Before
So this has come up sooner than I expected, I mentioned recently that I had purchased some tabs of 1cP-LSD online and not only did they arrive earlier than expected but an opportunity to take them has also come up sooner than I anticipated it would. I also mentioned recently that I was going to be meeting with my two friends last Wednesday to try and plan out some kind of trip away last minute, as my break from work officially starts this Sunday and only lasts two weeks. Now we weren’t able to plan anything, although they did seem slightly remorseful about this failure to plan properly and keep in touch so we may try to plan something early next year instead.
In the short term however, after realising I had these tabs and that one of them had his place to himself all week as his parents are on holiday, we thought that it would be a good idea to get together tomorrow (Saturday, I know my break doesn’t officially start until the following day but I’ve actually been off work since Tuesday as I had to take a few days off for reasons I’ll explain in a second) and take a tab each. I’m a little nervous as he has a dog, a young puppy, and I don’t want to start freaking out if it runs into the room and starts yelping and trying to lick me while I’m tripping or something. The other friend who’ll be there seemed to feel similarly to me as well.
So it’s possible we’ll end up not doing it but we’ll see what happens. Either way, I’ve started writing this now so I’ll probably upload the post anyway as another failure like the first part in this series was if that happens. I’ll still have all five tabs, and there will be other opportunities. I imagine if we don’t take the tabs we’ll likely end up getting quite drunk instead and large quantities of alcohol can also lead to interesting experiences, so perhaps I’ll end up writing about that instead. We shall see, either way I expect I’ll end up staying the night and getting little sleep so I probably won’t start writing the “after” section of this post until Monday or even Tuesday.
Speaking of lack of sleep, I’ve actually been having some pretty bad insomnia all throughout this last week. Monday was when it started, the first day my dad got back from his trip away. He brought some ciders back for me from where he’d been, and I had two which isn’t much as they’re only about 4% alcohol content and the bottles aren’t too big, but they had quite an effect on me. Maybe it’s because I had very little to eat that day, boiled eggs and soldiers in the morning and we ordered pizza that night. Either way I felt very sleepy after drinking them and I went to bed a couple hours earlier than my usual time. Instead of falling off to sleep though, I just lay there getting warmer and warmer and more uncomfortable. I felt myself slowly sobering up, and the dehydration and dry mouth really started to become noticeable.
I had to work the next day, a late shift as well so I got to start late at least but I was meant to be there until nine in the evening. I looked at the clock at one point and it was now one in the morning (the usual time I go to bed), then a little while later and it was half past two, and then I checked again when my pillow had gone completely flat and my heart was starting to beat fast as I freaked out about how I’d handle the shift at work the next day and it was after four. I read some things about how to help falling asleep on my phone for about ten minutes and saw something about how you should get out of bed and do an activity then come back. So at half past four in the morning, I went and took one of my sleeping pills which I have for emergencies (I usually take them the night before a morning shift, but I don’t get those any more thankfully) and took half only as the effects last eight hours and then I went and spent the next twenty minutes having a shave.
I reasoned that it would be better to do it now and then I wouldn’t have to worry about getting up early to do it before work, if I still couldn’t sleep after that I could at least stay in bed until midday. Luckily it worked, I fell asleep shortly after returning to bed. I had forgotten to turn my alarm off though, and so at half past nine it went off and the daylight made it impossible to get back to sleep. So I figured I probably got about four hours that night, and went in to work. Now it’s been a long time since this happened but I did once stay up for over 36 hours and so I knew I could get though the day if I had to, but it was not fun. Luckily I didn’t have to deal with customers for too long, as the manager had a special job for me in the office (sorting out old papers, which took hours) and I went back to finish the last hour and a half of my shift but the girl working there who I was sharing the shift with could tell I was struggling to stay awake and she let me go home early. Which was really nice, but it didn’t help that much unfortunately as even though I was struggling to stay awake as soon as I got home and into bed I was suddenly no longer as tired.
