Country walk

I think it’s time for a slightly different kind of post this week, see I was two and a half thousand words into another one of my sad little rambles and I realised that the whole shtick is getting a little old. The problem with those kinds of posts as well, is that if you don’t finish them all in one sitting it’s hard to maintain the momentum. They kind of just pour out of you while you’re in an emotional state, and it’s hard to come back the next day and try and recreate that feeling. It’s also not usually very nice trying to get back into that mindset either. So, I’ve deleted that post and instead it’s going to be positive vibes around here this week. Unless there are a series of drastic changes in my life soon, there will certainly be more sadposting from me in future don’t you worry, but not today.

So, a few days ago I went for a little walk in the countryside, and it was such a lovely day. You really do realise just how miserable and unnatural city living is after only a few hours away from one. I took a few photos as well, I wish I had taken more now but I will post the few that I have throughout this entry. The header image is of course also from the same set of photos. There was a nice bridge I crossed over a small river, that I regret not getting a picture of. There were some swans that I tried to take a photo of but I couldn’t get a good one, for obvious reasons I didn’t want to get too close to them. I might post the one I did get if this post ends up going on for a while and I run out of photos. Swans can be vicious bastards if you piss them off. Once when I was little I was on a small boat going down one of the canals near-ish to where I lived at the time and a swan chased us for about half a mile. It was a motorboat so it went reasonably fast, but the thing just flew along the surface of the water right behind us.

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I also saw quite a few cows as well, in fact immediately after walking past the trees in the photo right above (it’s hard to see, but the river is just to the right and I walked right along that for most of the time out there) I came to a field and that’s where they were. They were just grazing out in the open, there didn’t even seem to be anyone around in charge of them. I’m not sure if they were actually farm cows, because the area I was visiting was a reserve it’s possible they’re just left to roam around freely and aren’t kept for milk or meat. Which is nice, I may not have mentioned this before but I’m a vegetarian (most of the time) and I was raised vegetarian completely for the first ten years of my life. I’ve always drunk a lot of milk though. Anyway, my guess is that the cows are more like an exhibit for visitors to look at.

It’s a little odd walking around in such a place actually, because you can’t help but be aware that it’s kind of artificial. The trees, and streams and animals are all completely real of course, but it’s a recreation. This area I visited was farmland not too long ago I believe, there was a sign saying something like that if memory serves. There was a hilly area which I started along at first, before circling around and back along the river for the later two thirds of my walk, which supposedly had very poor soil quality and hadn’t ever been farmed. The lower area though, that would have been divided up into fields all growing one crop each like most of the country is to this day. This change probably happened within the last 50 years, restoration efforts are from what I understand all quite recent.

Whoever owns the land now, probably the local council, has tried to recreate this idealised vision of an untouched landscape, but of course in order to accomplish that a great deal of touching was in fact required. I’m not complaining exactly, It just feels a little odd. You’re walking through this area that looks like The Shire, for which Tolkien of course took southern England as his main inspiration, but yet you know that it’s been designed that way. It’s simulated, it’s like walking through a museum exhibit in that it’s deliberately been crafted and you can tell.

They also have a few nice old fashioned houses around (like in the next pic), and sure they are real houses that have people living in them, but they’re not actually old. I could be wrong, but from what I understand they’re just as new as the rest of the local developments. They’ve been designed in the style of a country house from the middle ages, I think the Tudor period, but they aren’t actually surviving buildings from that far back at all. It’s like a simulation of England as tourists perceive it to be. Go a few miles in any direction and there would just be modern towns with modern buildings or structured farmland with modern farming equipment. There were also a couple more contemporary looking houses which I saw to be fair, but those were closer to the edge of the reserve, I have a photo of one of those as well.

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It was a beautiful walk though, the weather was good, and it was very easy to get to sleep that night. I know it’s been a while since my last upload, but the trip I’m describing was over a week ago now, I’ve just been kind of finding it hard to stay motivated as I predicted. My point in bringing this up is that this was right after I was having a lot of trouble with sleep. Nevertheless, overall this month has been quite a productive one even if the last week and a half hasn’t been. Not only will this be the month with the second most uploads so far I believe, but I also uploaded my longest individual post so far early this month, and then an even longer one a couple weeks later. Not to say that having a longer word count for the sake of it means anything, I don’t see the value in trying to pad things out unnecessarily, and I wasn’t trying to do so with either of those posts. I just feel a sense of improvement/ accomplishment in that I’m getting better at writing and exploring whatever it is I choose to write about.

Back in school I always struggled to reach the word count for essays and homework assignments, because I was always so straightforward. Partly of course that was also because I just wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible (and yet now I do something fairly similar as a hobby, funny that), but I also did honestly struggle with trying to elaborate on a point. Reading some philosophy and non-fiction in the time since has helped me understand the importance of reiterating what you say in different ways, what I don’t understand is why no one taught me this and how it just came naturally to other people. I always assumed that you should try and be as concise as can be, and I still do think that if not careful you can end up being excessive in doing this. In fact I might end up talking about that (exhausting a point, beating a dead horse, being overly repetitive, etc) in a post soon, when I finish what I’m currently reading.

Anyway, that and the difficulty I had with finding a good starting point were what handicapped me the most I think. Even though I always did well in English lessons and in my GCSEs, I think I could have done better. Anyone can write well if they put in the effort, it’s not like mathematics which requires a certain raw intelligence I don’t have. I do sometimes wonder if instead of going for the sciences when I went on to do my A-levels, I might have done better to go for a more “literary” path. Frankly I couldn’t have done any worse, but I’m not just talking about grades I think I would have actually enjoyed myself more as well. Again though it’s time to change the subject, my tone will become noticeably more melancholy the more I stay on this.

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So hopefully I’ll recreate something like what it was like for me while taking this walk with this post. I don’t remember exactly what it was I thought about as I went along that day, it has been over a week now, but naturally I must have been thinking about something. I remember that just like above though, whenever my thoughts turned negative I did make the effort to stop that train and put my mind to other things. You can’t run away from reality forever, but it’s nice to take a break every once in a while. Whenever I needed to do this, I would take a moment to simply admire the scenery without thinking about anything whatsoever, so a little like how I’m using the photos to break up the subject changes.

I always say I’ll go outside and go for walks more often, but I never do. Well I clearly do on occasion, but not anywhere near as much as I could or should. I have been going to the park most days to read this week though, as the weather did indeed get a lot sunnier as I thought might happen and there are a few people who think I went away on holiday who might be a little suspicious if I show up to meet them looking as pale as a ghost. So my main intention has been to get more sun, but now I’m thinking I might just continue to do this after I go back to work solely for reading. I thought it would be quite depressing, but I’m actually enjoying it a lot. It makes my room feel a lot less like a prison as well.

I’ve only had one day this entire holiday where I spent the entire time inside, which is not at all what I predicted. I’m still on my own, and it’s only for a couple of hours a day, but it’s been good. I have actually had more things to do with other people than I expected as well on this break actually, mostly because it was my birthday. I went out to a restaurant with my uncle one evening, and I had a lovely time. I actually ended up seeing some family friends (who I’ve very briefly mentioned once before on this blog) from south America on two different occasions. Once for my birthday and once for the birthday of one of their cousins.

Quick summary, when I was in nursery about the age of three I became friends with a girl there and our parents became quite close friends after that. So I’ve known the family and they’ve known me since I was very very young. In fact the girl who I originally became friends with, has a sister a few years younger who I’ve known of course for her entire life. The younger sister actually said something about how she sees me as almost family on one of the two evenings recently. The thing is, sometimes I’ll see them several times during a month but it can also be several months at a time where I won’t see them, which is why I wasn’t even expecting to see them during this break. I almost ended up spending the day with them a few days ago but I was too tired that day.

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I’ll be going back to work next Monday, and it’s going to be quite a busy week. Not only am I working a couple of really late shifts, but I’ll probably be more tired out than usual on my off days. Just because it’s my first week back after two weeks of very little exertion of any kind and I’ve probably got a bit lazy. I have a few ideas for posts, in fact my drafts section is bigger than it ever has been, but it might be a good week or longer until I upload again. I started writing the next Books post about half a week ago but I found it much harder to write than I thought I would and I deleted everything I had. Before doing the same thing again with another post as I explained at the start of this one. So that next Books part might be the next one if I decide to give it another go, but maybe it’ll be something entirely different. I would like to finish that series up though, it’s gone on for far too long already.

I don’t really have much else to say, if you bothered to keep reading this far then I hope you’re having a good summer. Swans pictured below as promised.

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Alternate states: Test 3

Before

So this has come up sooner than I expected, I mentioned recently that I had purchased some tabs of 1cP-LSD online and not only did they arrive earlier than expected but an opportunity to take them has also come up sooner than I anticipated it would. I also mentioned recently that I was going to be meeting with my two friends last Wednesday to try and plan out some kind of trip away last minute, as my break from work officially starts this Sunday and only lasts two weeks. Now we weren’t able to plan anything, although they did seem slightly remorseful about this failure to plan properly and keep in touch so we may try to plan something early next year instead.

In the short term however, after realising I had these tabs and that one of them had his place to himself all week as his parents are on holiday, we thought that it would be a good idea to get together tomorrow (Saturday, I know my break doesn’t officially start until the following day but I’ve actually been off work since Tuesday as I had to take a few days off for reasons I’ll explain in a second) and take a tab each. I’m a little nervous as he has a dog, a young puppy, and I don’t want to start freaking out if it runs into the room and starts yelping and trying to lick me while I’m tripping or something. The other friend who’ll be there seemed to feel similarly to me as well.

So it’s possible we’ll end up not doing it but we’ll see what happens. Either way, I’ve started writing this now so I’ll probably upload the post anyway as another failure like the first part in this series was if that happens. I’ll still have all five tabs, and there will be other opportunities. I imagine if we don’t take the tabs we’ll likely end up getting quite drunk instead and large quantities of alcohol can also lead to interesting experiences, so perhaps I’ll end up writing about that instead. We shall see, either way I expect I’ll end up staying the night and getting little sleep so I probably won’t start writing the “after” section of this post until Monday or even Tuesday.

Speaking of lack of sleep, I’ve actually been having some pretty bad insomnia all throughout this last week. Monday was when it started, the first day my dad got back from his trip away. He brought some ciders back for me from where he’d been, and I had two which isn’t much as they’re only about 4% alcohol content and the bottles aren’t too big, but they had quite an effect on me. Maybe it’s because I had very little to eat that day, boiled eggs and soldiers in the morning and we ordered pizza that night. Either way I felt very sleepy after drinking them and I went to bed a couple hours earlier than my usual time. Instead of falling off to sleep though, I just lay there getting warmer and warmer and more uncomfortable. I felt myself slowly sobering up, and the dehydration and dry mouth really started to become noticeable.

I had to work the next day, a late shift as well so I got to start late at least but I was meant to be there until nine in the evening. I looked at the clock at one point and it was now one in the morning (the usual time I go to bed), then a little while later and it was half past two, and then I checked again when my pillow had gone completely flat and my heart was starting to beat fast as I freaked out about how I’d handle the shift at work the next day and it was after four. I read some things about how to help falling asleep on my phone for about ten minutes and saw something about how you should get out of bed and do an activity then come back. So at half past four in the morning, I went and took one of my sleeping pills which I have for emergencies (I usually take them the night before a morning shift, but I don’t get those any more thankfully) and took half only as the effects last eight hours and then I went and spent the next twenty minutes having a shave.

I reasoned that it would be better to do it now and then I wouldn’t have to worry about getting up early to do it before work, if I still couldn’t sleep after that I could at least stay in bed until midday. Luckily it worked, I fell asleep shortly after returning to bed. I had forgotten to turn my alarm off though, and so at half past nine it went off and the daylight made it impossible to get back to sleep. So I figured I probably got about four hours that night, and went in to work. Now it’s been a long time since this happened but I did once stay up for over 36 hours and so I knew I could get though the day if I had to, but it was not fun. Luckily I didn’t have to deal with customers for too long, as the manager had a special job for me in the office (sorting out old papers, which took hours) and I went back to finish the last hour and a half of my shift but the girl working there who I was sharing the shift with could tell I was struggling to stay awake and she let me go home early. Which was really nice, but it didn’t help that much unfortunately as even though I was struggling to stay awake as soon as I got home and into bed I was suddenly no longer as tired.

