truly be innocent and I guess kind of childlike. Maybe even naïve in a way, or cherubic. Is it starting to make sense why I loved this film so much? It’s like it covered everything I’ve talked about in this blog and that I find myself thinking about in my free time. I know that it’s a major pedowood production, it’s going to make hundreds of millions of dollars, but it really feels like this film was made for me. It touches so many of the things that define my life. I’m worried that this entry is going to just end up with me linking to everything else I’ve ever written, because it just hits every single issue I talk about on here. There’s so much in this film, if I wanted I could probably write an entire post about each scene.

Anyway I kind of got off track, so there are people who think that every scene is “in his head” other than the very last where he’s talking to the psychiatrist in the asylum, and he’s telling her the story in that scene. Or some people think that everything after he gets taken off the medication is a delusion, and some say he really did steal the sign himself and the very first scene of the film can’t even be trusted. I’ve heard that the scene where he kills those guys in self defence on the train is the point where he starts imagining things, or remembering wrongly. I’ve heard that maybe everything after he puts the make-up on is imaginary. Someone said that maybe he got caught in that scene where he steals the documents about his mother in the asylum, and from that point on he’s just making the story up to the psychiatrist after being locked up in Arkham.

I’ve also heard it suggested that there is no specific turning point, but that there are more scenes that are delusions than the ones we know for sure to be fantasy simply peppered throughout the film, and of course there are various different ideas about which ones those are. Basically, every single scene in the film gives you some reason to doubt it. On the second viewing (I went to see it a second time, and I’m considering trying to go one more time) having had the time to think about all of this, you really do feel this constant uncertainty throughout the entire experience. It’s a defining characteristic of the movie, and you may see where I’m going with this. I can’t think of any other films that have done such a great job of creating this effect with the medium. It’s incredibly well done, and there’s more too.

There are a quite a few things that happen in the story that usually I would dismiss as simply plot holes, but I actually think in this case they may have been deliberate. Again, to further create this uncertainty or doubt which just emanates from this film throughout. For example, we know that Arthur’s mother was institutionalised for allowing Arthur to be abused by her boyfriend and also for showing the exact same tendencies as Arthur when it comes to delusions by imagining this secret love affair with Thomas Wayne which produced Arthur. Yet the documents prove that Arthur was adopted, so he isn’t the son of Thomas Wayne. Then you start to think, if he’s adopted how can he have inherited the same delusional tendencies and other mental illnesses from his mother.

This is why a lot of people theorise that Thomas Wayne actually managed to get documents forged saying Arthur is adopted, and Arthur actually is his illegitimate son. He’s certainly a very powerful man, who could have something like that done. There are indeed a few clues left to imply that there really was an affair, and that Wayne had Arthur’s mother put in the asylum to shut her up, like the signed note from him on the photo which is written in different handwriting to how she writes his initials on the letter. It’s very conspiratorial though, it’s far more likely that Arthur was simply adopted. These are just more seeds of doubt, planted to further make you feel like you can’t trust anything you’re seeing.

This film is like a jigsaw puzzle, but several of the pieces have been damaged or broken so that every time you think you’re starting to piece it together you realise something is simply “off” and you can’t quite place it. The answer is just out of reach, and everything seems mostly normal but clearly it’s going terribly wrong for the main person involved. Now, in my Addenda post which I wrote around the time of the one year anniversary of starting this blog I talked about exactly this. This feeling of doubt or uncertainty is something that follows me around constantly, my ability to even trust the reality around me has slowly got worse over the years in parallel with my increasing level of isolation. This film has actually recreated one of the defining parts of my life, in it’s own way.

That entry was a response to loads of previous posts I’d written over the first year since starting this project, so I don’t suggest you read it unless you’re one of my long term readers (which most of the people reading this won’t be as I intend to link this entry on /tv/ and maybe /r9k/ as well) here as it will make no sense. Actually I don’t really expect many people to click on any of the links in this post, I’m just including them because it’s a useful way to show why this film resonated with me so much. It’s probably the same for a lot of the people who likes this film, even if they’re not as conscious of it they are able to intuit a lot of the things I’m talking about here. So think of the links in this post like a literary technique rather than something you’re implored to click on, but if you want to that’s great too. I’m always happy to make new friends.

Speaking of losing touch with reality, there’s another scene in the film which relates to this that I found really interesting. Actually, it’s one line in particular that Arthur says that I’m really talking about. It’s during the second visit with the therapist, who unfortunately is one of the characters who didn’t get what she deserved. He says “some days I’m not even sure I exist”. Now this line reminds me of something I’ve spoken about in several different posts here before. I’ve often said that one of the reasons I write what I do, and specifically try to write about the things that happen or have happened to me, is to fight the doubt I was talking about a second ago. By having them written and recorded, and knowing other people have read them, it helps this creeping suspicion I often get about my own memories after some time has passed.

I often wonder if I myself suffer from delusions, far more mild than anything like Arthur (and perhaps his mother) suffer from, but it’s still a concern. I often wonder if maybe my memories are wrong, in my post Blackpill Nights for example I wrote about a series of events that I can remember very vividly, yet I can’t shake this feeling that maybe they didn’t happen like I remember at all and my ego has just manufactured or at least altered the memories as some kind of coping mechanism. To deal with the fact that in reality I’m a total loser, by fooling myself into thinking that I’m actually something I’m not. I suppose if this is the case (although as I said, these memories are all very clear in my mind to this day) it’s similar in a sense to the “I’m smart but lazy” cope you often hear, but in regard to something other than intelligence.

The therapist really does deserve a treatment similar to what Arthur’s mother gets by the way, notice how the first time there’s any kind of warmth or care in her voice is when she talks about a problem Arthur is facing that she also suffers from. That being the funding to her office being cut off, which means she’s going to lose her job. Until then her voice is totally cold, she doesn’t give a single shit about Arthur. His own therapist, and she doesn’t care at all. He realises this, pay close attention and you’ll notice his tone slightly change as he asks her if she’s ever actually listened to him. “You always ask if I’m having bad thoughts… All I have are bad thoughts”. It’s a great line, and I like to think the subtext is that in that moment he realises something that I myself realised around the time I started this blog.

I wrote a post pretty early on which was a total mess, titled Riding a train of thought. I’m not just trying to be modest, it really is pretty awful like most of the early posts I wrote were. I was still finding my footing at first, I would say I really started to hit my stride shortly after the New Year but I started this blog in September 2018. Not that I’m doing anything special here, but I’m happy with it for the most part. Anyway, in that post and then later in a sort of follow up I talked about this realisation I had about what it really means to ignore someone/ be ignored. People like me, use whatever term you want (loner, loser, outcast, reject, etc.) will often talk about how they feel invisible or ignored. This ties in with that feeling that you’re not even sure you exist, as Arthur puts it, but there’s more to it.

