Solar echoes

First, noontime malaise

It was a school break, and I was stuck at home. This was late spring, so mid way between Easter and the summer holidays which are only six weeks long here. I think at this point I hadn’t yet really become good friends with the two who I’ve mentioned before so that probably puts this around 2009 or 2010. This was before I was allowed to have a television in my room (that happened after my dad moved back to look after me) and I didn’t have a video game console at the time even for the main room so to entertain myself I had this really slow desktop computer which was about a decade old at the time and books/ toys, although at this point I had mostly stopped playing with toys. I suppose I would have been about 12 or 13 years old.

You know how it is, when the sun is out in full and the rays shining through the window reveal all the dust in the air? Well I can remember quite vividly just lying down on the floor in my mother’s room staring at it for ages, and the world seeming quite empty. I could see the tips of the trees outside the window, and buildings beyond that, but it was so quiet I couldn’t really comprehend the idea that anyone was actually out there. The only sound was my mother, in another room, making faint noise doing the cleaning or something. I wanted to do something, the boredom had slowly become more and more suffocating as the day wore on, but every time I began to actually consider some activity that I usually enjoyed I’d end up realising how little I wanted to do it. Say I thought about going to watch television, well it’s all daytime trash or reruns from decade old shows I’ve seen several times before. Or what about reading a book, I often would read for hours a day (in fact it was around this period of time where I gradually began to read less and less) but now I couldn’t imagine anything more useless.

It’s hard to articulate what had changed, because it was a feeling and not a new way of seeing things that I had rationalised myself into. It’s also something that is pretty normal for me nowadays, the significance of this afternoon is that it’s the first time I ever remember feeling this way. You could take anything I usually enjoyed, and I just wanted nothing to do with it. I was just lying there on the floor, those beams of sunlight still burned into my mind today. This memory is of one of the worse days of my life, and while I’ve had similar afternoons hundreds of times now I’ll always remember this one. Sure I’d maybe in a unconscious sense been kind of nihilistic my whole life, that’s the culture and environment I was raised in after all and neither of my parents were religious. It was on this day though, that I truly realised how there was no meaning or point to anything in a conscious way.

At one point my mother came in and asked me what I was doing, “why are you just lying there, you look so sad?”. Of course I had no way of expressing this sudden and overwhelming existential dread that had flooded my entire world, I’m still doing a terrible job putting it into words now, all I could say was that I was indeed very sad. She asked if I wanted to go out and do something together, to go to the park or see a film. I just replied that I didn’t want to do anything ever again. I didn’t even want to be alive in that moment, an eternal emptiness spread out in all directions like the stolid waves of sand of the Sahara. It was the first time I ever remember looking forward to bedtime and being able to get away from the world.

For so long the image of those dusty shafts of light pushing past the gaps in the curtains was stuck there in my mind, and gradually the sun more generally began to take on a negative aspect in my mind. I realise now that maybe that had some impact on my becoming a night owl for a time, as I began to stay up later into the night and wake up later. Of course while I was at school this was difficult, but over the holidays and after my mother passed and I started skipping school regularly it got worse and worse. A sunny day reminded me of that particular afternoon, and the many other afternoons like it that followed. It’s light there to illuminate, to reveal what I didn’t want to see, but the warmth and energy blocked by the windows and curtains.

Second, interlude before the gloaming

Now this was about a year ago or so, I think early February but maybe it was very late January. It was one of my first shifts at the bigger shop, as I’ve explained before there are two shops I switch between and one is big (relatively) while the other is small. It wasn’t the first time there, I did my training there and as I started over the Christmas break I had a few shifts there while there weren’t many people out and about and the place was less busy than usual. This was the first time it was “back to normal” though, and as it was so early in the year the sun was already beginning to set as I started my shift. I was doing the evening, which is my favourite one to do.