I managed to fall asleep after a couple hours, I’d taken the other half of that pill after an hour and the complete exhaustion eventually overtook me. So I was fortunate that night, but the next day I woke up kind of groggy still, perhaps because I overcompensated and slept too much that night in the end. I probably got nine hours or more in total that time. This was Wednesday, so the day I met my friends and we made the plans we have for tomorrow, and that was fun but then that night I had the same problem. I went to bed at one in the morning, but after hours and hours of tossing and turning it was once again getting close to five am. So while some of my co-workers were getting up to start their morning shift, I was still trying to get to sleep, and I had to work again, this time until half past ten at night.

I did luckily fall asleep shortly after taking the a full sleeping pill, but then I ended up waking up before the alarm even went off for some reason at around eight. I assumed that the day would be impossible to get through, and so I called in sick and asked for the day off. My manager said it was fine, and gave me the Friday (today) off as well, which helped me to relax a bit. In fact I didn’t actually feel that tired yesterday somehow, it was the night in which I got the least sleep of all of them but I somehow felt fine all day. It certainly helped that I could just lie around at home instead of having to go in to work, and perhaps what little sleep I did get was of particularly high quality thanks to the pill I took. I don’t know, what I did know was that that night before bedtime would be like preparing to go to war and so I took precautions.

I decided that my current mattress was not good enough, there’s a big dip in the centre that’s got worse over the years and makes it hard to get comfortable, so I took a blow up air mattress that is for camping and used that instead. My dad let me use one of his pillows, as again mine have just been worn down over the years and have no substance left. My dad also went to the chemist while doing other shopping and they suggested these valerian root drops which I dropped in my chamomile tea that night. They have a nasty taste but seem to be helpful. I did 100 sit ups a few hours before bedtime, then had a cold shower a little after that. I had a banana one hour before going to bed, then turned off the laptop and read for a while and then finally got in to bed. It still took me a good hour or so, and I woke up in the middle of the night around four-ish and briefly freaked out before realising I had just woken up and already had some sleep, but I did get back to sleep a little while after that and so overall things were a success.

As for tonight I’m still a little worried, unlike yesterday I had a good night’s sleep last night so I’m not too tired yet even though it’s getting dark now. I have done 50 press ups and 50 bodyweight squats today just to use some energy up, and I’ll have a cold shower and do all the same stuff as last night later on, but I can’t say I’m not a little worried. Then again, maybe that worry is one of the things causing this. I know that after tomorrow I’ll have two weeks with no obligations to fix this, but I really don’t want to be running on half fuel tomorrow. Especially because I have heard a lot about how an LSD trip can make it difficult to sleep, so no matter what I’ll likely get very little sleep tomorrow night. Sunday will be unbearable if I have two nights in a row with only a few hours.

I just don’t understand why this has happened to me this week, once every couple months I’ll have a particularly bad night like Monday or Wednesday this week were, but this is something new. I’m really worried that I’m going to inherit my mother’s chronic insomnia, which is weird because she only seemed to develop it quite late in life. Maybe I’m wrong, but it really only seemed to start while I was in my very early teens, and she had me when she was 39 so it was her late 40s by the time she started to experience difficulty sleeping. So for most of her life it wasn’t a problem, or maybe I was just not told about it who knows.

Now even though LSD might cause sleeping trouble in the short term, the ray of hope I have is that there is some evidence to suggest that in the long term it can actually help with insomnia among other things. It’s mostly anecdotal, as far as I’m aware there haven’t been any medical studies like with the positive benefits of certain psychedelics for depression and PTSD, but you can certainly find reports of people online who say that LSD and other psychs like psylocibin helped with sleeping troubles.

Now of course I’m not actually taking LSD, and this is the last thing I wanted to talk about before ending this section. I’m actually going to be taking a chemical called 1cP-LSD. From what I understand there are several analogues to LSD that have been synthesised over the decades since it was made illegal, and 1cP-LSD is one of the most recently created. From what I understand though, what’s on the tab is a slightly different chemical but once consumed it becomes indistinguishable from LSD proper. There are a few trip reports I’ve been able to find, which seem to describe it as an incredibly similar experience although a little less long lasting (which is preferable actually), but it is a relatively new and untested thing and that is a little concerning.

I only bought it because it was the only one I could find when I went looking, on the “clearnet” anyway, as I still haven’t figured out how to buy bitcoin without using ID. I was initially looking to buy 1P-LSD, a much more well known and established alternative, but the company that manufactures and distributes it is based in Germany which recently banned the substance. Conveniently though, this new alternative just so happened to be discovered as this law came into effect. There’s actually a bit of a conspiracy theory that the company has made this new substance up and is actually just selling their old 1P-LSD off claiming it’s something new when it actually isn’t. Who knows, who really cares. I would actually prefer that to be true, I’m a little nervous about trying something with very few existing reports around and I did initially intend to just buy 1P-LSD. Either way, I don’t have anything else to say now.

After

Ok, I’ve delayed writing this because I’ve been feeling a little odd the last couple days, but I think I’m ready now. I’m sure that it was in part a drawn out “come down”, but what’s odd is that I’ve been told that the come down from pyschedelics is usually very warm and more like an afterglow than the kind of experience usually associated with coming down from a high. I don’t really understand exactly what these terms are meant to be for, obviously I’m not frequent drug user and I kind of have a bit of disgust for drug culture and psychedelic/ pot culture especially so. I’m just being honest, I don’t like the way they talk or express themselves, I don’t like the aesthetics or style associated with people like that, and a lot of them seem really dense as well.

My point in saying that is that I’m possibly using terms slightly wrong, but from my understanding the “come down” is the period in the day or so following a drug experience. It’s basically another word for a hangover, maybe a hangover is more describing the physical effect of alcohol (dehydration primarily, which is why drinking lots of water can significantly minimise hangover effects) but it is also about the altered state of mind. So the term come down might more be describing the state of mind but I think the bodily feeling is also considered. It’s a matter of emphasis, that’s all. At least that is how I have interpreted it in reading the reports of others.

So this kind of leads me into the first very noteworthy thing about the whole experience actually, which is the physical effect of the drug. It was something I was quite unprepared for, and I’m very glad that one of the friends there (the very much more normie one of course) was around to explain to me how normal what I was feeling was. Within half an hour of swallowing the tab I felt very constricted, like my chest was being crushed and it was hard to breathe almost. If I had been on my own and started experiencing this it would have terrified me, but he explained how it was pretty standard and it would pass shortly. See he didn’t actually take the drug, only me and the other friend (the one who’s place we were staying at) took a tab.

Now this other friend didn’t have anywhere near as intense an experience as me, I have no idea why but it seemed to hardly affect him at all at first. While I was burying my head in my arms, or the sofa, the two of them were just chatting normally. I had more to eat than him because I had a full meal that morning and a pizza at his, I’m quite a bit taller than him and so probably weigh more although I am quite skinny and he is quite overweight at the moment (his weight fluctuates pretty drastically, I’ve seen him go from as big as he is now to skinnier than me and back to being fat again), it’s very odd. He is quite a resilient individual, he also rarely seems to suffer from hangovers after we drink whereas a bad hangover for me can last two days. So eventually he decided he needed to walk his dog, about an hour after we took the tabs.

They were considering leaving me behind because I didn’t seem up to it apparently, but I insisted on coming along. As soon as we stepped outside I felt better, the cool late afternoon breeze immediately lessened the heavy feeling I had. See as well as the constricted feeling I had also begun to feel very heavy and slow, and I had a weird feeling that is close to nausea but I would say was something different. I didn’t feel like throwing up at all, there was no feeling like that, but it was related to that feeling you have when you do need to throw up in a way I can’t quite articulate. A sort of sickly, unpleasant sensation like how it is right before you start to feel that way, but drawn out.

So we went to take the lift downstairs and I remember as soon as we were inside it these feelings got worse again. I had to crouch down, leaning on the wall somewhat, to keep my composure. The dog did not enjoy being inside the lift at all, it was bouncing around and kept pawing at me as if I could somehow help. I did feel a certain connection to the dog because of this. I hate using that word to describe the experience, because it makes me sound exactly like the kind of people I was talking about at the start of this section of the entry, but I can’t think of a better word for it. I was able to empathise with it, dare I say to relate. I could understand how it felt, because as soon as I was inside the lift I also felt instinctively uneasy.

It’s weird, I’ve been in lifts many times and never had this problem but this time I did feel it. “I’m stuck in a small metal box with no window, no escape!”. Of course the dog would freak out, it doesn’t know what the hell is going on when it’s brought inside such a place. It’s an environment that is so far removed from the kind of place any mammal would seek out in the wild. So I guess this means that the drug somehow allowed me to be more in touch with or closer to my “natural state”. I was still conscious, I was still ultimately me with all my individual and civilised peculiarities but there was this clarity. I was a little more aware of how unusual said peculiarities were than I usually am. The thing is though, most drugs can do this to me. Even alcohol, the first time I got really seriously drunk I remember remarking that I felt like “what normal people feel like all of the time”.

It’s a bit like what I talked about in this older entry, in a sense. I talked about quite a few things, but there’s a similarity in that I’m talking about similar ideas. I suppose, if you haven’t already, by checking that post you’ll have a better understanding of the deeper point I’m trying to make in this one. Possibly anyway, although I admit that post isn’t one of my best. It’s from very soon after I started writing so there are mistakes, and I don’t agree with everything I said as I have evolved in my thinking as I’ve been writing this blog, however it’s good to have a record of how my thoughts have developed. Back to the account of the trip though.

So we got outside and were walking down the side streets as my pupils had become rather dilated and I was a little worried about people noticing. Shortly after the dog needed to poo, and so my friend pulled a plastic bag out to pick it up. I of course was a little disgusted by the sight, and we were all joking about how gross it was and being silly. I made a retching noise, in jest, but by doing so I actually felt myself doing it genuinely. I somehow willed myself to actually feel like vomiting, and I had to sit down to relax or I might have actually thrown up. Perhaps I was in a more malleable state, I’m not sure, it was very odd. So I sat down on the curb, and looked down at the ground.

This was when I had my first odd visual experience of the evening. It was a very mild one, much like what I experienced on 2-CB, really just a slight distortion of what was already there in front of me. See I was intending to just sit down for a second to relax, and then I was going to catch up with my friends, but instead one of them came running back from some distance away and said I’d been there for ages. What happened was that I had just been admiring the pattern on the tarmac and completely lost track of time, I can’t really explain why because it wasn’t really very different from how it usually looks. I was just drawn in by the complexity of the swirls and little stones, there was also a pinkish glow coming from it and I imagine that was because of the drugs.

So I was completely and totally contented to just sit there staring forever and I kind of forgot about anything else entirely. Then as I said my friend came and brought me out of that state. I was a bit shaken at first, and when he asked me if I was doing ok I just mumbled something about how I was doing fine and had just been enjoying the patterns. He seemed to find my response very amusing, but also seemed a little concerned and he said we should probably get back inside soon. I’d had a few seconds to get my bearings now though, so I explained that I didn’t mean I was just seeing imaginary patterns I meant the patterns that were already there. So we caught back up with the friend walking the dog and walked for a few more minutes before going back to his flat.

We got back inside, and the friend who was sitting (trip sitting that is, as in he was the one not taking the drug) decided that maybe we should put some music on. We had started watching The Two Towers before we left, but we had hardly been paying attention. Not that it matters, I’ve seen all three of the Peter Jackson LoTR films so many times I basically know every line that’s going to be said before a character says it. At this point any unpleasant bodily feeling had left, and I sank into the sofa with the fan right next to me feeling incredibly comfortable. So one of them opened up spotify on his xbox, they were signed into my spotify account already from earlier that day, and someone handed the controller to me. For some reason, in recent years when the three of us hang out I’m put in charge of the soundtrack.

I was flicking through the albums and being really indecisive, to be fair I was very easily distracted in this state and finding it hard to focus on more than one thing at once so every turn of the conversation took me away from deciding what music to put on, but eventually I decided to play something by The Cure. They are my favourite band after all, and I haven’t listened to anything from them for a while so I thought that in this state something familiar would be nice and so I decided to go with Wish. I thought that their earlier stuff would not fit the mood whatsoever, I wanted something more cheerful, and the cover of this one really stood out to me. I’ve never really paid attention to it before, but for some reason the art just really stood out to me this time.

It’s a really cool album cover actually, and The Cure have a lot of fantastic album covers but after this I might have to say this one is my favourite. That’s partly because I had what was probably the most crazy hallucinatory experience of the evening while staring at it though, so there’s a memory attached to it now. I’ve also really changed my mind about this album since I last talked about it, I think maybe I overlooked it which is easy to do as it’s overshadowed by Disintegration which came right before it but I actually think it has a real charm. It’s probably the best of the “cheery” Cure albums to be honest, and sure it still has a somewhat melancholic undertone this is The Cure we’re talking about but it did a great job of bringing me out of the dip I was in after the somewhat unpleasant come up experience.