Elliot Rodger remarked in his final video that people always treated him “like a mouse”, and if you go on /r9k/ you’ll find similar complaints all the time. It’s a trope at this point, people like us feel ignored or left out. The normalfag response is usually some bullshit about being less timid and having more confidence, and sure that plays a role but here’s what they’re not telling you. You being left out, or ignored, it’s not just because you’re quiet/ not being noticed. It’s something they’re doing on purpose, to harm you. People don’t ignore people because they don’t care about them, they do it to people they actively dislike. I’m not saying it’s comparable to actual violence, but it is a passive aggressive form of mental abuse. Especially if it’s been a chronic issue for you throughout your life.

So I actually think this scene has more importance than maybe people realise, if my interpretation that he is making a similar sort of realisation in this scene to the one I had is correct. It’s where the character starts to realise that maybe that niggling feeling that he’s been wronged somehow actually has some merit. We all have this feeling, people like us. Those incels you hear so much about who are maybe less intelligent or inhibited will express it in a way that makes them look entitled or stupid, but actually they’re not wrong. They just aren’t able to articulate what it is they’re feeling properly, and in turn this gives fuel to the normies who say that people in our situation deserve to be here. That we’ve been pushed away by society because of some personality defect, or because we’re bad people.

Ironically, it’s exactly because most “incels” are actually pretty good people that they’re so easily convinced that perhaps they’re not. Which is why if they ever do werewolf and go wild, it usually takes a decade or two. It comes after realisations like this, something happens to make them understand finally that it really never was their fault. So of course they’re angry, and of course they lash out. That’s why this scene is important, because a switch is flipped where he no longer blames himself. Notice the body language when he delivers that “all I have are bad thoughts” line, it’s a change from everything up until that point. He’s starting to care less, he’s able to lose that meekness for a moment. It comes back, but it’s the start of the process.

This is similar to where I am I think, I’ve had moments like that scene before. I have a customer facing job, and some of the people who come through the shop can be quite rude. Usually I just take it, I’m a shy and weak person, but there have been a few cases where I pushed back a little. I’m not sure why, and it’s not something I can choose to “activate”, but somehow in a few instances I have somehow developed a spine. And people do change their demeanour towards you when they realise they can’t fuck around anymore, I’ve got to admit. I don’t want to be that kind of person though, I think that’s what’s holding me (and others like me, and Arthur too) back. I actually truly want to be a nice person, it’s not an act or a ploy or anything like that. Despite what people may say.

The real turning point in the film though, is when he kills his mother. After that, he truly does shed this timid persona completely. It’s the point of no return for the character. And yes I think she got what she deserved. This isn’t me being edgy, again going back to talking about cinematic language the scene is clearly a positive one in a twisted sort of way. You’re meant to see it as a good thing that he is finally able to remove her overbearing presence from his life. The scene is much lighter than the shadowy and murky gloom that you get on screen until that point. Even the other scenes in that same hospital room are much darker, so it’s clearly by design that there’s a change in this one.

On the one hand there’s the interpretation I’ve heard a few times that this scene is evoking some kind of religious/ Christian imagery, a bright or even divine seeming white light shining out in an (up until this point) otherwise very dark environment. In this scene Arthur dies you could say, and is then reborn, not unlike Christ himself. Maybe that was the intention, but I think it was something more simple. In my opinion the darkness that covers the first two acts of the film is simply representative of Arthur’s depression. By killing his mother, the root cause behind all of his problems, he is able to shed that.

I’m pretty sure that he decides to kill himself at the same point that he decides to kill his mother as well. He gets the invite for the Murray show in the scene right before see, and we know that even as late as when he sits down in the seat to talk to Murray he was probably still only planning to shoot himself. Now there are a lot of stories of people who have decided to kill themselves, who’ve claimed that after making that decision they became much happier. They still go through with it, because they know that the depression will return if they don’t, but something about finally making real plans for suicide just clears the heaviness away.

It actually reminds me of something a person I know told me about my mother, who killed herself when I was around the age of 14. I’m not bringing this up for pity points, it is actually relevant. On the very same day that she did it, I was away visiting my dad, but in the morning she went shopping to buy the gin she needed and she bumped into this family friend. Anyway at the funeral he was there with the rest of his family and telling me and my dad about this chance meeting with her, he said she had seemed really happy. So happy that he couldn’t even believe the news when he heard it at first. I’ve heard quite a few anecdotes like this from people on 4chan, or in news stories and so on. You probably have as well, it’s a well understood phenomenon I think.

The scene ends with the sun shining in through the window as Arthur stares out of it with his head craned upwards slightly, and from this scene onwards the film remains quite a bit brighter. The next scene is in his apartment on the morning of the Murray appearance and it’s the first time we see what the place looks like during the day time. There are a couple of daytime scenes earlier in the film, the first scene where he gets mugged and beaten of course, and when he visits Wayne manor, and the establishing shot of Arkham Asylum. Those scenes somehow still have this darkness to them though, and they’re all quite cold and sterile. The scene when he kills his mother, and then after in the apartment when he kill the fat guy who gave him the gun (assuming that scene is reliable), are the first time we see any sunlight that isn’t blocked by smog or clouds in the entire film.

Now, I said earlier that I think Arthur’s mother got what she deserved, and I meant it. I don’t think I need to explain to a bunch of ebin redpilled gamers on the internet (and I’m aware that that’s the kind of people this blog appeals to) why single mothers are fucking awful. The facts speak for themselves, and this film is certainly attacking single mothers, which is a good thing. However, again I’m going to have to disagree with the point I’m seeing quite frequently made that the subplot with his mother is primarily there to criticise single mothers. Rather I think that’s a secondary concern, and the real point is to talk about the negative effect of overbearing and mentally ill parents and also how demoralising it is to be stuck with them after adulthood.

Or maybe I’m just noticing it because that is my own experience, again I’m going to link to another of my posts I’m sorry. In a post during early summer called Kinda late in the game, I talked in some detail about my relationship with my dad who has lived with me since my mother passed away. It’s a long post, and not exclusively about my dad but it’s the only one where I’ve talked about our relationship in any real detail. Anyway I think the similarities between my father and Arthur’s mother are quite clear, and so I understand very well the resentment that Arthur is feeling when he puts that pillow over her face. I’m not saying I want to kill my dad or anything edgy like that, after all my dad never let any of the kind of awful abuse that Arthur experienced happen to me. I’m fortunate in that way, I was never abused or mistreated physically as a child it’s true.

