Something happened to me recently that is really bothering me, I think because it has forced me to see that I haven’t been being honest with myself for quite some time. It’s funny as well because I was talking about a very similar thing happening very recently here, where life will sort of throw me a “free retry” I guess you could call it, every once in a while. And even though it always falls apart, and doesn’t lead to any change in my circumstances, it further encourages my naturally passive and lazy tendencies. Anyway what happened was, while I was working, a girl approached me and asked for my number on behalf of her friend. So in the post linked above I talked about the last time this happened, just over a year ago (among other things, that wasn’t the main subject of the post), and I said it was probably a one in a million event that wouldn’t happen again. Yet it did, although as I’ll explain it went even worse this time around and has led nowhere.

So I was cleaning down the display area in front of the shop I work at and I turned around for a brief second and saw a girl walking up to me, she had darkish blonde hair and green eyes, and a big smile. She waved to get my attention, and then she spoke, “Hi there, I was just wondering how old you were?”. Naturally I was kind of taken aback, I’m used to people coming up to me to ask questions about the public transport routes and timetable because there’s a station nearby and a bus stop, but this immediately felt different. I probably had a somewhat confused expression on my face when I responded, “I’m 21” I said with some hesitation.

Now at this point because of her body language and demeanour, which was similar to that of the Spanish girl I talked about in the other post and other girls in my teens who looking back I was definitely right to think were into me, part of me realised what was happening. Yet I was also concerned that maybe I was misjudging the situation because this girl was really pretty, it’s wasn’t just hard to believe that a girl who was that attractive would ask me out, but that she’d need to ask anyone out at all. Of course she wasn’t, she was trying to get my number for her friend, but her friend was also very good looking. Not quite as stunning as the blonde girl, but if I had to rank them on some kind of objective scale (which I don’t like to do) I’d put them very close to one another. If the blonde girl was a “7”, it feels so gross to number people like this, then the friend was a somewhere between that and a “6”. She looked a little bit like that e-girl that used to get posted a lot on r9k, with the really big eyes and the bob haircut. Certainly all that I said about the blonde girl not needing to go out of her way to try to find a bf or hook up or whatever also applies to this friend anyway. Here’s a frequently posted (and kind of cruel, I feel a bit bad even posting it but I don’t know how else to illustrate my point) chart from 4chan to give an idea of what I mean by those numbers.

So I turned back around to put the cleaning things down on the counter, and as I did so she kept talking. “Oh, that’s great! The thing is me and my friend saw you from over there (pointing to where they had been sitting probably) and we were wondering if she could get your Instagram, or a phone number?”. I turned around and saw that her friend had also arrived, she had a straight bob of black hair, dark brown eyes and tan/ olive skin. “I d-don’t have any social media” I said “but yeah.. I can give you my phone number”. The girl who was supposedly attracted to me muttered to her friend “Are you for real?” she was visibly nervous/ embarrassed. The friend didn’t seem to pay her any attention, “Yes, a number would be great!”. I turned to look at the dark haired girl, and smiled. She gave a nervous smile, and then looked down at the ground before looking back up at me again.

I reached over the counter to grab my phone, “I’m going to have to check what my number is, I don’t actually know it off by heart” I said to them. Now the thing is, whenever I get into a social situation that I haven’t had time to prepare for I can freak out a little and so my hands were shaking slightly. Because of this I was messing up the stupid lock screen thing and then I had to wait 30 seconds after failing it five times, and as we were awkwardly just standing there waiting their bus arrived. “That’s our bus” said the shy girl. Without even really thinking about it, I just reflexively put my phone away saying “oh, well if that’s your bus..”. The blonde girl looked up at me, “..oh, ok then” she said with a clearly disappointed tone and expression on her face. Before I even knew it they were leaving to catch the bus and I just turned back around to clean the shop, as the realisation that I’d just accidentally rejected this girl sunk in. “Take care” I heard one of them shout to me, I didn’t turn around to say goodbye back.

There was clearly enough time because the bus didn’t leave for another minute though. I could have easily gone through with it, it’s so frustrating. I remember going back around and inside after finishing cleaning and the bus was only just taking off. In fact the entire thing took a few minutes at most. I was still processing it after they had left, like I said I need time to prepare for most kinds of social situations. Luckily I was closing up, so I didn’t have to deal with any more customers and I remember sitting there inside locked away from everyone and having this feeling of disappointment hit me. I can picture the moment more vividly than I can the actual interaction itself with these two girls. I sat there, with my head in my hands, and all that came to mind was this feeling that I had completely fucked up.