So, we were listening to that for a while and I was somewhat zoned out for a while, but the dog was really energetic because the short walk had woken him up and he was running around the flat and jumping on the sofa barking and panting. Now while that would usually bother me as I’m not great with animals and I’ve always been a little uncomfortable around dogs I actually wasn’t bothered by it at all. Despite having very little energy all of a sudden after returning from the walk, I kind of just wanted to sit on the sofa and let the fan cool me, I ended up playing with the dog quite a bit. I played tug of war with it, it bit onto this rope and we’d both pull against one another, and then after that I sat back down and it came and sat down right next to me and leaned against me.

Honestly this was the most comfortable I’ve ever felt around a dog, I was completely at ease even though it was right next to me. I put my arm around it and rested my head on it’s side and I was so comforted that I remember thinking to myself that the thing I was most concerned might lead to a frightening or negative experience was the thing that helped me the most. There was something about how innocent and full of energy and life it was that was weirdly very reassuring for me. It’s hard to explain how I felt, but it was something I hadn’t experienced before.

It got bored of just sitting there after a short while though, and the friend who hadn’t taken anything decided to go and play with it some more to help get him to settle and relax. So at this point I turned back to the television screen to look at the album art some more and I noticed it slowly start to move. Take a brief look at it, as I said it’s the image in the header. Now to me it looks a little like sperm and egg cells, the black stringy ink figures might be people or creatures of some kind (they also mostly form into eye shapes, but notice in the top right there’s also some kind of bird or bug) but when taken as a whole the image does resemble a microscopic image of sperm and egg cells meeting. Well they started moving, just lightly swaying from side to side in time with the music at first.

Then the blue circle, which could be representative of an egg cell (life, I suppose) but also has a blue and white pattern inside like the sky on a summer’s day, appeared to be closer towards me than the rest of the album. It’s hard to explain the effect, but the closest example I can think of that might give you a good impression is like when you see a 3D film at the cinema. How some things will pop out from the screen, and seem closer to you than others. It was like that, but only slight. The egg (which I’ll call it from now on) seemed to be floating out in front of the rest of the image, but only ever so slightly. It wasn’t right in my face by any means.

I looked back at the black figures, and at this point they weren’t simply swaying they were dancing. There’s no other way to put it, they were moving completely in time with the music. I can so vividly remember it, the song Doing The Unstuck was playing and they were so crisp and clear when they moved they looked like real living beings. I was shocked, completely taken aback. I remember putting my hand over my mouth unthinkingly, thunderstruck almost and unsure how to respond. I turned to my friend after watching them for a moment, the one who had taken a tab with me, “you see this too?”. He said he couldn’t, even after I explained what exactly I was seeing. I had thought perhaps it might be an effect of the app, bringing album art to life somehow, but in retrospect that couldn’t have been true.

I turned back, and now instead of just a static blue and white inside the egg I could actually see a sky inside of it. Like looking through a portal, or a window in a brick wall, I could see clouds gliding past from one side and disappearing as they reached the other. It was amazing, like there was another world I could climb through to on the other side of the egg. And yes, all this time the boys all around it continued to dance and shimmy. The music slowed down, I think the song Trust was playing, and so they were moving without as much gusto as at first but they were still at it. Then from the bottom of the album cover I noticed that there was smoke rising, as if an invisible bonfire was there just beneath it.

I was of course quite enthralled by this scene playing out in front of me, and so I spent quite some time just staring at it. At least, I think I did but it was really hard to keep track of time at this point. In some cases things seemed to move faster than they actually did and in others things lasted longer. See the “peak” of the trip which started with me putting Wish on seemed to last around half an hour but in hindsight it was actually closer to two hours. On the other hand the entire experience went by really fast, a whole ten hours that seemed to last half that time. Shortly after this my friend was quite annoyed that he wasn’t experiencing any effects when I clearly was, so I offered him the third tab which I had intended for the other friend to take initially. Instead, they cut in in half diagonally and took one piece each.

Which means the one friend who had taken the tab initially with me was now on 150ug, I was on 100ug, and the other friend was now on a minor dose of 50ug. The friend who took just the half tab didn’t seem to experience much, but after about an hour the friend who took 150ug in total started laughing pretty uncontrollably. It was a laughing fit really, he didn’t stop for more than a minute at most over a period of about two hours, even when he went to go and take a piss I could hear his laughter loudly through the walls. He didn’t however, experience any hallucinations apparently, which was interesting.

There were some more minor hallucinations I experienced, but none that quite stuck with me like that first one. One was when I was looking at the cover for a different album we played a few songs from before getting bored, Virtue by The Voidz, the grid/ cube thing in the background (the whole thing is up on youtube if you’re interested) was rotating in a way that didn’t make any sense and small coloured beads/ or lights were moving along the white lines of said grid like electrical signals or something. The colourful V shaped graph line thing in the foreground was also seemingly coming out of the screen like the egg had been as well.

Later on I was just staring at the ceiling and I noticed that it felt like a reptile’s belly, like we were staring at the underside of some giant lizard. It was like it was breathing and moving, it’s very hard to put into words but think of how you can just tell when you look at an animal that it’s alive by how it throbs and pulsates. The ceiling was like that, like a living being. I say reptilian because the wallpaper pattern my friend has looked like the scales of a crocodile, in fact it even had a slightly greenish hue but that might have been coming from the television. Much later after I thought the visual aspect of the trip was completely over I looked back up at the ceiling and noticed a more traditional LSD/ trippy pattern all around the lampshade. Colourful geometric shapes and patterns spinning around it, although they were very faint and I had to really concentrate to see them.

So eventually the peak of the trip ended, and for the rest of the night (which was quite some time) I would describe my experience as a pretty generic “high”. A little similar to after smoking weed or having a few beers, but most similar of all to my experience with the morning glory seeds a few weeks ago. Which makes a certain sense I suppose, they are both psychedelics and therefore the most similar. I’ve also heard it said that at lower doses most drugs seem pretty similar, and it’s only really at the higher doses that the unique aspects of a drug really shine. Which leads me into what I want to talk about to finish this post.

I’m not sure if I should have taken this drug this way, remember that I’m not really someone who engages in recreational drug use and I really started looking into these drugs because of all the stories about how they can be mentally beneficial and even have a healing effect. I’m not really looking for a good time, and in fact when speaking to the friend who only took the half tab about this disappointed feeling late that night he said that the more introspective experience really requires that you take the drug alone. He also advised that I don’t do such a thing though, and I don’t plan to in the short term as I want to let any tolerance I’ve built up (and psychedelic tolerance builds up very quickly, it’s even possible my experience with the morning glory seeds lessened the strength of this trip) go back down, but I think I have to do it alone next time.

So now I have two tabs left, which is 200ug in total. When I do eventually have a day alone, and both the day off work and the day following off as well, do I take both tabs or just one? I’ll be honest, if the body load I experienced at the beginning will be twice as intense on 200ug I’m a bit scared to do it. I won’t have my friend around to reassure me that it’s normal and part of the come up experience this time as well. I just feel like if I don’t take a higher dose, and 200ug isn’t an insane amount by any means, I’ll never get anything even like what I’m looking for from these drugs. The experience described in this post, while certainly very interesting and different for me, was not particularly helpful in any long term way.

Feels

Last night I saw my friends (as usual, probably more like two or three nights ago by the time I finish writing this post), and I’ll talk about that more in the next thing I write which will be part of the “Altered states” series of posts I’ve been writing, but I just need to mention it here because I might talk about some of what happened in this post. See I’ve been feeling pretty miserable today and thinking a lot as well and I think it will be better to wait a few days so my mood doesn’t colour my account of the experience, but I do want to write something just to get my feelings out or something idk.

It’s not too different from how I normally feel, that is to say for the most part my concerns today are the same concerns I always have or at least similar, they’re just particularly upsetting right now for some reason. Not really because of the experience yesterday, that was actually pretty nice and I’m back to normal now in regards to my state of sobriety, I think it’s more to do with the fact that I’ve got two weeks with nothing to do whatsoever ahead. I can’t fucking believe I’m saying it, but I kind of wish I had to go in to work tomorrow. I can’t stand the thought that I’m going to be stuck in my room alone for the next two weeks, this isn’t hyperbole I could very possibly not leave my flat or see anyone other than my dad for two straight weeks. I might go and see a film one afternoon with a friend, that’s it and even that could end up not happening.

It’s literally like being put in solitary confinement, it’s not fair and it’s so fucking horrible and I can’t take it anymore I don’t want to live like this anymore. I just don’t understand why I’ve ended up this way, I’ve done nothing wrong and I’ve done everything right. The only thing I can think of is my shyness, but it’s not that bad. There are people who are more shy than me who have “ok” lives with friends and relationships and something to fucking do on their time off. There are people who are less interesting, less intelligent, less attractive, less considerate, less reliable, and all those things at the same time (significantly so in a lot of cases) who are still afforded some basic fucking humanity.

I mean that really is how it feels, like I’m not even considered deserving of any warmth or humanity whatsoever. People are always lovely and sweet on those rare occasions that I’m in the company of others but yet it’s so incredibly rare for someone to make any effort at all to try and be a part of my life in some way. I’m not saying I deserve it or that I’m entitled, just that everyone else receives this treatment even people who are objectively far more unlikeable and unpleasant and I don’t, and I don’t know why. I’ve spent a decade trying to figure out what I could be doing wrong and all that has happened is the few lifelines I’ve had have dwindled away.

Ok there have been a few instances where people have made an effort, I’ve talked before on this blog about the few occasions at work where customers have asked for my phone number or to meet up, but the point is that it’s never actually led anywhere. Right now I’m looking at two weeks alone, I can’t fucking take this anymore I can’t take it I can’t

I just don’t want to live like this anymore, but I don’t know what to do I have no fucking option I have nothing I can do about it. There’s absolutely nothing I can do, there’s no one I can call or anything. I have two friends, one is going away and at best I won’t see him until four months from now but more likely it’ll be another year until we meet again or perhaps never. The other isn’t interested, he said he might go to see a film with me that’s it. I can’t just use this one friend all the time for human contact anyway that wouldn’t be fair, and he’s not in my situation he’s busy doing things with friends he made from work or hanging out with his family so it’s not possible anyway.

It really is like solitary confinement, ok I can go out anytime but for what. I can walk around and see people and everyone just stares at me walking around on my own like a fucking loser. Seeing groups of people just makes me feel even more miserable as well, seeing people at all frankly. I see them and I know that they have something to do, some reason to be out there walking around. Often on phones talking to someone, I have no one to talk to. I don’t understand why, I don’t know why I’m being punished. And I really can’t help but feel like that’s what’s happening, some kind of punishment. It literally is a punishment given to prisoners. I don’t know what to do.

It’s so fucking infuriating hearing people talk about things like a friend, a gf, an ex, a wife, a guy I hang out with sometimes, whatever like these things just happen organically. They use these terms like they’re just totally normal, totally whatever. I’m really struggling to articulate my point, but here’s an analogy (yes you may have heard it before). It’s like if you talked about going to get a burger from a fast food place or a sandwich from the shop, if you’re a westerner that’s completely innocuous. You wouldn’t even give it any thought at all, “oh yeah I went to get a sandwich earlier”. If you said that in front of a starving third worlder they would be completely shocked however, they’re thinking it’s a very real possibility they’re not eating at all tonight.

See I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this way of speaking, if I try to detach myself and be “objective”. It’s an amazing thing that people can be so insanely nonchalant about food, when for roughly two hundred thousand years until recent history their ancestors had to struggle every day to get it. Yet in some parts of the world they still do struggle, and you can understand how if you kept this nonchalant attitude about food up around them it would seem offensive or at least difficult to comprehend. It’s not a perfect analogy, but I think it kind of works. All around me people are so completely blasé about friendship and dating, and it does get to me.

Frankly I sometimes start to feel like it’s a deliberate gaslight, people talk about these things like they happen entirely of their own accord. Men specifically in this case, because sure when women do it I can kind of understand as boyfriends and friendships will just materialise in their lives without any effort whatsoever, but when other guys talk this way you can’t help but think they’re playing some kind of mind game. Because when another guy is relaxed, or lets his guard down, he’ll tacitly admit to some difficulty usually. Only with vagueries like “It’s tough out there”, never daring to be explicit, but the point is made.

However, these people still manage to find their way in. They have friends, they have and have had girlfriends, they are a part of society. There’s that stupid meme “we live in a society”, but do we? You might, but I don’t feel like I do. I feel like I somehow fell through the cracks, and I would probably say some time in the summer of 2013 was when it happened, but maybe that’s for another post. As I said for so long I tried to figure out why my life is the way it is, why life and friendships/ relationships didn’t just happen, like they did for everyone else.