So I head to the shop to switch over with my co-worker, the orangey haze outlining the skyline all around me. I arrive and then remember that I had accidentally broken one of the keys for the main office we drop the money off at after every shift. So after that I had to go there briefly, before it got busy at the shop and get it replaced, and then go back again of course. It might seem silly but running these little errands, for a real job, for the first time in my life felt quite nice. I mean, in a way I had a feeling like I was finally becoming an adult. The tangerine glow, the maturation of the afternoon sky, felt rather appropriate at the time and still today when I think back on it. The shift wore on, and the last light faded away, but that memory stuck with me.

Third, the long awaited dawn

So spring just broke recently and it has been a long time coming. I already mentioned in a previous post that I fell into a brief fit of paranoia regarding my job, and while it wasn’t entirely unwarranted, after finding out it mostly was I realised how silly I looked. I don’t really want to go into it, now I realise how silly I look. I already half regret my very early posts for making me look like such a pathetic faggot even though in other regards I’m happy with them and having this blog generally is a positive thing for me. The point is that I was in a bad mental state, and this was all right at the end of a very dark winter. It really did begin to get to me after a while.

I was getting no sun at all, even for the few hours of daylight we had there was always a heavy cloud layer blocking it from really coming through. It took a while to really get to me, really the last couple of weeks of the winter, but eventually it clearly did. So I began to obsess over this imaginary conspiracy against me, and I hadn’t spoken to either of my friends in a few weeks either so I also started to get the usual thoughts about them enjoying life and having fun without me. I know it’s weak, and feminine, to be so easily brought down by such thoughts but I do have these moments of weakness.

I also started to get headaches most evenings, this was just the last week or so of the dark times but it was awful. I just had no energy, I stopped doing any exercise and I think I’m still reeling from it now because my motivation hasn’t quite come back. I mean this very post is mediocre and I’m only finishing it because the premise I started with was a good idea I think and I’ve committed quite a lot to it now. Nevertheless it’s already a few days overdue my usual weekly upload date. I’m just going to get to the final part of this and take a day before starting something entirely new.

So I had a few days off of work, four in a row actually. I didn’t go anywhere, I didn’t really write much or read or even listen to any new music. I didn’t do any exercise, and I was eating very little. Every night these headaches would kick in, and I ended up going to sleep rather early just to get away from the world. Eventually it was time to go back in to work though, and the first thing required for that was to wake up at a reasonable hour. I got up, and then had to shave. I don’t get much facial hair, just a bit of uneven/ patchy stubble after a few days and then it stops, and I think beards are pretty shit tier anyway. That alone felt like I was being cleansed, I mean sometimes when I haven’t shaved for a while I can literally “feel” my skin if that makes sense. Like it’s this thick layer on top, but after a good shave my face feels fresh and even more sensitive. I can feel the wind more, etc.

So then I left, and as I’ve mentioned before I walk through a park to get to work. It’s this small and very thin sliver of green, that somehow very few people seem to know about. I’ve noticed actually more recently more people appearing there, so maybe that’s changing, but for years and years I’ve been walking there and seen little or no people at any time. It’s really out of place, I can’t quite think of the right word for it but like anachronistic except instead of regarding time regarding geography. It’s like a brief portal into the countryside, with a small meadow and even that rustic kind of uneven fencing with the little plank midway up for stepping over in one section. Anyway, as I was walking up the path I felt it, the heat of the midday sun, something I hadn’t felt in months. It was the perfect timing, coming right after that week, it reminds me of that adage “it’s always darkest before the dawn”.

The feeling didn’t last that long, not even for the rest of that day, but the moment was special. I’ve been thinking about the sun a lot since then, that’s what inspired this post. I know it’s kind of shit but hopefully you can see what I was trying to go for, and appreciate the idea. Maybe the sun will continue to be something I talk and think about, in some way.