The thing is, I shouldn’t have felt that way. Or at least, if what I’ve been telling myself for the last few years was true I wouldn’t. See I wrote another post about half a year ago where I told the story of this girl I had met online back in 2014 and one of the points of that post was to talk about a realisation I thought I had come to after having spent a lot of time talking with her. Of course another point of the entry was just to tell that story, just like how in part the reason for this one is so I can tell the story I just did. I don’t want this blog to just be me writing about things that happened to me, and when I do I want to mostly write about how those things influenced me or changed how I see the world, but I also do kind of just want to tell the stories. I want someone else to know, even if it’s completely anonymous. It feels good to know that someone else has read or heard about the things that have happened to me, it makes them feel more real. It’s also good to have a record for my own sake, because being so isolated the chronology of things can get a little blurry.

So as I was saying, in that post the realisation I was talking about was that I thought I didn’t want a gf. I think what I said was after talking with her (I was 18 when we stopped talking the first time) I no longer fantasised about or believed I wanted a gf. Now of course I’ve talked about having oneitis on this blog multiple times so that might not have made sense, but I mean in the abstract. There might be a particular girl I know who I find attractive and/ or enjoyable to be around who I’d like to be my gf, but when there isn’t I’m not wishing for a gf. The best way to put it in meme r9k speak would be to say, in response to someone posting >tfw no gf, that I don’t know that feel. I think I also said that it felt wrong in some way, like to even want “a gf” is like searching for a person to fit a pre-made box whereas oneitis (what normalfags might call a crush, although that feels more juvenile) is more like you already have a person in mind and build a box around them. Of course, instead of wasting your time with boxes you should be spending time trying to get to know people, but it is what it is.

Were this true though, I would feel better after what happened not worse surely? See, just like in every other area of my life I’m incredibly self doubting about how attractive I am. So surely being approached by a total stranger, the most overt expression of interest there is, should make me feel good. It’s still not enough though, because even though this has happened twice since I came out of the NEETcave and got my first job, I’m still entirely alone. I’m going to be 22 in a few months, and not only have I never had a girlfriend or lost my virginity, I’ve never had even a moment of true intimacy with someone. There was an east african girl who would sit next to me in classes when we were 12 who would always put her arms around me and grope around my crotch as a “joke”. She kissed me on the cheek when no one was around and once followed me half way home, asking me to “be her boyfriend”. I would laugh and say no, thinking she was just messing with me, but eventually she grew distant. That’s the closest I think I ever was, but there are quite a few similar stories.

There was this pale redheaded girl who would skateboard around the street near where I live with her friend when I was 14 years old. I remember the first time I saw them she just stood there staring at me, and then I started to see them there every Friday evening coming home from school and whenever I went out to see my friends on the weekend. At first they just kept staring at me, waiting for me to say something perhaps. Later, one weekend when me and a friend were hanging out on the same street they both came and sat on the stairs above us and having a really loud conversation. Then, one Friday evening I was leaving to go and stay the night with a friend and they started waving at me, so I waved back. The next morning I was coming home, and they were there again. The ginger girl came right up to me, and asked me how the sleepover went. I was completely taken off guard, and just said “What!” and then ran inside. I never saw either of them again.

A year or so after that, I was at a big birthday party for a family friend and there were lots of people who I hadn’t seen in years. One of these people was an Iranian girl I went to primary school with, who I hardly remembered. She definitely seemed to remember me though, and even though I was giving one word answers and clearly visibly uncomfortable she spent a good portion of the evening just sitting with me in a corner trying to get me to talk. I remember her telling me stories about the time when we were kids that I couldn’t recall, like she’d been thinking about me all this time. Maybe I’m just totally misinterpreting the situation, and she just felt like she was catching up with an old friend, but as I was saying earlier these two instances of being asked out since starting this job have helped me understand past events better. Because I can see a similarity in the body language and general demeanour that both of them had. She would also laugh at unfunny things I said, and kept asking me to dance, but eventually she too got bored of trying.

Now there are a fair few more stories like this, although between the ages of 16 – 20 when I was a total hikki and at some points staying indoors for weeks at a time it became far less frequent. There was a period of time where I was going on omegle most nights of the week when I was around the age of 18/ 19, to be honest in part because I enjoyed getting complimented on how I looked which did happen a lot, but also kind of just to have people to talk to. A lot of the girls on there were pretty shitty people though, and I tried speaking to some of them on skype because they’d sometimes ask to add me there, but they were even more difficult to talk to than people irl are and I’d always end up removing them or being ghosted/ removed myself.