I thought my shyness was the reason for so many years, and I tried to change but it’s impossible. You can’t just brute force a personality change, you can’t just change how you intuitively respond to social situations. Then around 2015 the whole blackpill idea took off on places like r9k which I frequented and I was quite confused because I was pretty sure that my looks weren’t the reason for my situation, frankly my looks are the only thing I have going for me and probably the one reason I get the little help I do from other people (being asked out or flirted with by strange women, almost always treated nicely by people, etc), and I did start to doubt for a little while if I wasn’t just deluding myself but I realised that was silly of me after a while. So now I’m not sure what to think.

I have a general idea. I think that because I failed to form, or integrate myself into, a group of friends/ social circle at the usual (and crucial) time in life that most people do that I kind of fell through the cracks as I said earlier. The thing is, why did I fail in this? It’s nice to have this one sole thing I can point to, and I really do think that’s the sole cause for most of my struggle to find this feeling of community or comfort, but there’s still the question of why I failed in this. I can go further back in my search. Even if I were able to figure that out though, it wouldn’t actually change anything. It’s too late, it just feels like there’s nothing I can do.

I did have some chances I’ll admit, see one of the friends I met last night used to be just like me. We were so close for about two or three years because we were going through similar problems, and in fact he was the one who came to me and really started the friendship. Frankly, the residual appreciation for that one gesture (and the fact that I have no one else) is probably one of the main reasons I still make so much effort to stay in contact with him. Whenever we meet they always talk about how much of a great friend I am, how glad they are to have me but yet I’m always the one who has to call and arrange anything now. If I were to never call either of them again, maybe I’d never see them again.

Anyway, my point is that after we finished secondary school he managed to transform very suddenly. There’s this television show that was popular here in the UK, Skins, and while we were still losers he was kind of obsessed with it. He watched it multiple times over, and basically that was the life he dreamed of living. It’s about a group of 16/ 17/ 18 year olds who basically just do lots of drugs and party and hook up, there’s not much of a plot I don’t think but to be honest I never watched the show. So we were similar but I always felt a little disgusted by that life, I never wanted it. I wanted more close friends, but I was actually content with who I was whereas he quite clearly wanted to be another person entirely. I wanted a girlfriend, but I was never really interested in casual sex even immediately after puberty when my “drive” was at it’s strongest.

In fact I weirdly have always had this issue with sex and intimacy, where I kind of see the two as separate but yet not at the same time. For example, any time I develop feelings for a girl (call it a crush, oneitis, whatever you want) I don’t want to think of her in a sexual light, the thought makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong actually. Of course I want to be near them, I want their warmth. I want them to touch me, to hold me, but the idea of having sex with them is almost detached from that. The more intense my feelings are for them, the weirder it becomes for me to see them as a sexual being. Yet clearly romantic interest is related to the sexual drive in humans, I mean I wouldn’t have even developed feelings in the first place if I didn’t think a girl was attractive. I desire them, but because I also have this protective instinct I almost feel like I should protect them from myself and my desire, if that makes any sense.

It’s like some wires in my brain were twisted up, I have a slight focus on ideas of innocence and purity. I’ve always tried to project a kind of sweet and even perhaps naïve image while out and about in the world, and I’ll probably go into this some more in the next Books post actually or whenever I get around to talking about The Little Prince. On top of that I also look for it in others, which I guess is why I both create this weird dual image of a girl I’m into and why I was actually very content being a loser with my loser buddy back in secondary school. It felt oddly comforting to be the loser kids for me, I wasn’t out partying or getting in trouble I was still a child. I wasn’t growing up too fast, I had been warned that growing up was the worse thing that ever happened to a person and I really internalised that.

Going back a little maybe in part my desire for a companion who also still holds onto this youthful gentleness relates to what Michel Houellebecq said in his novel Whatever about being orphaned by the teenage loves you never had, and also what I was getting at in this post from quite a few months ago, in that I’m still looking for the more formative experiences with romance that I should have had half a decade or even a decade ago now. The problem is, I wasn’t able to achieve that then, and it’s only going to keep getting more and more difficult for as I said above why would any pretty girl stay “innocent” when she is both encouraged by the wider culture not to do so and given innumerable opportunities for that. I don’t just mean virginal when I talk about a girl being innocent or pure either, but all that that entails. There’s definitely a certain cynicism you can pick up on in women who have had many partners, and they might spin it more positively using a term like “worldliness” but it’s not a prerequisite. There are some girls who were just always kind of bitter, grown up before they ever grew up, and there are girls who’ve had a few partners who are still very sweet.

I got very off track though, I was talking about how I was given some opportunity. This friend as I said was desperate to grow up but while still at school with me found himself unable. I thought he was like me, and in conversations since we’ve talked about how our time together those couple years as very close friends were very wholesome, but I realise now and I should have then that he was aching to be out getting fucked up with the cool kids. So he did that, we went to different sixth form colleges (the school you go to around the ages of 16 to 18 here in the UK) and he managed to reinvent himself very quickly. He integrated himself into a group of friends and he got a girlfriend and started staying out until 2am drinking and I became a recluse. He did invite me to hang out with his friends a couple times though, he wanted to bring me in to the fold it seems but I just didn’t go.

There are quite a few reasons, I did go once to meet a few of his friends and that experience was very awkward and uncomfortable. My dad was always incredibly controlling and wouldn’t let me stay out late too. I remember I was at home playing vidya alone one evening and this friend called me saying he was nearby and I should come and hang out, but I was too scared to even ask my dad if I could go. I could already imagine what his response would be “You want to go out now? This is the time you should be getting ready to return home if you’ve been out!”. I hate him for that honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him for the psychological damage he did by enforcing this attitude.

This same friend again on another occasion tried to get me talking with this girl he knew who he said he thought I would “get along really well with”. He really made a lot of effort for me, and I didn’t take it and I regret it so much but I’m not sure if I would do anything different going back in time either. He’s the only one anyway, the only one who made this kind of effort for me. The only person who actually tried to integrate me into society, who saw me falling between the cracks and tried to reach out to pull me back up. It feels like almost everyone else is given infinite opportunities to try again, life really does just smoothly continue around them without any kind of input. Friends, relationships, careers, hobbies, they all simply fall into place of their own accord.

That’s why people tell you to just bee urself, because that’s all they ever had to do. They just had to be, to simply exist. Anyway as I was saying at the start I’m just so tired of this, it really is beginning to wear me down. I mean it will literally kill me eventually, chronic loneliness leads to all sorts of mental and physical health issues long term. I just don’t know what to do, I just don’t know. This is a bad post, I just had to write my feelings down because it’s been inescapable today. I guess I was wrong at the beginning as well, I did finish the entire post in one evening.

Things will probably slow down again

My dad is getting back later this afternoon, it’s been a really nice two weeks and as predicted I was far more productive in these two weeks than I have been since his last trip ended around the time I started this blog. He’s not even back yet and I’m already having a harder time writing than I have the last couple of weeks. It’s been like this the last two days as well, I sat down to try and write yesterday and Saturday but I just couldn’t do it despite having a few good ideas for posts I want to write. I don’t understand it, it’s like the mere idea of him being around completely squashes any motivation or drive. I don’t know why I’m like this, in the week and a half immediately after he left I was able to get three pretty good (relative to the average for this blog, in my opinion) and fairly long posts out. That’s more than some entire months for me, one of them was the longest I’ve ever written so far.

I have less free time because when he’s not here I have to cook, go shopping, wash up, etc. on top of still going in to work, yet I’m able to write about twice as much. When I sit down to write in the main room, which is brighter and more comfortable, I can just open up a new document and start writing without any difficulty. When I’m sitting in my bedroom like I am now, I moved my stuff back in here this morning, I’ll sometimes have a blank document up for hours and be unable to write at all. I can also go back to a post that is only half finished and get right back into it with no real difficulty when I have no one around, as I did with the most recent upload in fact, whereas over the last year I’ve had several posts half finished in the drafts section for months on end.

I thought perhaps I was looking back on his other trips away through rose tinted glasses when I talked about them in this post a few months ago, but no this recent trip has completely validated what I said there. I’ve been so much more productive over the last couple weeks, not just in regards to this blog either. The place is also cleaner than it has been in years as I said in one of the recent posts, I’ve been doing push ups and sit ups multiple days a week, I was finally able to do my first tests with psychedelics (which I spoke about in both of the above linked posts coincidentally), and I finally managed to get in contact with my friend who I haven’t seen since last year and it’s possible though admittedly unlikely that we might end up going away together like we agreed to after all.

See, I’ve been alluding to my fears about losing the two friends I have a lot over the last half year or so but for the aforementioned reason whenever I’ve tried to write a post entirely about these fears I’ve been unable to. Basically, one of these friends I have been quite distant with for years now and I have talked about that but in the last half year I’ve gone from speaking to the other friend multiple times a week to roughly once month. Meanwhile, the friend I was already speaking to only a couple times a year was now not even responding to me when I tried to get in contact and plan this trip we talked about last summer. The problem I have is I asked for a two week break from work ages ago during the period of time we said we would go away, so now I have two weeks break coming up where I’ll be completely stuck if this trip doesn’t end up happening.

If this had been a year ago, I’d at least have that friend I spoke and played vidya with regularly to talk to like during my NEET days, he probably has no idea about this whatsoever but he was the only thing that kept me sane during that time. I’m going to be sitting in my room, I could very possibly end up not leaving the flat once the entire two weeks if this trip doesn’t happen, and I won’t even have him to talk to. My uncle won’t ask me to do anything because he thinks I’m still going away on this trip, and I’m too ashamed to admit that I wasn’t able to organise it properly and had to cancel it. I doubt I’ll even use the time productively to get lots of reading done, or to write more posts, because as I’ve said before there’s this paradoxical thing where more free time ends up making me more lethargic. I get less done the more free time I have, and of course as I’ve said in this post my dad’s presence also demotivates me greatly.

Now I’m supposed to be meeting both of them on Wednesday evening to get something to eat and plan this trip, but I’m just really wary about one of them cancelling or our schedules not being able to match up. That’s what happened last year after all, we were meant to hire a car and go on a road trip to Ben Nevis (the tallest mountain in the British isles), but we weren’t able to arrange it in time because it took so long to organise things properly. Instead we went camping for a few days in Dorset, and visited the town of Weymouth which I went to many times as a child and wanted to see again. Explaining to my uncle that the plan had failed was very embarrassing, which is why I’m going to have to lie this time if it goes wrong. I lied to my co-workers last year and told them that I went on that initially planned trip, partly because of how much I had hated explaining to my uncle that things had fell through with the original plan.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, what if he asks if I took any photos during the trip? I told my co-workers as well that I was just going on a camping trip, like I actually did last year. They don’t care enough to bother asking to see photos thankfully. Hopefully it’ll continue to be rainy and cloudy like it has been the last week while my break lasts, gif kinda related, so it won’t be so suspicious to both my uncle and co-workers that I’m so pale when I’ve supposedly been walking around in the sun all day. I was thinking that I might have to just go and walk around in the park alone for several hours every day of my break just to deal with that, jesus how depressing would that be..

This is a pretty pointless post, I just wanted to vent and also to upload something because it’s been a good few days since my last one and I’ve noticed on the stats page that people have been checking in daily. As the title says, I imagine the speed I write and upload new posts at will slow down a bit now but at least you know. I’ll probably start writing the next “Books” entry in a day or two so that should be the next post unless I’m hit with a sudden sense of inspiration to write about something else but that’s rather unlikely. I’ve also bought some 1cP-LSD which is a legal (in germany anyway, I had to get it sent here) analogue substance to LSD and has very similar if not the exact same psychoactive effects. So once I can find the time to try that I will, and I’ll get to write about it in the next “Alternate states” entry. That’s all I’ve got in the works right now, thanks for reading.

Books: Part 7

I just finished reading a translation of Xenophon’s Hellenica by Rex Warner, it’s the third “historical” classical greek work I’ve finished in the last year and I think I’ve had enough for now. I enjoyed all three don’t get me wrong, Herodotus’ The Histories, Thucydides’ account of the Peloponnesian War (which was by far the most enjoyable and worthwhile in my opinion) and of course Xenophon’s Hellenica as I just said, and I’m glad I read them. Some parts were just a bit of a slog to get through, and I think I’d like to find something easier to read next before going back for more classical works. I have this Oxford World Classics collection of surviving fragments from various pre-socratic thinkers which is translated by and includes commentary from Robin Waterfield who translated the version I have of The Histories. He also translated the four surviving works about Socrates by Xenophon and I have a copy of that collection as well. I’m not sure which to read first, but both will have to wait a little while.