I would argue that having to put up with my dad and his clear mental illness, which I talk about in that post, could be considered mental abuse though. And the fact that I am forced to remain living with him, because I’m the owner of the flat (apartment) as I inherited it from my mother and he refuses to leave. Even though I’m 22 years old, and could afford to live on my own without him. He is receiving government gibs, while I actually work. I’m kind of being held hostage, even if I was able to find friends or a girlfriend I wouldn’t be able to bring them here because of him. I remember I stopped inviting my friends to visit towards the last year of school because I was embarrassed by him. He’s a fat alcoholic who dresses like a fucking homeless person and talks to himself loudly so I can never even have peace and quiet in my own home. So yes, I admit I got some vicarious enjoyment from seeing her get smothered with the pillow.

So after he kills the fat guy from work, he finished his make up and from here until the end the movie is just a joy to watch. Both times I saw it I had a huge smile on my face the entire time, it was beautiful. I was basically reacting pretty similarly to how he was in the scene the header image is taken from. I wasn’t laughing out loud maniacally but I think I felt similarly to how he did when he was watching the destruction around the car as I watched the events of the ending play out. That’s why I picked that image, and why it’s my favourite scene in the film. It’s a great scene, the music choice is perfect and the reaction he’s having just makes so much sense. It’s lovely seeing him truly happy for the first time as well, isn’t it?

As I’ve talked about, a lot of different suggestions have been made about there being a point in the film after which he is simply imagining everything that’s happening. I never talked about the one that I’m most inclined to agree with though, and that would be that it’s some time before he kills his mother. In the scene right before that, we have the “sixth sense” style reveal where he realises he was never in a relationship with the woman down the hall. We never see what happens, but it’s definitely implied that he may have killed her. So maybe it’s after this, or perhaps he was caught while inside the asylum getting the documents about his mother, after all we never see how he escaped the place. Either way, somewhere along the way just before the final act I think may be the point where it happens.

I’m not convinced though, it’s still most likely that the events of the films simply happened as presented. What’s undeniable though, is that everything from the chase sequence through to him standing above the crowd in that fantastic slow zoom out shot, plays out exactly like the kind of fantasies I frequently get lost in. I’ve always daydreamed, but as I have got older and become more disappointed with my situation in life they have definitely become more frequent and detailed. It’s another aspect of this breaking down of the barriers between reality and fantasy that I was talking about before. When I was younger I’d just imagine myself in a situation, now I’ll imagine the entire scenario that leads to such a situation playing out as I walk to work or something like that.

Now these fantasies or daydreams are all quite different, but they almost always tend to have me turning into some kind of important figure. Someone who people look up to, someone with great power or influence, or something like that. My speculation is that it’s some kind of unconscious coping mechanism to deal with the fact that I’m very low in the social hierarchy, by allowing myself to live as someone on the top in some area of life for a while. I don’t know, it’s not like it’s in my control these daydreams happen to me, so it really is just baseless speculation. Either way, I’m pretty certain that most people in a similar life situation as me experience something similar. And these daydreams get pretty weird, like sure in some cases I’m just a dictator or a king or something generic like that, but just as often the story will be much like the plot of the final act of this film.

After all, it’s pure catharsis watching the ending play out. He outruns and outsmarts two police detectives who’ve been harassing him throughout the film, he gets to go out on stage on the show he’s definitely fantasised about going on before, he gets to tell the whole world about his problems through that show, he gets revenge on the guy who humiliated him publicly, and then a literal personal army loots and burns the city and saves him from captivity before raising him above the crowd like a hero. The film goes from zero to one hundred very suddenly, given that he was just a jobless shut in before he put on the make-up. The way he reacts in that car scene, the one where White Room by Cream is playing, is probably exactly how I would react if one of my own elaborate daydreams were to actually start happening around me.

Of course that’s never happened, but I’ve certainly been thrust into crazy/ unexpected situations before and funnily enough my reaction is usually laughter. While on the topic of laughter, I thought how his condition was dealt with in the film (pseudobulbar effect, it’s a real condition) was really well done. Some of those early scenes where he looks like he’s not just physically pained by it but also humiliated are so hard to watch, I honestly felt so sad for him. His eyes are so expressive, in those scenes where he gets the laughter attacks you get that feeling that he is reminded that his life will never improve and that he’ll be stuck like that forever. Because while I don’t have any such condition, I know that in moments of physical weakness like when I get ill I’ll often find it harder to keep up the usual pretence that things will get better one day. It’s in those moments that you’re no longer able to lie to yourself.

It’s so nice how after he manages to shake off all the dead weight and crap that’s been dragging him down his whole life those laughing fits no longer look painful, he embraces them. On Murray’s show, in the police car, in the room with the psychiatrist at the very end, he finally sees the funny side to life. As corny as the line was, he really did begin to see his life as a comedy rather than a tragedy and he’s much better off for it. I wish I could do the same, I have moments where I can laugh at the absurdity of it all sure but they never last. Like how after Arthur kills the three train guys and it seems as if he finally has some life force back in the scene where he quits his job and smashes the punch clock, but it fades. Then again after the second therapist visit, but it fades. It always fades away, I don’t know what I can do.

The laughing was also used to great effect in the scene where he is at the comedy club the first time, where he’s taking notes. I think a lot of people simply read that scene as showing that he’s out of step with the rest of society, because he laughs at different points to everyone else. Like I’ve said about a few scenes now I think this is all true, but the scene has more to it as well that I haven’t seen anyone comment on yet. See I think it actually ties in quite well with the ending sequence in that it is further proof that Arthur is a man lost in fantasy. The scene is there to show that he doesn’t actually want to be a comedian at all, he doesn’t even like or find the stand up he goes to see to be funny. He’s just chosen comedy as the route to getting some attention and recognition.

I haven’t actually talked about this before on here, so there’s no post to link to for this one, but when I was a bit younger (maybe early teens) I also thought I wanted to be a comedian. My dad used to let me stay up late when I visited him and often we would watch stand up recordings because that’s the only good thing on TV around midnight. I probably didn’t even get half of the jokes, but there was something very alluring about the admiration the guy on stage would receive. I also think that showing Arthur being entirely unamused by the sex jokes is a really clever and tasteful way of implying that he’s probably a virgin/ romantically inexperienced.

Similarly to how he doesn’t really care about comedy as anything other than a means to an end, he doesn’t care at all about the protests and the clown face movement he inspires for anything other than that exact same reason. I thought it was really clever how they have him throw the mask he borrows during the chase scene straight into the trash as soon as the police officers are dealt with. They’ve outlived their usefulness. It’s just a perfect way to symbolise it, they’re just normalfags to him he couldn’t care less about their troubles. Most of the people in those protests, they’re just as likely to walk over him on the street as Thomas Wayne would be, fuck ’em.