Some stuff

The last thing in the world I want to be seen as is false or insincere, but unfortunately being unwilling to do certain things I might consider so really limits my potential. See I want a larger audience, as I’ve said before not much more so than now just a few more people, but so much of the advice or methods that are given for helping with that feel wrong in some way. I’ll take one thing I’ve seen suggested, which is to directly address the reader. Now until now I haven’t ever really done that, maybe in a couple of specific instances but not as a general rule. I don’t open up every post pretending that I actually know any of you people. I’m glad you all keep coming back, and I’m glad that what I have to say resonates with you, but I won’t pretend you’re a personal friend of mine when that just isn’t the case. Doing so apparently is a great help though, people like feeling like there’s some kind of relationship between them and the person who’s blog or video or whatever they’re viewing.

That’s why every major youtube video (I’m talking normie sphere youtube, not a three hour lecture on bronze age cloth production or something) or blog or whatever starts with the now infamous “hey guys” and ends similarly with the person telling their audience how much they mean to them and similar crap. Now perhaps, in the case of certain larger figures who have a community develop around them and other interesting people within it that’s not entirely dishonest, but they were doing that before that point. See there’s this weird “fake it till you make it” scenario here, where you have to pretend that the few visitors who you know nothing about are a real community of people you actually know about and care for personally in order to actually get such a community, at which point it becomes accurate. Now again I’m not really aiming for a “community” myself, but I have always said I would like more people reading what I have to say than I do currently and I would like if people left comments and actually shared their thoughts on my posts.

Getting viewers, just any viewers, doesn’t mean anything. I want to specifically get the kind of people that, like I said, actually feel like what I have to say resonates with them in some way. So in a way saying that I want a larger audience isn’t entirely accurate, rather I want what I currently do to gain a larger audience. Like I said in my entry right after New Year’s Day, there are certain changes that would cause this blog to lose the identity it has developed. Suddenly shifting to a more friendly vibe, and starting off every entry with “hey guys, how are you doing today?” would not only just seem insincere to those of you who have been here for a while but would feel forced and unnatural for me. After all my instinct when starting was to write the way I did then and still do and to consciously change to a new style for the sole purpose of getting new viewers or getting the one off viewers that sometimes drop by to stay feels wrong. Well that’s not entirely true, there are some things I’m willing to change and others I’m not. I guess what I’m trying to find out is what separates the two, why do some changes to help grow the blog not bother me while others do?

Let’s take another example, something else I’ve heard is to always end with a question or even several questions. Now I’m not against the idea entirely, after all I do sometimes ask questions throughout my posts. Usually I’m using them as a device of rhetoric rather than actually seeking answers, but still I’m clearly not against asking questions as a rule. The problem is that again it’d feel forced, not as much as with the whole directly addressing you all thing sure but still enough to bug me. See, if I have to remind myself to end off with a question every time it’s just gonna feel weird. I’m not really saying anything at all here, this post is a complete mess. The thing is I started writing something entirely different a few days ago and had to delete all of it. The idea really fell apart and so now having thrown away days of work I’m just trying to get something out so I can maintain my weekly schedule. I’m not saying that what I’ve been talking about today isn’t something that I think about, or that has been on my mind, I’m just not able to articulate it very well right now. Looks like another dud week unfortunately, a shame because I’ve mostly been really happy with what I’ve put out over the last month or so. I do want to quickly make another point about the idea of ending with a question though.

See it’s a little like what I was saying earlier with regard to addressing you all directly, in that there’s this funny “fake it till you make it” thing going on. See, I say “audience” and “visitors” and similarly vague things, but really there’s just three or four (maybe five, it’s hard to tell because of the one time visitors) of you. I can end with a question, but it’s clear that none of you are interested in commenting or responding or you would have done so by now. Which is fine, I’m the same I actually never comment on youtube videos or other blogs or anywhere other than threads on 4chan really. So if I end with a question, I’m just asking a potential audience which doesn’t exist yet. Maybe it will never exist, but I do feel like if I was able to find a few people who truly care about what I have to say in half a year then hypothetically I should be able to find more given just how many people there are in the world, and that keeps me hopeful.