I’d like to talk about these three historical accounts a bit though, and of course as I’ve been doing with this series I’d like to talk about whether it’s worth owning an actual physical copy of these or not. Now in one way they are all very similar, rather than fitting the idea of what we might think a work of history looks like today all three of these books could be described as a deliberately crafted narrative. However instead of using fictional events and characters to tell a story like a novel would, or to try and explore certain themes and ideas, they use actual events and real individuals. Each one of them is telling a story, with life, and about it.

That isn’t to say that anything is made up, or that these works are dishonest. For the most part they’re very factual accounts, Thucydides making the most effort to be objective and detached, but these works are not simply a listing of dates or a dry description of life in this period. Which is contrary to what I said in the last post in this series where I did actually say I’ve been reading a lot of dry history lately. I regret that wording, sure in comparison to an easy genre novel they are a bit slow moving but for the most part these books are very engaging once you get into the right mindset. I had to stop reading The Histories because I was not adjusted at first, but then after about a year roughly I picked it back up and I found myself really getting into it. I wrapped it up really quite quickly and then finished all of Thucydides’ account in just over a week, I was reading for an hour or more every night.

Xenophon is a little bit tricky with some of the facts to be fair, the introduction to the copy I have goes into quite some detail about it and I’ll talk about that later, but at no point does he just make stuff up. There are just some rather glaring omissions, but if you understand what he’s specifically trying to accomplish with his work then maybe that’s not such a problem. Now Herodotus does make a lot of pretty wild claims, he’s often referred to as the father of history but another very common epithet that has been given to him is the father of lies. The last few hundred years has been nothing but wins for the H man though, archaeological finds and information gathered thanks to newer technology has validated his claims on everything from the designs of Egyptian trading boats to the unusual customs of various different peoples and even the existence of an entire civilisation in the eurasian steppe. He did also report stories he heard on his travels of winged snakes and griffins guarding pots of gold and stuff like that, but at least he always expressed scepticism regarding them.

See what Herodotus is most famous for are his asides or tangents, the general overarching structure of the work is to tell of the rise of the Achaemenid empire (the first Persian empire) and their unchecked growth until they came against the Greeks, but he talks about so much more than that. I know that a video game analogy is going to make me look a little silly, but it’s like an elder scrolls game. In a game like Morrowind, Oblivion or Skyrim there’s the “main quest”, but along the way you’ll be sidetracked over and over again by innumerable “side quests”. It’s a lot like that, at least the first half/ two thirds certainly are. As we go along with Cyrus, Cambyses, Darius and Xerxes and see their seemingly infinite appetite for consuming their neighbours, we get to hear the stories, myths and customs of these many different places and peoples they conquered.

Herodotus of course was writing this almost a century after Xerxes’ invasion of Greece, in fact he was a contemporary of Thucydides although Herodotus being a couple decades older did complete his work first. Now it’s hard to date these works precisely because they didn’t have a publishing system like we have today obviously, Herodotus in fact originally used his writings for giving presentations at festivals across the greek world, and Thucydides claims that he started writing his account very early in the war that he was talking about. Which seems suspect to me, I think it’s more likely he began writing after his exile, but I have no good reason to believe that other than that it makes sense to me and the actual academics and researchers seem to take him at his word. You should trust them, not me.

Anyway what I was going to say was that Herodotus therefore was visiting these areas and describing them and the people there a century after the time period he was trying to talk about. The thing is, ancient history moved a whole lot faster than people generally seem to think it did. You often hear expressions like “the romans wore X style of clothing” or “the Egyptians worshipped Y” but think about it for a second. Imagine if you read in a history book of the future that “the americans wore the mullet hairstyle”. Sure for a period in the 70s and 80s that was very common, that’s all though. New clothing styles, a new religion or at least new gods, new material culture, all of these things and more changed constantly.

Of course deliberate traditions and very important ancestral stories were maintained, but life changed quite noticeably just as it has over the most recent century. So while you get a lot, and I really mean a lot, of that “this group do Z” talk in the book it’s a bit hard to keep track as he’s moving back and forth in time. He’ll get to a new region as the narrative moves forward, and then talk about the customs they have in that area in his own day. Even though by this point they may have changed quite a lot.

In fact people were often completely shifted around and displaced so as to be more easily controlled and taxed. This isn’t just something the Persians did, it’s pretty standard procedure for empires throughout history. You’ve probably heard of the Babylonian captivity, well believe it or not that wasn’t anything particularly unusual it’s just that jews are the only people capable of holding a grudge against an empire that died two and half thousand years ago. Amusingly, Cyrus the Great actually returned the jews to their homeland after conquering the Babylonians. He’s still considered a messiah by religious jews today. Weirdly Herodotus doesn’t actually mention this at all, he briefly mentions a group of people in Palestine who practise circumcision but that’s about it.

This is actually one of several pieces of “evidence” used to suggest that Herodotus didn’t travel to a lot of the places he claimed to have. I think it’s likely that he did travel to the places he claims he did, perhaps not quite as distantly (for example, instead of going deep into southern Egypt he may have simply visited some cities on the northern coast) as he claimed but a little embellishment isn’t such a crime in my opinion. Especially if you appreciate the real purpose of this work, which as I said is the telling of a grand narrative. These asides, even though they’re what he’s most famous for, are not the reason he wrote The Histories. At least it doesn’t seem that way to me, but as I’ve already said and I’ll probably feel the need to say again later my opinions are entirely unqualified.

People say that The Histories was a pioneering work in various disciplines, geography, ethnography, theology, anthropology, etc. and sure he certainly dabbles in all the things those areas of study focus on, but it is just dabbling. He has some cute ideas about the nature of the seasons and how the continents are all balanced perfectly which he talks about at one point for example, but these are just more of his asides. However much of a debt these various disciplines might owe to him, he was not engaged in rigorous study of any of these things. It’s a lot like this blog in fact, I talk about all kinds of things but I’m mostly just having fun. I’m simply engaging my curiosity, take this very post for example. I’m not a historian. I never went to university, I didn’t even study history at school after the age of 12. If you actually want to learn something you’re in the wrong place. When it comes to any of Herodotus’ personal “hot takes” on how things work or even on simple geography it’s a good idea to dismiss them, maybe appreciate them for the direction they led us in but that’s all.

The ultimate purpose is to tell the story of this civilizational clash between Greece and Persia though, in a way it’s closer to the epic cycle of poems (of which only Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey survive unfortunately) than to any history book that would be published today. After all the Greeks of Herodotus’ time took the Homeric epics as “history”. Sure they didn’t take them at face value completely, in fact Herodotus himself has a very weird idea that the entire Trojan war was a misunderstanding as Paris and Helen actually got lost and ended up in Egypt. This just goes to show that the trojan war was seen as a very real event and not merely some kind of myth or allegory or whatever. These people really believed in Achilles and Agamemnon and Hector and so on, they might have had theories about the specifics but the premise was taken as fact.

Not only that, but some seemingly believed that the accounts of literal divine intervention in the Homeric poems were accurate as well and not just a literary device or something. There’s a lot of talk about how pre-Christian religion was all figurative and the gods were simply seen as representations of certain concepts not as literal anthropomorphic beings, but that’s clearly not true. Perhaps there was disagreement, maybe like how today you have biblical literalists and also Jordan Peterson types who think the bible is just fiction that has a “truth” if you simply read between the lines.

If that’s the case, then Herodotus is certainly in the first category. He clearly believes the gods to be very real, in fact there’s another aside where talks about how old he thinks some gods are. See in Egypt he finds that Dionysus is considered to be one of the oldest gods, whereas in Greece Dionysus was considered to be one of the youngest. After all he wasn’t in Homer’s poems and therefore must have been born after that right? Now in fact the Egyptian priest he was arguing with was closer to the truth, as Dionysus and the gods in other cultures that he’s evolved from might be one of if not the oldest gods ever worshipped. He was certainly worshipped in Mycenaean Greece, although depicted rather differently than during the classical period, which was before the Trojan war. Or whatever events inspired that story at least.

I know what you might be thinking by the way, the Egyptians worshipped a completely different pantheon of gods so why would they care or know about Dionysus or Zeus or any of the Greek gods. It’s actually a lot more complicated than that, Herodotus basically assumes that most of the Egyptian gods were just analogues for the Olympians and seeing as there were priests in Egypt willing to get into debates about the age of these gods I think we can assume they probably had a similar view in turn. Think of it like how the roman gods were basically just the same as the ones the greeks worshipped but with latin names. We were all taught about that in school.

This is another misconception that a lot of people seem to have about the ancient world, probably in this case because of Christianity. Because this kind of way of looking at religion and the gods was basically the norm across the world or at least Europe and Asia until the spread of the Abrahamic faiths. Of course the gods weren’t perfect parallels with one another, as within any culture a god would evolve and change over time just like how in Greece Dionysus was “demoted” for a quite a long period of time before returning to his position as one of the primary gods. He was certainly worshipped a whole lot less for quite a few hundred years, around the time of Homer, and then seems to have become quite a lot more popular again. So the living “canon” (if you can call it that) of the greek religion (again, if you can even call pre-Christian spirituality “religion” in the strict sense) interpreted this as him being one of the youngest.

This evolution of the “canon” is another example of what I was getting at earlier in that to say “The Greeks believed in this rigid pantheon” is misleading. Not only did the gods that were worshipped change over time but even within a given period there were differences in different regions. This is just within the greek world, but Aphrodite for example (later syncretised with the Roman goddess Juno) was quite a different figure in the eyes of the classical era Spartans than their Athenian contemporaries, characteristically being more of a martial figure. The further apart in both space and time any two cultures were therefore, the more they would have diverged. They can only differ so much though, after all gods were generally associated with some particular aspect of human experience, and there’s a pretty finite list of those. Which is why in the Egyptian figure of Isis Herodotus saw Demeter, or in Amun, Zeus and so on.

Now Thucydides on the other hand, seems to be the more on the side that sees the gods as perhaps figurative, not that he was an atheist (again, if you can really use such a term in a pre-Christian context) but he certainly doesn’t seem to believe in the gods as material beings that interfere in the affairs of men. His account, unlike The Histories, focuses entirely on the corporeal realm. He talks about rites and sacrifices and religious belief as one of the things which motivates people sure, and he gives his opinion that certain acts that took place were sacrilegious a couple times if I’m remembering correctly, but he never once talks about divine involvement or the gods himself.

In fact the real purpose of this work, as he says early on, is to try and find the real causes of this war. In doing this, he builds a case for his view of human nature. This view is probably most clearly expressed in the passage that is now referred to as the Melian Dialogue. This is a discussion which supposedly happened between some representatives from Athens and the small island city of Melos. Now it’s quite unlike anything else in the book, laid out almost like a script this exchange between the heralds goes back and forth for several pages.

The Athenians start with the ultimatum that the Melians should either submit and be brought under Athenian control or be destroyed. The Melians respond with various ways that they might somehow both survive and keep their freedom, including that the gods will intervene to help them actually. These suggestions are dismissed one by one by the Athenians who by the end are almost begging the Melians to see reason and drop this idealism which will see them destroyed. See throughout this back and forth the Athenians are remarkably frank about how they see things, which is essentially if you don’t have an empire you’re part of someone else’s. There’s no pretext for this attempted conquest, no flimsy justification, they’re there because no one can stop them. Everything is expressed in this one quote from the dialogue that you’ve probably heard before as it’s so famous.

The strong do what they will, and the weak suffer what they must

In the translation I read it was actually “the dominant exact what they can and the weak concede what they must” but even if that’s maybe more accurate it doesn’t sound as poetic or have the same gravitas as the more well known version. The difference is pretty insignificant anyway, the point that Thucydides was making is pretty clear in both translations. It’s something that comes up over and over again, and I would say is the primary theme, the idea that life is nothing but the pursuit of power. If you’re wondering, Melos was sacked, all the inhabitants were killed or enslaved, and the city was resettled with Athenian colonists. The thing about the Melian dialogue is it’s the only time where Thucydides presents this perspective as something shared by others.

See there are a lot of speeches in this book, speeches that go on for several pages, and some are quite fascinating but others are rather dull. Regardless, in none of them are any of the people he claims to be quoting as shameless as the Athenian heralds at Melos supposedly were. Actually he doesn’t claim to be quoting the speeches presented in the book word for word, what he says is that every speech he gives is based on a real speech and covers most of what was said in that real speech. Now for the speeches from before his exile from Athens this means he very possibly is recreating ones he heard first hand, but the later ones he will have only heard of through interviews with other people who did or through reading transcripts.