I really can’t help but think that if not the director then some other important people on the team behind this film are /ourguys/, the film is just too anti-normie, it almost feels like we’re being pandered to. Take the first scene where he has the full costume and make-up on, as he walks down the hall and then later when he dances around the city and on those stairs. It can’t possibly be a coincidence that they chose a song by Gary Glitter to play during that sequence. I don’t think there’s a musician who is more hated by the general public, particularly here in the UK where they won’t even play his music on the radio, but he’s also hated in the US and anywhere where his music would have once charted. Which it did, he was as mainstream as you get once. A chart topper, society’s choice.

The song, Rock and Roll Part 2, is this really upbeat and energetic glam rock track, and it plays during the first scene where you see Arthur/ Joker truly comfortable and at ease with himself. He is the protagonist of the movie, so clearly the intention is that you should be happy for him during this scene, and that’s the song they choose. It’s just too perfect, and obviously I’m not pro-paedophile but I suppose just because I spend hours every day on 4chan I probably have unknowingly interacted with hundreds if not thousands of them over the years. This scene is a real “fuck you” moment for the character, after being beaten down and trod on by society, instead of hiding away (or crawling inside a fridge..) he walks out with his head held high. This song pisses off all the right people, that being basically everyone with some stock in the future.

In a better world perhaps I’d be just as infuriated as everyone else simply by hearing Gary Glitter’s name, but at this point I kind of enjoy the butthurt he causes. And you best believe the controversy was expected. You know what, maybe even the trauma he caused to his victims might mean they actually became decent rather unlike the mass of intolerably self interested normalfags you’ll encounter in any busy city in Europe or North America. Ok, maybe that’s a little too edgy. To clarify, paedophilia is one of the worst crimes imaginable and indeed it’s implied that Arthur himself is possibly a victim of it. He’s certainly a victim of violent abuse as a young child, and in my opinion severe mental abuse as well as I’ve explained.

In that scene though, when the song plays and he’s dancing down the stairs, he’s just so carefree and comfortable in his own skin at last. It’s empowering, if I’m being entirely honest with you. It feels wonderful, I was just beaming from the moment the song starts and you see him walk down the hall right until the end of the movie. It’s great how they express this transformation through dance as well, through his movement. The dance on the stairs is totally fluid because he’s completely comfortable in his own skin finally, it’s also in time with the music that plays over the scene so it’s vibrant and full of life. This is in contrast to the scene much earlier in the film when he does that weird jagged and stilted dance in that poorly lit bathroom after he kills the three guys who attack him on the train.

That earlier more awkward dance reminds me a little of how I might dance when I’m home alone or something, I really have to wonder how someone could have known to include this stuff. It’s not even really a dance, more just slowly contorting and twisting out of time with what’s happening around him. See “people like me”, we tend not to enjoy or feel very comfortable dancing. The idea of dancing in public, while others can see, may be terrifying but a lot of us are so repressed we still feel awkward or wrong doing it in total privacy. Because dance is the most instinctual and ancient kind of expression available to us, the most unsophisticated. People like me, people like us, we’re out of tune and at all times uncomfortable in our own skin. I’ve gradually become less like this, maybe I can dance a little more easily with no one around to see now, but that bathroom scene was immediately familiar to me.

It makes sense that after killing those guys, which is a liberating moment, he does this dance. There are a quite a few dance scenes, and each one becomes slightly less awkward and janky as the character himself slowly loses all reason to maintain the meek and pitiful demeanour he’s had his whole adult life. The dance just before he goes on stage with the intention of killing himself (meaning he’s lost any fear of judgement or repercussion) being the most graceful and serene of all of them. There’s just so much depth to this film, it really has taken me by surprise. I was expecting it would be enjoyable enough, and all the memes surrounding it would be amusing, but it’s actually really resonated with me. I really do need to go and see it a third time before it’s out of theatres.

The sorrows of young anon

As I’ve already explained in another post back in January, in the summer of 2014 I met a girl on /r9k/ and we became quite close. I try not to think about “what could have been” too much, about how I probably threw away one of the few true opportunities for happiness I’ve ever had, but from time to time I can’t help but be reminded. It might not seem like that’s how I feel when you read that post, because I focused quite a lot on where things went wrong. Indeed the ultimate message of it was that I didn’t want to deal with that again, but when it comes down to it I was far happier back when we were talking regularly than I have been over the last year without her or anyone else to talk to. Having no one to talk to, or confide in, is unbearable. It’s hard to even get out of the door and go to work every day when you have literally no support or encouragement in life.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I have this blog as an outlet, but there’s no feedback or engagement. That’s fine, if you don’t feel comfortable commenting or responding then that’s cool with me, it means a lot that you simply enjoy reading my stuff. I’m glad to have each and every one of you. The only reason I even know that there are some of you who keep coming back however is because it tells me the countries you’re from on my stats page. Now that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the same person, after all it doesn’t give me any actual information about any of you like your IP address or even more specific a location other than the country. However, I think it’s unlikely that a different guy from Serbia, Mexico, India, The Netherlands, etc. is coming back every week or two.

More likely I have a “fan”, or maybe just a morbidly curious individual who enjoys watching my slow descent into madness and despair, in each of these countries and a few others. I also get a lot of views from the US, so I can assume with some accuracy that I have a few regulars who live there but most of those views are just one time visitors. A lot of those one time visitors are from search engines, for some reason my post Volcel gang manifesto (which was obviously a somewhat tongue in cheek title, given the content of the entry) in particular seems to bring in lots of people that way. Of course I’ve also mentioned the reader thing before, but I’m pretty sure that most if not all of those of you who’ve stuck around long term are from when I’ve shilled on /lit/ or /r9k/. And of course with these posts I’m not just simply talking, I’m often trying to make it kind of entertaining to read or at least engaging. I’m trying to work on my prose, but there’s still a lot of work to do.

Anyway, last week in a moment of admitted desperation I e-mailed this girl again asking if we could talk. If I’m being honest, and I haven’t said this to her because of reasons I’ll get to in a second, I was kind of hoping that maybe there was still a chance for something between us when I sent that first message. I know how much of an awful person this makes me seem, and I can’t really argue against that. I threw that opportunity away, life doesn’t tend to give you second chances and given the stupid reasons I had for pushing her away I don’t deserve one anyway. Nevertheless, as I said I still think about her and I keep going back in forth in my mind about whether I should have somehow done things differently. I’m a lot more uncertain about my feelings than that other entry might make it seem, indeed in part what I said in there was probably a cope. Not to say it was untrue, but I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t have as much regret as I really do regarding the whole situation by focusing on the negatives.