I managed to fall asleep after a couple hours, I’d taken the other half of that pill after an hour and the complete exhaustion eventually overtook me. So I was fortunate that night, but the next day I woke up kind of groggy still, perhaps because I overcompensated and slept too much that night in the end. I probably got nine hours or more in total that time. This was Wednesday, so the day I met my friends and we made the plans we have for tomorrow, and that was fun but then that night I had the same problem. I went to bed at one in the morning, but after hours and hours of tossing and turning it was once again getting close to five am. So while some of my co-workers were getting up to start their morning shift, I was still trying to get to sleep, and I had to work again, this time until half past ten at night.
I did luckily fall asleep shortly after taking the a full sleeping pill, but then I ended up waking up before the alarm even went off for some reason at around eight. I assumed that the day would be impossible to get through, and so I called in sick and asked for the day off. My manager said it was fine, and gave me the Friday (today) off as well, which helped me to relax a bit. In fact I didn’t actually feel that tired yesterday somehow, it was the night in which I got the least sleep of all of them but I somehow felt fine all day. It certainly helped that I could just lie around at home instead of having to go in to work, and perhaps what little sleep I did get was of particularly high quality thanks to the pill I took. I don’t know, what I did know was that that night before bedtime would be like preparing to go to war and so I took precautions.
I decided that my current mattress was not good enough, there’s a big dip in the centre that’s got worse over the years and makes it hard to get comfortable, so I took a blow up air mattress that is for camping and used that instead. My dad let me use one of his pillows, as again mine have just been worn down over the years and have no substance left. My dad also went to the chemist while doing other shopping and they suggested these valerian root drops which I dropped in my chamomile tea that night. They have a nasty taste but seem to be helpful. I did 100 sit ups a few hours before bedtime, then had a cold shower a little after that. I had a banana one hour before going to bed, then turned off the laptop and read for a while and then finally got in to bed. It still took me a good hour or so, and I woke up in the middle of the night around four-ish and briefly freaked out before realising I had just woken up and already had some sleep, but I did get back to sleep a little while after that and so overall things were a success.
As for tonight I’m still a little worried, unlike yesterday I had a good night’s sleep last night so I’m not too tired yet even though it’s getting dark now. I have done 50 press ups and 50 bodyweight squats today just to use some energy up, and I’ll have a cold shower and do all the same stuff as last night later on, but I can’t say I’m not a little worried. Then again, maybe that worry is one of the things causing this. I know that after tomorrow I’ll have two weeks with no obligations to fix this, but I really don’t want to be running on half fuel tomorrow. Especially because I have heard a lot about how an LSD trip can make it difficult to sleep, so no matter what I’ll likely get very little sleep tomorrow night. Sunday will be unbearable if I have two nights in a row with only a few hours.
I just don’t understand why this has happened to me this week, once every couple months I’ll have a particularly bad night like Monday or Wednesday this week were, but this is something new. I’m really worried that I’m going to inherit my mother’s chronic insomnia, which is weird because she only seemed to develop it quite late in life. Maybe I’m wrong, but it really only seemed to start while I was in my very early teens, and she had me when she was 39 so it was her late 40s by the time she started to experience difficulty sleeping. So for most of her life it wasn’t a problem, or maybe I was just not told about it who knows.
Now even though LSD might cause sleeping trouble in the short term, the ray of hope I have is that there is some evidence to suggest that in the long term it can actually help with insomnia among other things. It’s mostly anecdotal, as far as I’m aware there haven’t been any medical studies like with the positive benefits of certain psychedelics for depression and PTSD, but you can certainly find reports of people online who say that LSD and other psychs like psylocibin helped with sleeping troubles.
Now of course I’m not actually taking LSD, and this is the last thing I wanted to talk about before ending this section. I’m actually going to be taking a chemical called 1cP-LSD. From what I understand there are several analogues to LSD that have been synthesised over the decades since it was made illegal, and 1cP-LSD is one of the most recently created. From what I understand though, what’s on the tab is a slightly different chemical but once consumed it becomes indistinguishable from LSD proper. There are a few trip reports I’ve been able to find, which seem to describe it as an incredibly similar experience although a little less long lasting (which is preferable actually), but it is a relatively new and untested thing and that is a little concerning.