Transcripts of particularly important speeches definitely were made in this period, as there are still some of which there are surviving copies of to this day. Pericles’ funeral oration (probably the most famous speech in the book, depicted in the painting I chose for the header image) is in fact seen as one of the most reliable speeches in Thucydides’ account because other transcripts from speeches at the same festival in different years are able to confirm both the existence of the festival (the funeral for the dead soldiers) and the tradition of a speech being given at this festival. At least that’s what I read on Wikipedia.

What I was saying though was that the other speeches might hint at this attitude, but ultimately present the usual pretexts and smokescreens you can expect from an imperial power. Of course I’m just talking about the speeches given by the various demagogues that Athens goes through during the war, there are also speeches given by generals before major battles and of embassies and so on. See after Pericles dies, fairly early on during the war thanks to the plague that hits Athens, there are a lot of men trying to fill his role. These are the demagogues, I suppose the most famous is Cleon, and they love to give speeches. I will say that even though Cleon was a complete cunt, assuming Thucydides is being accurate in his representation of him (which is hard to say, Cleon seems to have played a role in his exile from Athens so the two were far from friends), when it came down to it he was willing to do what had to be done. Read the book if you want to know what I mean.

The Melian dialogue therefore, an exchange that Thucydides couldn’t possibly have been around to witness, is the only example of an official on behalf of the Athenian state openly admitting that they were simply engaged in the naked pursuit of power. Every speech, is “we need to help this small city, we’re doing this for the sake of freedom, to spread democracy” (sound familiar). Now it is true that throughout the war there is this revolutionary undercurrent throughout the Greek world. It only seems to come up when it directly ties in with the war, but essentially in every city big and small there were attempts to wrest control away from the oligarchies and establish democracies similar to Athens. In turn, there were “reactionary” movements attempting to stop these democratic parties from seizing control. The impression you get from the book is that it was like hundreds of very small civil wars breaking out all across Greece, and the war between Athens and Sparta was like a big metaphor for this struggle.

Athens of course represented democracy, and Sparta oligarchy. Oligarchy is not meant in the very specific way it’s used today, at least in the English speaking world, but to describe any kind of system with a small group openly holding power. Today the term is generally used to describe a corrupt system where an economic elite hold the “real” power, despite there being a government that appears democratic in place. Yet some of the “oligarchies” of classical Greece were quite unlike this. Sparta being the perfect example, they had a very unusual system of government and in fact if it wasn’t for Xenophon we’d know far less about it than we do. My point is that the war between Athens and Sparta seemed to be representative of a greater ideological struggle that was going on in Greece at the time. See, every time a democratic faction took over a city ruled by an aristocratic elite they switched allegiances to Athens, and in turn whenever an oligarchic regime was established they tended to switch over to supporting Sparta in the war.

So the spreading of democracy was not entirely a façade, but it was definitely an excuse and the Delian League was absolutely just an Athenian empire in all but name. The small island states wouldn’t have been rebelling at the first chance they got if they didn’t feel like they were under Athenian dominion. I think that’s what really turned the war, more so than the failure of the Sicilian expedition. The war continued on for quite some time after that, and while Athens lost her total naval supremacy thanks to it she was still the primary maritime power, winning more battles than she was losing. It’s also what started the war, Sparta feeling they needed to pre-emptively put a stop to the growth of Athenian power before even they lost their freedom (although most of the inhabitants of the spartan area of control were enslaved).

This at least is the state of things that is presented by Thucydides, and he does have his biases. I think more importantly though, you get the feeling that he went into this project with an already established idea which he was looking to prove, rather than trying to analyse what happened in order to find out why it did. It seems like he had this Machiavellian conception of how states really worked (Machiavelli wasn’t born until nearly two thousand years later of course, but I would not be surprised if he read Thucydides) in mind and then went around trying to prove it. The Melian Dialogue stands out because it’s where he overplays his hand and all but addresses the reader directly with his own personal theories.

Again though I will stress that for the most part the account seems very careful to present what happened as accurately as possible, and from what I’ve read even to this day it is considered a very reliable one. You’re probably noticing that I’ve used the word “account” a lot to refer to what Thucydides wrote, and that’s because from what I understand he never actually gave his work an official title, but also because that really does best describe what it was. It has a very rigid structure, and it does it’s best to get the order of everything perfectly accurate so you can see exactly what events influenced what other events. Xenophon puts far less effort into this, which makes it a lot harder to keep track of who’s who and where they are and all those sorts of things, especially for someone who doesn’t know the region or the people involved.

The version I read was actually titled, it was simply called “The Peloponnesian War” by Thucydides, and I think that he’s earned that. I’ve noticed with the Oxford World Classics line they tend to do this and also they give different titles to things that already have one. For example, the Anabasis of Xenophon which is another work covering his time with the mercenary army known as the Ten Thousand is renamed The Expedition of Cyrus. Anyway when you read this, you are not reading a grand moral tale like Herodotus wrote, or the memoir of an old soldier like Xenophon left us, you’re reading an account (or report, if you prefer) on the war between Athens and Sparta that took place between 431 and 404 BC. Well most of it anyway. The Peloponnesian War is a perfect title, because that is exactly what you will find between those two covers.

I say most of it because Thucydides never got to finish what he was writing, he cuts off abruptly just a few years before the end of the war. Xenophon in the Hellenica then picks up almost exactly where he left off, which implies that Thucydides’ works were spread around quickly and were considered valuable right away. Xenophon wasn’t even the only person to write a follow up that continues from the point that Thucydides’ account cuts off. The introduction to the Hellenica I read actually suggests that another Hellenica (the term just means something like “concerning the greeks”, and was given to many different works) which only exists in fragments is more accurate and closer in style to Thucydides than Xenophon’s.

See while Xenophon claims to be writing a continuation of Thucydides’ account, and he even ends by saying that he expects someone will pick up where he leaves off possibly suggesting this as the start of a running history by multiple authors. The Hellenica of Xenophon is a lot less accurate and well structured. He doesn’t really keep to the rigid chronological ordering of events that Thucydides maintained and instead jumps back and forth in time quite a lot. Most glaringly of all though, and this is something I was only able to see thanks to the supplementary material in the copy I had, he omits a shocking amount.

Unlike Thucydides it doesn’t seem that Xenophon made any effort whatsoever to go out and interview or find out the details about various events, rather he just reports how they appeared to him at the time. See he was born to an aristocratic family in Athens either during or just before the Peloponnesian War started, and so he was living in the city when the war ended and during the civil war between Thrasybulus and the democrats and the thirty tyrants established by Sparta and it shows. The first portion of the book which covers the end of the war Thucydides didn’t cover and the immediate aftermath is very focused on what is going on with Athens. We get a lot of mentions of people that Xenophon would have known and admired, including Socrates actually which I thought was really cool.

Then, Xenophon goes off to fight with the Ten Thousand in Persia with the rebellious prince Cyrus and is exiled from Athens as Cyrus had funded the Spartans during the war and working for him was seen as a betrayal. So of course the history of what is happening in Greece during this time that he gives is very sparse. After that he somehow ends up fighting with the Spartan king Agesilaus with whom he went on to develop a very close relationship (even being given land and an estate in spartan territory) and from then on the book is basically completely written from the Spartan perspective. A perfect example of this is that we know from other contemporary writings and archaeological findings that in the decades following the war the Athenians eventually went on to found a second Delian league and were slowly rebuilding their empire, but Xenophon doesn’t even mention this once.

He also deliberately refuses to name individuals he considered dishonourable, and doesn’t mention dishonourable things that those he did admire did in an attempt to clean their memory up. There are footnotes at the bottom of almost every page correcting the record so to speak, it really does kind of ruin the experience of reading it actually. The man who wrote the introduction (a different man to the one who actually did this translation, but the translator himself isn’t much friendlier) seems to have no respect for Xenophon at all and at one point there’s a very passive aggressive remark comparing him to Diodorus (a later historian of the Hellenistic period) who was apparently a “real” historian unlike Xenophon. It really does take away from the experience when the very translator seems to have a disdain for the man he’s translating.

You see, this wasn’t made clear in the copy I bought (Penguin Classics version) but I read elsewhere that Xenophon only ever really intended to share his Hellenica with friends and people he knew personally. It was much more like a memoir, his history. Now on the one hand I have some doubt about this, I mean the one time he mentions himself he uses a pseudonym, even Thucydides was willing to mention himself by name when he had to, but it is true that the narrative basically follows his life. It starts during the end of the Peloponnesian War as he was becoming an adult, and it ends in the 360s BC not long after Spartan hegemony over mainland Greece is broken by the Thebans and with him as an old man.

I also like how in a way you can piece together a sort of narrative arc that covers all three works, from the wars with Persia and the start of the era that is referred to by historians as the classical period until only a couple of decades before Philip of Macedon and his son Alexander the Great were to usher in the Hellenistic era. It really is the tale as well, of Athens and Sparta in particular, the two cities who together led the opposition to the Persian invasion. In the aftermath of that war they both rose to prominence as the two major powers in Greece, Sparta on land and Athens at sea, eventually leading to the huge clash that was the Peloponnesian War. When the war ended and the Thebans insisted on the destruction of Athens, the Spartans refused.

Athens then went on to rebuild itself, in large part thanks to the work of the great military general Iphicrates, soon fighting against the Spartans again as an ally in the Corinthian War. Yet later, after the treacherous Thebans smashed the Spartan force at Leuctra and were ravaging the countryside of Laconia (The region where Sparta was located) the Athenians were the ones who came to help them. The Thebans really do seem to have been almost inherently treacherous by the way, all three of the works I’ve talked about make them seem this way. From fighting on the side of the Persians during Xerxes’ invasion, to refusing to hand back the enemy dead under truce as was custom multiple times, sneaking into Platea early during the Peloponnesian War and so on.

Xenophon finishes off his account with the battle of Mantinea, a battle which weakened all the Greek states and probably left them open to the conquest by Macedon that followed soon after. In it, Xenophon’s own son fought and died, and the Spartans and Athenians fought side by side once more. So there you have it, three different ways of telling history. An epic multi-generational overarching view, a detached eyewitness account, and a personal memoir from someone who lived in the thick of it all that together tell the story of classical Greece.

All three are incredibly important for their role in the development of history as a study, even Xenophon’s Hellenica. After all, for all the snark from the translator there’s a reason that it has survived to this day when so many writings from the classical world have been lost. I’m really glad I read all of these, I know that this post is a bit all over the place and I’m sure that an actual scholar of the subject who read it would be cringing at how much I’ve probably misunderstood or got wrong, but I wanted to talk about them. I’ve really enjoyed my time with the Greeks over the last year or so, ancient Athens and Sparta have been nice to escape to.

The real question though, is whether it is worth actually buying a physical copy of these in this day and age when you can probably find a PDF for free online. Well, I can certainly say that I’ve had to return to all three already to find certain passages while writing this post up, and it’s very possible that events in these books might be referenced in the books I plan to read soon which might give me another reason to return to them. I also plan to read through all the endnotes for The Peloponnesian War. See I mentioned before that the copy of the Hellenica I have had footnotes at the bottom of every page, but for the other two books the notes were all at the back. Now I already read through the notes for The Histories a while ago, as a sort of recap because I had read the first half of the book and then dropped it for a year, and I think it will be useful to do the same for The Peloponnesian War. So I think it is worth holding on to these.

Now I started this series to talk about books I already owned when starting part 1, I don’t want it to be a running series like the “Alternate states” one I’ve just started probably will be, so even though I did actually buy one or maybe even two of these since that first post from now on if I buy a new book and talk about it here it won’t be part of this series. Not that you probably care, I’m just saying that for me. Anyway, if you enjoyed this post or found what I talked about interesting then I highly recommend you find a translation of the three books I talked about if you haven’t already.

Link to Part 6

Link to Part 8

Alternate states: Test 2

Before

I wasn’t planning on doing a “before” this second time, but I’ve just got home (I decided I would go out for a walk in the end) and I feel really shitty right now so I’ll take the excuse to vent about it.

I guess it wasn’t a night walk, but more of an afternoon walk. It’s half past eight now and I got home about half an hour ago. I left as soon as I uploaded the last post, which was I think around five-ish. The walk itself was pretty uneventful, I walked down and along a similar route that the bus ride I took in the last walk I made a post about went down. I stopped to sit for a while at one point, and later on I walked right past the restaurant I went to with my co-workers a few months ago.