I think she can tell as well, that I was hoping for some second chance that is, but she has a boyfriend now so that’s not going to happen. And after having a little while to think about it, maybe that’s a good thing, or not I don’t know what to think. I think she still cares about me, it’s hard to ever completely stop caring about someone (though not impossible I’ve learned), but I’m pretty certain there’s no romantic interest on her part anymore. That’s fine. This is the third time we’ve been in contact and last time there were no feelings, I don’t think, on either her part or mine. In fact she had a boyfriend last time we spoke as well, but she didn’t tell me about it until last week. I’m not exactly sure I understand why. She said that she never told me because she was scared “it would ruin things between us”, but there wasn’t anything between us at the time.

I really wasn’t thinking of her in “that way” last time we spoke, because I was maybe slightly obsessed with one of the girls I worked with, as I’ve talked about already on this blog. I won’t say it was something I never thought about, as I’ve been saying I’ve always had slight regrets about how things turned out all the way back in 2015, but I had no intention of making any effort to pursue something at the time. The boyfriend from back then is not the same one as right now. In fact I think I have an idea who the older boyfriend is, because the first time we were speaking she had a friend she told me about who asked her out apparently. It was a friend she’d mentioned quite a few times while we were talking to one another, again this is in 2015 I know it’s a bit difficult to keep track.

I remember her telling me out of the blue one night how it happened, I think it was around summer so roughly a year after we’d started talking. If I remember correctly, although I might be wrong here as it has been a while, for some reason they were not going to be able to see one another for some long period of time. Maybe they were going to different schools, or something, I’m not sure. Anyway she told me that she’d told him “no”, that she’d rejected his advances. This was around the time I think it was becoming quite obvious to her I was losing interest, so some part of me had a suspicion that she just made the story up to try and get me to do or say something, but now I think maybe that’s the same guy and the story was completely true. Maybe the story isn’t made up, but her saying no to him is, and that’s when they started going out.

I don’t fucking know, I’m really not interested in this gossip magazine tier normie shit. It doesn’t change anything either way. There was a situation or conflict or something with that boyfriend from before and the guy who is now her boyfriend as well, it may have even spread onto r9k a little, but I’m not going to go into that stuff because I’m pretty certain she would have a problem with me talking about it and anyway it’s not really anything to do with me. So again I will admit I had hoped that there might be something there when trying to get back in contact this most recent time, but after speaking to her for the last couple days knowing that isn’t going to happen, I’ve still found it really helpful. Since speaking to her again I’ve really been reminded just how much more bearable life is simply for having someone to actually talk to.

Not just to vent to her about my own problems, of course it’s really nice to finally have someone hear the problems I’m having, but that’s not what we talk about most of the time. It’s just nice to talk about completely mundane things, day to day stuff like what’s happening with her studies or at my job. Occasionally I’ll talk about those things here, but most of the time if I can’t make an interesting post from it I won’t. Just knowing there’s someone there, paying attention to me, I’m so scared to lose it so quickly after getting it back. It might seem weird to say, but I quite like listening to her troubles as well. I quite like that someone trusts me enough to talk about more personal things with, and I’m no therapist but I like to think I can be of some help. She’s certainly helped me a lot, just by being there and hearing me.

We even briefly spoke about how she could maybe help me with some art for this blog. I offered to pay to commission something but she said she’d never want that. Just maybe something she could do in an afternoon, to use as the header image. I’ve thought about how it would work, because usually I just try and find an image after I’ve written my post that I think is somehow appropriate. I would feel a little uncomfortable trying to tell someone what to do, so maybe a better idea would be to send her a copy of the draft before I upload something and ask her to just draw what she thinks is appropriate. Or we could talk on video chat and try and figure something out together, that would also be a good reason to finally do that after saying we would so many times, assuming she still wants to.

See usually when I just choose art or photographs or something from online I can’t always find the right image. I have a way of choosing what to use that I think works well, but it’s not possible to always find exactly what you’re looking for. Sometimes it’s probably easy to see the connection, other times I’m a bit more cryptic, and sometimes I’m just trying to use it to make a joke. I use the titles in a similar way as well, some are pretty straightforward obviously like any of the series’ I do, but other than that I’m just trying to make things a little more interesting. She has a very specific art style, one that wouldn’t really work all of the time, I just think it would be nice if she could be part of this thing in a small way. She seemed to really like the idea as well, although now who knows what’s going to happen. I’m slightly concerned she might not be too happy if she ends up reading this post, because she has read some of them.

She was so nice about my writing as well, maybe nicer than necessary because I’m not just playing modest when I say that I have a lot of rushed and not so well written stuff uploaded on here. I’m very proud of some of what I’ve put up of course, my recent entry in the Books series about The Little Prince might be one of the best things I’ve ever uploaded here, but then the next one after that (my most recent upload) was fucking terrible. She seemed genuinely interested to read through everything, and again even though I’m glad there are people who keep checking back here it’s not the same as actually hearing someone say they want to read everything you’ve written. It’s nice to have some affirmation, I have got a couple comments saying I should keep going before but it’s really nice when it comes from a person you know.

I don’t think she’ll actually read everything like she said, although to be fair I saw on my stats page the other night that someone from Italy had visited the home/ archives page a load of times so maybe she really did end up reading through a lot. We spoke a bit about a few of the first things I wrote on here as well, so maybe she wasn’t kidding and plans to eventually read through it all from the start. Either way I’m going to try not to mention it again if we keep talking. Of course I’ll tell her when I’m writing if it comes up in conversation and if she does decide to help out of course I’ll send her stuff then, but I don’t want to link her a specific post again. I started to feel like maybe I was being a little pushy, that I sent too much. She’s the kind of person who wouldn’t tell me to stop if it was annoying her, so I’m just going to stop myself.

She likes to send me music links quite a lot, we both share a lot of music recs to one another. We don’t have the exact same taste of course, but we do tend to like a lot of the same stuff and she’s actually given me some really good recommendations in the past. The other day she told me about this album Awake by an electronic musician called Tycho, and I’ve listened to it like maybe ten times since then. It’s really good, and I’d probably never have found it if not for her. There’s one track on there that really reminds me of the soundtrack to the game Mirror’s Edge actually, I think the chord progression (god I hope I’m using that term correctly and I don’t look like a pseud) is very similar at one point but then it goes in it’s own direction. Anyway, it’s just been so nice to have her there again.