I can only think of one example from that time which I really regret, which was this conversation I had with this short haired Australian girl. I actually think at first I was talking to her with the camera off, but we spoke for a good two hours in total. We talked about her job working as a clown at a funfair/ amusement park and what I was(n’t) doing with my life at the time, I was able to talk to her quite easily and usually I was awkward even with people on omegle but not in this case. When I had to go to, she said she wanted to speak to me again.

Now I actually got the timeline wrong in that post linked above talking about the girl from Italy, I was actually talking to people on omegle before I even first met her. Because I remember I created a skype account to talk to her, and I remember this Australian girl asking for my skype and I didn’t have one at the time. When I said that I didn’t have one she started explaining to me how to create an account in some detail, gave me her username, and then told me to add her when I got the chance. For some reason, I’m really not sure why, I never did. I just have this fear that things will always go terribly wrong, so I never make any effort.

I think I’ve figuratively jacked myself off enough though, no one is interested in hearing me go through every single story like this. What I’m getting at is that I think I can safely say that I’m attractive to women, at the very least a certain subset of them, when I objectively look at all of these events together, but on a different day I’ll feel entirely different. And on top of these more memorable events like those talked about above there have been innumerable minor interactions or occurrences, like compliments I get from certain people, flirty female customers, people staring at me then looking away when I notice them and then staring at me again multiple times. It just doesn’t make sense because according to /r9k/ this kind of thing only happens to women or “Chads”, and I’m neither of those.

I’m not sure if I’ve bought into an entirely distorted view of the world, that being the whole blackpill/ lookism thing, or not. See until I started visiting /r9k/ I didn’t think about looks at all, I was completely naïve, I mean I wasn’t even aware that height was something women cared about. Though I’m 6’0 so I don’t even have that to blame for my situation either. Yet the worldview there nowadays is generally that the way you look is the most defining thing in life. Not just in dating/ relationships, although that area is where it’s most important, but in all areas of life. How people treat you, what opportunities are afforded to you, etc. And it’s not just basement dwelling incels who are saying this as is unfairly implied, it’s been studied and documented. There were mainstream news segments even in the 90s talking about it.

The halo effect is something that is pretty hard to deny, and there have been plenty of studies from official institutions/ universities as well. Which I won’t link, because I’m not going to link something I haven’t read and I’ll be honest I’ve only ever read responses to a lot of the studies on this subject not the actual papers themselves. That is either news sites publishing articles on the subject, or just random dorks on youtube. I’m not an academic and I never claimed to be. Of course most dating sites/ apps have revealed statistics that confirm what a lot of “blackpillers” seem to be saying. I’d check that link out quickly if you are interested, because the original article was removed shortly after it was posted and the archives of it get shut down frequently, for some strange reason.

You can go down that rabbit hole yourself though, if you want, that’s not what this blog is about. I’m influenced by that stuff, among other things, but I’ve always had some doubt. Which is because of my uncertainty about my own looks. Because on the one hand if you fully buy into this blackpill meme you’d say that what I’ve experienced is something only the top 20% of chads do, yet I couldn’t be further from a “chad”. I’m skinny, I’m concerningly pale from staying inside for days at a time, there are bags under my eyes. I’ve been told I have sharp features I suppose. In fact during my omegle days someone on there said I looked like a character that the artist Kaneoya Sachiko likes to draw (the artist behind the image in the header), her stuff gets posted on /r9k/ and other boards from time to time, and I’m not entirely sure whether that was a compliment or an insult. Looking back, I actually look much more like that now than I did at the time with my long hair. Anyway, maybe that look or aesthetic is appealing to a certain set of women, I’m not sure.

After all, I have very little real life experience, and I spent a lot of my later development surrounded by this kind of worldview online. I don’t know how normal my experiences are, the ones I was talking about above I mean, for years I’ve been spending hours of time a day with people who tell me that how you look is the only thing that matters. That women think the vast majority of men are not good enough, that if you’re attractive you literally can’t fail at life, that women have unlimited options and will only settle for 6’4 muscular billionaires who have cult leader tier charisma. Ok I was being hyperbolic on that last point, but supposedly the “top 20%”, that’s the figure that is very often given. To be fair, that OkCupid study does support it, and I’m pretty sure there was a very similar result found out by the stats people at Tinder.