Of course I’ve walked past it hundreds of times in my life, I used to live a few minutes walk away from it just behind the town hall actually before moving to where I live now. It’s noteworthy because when I noticed it I briefly thought about them, my co-workers that is. What are they doing right now? Well one is working I think, but most are probably out enjoying the evening doing typical normie things with good company. They’re happy, I bet. I’m not envious I wouldn’t say, I’m glad for them. I can’t help but feel like it is unfair, that’s all. It would take so little for me to be happy, not even a gf just having a couple of friends who actually wanted to spend time with me like I had when I was at school would be nice. I’ve always been a bit of a loner, but the last year it’s gotten worse than it ever has been. I have basically no one in my life.

I’ve done everything that I’m supposed to, I’m considerate and I’m a good listener and when I am able to relax and act normal people generally seem to enjoy my company. I can make people laugh, and I can hold their attention. People do tend to like me that’s what I don’t understand, but yet I’m a complete outcast. Always kept at a slight distance.

Eventually I ended up at a book store, again one I’ve been to hundreds of times before but the last time was half a decade or more probably. Notice how I say that a lot on this blog, I guess I haven’t really done anything in the last half decade.. I went up to the second floor and the history section, and started looking through the stuff they had on the second world war and the third reich. I was just trying to pass the time, I also had a look to see what translations they had of The Iliad and Odyssey as I’ve been considering re-reading them but in verse this time and there was a book about recent genetic studies from the Anglo-Saxon migration period that I almost bought a copy of.

At some point this small jewish woman started talking to me, at least she claimed to be but she also stopped herself from saying she was “part black” just before that so I’m a little suspicious. I think it was actually just a normal old (not that old, my guess would be she was in her late 50s) woman looking for someone to talk to, some human contact. She saw what I was looking at, and so decided to give a normie/ boomer take about how it’s important that we learn about that regime so it never happens again. The usual thing you’ve all heard before.

Now I wouldn’t call myself a fascist I don’t think but the idea of a socially right wing authoritarian regime seems preferable to the current state of affairs in this country if I’m being honest, I contained my power level however. I went along and agreed with her sentiment, “of course, terrible period indeed yes”. I tried to contribute to the conversation a little because I felt bad for her, she seemed lonely, but it was hard to follow along. She went away for a while and then later came back, she had this hot take about the second world war and “empire” as a concept or something and then she left.

I left the shop myself a little after that, I then sat down in this very small park right outside the shop and observed the other people around me. There were a few couples, and I noticed that while some of the women seemed like they might have been young-ish (around my age, or slightly above) not a single one of the men looked younger than 30. They all had beards as well, those well groomed two or three week old looking beards.

I realised as well while sitting there that I don’t even really see other men as “competition”, like most men seem to view one another. I don’t mean that in an arrogant way, like I’m implying I’m not concerned about them being better looking or more confident or rich or whatever the fuck women want, because clearly I’m actually losing in that regard seeing as I’m still a khv and they’re not. What I mean is that I never catch myself comparing myself with other men, I never look at a couple and think “he’s more/ less [whatever important trait] than me”, which does seem uncharacteristic compared to other robots/ incels who obsess about things like “being mogged” or “being inferior”, etc. You also get a lot of complaints by robots who see men they consider as worse than them getting laid while they can’t.

Just for the record and I know this is going to make me seem like a bit of a shitty person but I don’t really care anymore, after this realisation in the park I started making a deliberate effort as I walked home to compare myself with other men who looked like they were in a couple. And I would generally say that I was better looking (and taller, something 4chan likes to remind me of the importance of every day) than most of them, and there were quite a few couples as it’s a Saturday evening in a busy area with loads of bars, pubs and restaurants. I saw plenty of women who I would consider to be “out of my league” (although again, all women are out of my league) walking alongside, holding hands with, or kissing men who as I said were not as attractive as I am.

I know that some people might start to think of the “they must be rich then” cope, but that’s not the case. These were similarly aged (late 20s/ early 30s) hipster couples in a middle class area, these were just normal relationships. They were archetypal normalfags, peak normie if you will.

I feel gross saying that stuff about how I am in comparison to other guys btw, just as gross as it probably felt to read it, but it’s true. I’m not saying I’m remarkably good looking or anything like that, but I realise now that I am reasonably handsome and I don’t need to try and do this whole fake modesty thing because I feel uncomfortable ever saying something positive about myself. I’ve had enough experiences to justify that statement and view of myself, I’ve talked about this in other posts already. I’ve been told that I am by quite a few people, including several who were not related nor had any reason to try to merely flatter me.

I think I bought into the blackpill meme too hard and started to doubt my own fucking eyes, but I know what I look like. I see myself every time I brush my teeth. Frankly holding onto the black pill when it’s false means I’m not moving in the right direction, and it is false. There’s some truth to the lookism subject, and sure for other incels the way they look plays a role in their situation more but not in my case. There’s doesn’t seem to be one “pill” meme that fits everyone in this situation, unfortunately.

I got completely distracted though, I had an insight which I thought was interesting. See I don’t compare myself with other men generally sure, but I realised that I often compare myself with or feel like I’m competing with women. Not just women in relationships in fact, any woman I see, just one of the customers I might see while working for example. There’s this idea in the blackpill/ incel community of the “looksmatch”, the idea being that in the fair world or the incel utopia or whatever that men and women will be matched with someone of equal attractiveness to themselves. This of course builds on the foundational beliefs of incel ideology, which are that

a) women and men only care about looks when it comes to a partner

b) women in modern society are able to date/ sleep with men who are far more comparably attractive than themselves with relative ease

I actually would say I agree with the second one for the most part, but the first seems untrue to me. Looks are important sure, maybe even the most important thing when it comes to finding a partner, but not solely important. The problem is that men and women aren’t comparably attractive when you take the two groups as a whole. There was this OkCupid study which showed that women rate like 80% of men as below average, whereas male cumulative ratings actually distributed women fairly evenly across the standard 1 to 10 scale usually used for rating attractiveness. I can’t be bothered to find the link, but it should be easy to find the study it’s been talked about so much. I’ve linked to it in other posts as well. So basically in the eyes of men, 10% of women are a 1/10, 10% are a 2/10, and so on.

Therefore there must be other factors as well as physical attractiveness that spread men more evenly along the 1 to 10 scale. A woman will be a 6, thanks to looks, but the male “6” that she “should” match up with is a “6” thanks to a variety of factors including but not limited to looks. As I said though, these days a female “6” can get a male “8” with no trouble at all, at least for casual sex. Of course there is no should, I might have an authoritarian streak but I can’t bring myself to suggest anything like this should be enforced. I suppose in the worldview of a lot of incels this didn’t need to be enforced in the past it just happened naturally until one day something changed.

We’ve all seen this ancient meme from /r9k/ before haven’t we? Or at least I think it’s from /r9k/ it certainly has been posted there over and over probably since it was still called robot9000.

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Well it illustrates the idea perfectly, the left hand side is what incels generally speaking seem to think is the fair and natural order of things. Now, I just don’t think it is. I don’t think reality works out so neatly, as nice as it would be to have things end up that way. I would say that the right image is a little exaggerated also, as I’ve talked about before there is a weird cope I’ve noticed where some incels try to make it seem like their situation is more common than it actually is.

What I think though, is that this image and the culture that produced it have seeped into my unconscious and so that’s why I compare myself to women rather than men. Every woman I meet I think, “is she above or below me” on this stupid made up totem pole. What’s so crazy is that a good amount of the women who’ve shown interest in me or approached me I would have considered to be above me. While several of my oneitises or crushes (all of whom never seemed to feel similarly about me), whatever term you prefer, in retrospect I probably considered lower than me on there. My self perception fluctuates quite a bit though, as I’m sure any long term reader realises.

Either way though, to compare myself with women is incredibly feminine. Literally, it’s what women do. I imagine I’m not the only one doing it either, I bet a lot of people from r9k have picked up a similar habit. It’s funny I never really experience the usual macho posturing stuff when talking with other guys as well. Sure me and my two friends (if they’re still my friends, it’s been a year since we met up last and I’m starting to feel like they’re drifting away from me for good this time) joke about and insult each other in good humour, standard male friendship stuff you know. I’m talking more with men I’m not close with, my co-workers, male customers, etc. When I see two other men interact there’s this tension, almost sizing one another up. I don’t do that, like I said I don’t have this view of them as “competition”.

I’m not comfortable around most people, but generally speaking I’m a little more comfortable around men than women. Whereas most men seem more at ease in the company of females, I’m the opposite. I’m not sure what other men think when I’m around them, but I feel like because I am this way it puts them at ease. Which again you could say makes me into more of a feminine figure. I don’t know I’m just kind of speculating pretty wildly now, this was meant to be a quick little thing to vent but I got completely sidetracked.

Continuing with the walk, for the last step instead of following the street I walked back through another park near where I live. I was listening to Lonerism by Tame Impala at the time with my headphones and I eventually had to cross this big field which was filled with people. See during summer loads of groups come out to just sit there and stuff, when I was a little boy I was taken along there many times, and people set up barbecues and serve drinks or have picnics. So I was walking through the dirt path right through the centre of the field surrounded by all these people, and the specific song that was playing was Keep On Lying. See the song ends with this section several minutes long that’s intended to sound like a dinner party that you’re not involved in. It’s meant to sound like you’re at this dinner party, but no one is acknowledging you exist and you’re kept out of every conversation. So you’re surrounded by people, but yet completely invisible. I just thought there was a certain irony in the way that synched up.

I then went to a small supermarket on the street just below where I live, bought some lemon juice because it supposedly helps with the nausea from the seeds I’ll be taking tomorrow, and considered going to buy alcohol but decided against it.

I’m feeling a lot better now, it’s been a few hours since I got home, but I was not feeling good at all when I started writing this. Going out there, seeing all the normal people with their normal lives that just fell into place without a second thought for any of them, it does get you down. I just feel so insignificant, I’m nothing. I have no value, I have no desires or passions to pursue, I do honestly sometimes wish I just hadn’t ever been born. I don’t enjoy being alive. I don’t have much else to say either, but for the sake of science (really just because I wanted to vent), this is the general state of mind I’m in at the moment before going into this trip. That is, assuming I didn’t also get screwed on these other seeds as well.

After

Ok, these were definitely not duds at least, but I would hesitate to describe my experience yesterday evening as psychedelic. I’ve been going over in my head how I should explain what happened, since last night even. I tried to write down how I was feeling as it was happening but I just couldn’t concentrate. See it’s a bit of a blur now, and I think that I might miss some stuff but I’m going to go through the day’s events chronologically and hopefully cover as much as I can.

So because I wanted to avoid the nausea which supposedly comes with eating so many seeds, I originally tried 130, I decided to attempt a cold water extraction of the LSA in the seeds. So I boiled some water in the morning for some instant ramen and I poured about 100ml extra into a small container and left it to cool. When it got to room temperature I then put it into the fridge to get colder, and I wrapped the container in tin foil. A little after midday, maybe closer to one o’clock, I took the seeds and using my mother’s old coffee grinder I made a powder out of them. I then dropped about three lids worth of the lemon juice I bought the night before into the water and scooped the powder out of the grinder and dropped it in there also. I then left it in the fridge, completely covered with tin foil and went back to stir it every 15 to 20 minutes for about an hour or so.

At around half past two, I poured the drink into a glass using a folded up piece of kitchen towel to filter out the seed matter/ gunk. I then drank it all, and waited for a while. The seed matter I threw away, only eating the little bits that got stuck on my fingers. I began to feel ever so slightly nauseous after about 20 minutes or so, but that was about it. Other than that I felt pretty much normal, in fact at four o’clock I was still feeling normal and I was disappointed that the seeds had again not worked. I began to do some more reading about this cold extraction technique and realised that I may have made a few mistakes. The water was not boiled in an open container, I might have not left the seeds in the solution long enough, etc. So I took out another hundred seeds, and just chewed them up and swallowed them straight, with a can of fizzy pineapple juice to wash them down.

Now, I still experienced almost no nausea at all the entire evening. In fact the slight stomach discomfort I did already have seemed to go away after eating the second batch of seeds. What happened was I gradually began to feel very sleepy, sedated almost by the time it really got going but the onset was very gradual. It was so slight at first I thought I was experiencing some kind of placebo effect, like how when you’re a little bit drunk but can seem more so in the right circumstances. I’ve noticed this a lot, if you have a desire to be drunk and you drink a little you can almost will yourself to be more affected by it than you might otherwise be. This is something a lot of people drinking in groups will do, they are almost high on the energy of the moment. Alternatively when you’re very drunk, I find that if you really sit down and concentrate you can bring yourself a couple of degrees closer to sobriety for a brief moment. This might be what people describe as “letting go”, giving into the drug rather than trying to keep as much self control as possible.