I haven’t forgotten how that stopped being the case last time, how talking to her went from being the highlight of my day to being a chore as the months went on. The reasons for that are actually pretty easy to deal with however, in fact we’ve talked about how to prevent that. Basically, I was always too shy to just tell her I didn’t want to talk some days. I began to find it really hard to get anything else done, and so I’d make excuses not to talk. If I could have just told her that some nights I didn’t want to talk, and that didn’t mean I didn’t still enjoy her company generally, maybe both our lives could have gone quite differently. Anyway she’s a much busier person now, so she doesn’t even want to talk most days either. It’s funny in a way, that I could probably have saved things from falling apart just by having a backbone. It’s not funny, it makes me want to sink into the ground and die, but you know what I mean it’s also pretty fucking funny. XD

We did talk quite a lot about what happened before, including some stuff I didn’t know about like the aforementioned secret boyfriend. In fact she read the post linked at the start of this one that I wrote about her, I linked it in the original e-mail I sent to her. She was really understanding about it. She can be quite a reticent person unless you really push for more information sometimes, so maybe what I said hurt more than she’s willing to admit. I know from what she’s said in the past that she’s had some issues with her image and self confidence and I hate that I probably contributed to that. I hope that what I said in that post didn’t contribute even more, I mean she said to me she already could tell that I kind of lost interest when seeing her the first time all those years ago, but maybe actually seeing it written in my own words makes it more real. It’s something she said to me that made me start to think this, the last time we spoke on Wednesday night.

She said that she thinks maybe I only contacted her again because I’m desperate. It really hurt to read that, not just because it’s not true but because of what it says about how she views herself. It implies that she thinks I’m only talking to her because I have no one else. If I had a girlfriend, or even was still in regular contact with my friends, she seems to be suggesting that I wouldn’t want to speak to her. I’m not saying there’s not some truth to that, maybe I’d have felt that it was best to leave whatever happened with her in the past if I had more going on in my own life, but to imply I don’t care about her or just want to use her is completely unfair. I don’t see us talking again as me settling for her company because I have no one else to spend time with, I’ve shared more with her about myself than possibly anyone else I’ve ever known just because we used to speak so much. She’s certainly one of the few people I’ve opened up with the most.

Now the reason she said that, to provide some context, is because a few days after we started talking her boyfriend decided he was not comfortable with me talking to her again. Which I understand completely, I imagine I would feel the same if I were in that position. In fact I feel quite uncomfortable in my own position in this if I’m being completely honest. As I said it is really nice talking, but then a few times she’s mentioned this boyfriend and all I can hear in my head when that happens is a bunch of meme loving zoomers from r9k calling me a cuck. I’m not sure, am I being an “orbiter” here? I hate those fucking guys, you know who I mean. The people who swarm around certain e-girls and obsess over them, I think they’re completely contemptible. Some part of me is a little worried that maybe this girl now sees me in the same way those e-girls view their orbiters.

Now I know that it’s not quite the same, because I could have ended up with this girl once if I hadn’t been such an unbelievable coward or caught up on my own weird hang ups. Indeed, towards the end during the first time we spoke I actually felt bad because I was worried I was treating her like a female orbiter. That makes me sound like an absolute piece of shit, let me explain. I just mean that because I was too scared to tell her that I’d lost any romantic interest, but I kept talking, I kind of felt like I was stringing her along. I thought that if I just held out until we met maybe I’d somehow begin to feel different again, but more I was just scared to say something. Indeed she seems to have felt similarly because she told me she didn’t feel guilty about ghosting me the first time around because of this, and she shouldn’t that was the right response to how I was acting. As much as I wish it hadn’t ended that way, I can admit that.

Still, I can’t help but feel like I’m doing something wrong now. To be talking with someone, and rather intimately, who does now have a partner. In large part it is because of what there was before, I mean it’s not exactly unusual to have friends while you’re in a relationship. If there never had been anything between us in the past, it wouldn’t be a problem. She has other friends, presumably some of them male, and I imagine he doesn’t have any problem with that. I didn’t care at all that she had friends who were male, like the one I mentioned earlier in the post, back in 2015. It’s also maybe because I’m single, and not just that but perpetually so. If she had a male friend in real life, who had a girlfriend of his own or at least a normal dating life, I don’t think he’d care about them speaking.

I spoke with her about this, that hypothetically if I had a girlfriend in my own life (yeah, I know it’s a ridiculous premise pls be nice) maybe it would be less of a problem to keep talking. This was when she was telling me that maybe we shouldn’t talk anymore, in fact I hate to admit this but in a moment of weakness/ fear that I was going to lose her again I even said I’d sign up for online dating and try to find a girl that way if it would mean she wouldn’t abandon me. Even though I have a lot of fundamental problems with online dating in principle (that I spoke about in that post linked above actually, Volcel gang manifesto), when I got scared I kind of just lost all of those concerns. In retrospect, I realise how absolutely mad I sounded in that moment by the way.

Although I have to say, since that conversation I have begun to think about the idea of online dating again. I still agree with what I said in that post, and that the day I willingly sign up for something like that is the day what’s left of my innocence dies. Yet maybe I don’t have any other solution to this problem I have, I complain about being lonely but there is this pretty simple solution available to that. After all, outside of online dating I really don’t have any other options because I never meet new people any more and I can’t exactly rely on another girl approaching me in public like has happened before a couple times. It’s possible it’ll happen again, but just as possible if not more so that it never will. It’s not exactly normal, I mean in this country it’s pretty fucking rare for a guy to ask a woman out in public, a total stranger that is, never mind the other way around. That’s just not the culture, in fact I remember my old manager (from Romania) remarking on the fact that “no one ever flirts here” once.

The problem with Tinder or some lesser known thing like it is that it would be pretty fucking humiliating if I tried it and never got any matches as well, after all I have no photos of myself at all (well, there’s a few group photos from when I’ve been out with my coworkers but I can’t use those) so I’d have to just take a photo of myself and use that. And I imagine if you have nothing but a poor quality selfie on a site where most people have a whole set of photos of themselves doing actual interesting things you’ll be at something of a disadvantage. I’m probably not going to do it, I’m very intimidated by the entire idea and I still have all the same problems with it I talked about before. It’s something I’ve just been re-evaluating my stance on a little bit, that’s all.

I need some input from someone else, to tell me if I’m being silly about this or if my position from that post before makes sense. Another reason (or maybe another COPE) that I’m not an orbiter I think, is that I talk quite a lot about my problems, and she seems to respond quite genuinely and want to try and help me get better. That is, finding people and being less lonely, but also getting at deeper issues I may have. I think I already mentioned this but this isn’t what we talk about most of the time, however I do have a tendency to turn a normal conversation into another thing to get upset and moan about. It’s a problem, I wish I could keep it to myself more often, although sometimes it is nice to just vent.

