My dad is getting back later this afternoon, it’s been a really nice two weeks and as predicted I was far more productive in these two weeks than I have been since his last trip ended around the time I started this blog. He’s not even back yet and I’m already having a harder time writing than I have the last couple of weeks. It’s been like this the last two days as well, I sat down to try and write yesterday and Saturday but I just couldn’t do it despite having a few good ideas for posts I want to write. I don’t understand it, it’s like the mere idea of him being around completely squashes any motivation or drive. I don’t know why I’m like this, in the week and a half immediately after he left I was able to get three pretty good (relative to the average for this blog, in my opinion) and fairly long posts out. That’s more than some entire months for me, one of them was the longest I’ve ever written so far.
I have less free time because when he’s not here I have to cook, go shopping, wash up, etc. on top of still going in to work, yet I’m able to write about twice as much. When I sit down to write in the main room, which is brighter and more comfortable, I can just open up a new document and start writing without any difficulty. When I’m sitting in my bedroom like I am now, I moved my stuff back in here this morning, I’ll sometimes have a blank document up for hours and be unable to write at all. I can also go back to a post that is only half finished and get right back into it with no real difficulty when I have no one around, as I did with the most recent upload in fact, whereas over the last year I’ve had several posts half finished in the drafts section for months on end.
I thought perhaps I was looking back on his other trips away through rose tinted glasses when I talked about them in this post a few months ago, but no this recent trip has completely validated what I said there. I’ve been so much more productive over the last couple weeks, not just in regards to this blog either. The place is also cleaner than it has been in years as I said in one of the recent posts, I’ve been doing push ups and sit ups multiple days a week, I was finally able to do my first tests with psychedelics (which I spoke about in both of the above linked posts coincidentally), and I finally managed to get in contact with my friend who I haven’t seen since last year and it’s possible though admittedly unlikely that we might end up going away together like we agreed to after all.
See, I’ve been alluding to my fears about losing the two friends I have a lot over the last half year or so but for the aforementioned reason whenever I’ve tried to write a post entirely about these fears I’ve been unable to. Basically, one of these friends I have been quite distant with for years now and I have talked about that but in the last half year I’ve gone from speaking to the other friend multiple times a week to roughly once month. Meanwhile, the friend I was already speaking to only a couple times a year was now not even responding to me when I tried to get in contact and plan this trip we talked about last summer. The problem I have is I asked for a two week break from work ages ago during the period of time we said we would go away, so now I have two weeks break coming up where I’ll be completely stuck if this trip doesn’t end up happening.
If this had been a year ago, I’d at least have that friend I spoke and played vidya with regularly to talk to like during my NEET days, he probably has no idea about this whatsoever but he was the only thing that kept me sane during that time. I’m going to be sitting in my room, I could very possibly end up not leaving the flat once the entire two weeks if this trip doesn’t happen, and I won’t even have him to talk to. My uncle won’t ask me to do anything because he thinks I’m still going away on this trip, and I’m too ashamed to admit that I wasn’t able to organise it properly and had to cancel it. I doubt I’ll even use the time productively to get lots of reading done, or to write more posts, because as I’ve said before there’s this paradoxical thing where more free time ends up making me more lethargic. I get less done the more free time I have, and of course as I’ve said in this post my dad’s presence also demotivates me greatly.
Now I’m supposed to be meeting both of them on Wednesday evening to get something to eat and plan this trip, but I’m just really wary about one of them cancelling or our schedules not being able to match up. That’s what happened last year after all, we were meant to hire a car and go on a road trip to Ben Nevis (the tallest mountain in the British isles), but we weren’t able to arrange it in time because it took so long to organise things properly. Instead we went camping for a few days in Dorset, and visited the town of Weymouth which I went to many times as a child and wanted to see again. Explaining to my uncle that the plan had failed was very embarrassing, which is why I’m going to have to lie this time if it goes wrong. I lied to my co-workers last year and told them that I went on that initially planned trip, partly because of how much I had hated explaining to my uncle that things had fell through with the original plan.
I don’t know what I’m going to do, what if he asks if I took any photos during the trip? I told my co-workers as well that I was just going on a camping trip, like I actually did last year. They don’t care enough to bother asking to see photos thankfully. Hopefully it’ll continue to be rainy and cloudy like it has been the last week while my break lasts, gif kinda related, so it won’t be so suspicious to both my uncle and co-workers that I’m so pale when I’ve supposedly been walking around in the sun all day. I was thinking that I might have to just go and walk around in the park alone for several hours every day of my break just to deal with that, jesus how depressing would that be..
This is a pretty pointless post, I just wanted to vent and also to upload something because it’s been a good few days since my last one and I’ve noticed on the stats page that people have been checking in daily. As the title says, I imagine the speed I write and upload new posts at will slow down a bit now but at least you know. I’ll probably start writing the next “Books” entry in a day or two so that should be the next post unless I’m hit with a sudden sense of inspiration to write about something else but that’s rather unlikely. I’ve also bought some 1cP-LSD which is a legal (in germany anyway, I had to get it sent here) analogue substance to LSD and has very similar if not the exact same psychoactive effects. So once I can find the time to try that I will, and I’ll get to write about it in the next “Alternate states” entry. That’s all I’ve got in the works right now, thanks for reading.
Ramblings of a neurotic mess 