The thing is, with this experience yesterday I didn’t feel very much like I wasn’t in control of my thoughts. I wasn’t mentally sober exactly, I was definitely in what I at the time felt was an alternate state of consciousness to day to day life (I actually changed the original title of the last post later that night because I liked that wording), but I was still lucid for the most part. More than anything my body was what was affected by the seeds, I actually felt quite detached from it. I couldn’t completely control my arms or legs, walking around was like being in a moving vehicle. I remember swaying from side to side and almost losing my balance trying to walk to the bathroom to piss. It took me a long while to will myself to go and take a piss in the first place as well, I sat there on the floor knowing I needed to go for a good 20 minutes before I managed to push myself to stand up and go do it.

When I finished I looked into the mirror, again because I was wondering if I was just being weird or if this was the drug and after seeing how much my pupils had dilated I can pretty conclusively say that I was definitely not just imagining it. I’ve never seen my pupils that large ever, they were presumably pretty big when I took 2C-B but that was in a field at night in the countryside so there were no mirrors for me to check at the time. I then came back into the main room and with any doubt I had now put to rest I was able to relax and just enjoy it. Again though this wasn’t a psychedelic trip at all, it was far closer to the experience you have with alcohol.

There were no changes to my visual perception whatsoever at any point during the evening, there were neither open nor closed eye visuals of any kind. I also didn’t experience what I did when taking 2C-B where I was connecting all these different things in my mind. I was certainly thinking about things, my mind was very active and I kept trying to start writing my thoughts down but I was so drowsy and sedated almost that any kind of expense of energy was very draining. I do wish I had gotten a few more notes down though, I think that just the ideas alone I had could have been the inspiration for a few different posts. I do have another 270 seeds left, so I will consider taking those again some other time and trying to make sure I do write down my thoughts.

The only effect I can recall that does seem to sound like what I’ve been told psychedelics are like is that the music I was listening to sounded so much better. I never really planned the evening out much see, so I didn’t have music set up in advance. Once I realised I was probably going to be too lazy to do anything other than listen to music, after taking five minutes just to walk back from the bathroom to the main room, I brought spotify up on my laptop and just scrolled through the albums I have saved looking for something. The thing is, nothing there seemed quite what I was looking for, until I saw Era Extraña by Neon Indian. Now I’ve only listened to it once, someone on /mu/ recommended it and I had left it saved but I didn’t really enjoy it very much. This time though, it was like one of the most beautiful things I had ever heard.

I was filled with all this emotion, every little sound was so much more noticeable. Often a lot of the different things going on in a piece of music can blur together somewhat. The reason I like The Cure so much might be because there’s generally a lot more “space” between the sounds so I can more easily get everything from their music. It was like that with this record, every thing about it stood out. It was very emotional as well for some reason, unlike the sounds I was finding it even harder than usual to pay attention to the lyrics but I could feel the tone very strongly. It felt a lot louder as well, all the music I ended up listening to as the evening went on, I spend quite a long time at one point just leaning over the balcony staring into the trees with the music in the background.

That’s another thing, and probably the most pleasant aspect of the entire experience. I was so unbelievably content, for the first time in god knows how long I was able to simply just enjoy things as they are without this creeping self doubt making me second guess everything. I could stare at the trees for an hour, or play some vidya as I did for a while at one point, and I didn’t have this voice in my head that’s usually always there telling me that while I do this all alone other people are out there with people they love and care about having fun. For years and years I’ve been unable to enjoy simple entertainment like videogames and so on, because this voice is there telling me I don’t really enjoy it and it’s simply a substitute for what I would rather be doing which is spending time with other people. For the first time since probably around the time I played through Mass Effect 3 (2013?) I was able to just enjoy playing vidya (I didn’t play anything for long though, as my motor functions were off and I was having trouble concentrating as I said) and watching stupid videos on youtube.

I was able to simply take things as they were, rather than getting sad because they reminded me of how they could be. Now unfortunately this isn’t something that has carried over into today, I am back to normal and when I was reading for a little while earlier that niggling voice in my head telling me that all entertainment (maybe entertainment isn’t the perfect word here, as I read for other reasons than simply entertaining myself, but it’s the best I can think of right now) is a cope was back again. It’s not a literal disembodied voice I’m talking about btw, I’m being figurative. I’m not schizophrenic thankfully. I’m just using it to describe this feeling that seems to always arise whenever I engage in any recreational activity, even writing something for this blog. The only time I don’t have it, is when I’m with my friends and enjoying spending time with them, which of course further validates that doubt.

The only thing that did carry over to today was the slight physical unease, when I woke up I was very dizzy and I stumbled around walking to the kitchen. I made myself a black coffee, which is something I almost never drink, and after that and a cold shower I was mostly back to normal. I’ve also looked in the mirror and my pupils have definitely gone back to normal. I think I’m going to order a pizza tonight, I wanted to late last night but I was not sure I’d be able to go downstairs and collect it and even if I did I was worried the delivery guy, or worse my neighbours, would see my eyes and realise something was up. All I had to eat in the end was a bowl of tinned asparagus soup, and some hard bread, which was still pretty nice but not very filling.

Alternate states: Test 1

Before

Tomorrow, Saturday the 3rd, I’m going to take four Hawaiian baby woodrose seeds (Argyreia nervosa) and I plan to write a “trip report” to document the experience. That is assuming anything of note actually happens of course, there’s reports I’ve read online that these seeds don’t actually have much or any effect on you. Now for every story like that I’ve probably read ten which describe vivid hallucinatory experiences and these seeds absolutely do contain a genuine naturally occurring psychedelic (LSA), but it’s possible there are duds or fakes going around. Now because I bought these online and not at the local garden centre I am a little concerned I got some of these, but hopefully they’ll turn out to be the real deal.

See that’s the amazing thing, these seeds are still legal even here in England, not just to possess for personal use but to openly buy and sell. No different than a bottle of whisky or a jar of ground coffee. You can go to a garden centre or a garden supplies store and they’ll probably sell them. I don’t know why but for some reason they aren’t covered by the almost blanket ban on psychoactive substances that was passed in 2016. Now if I were to try and perform an extraction and separate the LSA from the rest of the seed matter, that LSA would be illegal to own. I’m not sure I’m comfortable messing around with lighter fluid though, so I’ll just take the seeds straight (or probably ground up, and mixed with a milkshake) and push through the stomach pains and nausea that come when you use this method.

Now LSA is an interesting drug, it’s a component that is used in the production of LSD (which I’m sure everyone has heard of before) and in fact Albert Hoffman, the first man to synthesise LSD, was supposedly inspired by an experience with LSA extracted from the fungus called Ergot which also contains it. Now how true is this story? I don’t know, it could be completely made up but someone said it in a youtube video and it’d be cool if it were true. What is true is that he definitely took LSD, he was the first man to do so, and he considered that to be a profound and insightful experience. He was supposedly surprised when a couple of decades later in the 60s it had become widely used as a recreational substance as after taking it he foresaw it becoming a sort of therapy-aid. In the long run I guess he was vindicated at least, as that seems to be the direction that psychedelics seem to be taking generally speaking.

Now the effects are supposedly fairly similar to LSD, although it’s hard to figure out exactly as individual LSD trips even at similar doses can vary quite wildly, but generally the visual/ hallucinogenic element seems to be much less prominent in an LSA trip compared to an LSD trip. This is especially true at lower doses, higher doses of either will lead to some pretty crazy visuals of course but a low to medium dose of LSA will be more thoughtful and introspective than visually impressive. Which is perfectly fine with me, as cool as the funny shapes and colours may be they’re not what I’m really doing this for.

I’m taking a low dose this first time, I have 50 of these seeds in total so the option is there for higher doses in future, as I’m alone and have very little psychedelic experience. I’ll try writing my thoughts down and describing what happens as it’s taking place, but if I’m unable to concentrate or what I write ends up being completely incomprehensible I probably won’t include it. The ideal post though will have a before, during and after section. A lot of “trip reports” I read only seem to be a document of what happened written after the fact, but from what I’ve learned from reading and watching things on the subject your mindset going in to a psychedelic experience is very important. So I want to have that included in the post, and so I’ll do that now.

I’m not feeling very good this evening if I’m being honest, I had a pretty shitty day. Not an especially bad day, nothing bad actually happened to me, but nothing good happened either. Nothing really happened at all, my dad is away at the moment so I’m doing everything at home and so I did all the cleaning and washing before heading to work this morning. None of the interactions with my co-workers went very well either, which again is normal but still gets to me a little every time. Nothing particularly bad happened, I just felt like in every interaction the other person was uncomfortable. The thing is I just don’t understand it, I’ve now had several interactions with all of these people that didn’t go like that. I’ve been chatty and friendly and didn’t get any of those kind of vibes from each one of them on multiple occasions each so I don’t understand why I still do on other days.

It always feels particularly shitty when every single interaction in a given day goes this way though, like it did today. I suppose the first interaction with the deputy manager right at the start of the day was fine, I’ve never mentioned this particular co-worker before but she started a few months after I did and is always really friendly. She’s probably the nicest person there actually, and she definitely has a strong “sweet/ naïve young girl” aura about her but who knows how accurate that actually is. Later though we had to speak back and forth for a while over text about some stuff to do with the shop and while at first she was her usual warm/ amicable self her last message seemed uncharacteristically curt. At the time and until writing about it I felt like it might be because I was being “too friendly” and she was creeped out or trying to subtly tell me not to get any ideas (which I’m not for the record, not that she isn’t pretty and a pleasant person to be around but I think I’m immunised against oneitis at this point and she has a boyfriend).

Thinking about it now though it was probably not intentional at all, I don’t think I even cross this person’s mind at all when we’re not together at work (the same goes for all of my co-workers I’m sure) and that she’d even think that would be necessary. The response was too quick as well for any kind of deliberate subtext like that to have been considered now I think about it. I’m just incredibly insecure, so I obsess over these stupid things. That is something I’m hoping psychedelics can help with actually. Although frankly just writing these last couple paragraphs has made me feel a lot better, that and listening to Deathconsciousness with the volume really high as it got dark earlier this evening. The insecurity spike I’ve been experiencing since early this afternoon seems to have finally steadied.

I know it may seem like such a small concern, but most interactions I’ve had (and I really mean most, the overwhelming majority) in the last decade have been awkward or uncomfortable like today’s ones and it really does wear you down after a while. See after long enough every time it happens again you’re reminded of all the other times and how long it’s been this way. It feels more and more like it’ll never be any other way. I’m not sure what to expect tomorrow, I don’t think that psychedelics are going to be this mental panacea that a lot of people make them out to be if I’m being honest. I’m pretty sceptical about the whole thing, but I’ve got to try because I don’t really have any other options left. I’m going to make some chamomile tea, and read for a little while before going to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be beneficial in some way.

After

Well I hate to say it but my concerns were well founded it seems, as I have experienced no effects whatsoever. Now I considered simply deleting this post, but I have instead decided to keep it anyway. There are going to be some set backs along the way, and it’ll be good to have a record of them. It’s also been a good week almost since my last upload and while I have been writing up another post over the last week it’s a long one (3000 words already and I’m not close to finishing) and will take a while to finish. I’ve noticed as well that there have actually been quite a few visitors over the last few days so clearly you want some kind of update and so I can finish this up tonight and give you that.

Now luckily I have a back up plan already in place, there is another kind of seed which contains the same substance as the HWBR seeds, Morning Glory seeds, and I did also buy a packet of those some months back. They seem actually to be more reliable, I can’t find any stories of these ones having no effect like I can with HWBR. The only reason I chose the HWBR was because you only have to take a few whereas the LSA content in Morning Glory seeds is far lower. I will have to take about 100 to 150, I’m erring towards taking the larger amount after today’s experience but I’ll decide tomorrow afternoon when I take them. This means that, assuming they aren’t also duds or something, the nausea will probably be pretty bad.

I’m not really sure what to do with myself now, it’s not like I usually have plans but I deliberately kept the day as free as possible today for obvious reasons and it’s been pretty boring. I tried reading, I tried writing some more on that other post I’m working on, but I just couldn’t stay focused as I was still nervous because of the anticipation at first and after that pissed off that I was sold dud seeds. I got a lot of cleaning done at least, the flat hasn’t looked this nice in years, but now I’ve got a whole evening with nothing to do at all. I’m considering going for a /nightwalk/, the last one I went on was a pretty miserable experience but that was almost a year ago and I used to do it all the time. Seeing all the happy normalfags out enjoying their Saturday night might make me feel even worse than I do now though, so maybe it’s best to stay home.