To a real person I mean, someone who can respond in real time. It’s hard to explain what it’s like to suddenly have someone who is actually supportive, and who doesn’t seem to judge me. Someone who’s care and concern isn’t conditional, it’s like having my mother back or a sister I never had. Well, of course it’s not quite the same because of before but there’s a parallel there. The best example to show this is that I don’t feel uncomfortable with her reading this blog, but there’s no one I know in real life who I’d show what I’ve written here to. The things I’ve said about some people, jesus. They can never know, not until I’m dead anyway. Her on the other hand, I don’t worry at all about what she might think. I just don’t feel judged, it’s odd, and having someone like that in your life is incredibly reassuring.

Let’s just stick with the example of online dating, say I actually do decide to go through with it and I manage to get someone to agree to go get a drink or whatever people do after meeting on those sites. I’d feel a thousand times less scared to go, knowing that I’ll be able to talk about it if it goes wrong with her afterwards. And even before I went, just having her encouragement would probably make me far less worried. Which in this specific example probably means things are less likely to go wrong. It’s not just this example though, it’s really anything. I went to a gig the other night, the first time I’ve ever been to see a live music performance actually. The main band playing was Deafheaven (for a soy-metal band they’re actually pretty good), but there was another band called Touche Amore, and a third called Portrayal of Guilt.

Anyway, the show was a lot of fun and I had a great time, but I was terrified before going. I went with a friend, the one who doesn’t live in the same city as me, but nevertheless I was genuinely deebly goncerned the entire day before going. We had some cans of cider before going in to help chill out a bit, and two beers inside, and again once I actually got there it wasn’t bad at all. I’m not even sure what I was worried about, no one even cared to mess with me or whatever I was scared would happen, they were just enjoying the show. Yet that fear almost stopped me from going, the only reason I went was because I’m so unbelievably desperate these days for company. If I’d been asked to go do something like that even a year ago, I’d probably have said no, indeed I’ve said no to offers like that quite a few times in the past.

How much easier would it have been if she had been there to talk to me beforehand? Not even necessarily the same day, just at some point leading up to it. Yeah, I know I’m pathetic and weak and it’s embarrassing that something like that is so much of a big deal for me, but that is how I am and I can’t change that. Not in the short term anyway, and not on my own. I don’t know if any of you have seen the show Welcome to the NHK (the anime, I haven’t read the manga or the original novel), although given that I have a 4chan based audience I’m sure some of you have, but I guess I’m in a similar position to Satou. That’s the main character, and he’s worse off than me to be fair as he’s a complete hikki NEET and 24 years old at the start of the show I think, but his position is quite similar to mine.

There’s an episode where he goes back to university to consider applying for a course after dropping out years before, and how he responds in one scene in particular reminds me so much of how I was feeling before this show last week. That scene is one of the best ones in the show, honestly I don’t like a lot of the melodrama that happens towards the end of series. The early episodes are the best, they really demonstrate the mindset of someone who has ended up in that position really well. I was only ever a complete NEET for about 5 months (or a year if you include the time where I was volunteering at a charity shop for 8 hours a week) and I think I was already starting to go a bit loopy towards the end of that period. In that time, it wasn’t unusual for me to go two weeks in a row without leaving my flat once.

Anyway, the show is a show and therefore needs some kind of plot. So Misaki is introduced, a girl who for some reason decides that it is her mission to try and fix Satou and change his hikikomori ways. At first they begin a series of therapy-like sessions, and then she tries to push him to start rebuilding some kind of a life slowly. Again, the show is a show and so there are complications along the way, but that is the basic premise. At some point fairly early on Misaki seems to be developing into a love interest character, which makes sense, but interestingly enough that never goes anywhere. Instead, the feelings they are both developing seem to dissipate after the events towards the end of the series, and the ending of the show has them come up with a more formal agreement. Where they plan to continue to both help one another, and push on with life, as long as the other does the same.

You can probably see why I’m bringing the show up in the context of this particular post, the parallels are easy to see. Of course, I’m wary of making the comparison because you could misread me comparing this girl I know to Misaki as me saying I simply see her as a tool or means of helping myself. That’s obviously not true, as I’ve made clear throughout this entry I do genuinely appreciate her and want her to be happy. And we don’t spend all the time talking about my problems, the positive benefit of having someone like her to talk to is just a little similar. The effect of having her around to talk to, is somewhat comparable to the result of Misaki’s efforts to help Satou. It’s like poetry, it rhymes.

Every Friday on /r9k/ they have a thread dedicated to this character, Misaki Friday has been a tradition on there since before I started visiting the board, but most people in there seem to misunderstand the point entirely in my opinion. People will talk about how they’re “waiting for their Misaki” to come and save them, but Misaki never really saved Satou. Also I’ll say it again, the show is a show and so some spur was needed to get the plot moving. In real life no one is going to come and find you and fix all your problems, I had to find this girl the thread is about myself all those years ago. At the same time if you have no support network or people to rely on in place you are going to have a far harder time sorting yourself out than most people ever will. That alone won’t fix anyone, but it sure does help.

 

(not really talking about) Books: Part 9

In an earlier entry in this series I said I’d probably write a whole post about a certain book, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. Well I realise now I have less to say about it than I thought, but I’ll try and give it a short post. So this book is about an autist, not an autist in the way that the term is used online on places like 4chan but an actual person with autism. A fifteen year old boy living in a town not too far from London, with just his father. The book is written from his point of view, almost like a mock diary, so you also get a view of his various idiosyncrasies. The chapters for example, are not numbered normally but rather only the prime numbers are used, because Christopher (the main character) really likes prime numbers. He also struggles to accurately interpret facial expressions, or tone of voice. He also likes things that are well ordered, in particular he likes patterns. He also likes lists.

Now it’s funny how the term autist is used on 4chan, to describe people like me. That is, anyone who struggles socially. Although since getting a customer facing job I’ve become a bit better at holding eye contact, making small talk, and so on, I am still pretty awful with people. The thing is though, I’ve never really had trouble understanding people, or picking up on social cues and nuances. I’m actually quite the opposite of autistic, even if my worst social moments may externally resemble those of someone with autism the internal mechanism is entirely different. I am overly self conscious, I’m too aware of what others are feeling and thinking and what the social subtext is rather than not aware enough. The result however, does seem superficially similar. That is, between robots and high functioning autists, people with Asperger’s for example. Which is what the character of Christopher is, or at least on his way to becoming. After all he is still quite young, although older than I was when I first read this book.