I only bought it because it was the only one I could find when I went looking, on the “clearnet” anyway, as I still haven’t figured out how to buy bitcoin without using ID. I was initially looking to buy 1P-LSD, a much more well known and established alternative, but the company that manufactures and distributes it is based in Germany which recently banned the substance. Conveniently though, this new alternative just so happened to be discovered as this law came into effect. There’s actually a bit of a conspiracy theory that the company has made this new substance up and is actually just selling their old 1P-LSD off claiming it’s something new when it actually isn’t. Who knows, who really cares. I would actually prefer that to be true, I’m a little nervous about trying something with very few existing reports around and I did initially intend to just buy 1P-LSD. Either way, I don’t have anything else to say now.
After
Ok, I’ve delayed writing this because I’ve been feeling a little odd the last couple days, but I think I’m ready now. I’m sure that it was in part a drawn out “come down”, but what’s odd is that I’ve been told that the come down from pyschedelics is usually very warm and more like an afterglow than the kind of experience usually associated with coming down from a high. I don’t really understand exactly what these terms are meant to be for, obviously I’m not frequent drug user and I kind of have a bit of disgust for drug culture and psychedelic/ pot culture especially so. I’m just being honest, I don’t like the way they talk or express themselves, I don’t like the aesthetics or style associated with people like that, and a lot of them seem really dense as well.
My point in saying that is that I’m possibly using terms slightly wrong, but from my understanding the “come down” is the period in the day or so following a drug experience. It’s basically another word for a hangover, maybe a hangover is more describing the physical effect of alcohol (dehydration primarily, which is why drinking lots of water can significantly minimise hangover effects) but it is also about the altered state of mind. So the term come down might more be describing the state of mind but I think the bodily feeling is also considered. It’s a matter of emphasis, that’s all. At least that is how I have interpreted it in reading the reports of others.
So this kind of leads me into the first very noteworthy thing about the whole experience actually, which is the physical effect of the drug. It was something I was quite unprepared for, and I’m very glad that one of the friends there (the very much more normie one of course) was around to explain to me how normal what I was feeling was. Within half an hour of swallowing the tab I felt very constricted, like my chest was being crushed and it was hard to breathe almost. If I had been on my own and started experiencing this it would have terrified me, but he explained how it was pretty standard and it would pass shortly. See he didn’t actually take the drug, only me and the other friend (the one who’s place we were staying at) took a tab.
Now this other friend didn’t have anywhere near as intense an experience as me, I have no idea why but it seemed to hardly affect him at all at first. While I was burying my head in my arms, or the sofa, the two of them were just chatting normally. I had more to eat than him because I had a full meal that morning and a pizza at his, I’m quite a bit taller than him and so probably weigh more although I am quite skinny and he is quite overweight at the moment (his weight fluctuates pretty drastically, I’ve seen him go from as big as he is now to skinnier than me and back to being fat again), it’s very odd. He is quite a resilient individual, he also rarely seems to suffer from hangovers after we drink whereas a bad hangover for me can last two days. So eventually he decided he needed to walk his dog, about an hour after we took the tabs.
They were considering leaving me behind because I didn’t seem up to it apparently, but I insisted on coming along. As soon as we stepped outside I felt better, the cool late afternoon breeze immediately lessened the heavy feeling I had. See as well as the constricted feeling I had also begun to feel very heavy and slow, and I had a weird feeling that is close to nausea but I would say was something different. I didn’t feel like throwing up at all, there was no feeling like that, but it was related to that feeling you have when you do need to throw up in a way I can’t quite articulate. A sort of sickly, unpleasant sensation like how it is right before you start to feel that way, but drawn out.
So we went to take the lift downstairs and I remember as soon as we were inside it these feelings got worse again. I had to crouch down, leaning on the wall somewhat, to keep my composure. The dog did not enjoy being inside the lift at all, it was bouncing around and kept pawing at me as if I could somehow help. I did feel a certain connection to the dog because of this. I hate using that word to describe the experience, because it makes me sound exactly like the kind of people I was talking about at the start of this section of the entry, but I can’t think of a better word for it. I was able to empathise with it, dare I say to relate. I could understand how it felt, because as soon as I was inside the lift I also felt instinctively uneasy.
