First, noontime malaise
It was a school break, and I was stuck at home. This was late spring, so mid way between Easter and the summer holidays which are only six weeks long here. I think at this point I hadn’t yet really become good friends with the two who I’ve mentioned before so that probably puts this around 2009 or 2010. This was before I was allowed to have a television in my room (that happened after my dad moved back to look after me) and I didn’t have a video game console at the time even for the main room so to entertain myself I had this really slow desktop computer which was about a decade old at the time and books/ toys, although at this point I had mostly stopped playing with toys. I suppose I would have been about 12 or 13 years old.
You know how it is, when the sun is out in full and the rays shining through the window reveal all the dust in the air? Well I can remember quite vividly just lying down on the floor in my mother’s room staring at it for ages, and the world seeming quite empty. I could see the tips of the trees outside the window, and buildings beyond that, but it was so quiet I couldn’t really comprehend the idea that anyone was actually out there. The only sound was my mother, in another room, making faint noise doing the cleaning or something. I wanted to do something, the boredom had slowly become more and more suffocating as the day wore on, but every time I began to actually consider some activity that I usually enjoyed I’d end up realising how little I wanted to do it. Say I thought about going to watch television, well it’s all daytime trash or reruns from decade old shows I’ve seen several times before. Or what about reading a book, I often would read for hours a day (in fact it was around this period of time where I gradually began to read less and less) but now I couldn’t imagine anything more useless.
It’s hard to articulate what had changed, because it was a feeling and not a new way of seeing things that I had rationalised myself into. It’s also something that is pretty normal for me nowadays, the significance of this afternoon is that it’s the first time I ever remember feeling this way. You could take anything I usually enjoyed, and I just wanted nothing to do with it. I was just lying there on the floor, those beams of sunlight still burned into my mind today. This memory is of one of the worse days of my life, and while I’ve had similar afternoons hundreds of times now I’ll always remember this one. Sure I’d maybe in a unconscious sense been kind of nihilistic my whole life, that’s the culture and environment I was raised in after all and neither of my parents were religious. It was on this day though, that I truly realised how there was no meaning or point to anything in a conscious way.
At one point my mother came in and asked me what I was doing, “why are you just lying there, you look so sad?”. Of course I had no way of expressing this sudden and overwhelming existential dread that had flooded my entire world, I’m still doing a terrible job putting it into words now, all I could say was that I was indeed very sad. She asked if I wanted to go out and do something together, to go to the park or see a film. I just replied that I didn’t want to do anything ever again. I didn’t even want to be alive in that moment, an eternal emptiness spread out in all directions like the stolid waves of sand of the Sahara. It was the first time I ever remember looking forward to bedtime and being able to get away from the world.
For so long the image of those dusty shafts of light pushing past the gaps in the curtains was stuck there in my mind, and gradually the sun more generally began to take on a negative aspect in my mind. I realise now that maybe that had some impact on my becoming a night owl for a time, as I began to stay up later into the night and wake up later. Of course while I was at school this was difficult, but over the holidays and after my mother passed and I started skipping school regularly it got worse and worse. A sunny day reminded me of that particular afternoon, and the many other afternoons like it that followed. It’s light there to illuminate, to reveal what I didn’t want to see, but the warmth and energy blocked by the windows and curtains.
Second, interlude before the gloaming
Now this was about a year ago or so, I think early February but maybe it was very late January. It was one of my first shifts at the bigger shop, as I’ve explained before there are two shops I switch between and one is big (relatively) while the other is small. It wasn’t the first time there, I did my training there and as I started over the Christmas break I had a few shifts there while there weren’t many people out and about and the place was less busy than usual. This was the first time it was “back to normal” though, and as it was so early in the year the sun was already beginning to set as I started my shift. I was doing the evening, which is my favourite one to do.
So I head to the shop to switch over with my co-worker, the orangey haze outlining the skyline all around me. I arrive and then remember that I had accidentally broken one of the keys for the main office we drop the money off at after every shift. So after that I had to go there briefly, before it got busy at the shop and get it replaced, and then go back again of course. It might seem silly but running these little errands, for a real job, for the first time in my life felt quite nice. I mean, in a way I had a feeling like I was finally becoming an adult. The tangerine glow, the maturation of the afternoon sky, felt rather appropriate at the time and still today when I think back on it. The shift wore on, and the last light faded away, but that memory stuck with me.
Third, the long awaited dawn
So spring just broke recently and it has been a long time coming. I already mentioned in a previous post that I fell into a brief fit of paranoia regarding my job, and while it wasn’t entirely unwarranted, after finding out it mostly was I realised how silly I looked. I don’t really want to go into it, now I realise how silly I look. I already half regret my very early posts for making me look like such a pathetic faggot even though in other regards I’m happy with them and having this blog generally is a positive thing for me. The point is that I was in a bad mental state, and this was all right at the end of a very dark winter. It really did begin to get to me after a while.
I was getting no sun at all, even for the few hours of daylight we had there was always a heavy cloud layer blocking it from really coming through. It took a while to really get to me, really the last couple of weeks of the winter, but eventually it clearly did. So I began to obsess over this imaginary conspiracy against me, and I hadn’t spoken to either of my friends in a few weeks either so I also started to get the usual thoughts about them enjoying life and having fun without me. I know it’s weak, and feminine, to be so easily brought down by such thoughts but I do have these moments of weakness.
I also started to get headaches most evenings, this was just the last week or so of the dark times but it was awful. I just had no energy, I stopped doing any exercise and I think I’m still reeling from it now because my motivation hasn’t quite come back. I mean this very post is mediocre and I’m only finishing it because the premise I started with was a good idea I think and I’ve committed quite a lot to it now. Nevertheless it’s already a few days overdue my usual weekly upload date. I’m just going to get to the final part of this and take a day before starting something entirely new.
So I had a few days off of work, four in a row actually. I didn’t go anywhere, I didn’t really write much or read or even listen to any new music. I didn’t do any exercise, and I was eating very little. Every night these headaches would kick in, and I ended up going to sleep rather early just to get away from the world. Eventually it was time to go back in to work though, and the first thing required for that was to wake up at a reasonable hour. I got up, and then had to shave. I don’t get much facial hair, just a bit of uneven/ patchy stubble after a few days and then it stops, and I think beards are pretty shit tier anyway. That alone felt like I was being cleansed, I mean sometimes when I haven’t shaved for a while I can literally “feel” my skin if that makes sense. Like it’s this thick layer on top, but after a good shave my face feels fresh and even more sensitive. I can feel the wind more, etc.
So then I left, and as I’ve mentioned before I walk through a park to get to work. It’s this small and very thin sliver of green, that somehow very few people seem to know about. I’ve noticed actually more recently more people appearing there, so maybe that’s changing, but for years and years I’ve been walking there and seen little or no people at any time. It’s really out of place, I can’t quite think of the right word for it but like anachronistic except instead of regarding time regarding geography. It’s like a brief portal into the countryside, with a small meadow and even that rustic kind of uneven fencing with the little plank midway up for stepping over in one section. Anyway, as I was walking up the path I felt it, the heat of the midday sun, something I hadn’t felt in months. It was the perfect timing, coming right after that week, it reminds me of that adage “it’s always darkest before the dawn”.
The feeling didn’t last that long, not even for the rest of that day, but the moment was special. I’ve been thinking about the sun a lot since then, that’s what inspired this post. I know it’s kind of shit but hopefully you can see what I was trying to go for, and appreciate the idea. Maybe the sun will continue to be something I talk and think about, in some way.