There was a thread someone made talking about this subject recently actually, looks and attractiveness that is, and as it was something I had been thinking about a lot I replied. You can figure out my post pretty easily as it mirrors what I said in this blog entry, but it’s post number 52921078 if you just have to be certain, and someone replied to me with the same kind of thing I’m used to hearing when other anons talk about experiences similar to mine. That I am living in an entirely different world than ugly or average looking people, again assuming that I don’t fit into that category myself. I really just don’t know, as it doesn’t feel like I am experiencing a life too different from theirs.

If that were true why am I still a khv at almost 22 years old. I know this blog entry in particular without the context of my usual posts makes me seem really narcissistic and self absorbed, but I’m really not like that. I feel uncomfortable sharing this stuff, I feel uncomfortable even calling myself attractive (in my own head) on the days I feel like I am. The days where I’ll look in the mirror and think “looking good”. Of course, just as often I’ll look in the mirror and think I was an idiot for letting myself be deluded into thinking that. In that thread I just linked the guy right below me talked about how there are plenty of narcissists who think they’re more attractive than they are, and I’m a bit scared of being “that guy”.

I start to feel that maybe the whole blackpill mindset is not just toxic, but actually distorts your view on the world. This isn’t new of course, I’ve gone back and forth on this while having this blog. In some posts I’ve said I don’t buy it and in others I’ve said I do, this is just the first time I’ve really talked about it in any detail. Because you can’t reconcile the idea that I have been getting the attention I’ve got throughout my life because I’m secretly incredibly handsome (according to r9k) and also that being incredibly handsome means you’ll never have trouble finding a gf, as I’ve had a lot of difficulty with that. Ok, so you can say I’ve never tried, like people say about Elliot or sometimes just about incels in general. Sure I’ve never asked a girl out, or tried online dating, but if I still fuck up when I’m the one being asked out I’d only be even more nervous and spergy were it the other way around. I’m not interesting in seeking out humiliation.

So then I think that perhaps my experiences are actually a lot more normal than I was led to believe, which is hard to admit because it’s not like I don’t want to be secretly incredibly handsome, I just don’t think it’s actually true. Not only that, but it’s not like I’ve got anything else going for me. It’s a very easy cope to fall into because when you’ve got to my age and you haven’t ever been able to form a relationship with a woman, you have this voice in your head constantly telling you how useless and worthless you are. You’re nothing. It’s true as well, you’ve been metaphorically told you don’t deserve to exist by women, as a collective. Because of course there’s contraception so sex nowadays doesn’t necessarily mean birth, but it still represents it. You’ve been told that your genes, which are you in the most fundamental sense, shouldn’t continue.

Then I go back again because the exact opposite has happened, I’ve been so close so many times, and on top of that without making any effort myself. Not necessarily close to sex, some of these stories are from before I even hit puberty, but to intimacy or young love which are representative of it you could say. Most of these stories are from after puberty though, and the two most recent ones couldn’t have been any clearer. If a girl was asking to go out with me, it means that she was willing to sleep with me, in fact it means she wanted to. It means that I am desired, so why do I still not feel like that? Why do I feel like the most undesirable person on the planet? Why am I still alone? I’ve just thought about this now, but those two girls the other night were probably talking about me for some time before coming over. Maybe that’s not even the first time they’ve seen me, or at the very least the dark haired girl might have been past before. I wonder what they said, maybe if I knew it would help me.

I’ve tried to figure out what kind of girl it is who I seem to attract, by thinking about what it is that is shared by all the ones who’ve expressed interest in me in the past, but they’re all so completely different. Some were very shy while others were really extraverted and outgoing, some were complete turbonormie/ stacy tier and others were weird e-girls. Every single one of them was from a different ethnic background, from a pale redhead to an Ethiopian, how diverse! So, I don’t really know what I can do. I’m at a loss, to be quite honest with you fam. All I can say is that it’s kind of freeing to just be honest with myself, I am upset about being lonely and unwanted. I do wish I had a girlfriend, I don’t know why I feel like a bad person for admitting that. Maybe I’ve internalised this idea that because I don’t have one, I therefore don’t deserve one, and so I feel bad for wanting something I also unconsciously feel I don’t deserve. I’m not sure.

I don’t really know where else to go with this post, I’m tired and I think there was more I wanted to say, but I’m sure I’ll find a way to talk about it in another post if it really matters that much.