It’s weird, I’ve been in lifts many times and never had this problem but this time I did feel it. “I’m stuck in a small metal box with no window, no escape!”. Of course the dog would freak out, it doesn’t know what the hell is going on when it’s brought inside such a place. It’s an environment that is so far removed from the kind of place any mammal would seek out in the wild. So I guess this means that the drug somehow allowed me to be more in touch with or closer to my “natural state”. I was still conscious, I was still ultimately me with all my individual and civilised peculiarities but there was this clarity. I was a little more aware of how unusual said peculiarities were than I usually am. The thing is though, most drugs can do this to me. Even alcohol, the first time I got really seriously drunk I remember remarking that I felt like “what normal people feel like all of the time”.
It’s a bit like what I talked about in this older entry, in a sense. I talked about quite a few things, but there’s a similarity in that I’m talking about similar ideas. I suppose, if you haven’t already, by checking that post you’ll have a better understanding of the deeper point I’m trying to make in this one. Possibly anyway, although I admit that post isn’t one of my best. It’s from very soon after I started writing so there are mistakes, and I don’t agree with everything I said as I have evolved in my thinking as I’ve been writing this blog, however it’s good to have a record of how my thoughts have developed. Back to the account of the trip though.
So we got outside and were walking down the side streets as my pupils had become rather dilated and I was a little worried about people noticing. Shortly after the dog needed to poo, and so my friend pulled a plastic bag out to pick it up. I of course was a little disgusted by the sight, and we were all joking about how gross it was and being silly. I made a retching noise, in jest, but by doing so I actually felt myself doing it genuinely. I somehow willed myself to actually feel like vomiting, and I had to sit down to relax or I might have actually thrown up. Perhaps I was in a more malleable state, I’m not sure, it was very odd. So I sat down on the curb, and looked down at the ground.
This was when I had my first odd visual experience of the evening. It was a very mild one, much like what I experienced on 2-CB, really just a slight distortion of what was already there in front of me. See I was intending to just sit down for a second to relax, and then I was going to catch up with my friends, but instead one of them came running back from some distance away and said I’d been there for ages. What happened was that I had just been admiring the pattern on the tarmac and completely lost track of time, I can’t really explain why because it wasn’t really very different from how it usually looks. I was just drawn in by the complexity of the swirls and little stones, there was also a pinkish glow coming from it and I imagine that was because of the drugs.
So I was completely and totally contented to just sit there staring forever and I kind of forgot about anything else entirely. Then as I said my friend came and brought me out of that state. I was a bit shaken at first, and when he asked me if I was doing ok I just mumbled something about how I was doing fine and had just been enjoying the patterns. He seemed to find my response very amusing, but also seemed a little concerned and he said we should probably get back inside soon. I’d had a few seconds to get my bearings now though, so I explained that I didn’t mean I was just seeing imaginary patterns I meant the patterns that were already there. So we caught back up with the friend walking the dog and walked for a few more minutes before going back to his flat.
We got back inside, and the friend who was sitting (trip sitting that is, as in he was the one not taking the drug) decided that maybe we should put some music on. We had started watching The Two Towers before we left, but we had hardly been paying attention. Not that it matters, I’ve seen all three of the Peter Jackson LoTR films so many times I basically know every line that’s going to be said before a character says it. At this point any unpleasant bodily feeling had left, and I sank into the sofa with the fan right next to me feeling incredibly comfortable. So one of them opened up spotify on his xbox, they were signed into my spotify account already from earlier that day, and someone handed the controller to me. For some reason, in recent years when the three of us hang out I’m put in charge of the soundtrack.
I was flicking through the albums and being really indecisive, to be fair I was very easily distracted in this state and finding it hard to focus on more than one thing at once so every turn of the conversation took me away from deciding what music to put on, but eventually I decided to play something by The Cure. They are my favourite band after all, and I haven’t listened to anything from them for a while so I thought that in this state something familiar would be nice and so I decided to go with Wish. I thought that their earlier stuff would not fit the mood whatsoever, I wanted something more cheerful, and the cover of this one really stood out to me. I’ve never really paid attention to it before, but for some reason the art just really stood out to me this time.