That’s basically the germ of an idea I had for this post, this analysis or investigation of how the term autism is used in a slang way on 4chan (and the internet more generally speaking). Yes of course it’s older than that. You can find films from the 80s where autism (or sperg, autist, ’tist, etc.) is used by school kids as a generic insult for nerdy/ awkward kids. Online though it’s really taken on a whole new life, so to speak, there’s a lot you could say about it. I think it’s really interesting that in fact a mind that works in some ways exactly oppositely to how certain autistic people work (in a figurative sense, not necessarily in terms of actual brain structure. I wouldn’t know) creates a very similar outward result. I’ve known people with actual autism, a good friend of mine as a boy for many years was autistic, the way he thought was very different to how I did.

It’s something I’ve been thinking about lately actually, after a certain awkward chat with one of the customers a few months ago I was trying to go over it and find out exactly what I was doing that weirded people out so much and I realised that from an outside perspective I really do come off kind of like an autist. For example, I’ll respond to “small talk” style questions very literally. Now I know that the unwritten rule is that you’re not really meant to answer those questions but answer a question they didn’t ask you. Like, if someone asks what music you listen to, instead of just naming the musicians you like in order of most listens on your device you’re meant to talk about some music related thing you’ve done recently or something like that.

I know this from observation, I’ve seen small talk when it goes smoothly and this is exactly how it goes. I’ve also read stuff online about this, it really is a good thing to know, but for most people it’s just muscle memory essentially. Because they were properly socialised I suppose and I somehow was not, but for me I have to remind myself to do this shit (and this question avoiding thing is like one of a million different stupid rules) and I have to do it in what is for me a high stress situation as well. I know that it’s pathetic that a simple conversation is “high stress”, but it is what it is and I can’t change that. So instead, when push comes to shove I just act on instinct instead of trying to “follow the rules” and I actually answer people’s questions… like a fucking autist.

I also don’t want to feel like I’m trying to dominate a conversation, I feel like if I just talk about something only semi-related to what was asked the person will think I have an agenda and then they’ll be resentful and talk about me to others or whatever normies do. I’ve experienced gossip since starting this job, they all get along great in person but then have complaints about the exact kind of thing I just mentioned and things like it. So I’m not imagining it, if I want to get along well with people I have to ironically kind of annoy them. It’s the only way, you have to have some kind of presence. I’m a people pleaser though, it’s my weakness, so it’s like going against my programming.

So I have to learn these rules, but for most people if you pointed out these specific “rules” they wouldn’t even know they were following them. In fact, they’d probably think you’re pretty fucking weird for even giving this stuff so much thought. For them, they neither realise they’re doing a dance every time they engage with one another, nor have the self awareness that they’re all equally as pushy or forceful in conversation as they complain about everyone else being. If you’re autistic you may have the lack of awareness, but you don’t understand the “rules”, and if you’re like what we might call a robot (or a foreveralone maybe, I’m really not sure what to call myself) you’re very aware of how people will judge you and resent you. In fact you understand these rules more explicitly than any normie, but you’re too self conscious. The ultimate expression of these internal processes, how you appear to the normie, looks rather similar in the end. You’ll try so hard, and get so far, but in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

I have two contrasting examples, that may illustrate my point. On the one hand let’s take a famous person who is diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, Greta Thunberg. And btw I do not appreciate all you meanies on 4chan (/pol/ in particular, not that I spend much time there these days) being so horrible about this little girl. I don’t care if she’s a government plant or whatever you believe, she’s a qt pie with a good heart and you can leave her alone. Joan of Arc was a puppet for more shadowy forces too, Greta will be a similar kind of spiritual figurehead for the new eco friendly reich that will soon arise. Anyway, you look at this interview with her and you can quite clearly tell that she’s not quite socialised normally.

She’s reasonably confident given that this is a 16 year old girl from a small irrelevant European country on a huge American news show, but she’s still a bit “off”. She doesn’t really hold eye contact when answering questions, she seems to look down a few times when making a statement like she’s not quite sure of her own words. I’m not great at analysing people but it’s just clear that she does indeed have autism. Now to contrast I have this interview from Robert Smith I saw recently at a Japanese music festival. There’s a new Cure album coming out soon, so I’ve been watching any new interview that comes out for information about it, and this one I’ve watched quite a few times because it reminds me so much of myself. Indeed if I had to try and give you an example of how I am in person (at least until I get comfortable around you), I would probably suggest this video.

Anyway, I’m pretty certain Robert Smith does not have autism or any associated mental illness. I’ve read a lot about him, probably too much, and I’ve never seen any mention of something like that. Yet, that interview is incredibly similar to the one with based Greta. The stilted speech in particular is what really strikes you. Now Robert Smith is no robot (if you want a robot musician, that would be Nick Drake), he’s happily married and the frontman of an internationally famous rock band, but there is some similarity. He’s certainly a gentle soul, and had only a few things gone differently would easily be another guy on /r9k/, that’s why his music resonates so much with me I think.

This post is a total mess, I’m not going to try and pretend otherwise. The quality of this blog is really all over the place, some weeks I’m really proud of what I’ve written and other weeks I’m hesitant to even go through with uploading the post I’ve got. Maybe I should upload less, I have come to this conclusion before but I always end up coming back to this weekly schedule. And to be fair, some months I do have a post I’m proud of every week, but more often I simply rush things through and that is a problem I have. Now I do have some interesting ideas in the works, it’s not all bad news, but maybe I’ll try to break away from this weekly thing again. I’ll see, clearly I have some kind of compulsion to keep writing every week but maybe when I feel like a post isn’t working out instead of doing what I’m doing here and complaining about my post being bad to extend the wordcount I’ll just give it a few days and try and make something worthwhile or delete the thing and skip a week.

I’ve also had a really stressful week, there’s been a lot of stuff going on and I may write about that but I’m gonna wait until I know how things end up first. I’ll see what happens, and then perhaps I’ll decide what to do. I also have another idea in the works, for a different post that I think could be a lot of fun for both for me to put together and for others to read, and I’m gonna see Joker next week so maybe that will give me something to talk about. It’s certainly made a splash in the usual circles I tend to frequent. So, it’s not like I don’t have plans. I’ve read back through a lot of this blog over the last couple days, because I wanted to find a few certain entries to show someone, and that’s really reminded me of how much of a mess this blog is. For every post I’m really happy with, there’s a rushed and low quality one like this as well. I think that compared to the early days I’ve improved a lot but there’s a lot of work to be done yet. If I want to make this thing into something I can be truly happy to have worked to create.

I’m not keeping this book btw, if that’s not clear. I read it many times over back in the day, I’ve talked about this before but I would read and re-read the same books multiple times in a row often and this was one of those. I possibly read this one ten times or more, sometimes I’d finish it and just start back at chapter one the same night. It was like a friend, but those days are over now.

Link to Part 8

Link to Part 10