It’s a really cool album cover actually, and The Cure have a lot of fantastic album covers but after this I might have to say this one is my favourite. That’s partly because I had what was probably the most crazy hallucinatory experience of the evening while staring at it though, so there’s a memory attached to it now. I’ve also really changed my mind about this album since I last talked about it, I think maybe I overlooked it which is easy to do as it’s overshadowed by Disintegration which came right before it but I actually think it has a real charm. It’s probably the best of the “cheery” Cure albums to be honest, and sure it still has a somewhat melancholic undertone this is The Cure we’re talking about but it did a great job of bringing me out of the dip I was in after the somewhat unpleasant come up experience.
So, we were listening to that for a while and I was somewhat zoned out for a while, but the dog was really energetic because the short walk had woken him up and he was running around the flat and jumping on the sofa barking and panting. Now while that would usually bother me as I’m not great with animals and I’ve always been a little uncomfortable around dogs I actually wasn’t bothered by it at all. Despite having very little energy all of a sudden after returning from the walk, I kind of just wanted to sit on the sofa and let the fan cool me, I ended up playing with the dog quite a bit. I played tug of war with it, it bit onto this rope and we’d both pull against one another, and then after that I sat back down and it came and sat down right next to me and leaned against me.
Honestly this was the most comfortable I’ve ever felt around a dog, I was completely at ease even though it was right next to me. I put my arm around it and rested my head on it’s side and I was so comforted that I remember thinking to myself that the thing I was most concerned might lead to a frightening or negative experience was the thing that helped me the most. There was something about how innocent and full of energy and life it was that was weirdly very reassuring for me. It’s hard to explain how I felt, but it was something I hadn’t experienced before.
It got bored of just sitting there after a short while though, and the friend who hadn’t taken anything decided to go and play with it some more to help get him to settle and relax. So at this point I turned back to the television screen to look at the album art some more and I noticed it slowly start to move. Take a brief look at it, as I said it’s the image in the header. Now to me it looks a little like sperm and egg cells, the black stringy ink figures might be people or creatures of some kind (they also mostly form into eye shapes, but notice in the top right there’s also some kind of bird or bug) but when taken as a whole the image does resemble a microscopic image of sperm and egg cells meeting. Well they started moving, just lightly swaying from side to side in time with the music at first.
Then the blue circle, which could be representative of an egg cell (life, I suppose) but also has a blue and white pattern inside like the sky on a summer’s day, appeared to be closer towards me than the rest of the album. It’s hard to explain the effect, but the closest example I can think of that might give you a good impression is like when you see a 3D film at the cinema. How some things will pop out from the screen, and seem closer to you than others. It was like that, but only slight. The egg (which I’ll call it from now on) seemed to be floating out in front of the rest of the image, but only ever so slightly. It wasn’t right in my face by any means.
I looked back at the black figures, and at this point they weren’t simply swaying they were dancing. There’s no other way to put it, they were moving completely in time with the music. I can so vividly remember it, the song Doing The Unstuck was playing and they were so crisp and clear when they moved they looked like real living beings. I was shocked, completely taken aback. I remember putting my hand over my mouth unthinkingly, thunderstruck almost and unsure how to respond. I turned to my friend after watching them for a moment, the one who had taken a tab with me, “you see this too?”. He said he couldn’t, even after I explained what exactly I was seeing. I had thought perhaps it might be an effect of the app, bringing album art to life somehow, but in retrospect that couldn’t have been true.
I turned back, and now instead of just a static blue and white inside the egg I could actually see a sky inside of it. Like looking through a portal, or a window in a brick wall, I could see clouds gliding past from one side and disappearing as they reached the other. It was amazing, like there was another world I could climb through to on the other side of the egg. And yes, all this time the boys all around it continued to dance and shimmy. The music slowed down, I think the song Trust was playing, and so they were moving without as much gusto as at first but they were still at it. Then from the bottom of the album cover I noticed that there was smoke rising, as if an invisible bonfire was there just beneath it.
I was of course quite enthralled by this scene playing out in front of me, and so I spent quite some time just staring at it. At least, I think I did but it was really hard to keep track of time at this point. In some cases things seemed to move faster than they actually did and in others things lasted longer. See the “peak” of the trip which started with me putting Wish on seemed to last around half an hour but in hindsight it was actually closer to two hours. On the other hand the entire experience went by really fast, a whole ten hours that seemed to last half that time. Shortly after this my friend was quite annoyed that he wasn’t experiencing any effects when I clearly was, so I offered him the third tab which I had intended for the other friend to take initially. Instead, they cut in in half diagonally and took one piece each.
Which means the one friend who had taken the tab initially with me was now on 150ug, I was on 100ug, and the other friend was now on a minor dose of 50ug. The friend who took just the half tab didn’t seem to experience much, but after about an hour the friend who took 150ug in total started laughing pretty uncontrollably. It was a laughing fit really, he didn’t stop for more than a minute at most over a period of about two hours, even when he went to go and take a piss I could hear his laughter loudly through the walls. He didn’t however, experience any hallucinations apparently, which was interesting.
There were some more minor hallucinations I experienced, but none that quite stuck with me like that first one. One was when I was looking at the cover for a different album we played a few songs from before getting bored, Virtue by The Voidz, the grid/ cube thing in the background (the whole thing is up on youtube if you’re interested) was rotating in a way that didn’t make any sense and small coloured beads/ or lights were moving along the white lines of said grid like electrical signals or something. The colourful V shaped graph line thing in the foreground was also seemingly coming out of the screen like the egg had been as well.
Later on I was just staring at the ceiling and I noticed that it felt like a reptile’s belly, like we were staring at the underside of some giant lizard. It was like it was breathing and moving, it’s very hard to put into words but think of how you can just tell when you look at an animal that it’s alive by how it throbs and pulsates. The ceiling was like that, like a living being. I say reptilian because the wallpaper pattern my friend has looked like the scales of a crocodile, in fact it even had a slightly greenish hue but that might have been coming from the television. Much later after I thought the visual aspect of the trip was completely over I looked back up at the ceiling and noticed a more traditional LSD/ trippy pattern all around the lampshade. Colourful geometric shapes and patterns spinning around it, although they were very faint and I had to really concentrate to see them.
So eventually the peak of the trip ended, and for the rest of the night (which was quite some time) I would describe my experience as a pretty generic “high”. A little similar to after smoking weed or having a few beers, but most similar of all to my experience with the morning glory seeds a few weeks ago. Which makes a certain sense I suppose, they are both psychedelics and therefore the most similar. I’ve also heard it said that at lower doses most drugs seem pretty similar, and it’s only really at the higher doses that the unique aspects of a drug really shine. Which leads me into what I want to talk about to finish this post.
I’m not sure if I should have taken this drug this way, remember that I’m not really someone who engages in recreational drug use and I really started looking into these drugs because of all the stories about how they can be mentally beneficial and even have a healing effect. I’m not really looking for a good time, and in fact when speaking to the friend who only took the half tab about this disappointed feeling late that night he said that the more introspective experience really requires that you take the drug alone. He also advised that I don’t do such a thing though, and I don’t plan to in the short term as I want to let any tolerance I’ve built up (and psychedelic tolerance builds up very quickly, it’s even possible my experience with the morning glory seeds lessened the strength of this trip) go back down, but I think I have to do it alone next time.
So now I have two tabs left, which is 200ug in total. When I do eventually have a day alone, and both the day off work and the day following off as well, do I take both tabs or just one? I’ll be honest, if the body load I experienced at the beginning will be twice as intense on 200ug I’m a bit scared to do it. I won’t have my friend around to reassure me that it’s normal and part of the come up experience this time as well. I just feel like if I don’t take a higher dose, and 200ug isn’t an insane amount by any means, I’ll never get anything even like what I’m looking for from these drugs. The experience described in this post, while certainly very interesting and different for me, was not particularly helpful in any long term way.