I don’t really know exactly what it is I want, I’m unwilling to make any meaningful changes but unhappy that I’m not finding more people who want to stick around. I’m not sure if I actually magically had say ten new regular readers within a month whether I’d feel any better. I mean when I actually write these I half pretend I’m writing them just for myself. I know that people are reading them of course, I’m conscious of that fact, but on some level I haven’t fully realised it. Maybe that’s another reason why openly addressing you, whether it be you meaning all of you together or you the specific person reading this right now, feels weird to me. I’m not sure what to say, what do you think?

Anyway, there’s still more good stuff to come (if you agree that some of what I’ve written for this blog so far was good) so I’d stick around even though there will probably also be more duds like this one as well in the months ahead. I don’t really talk about my own life so much anymore, as I did when I first started this blog, but despite what it might seem I’m actually doing really well right now. It’s been a dark week, I fell into a fit of paranoia regarding my job and the people I work with, but my suspicions have proven to be entirely unsubstantial. As the first days of spring finally hit, some much needed sunlight was shed on the situation, allowing me to realise how hasty I had been. I also stopped sharing my pleb tier entry level taste for the most part, but just in case anyone cares I’ve been listening to Alt-J a lot lately and also I’ve been getting into Death In June over the last few weeks. I also took this photo, the one used as the header image, earlier this afternoon. It’s not often you can see the moon so clearly in the middle of the day, and I thought it was pretty.

Looking backwards, looking forwards

Reading one of my earlier posts recently I made a connection that I’m sort of surprised I didn’t make way back then. I mentioned once I have this recurring intrusive thought or daydream of poisoning homeless people. Not any particular homeless individual, in fact I think the idea is that I’d specifically avoid the ones I know. See there’s a few who hang around near where I work, and sometimes I’ll give my tips or some of my tips to them after closing up. They’ve all come to recognise me when they see me now, there’s this one guy in particular who is very friendly. When I have to take the bin out to the sheds at the end of the shift and there’s not much room he’s helped me get it through the door a couple times. Yes it’s just a gesture, I can manage it easily enough and he’s there because he’s come to expect some change when seeing me ultimately, but nevertheless I appreciate it. I quite like these people, even if most of them probably rightfully earned their current situation, and I wouldn’t want any harm to come to them.

That’s the funny thing really, and I suppose I already did this bit in that very same earlier post so I won’t go on about it, but while I will judge these people for their poor character and decisions I don’t necessarily dislike them. On the other hand the strawmen I’ve conveniently just made up who would say I’m a nasty and ignorant person for doing so do tend to. Like I said I’ve already mentioned it before, but there’s a real disdain that most people have for the homeless and it’s a very visceral thing. It’s really a feeling of disgust, and it makes sense because they do often smell but it’s more than that, almost like they sense that their poor fortune might rub off on them. Even when I don’t have change or don’t want to give my change to one of them I’ll feel a bit bad and will always acknowledge them if asked, so many people just ignore them entirely. I mean completely blank them, they’ll be walking right by and definitely within earshot but they just pretend not only like they were never asked for money but like the beggar doesn’t even exist.

I said something else in that very same post as well actually, an insight which I lost as soon as I had it. I was worried when going back to reread some of these earlier posts that they wouldn’t hold up and would seem stupid and cringy but that’s not the case, unusually for something I’ve written and revisited after some time. There were a few things that I did in those earlier posts that I’ve decided to stop doing because of those reasons, but the general ideas and message I stand by in almost all cases which is what I’m talking about. Anyway, I said in that same post that ignoring someone is not something people do to those they don’t care about but actually to people they have a problem with. It’s not disinterest, if you’re being ignored it’s not because the person really doesn’t think about you, it’s a minor act of aggression. Not like being punched in the face or even insulted of course, but in principle it’s the same if not in degree. It’s a deliberate act, I think were my exact words.

I think this is why being “ghosted” bothers people so much, there’s this explanation that it’s because you realise how little you mean to them but that never sat right with me. That’s not what’s happening at all, let’s go back to the homeless people again for an example. See, the smartly dressed cubicle cucks and their heavily made-up female counterparts have to make an effort to pretend the beggar asking for help isn’t there, it’s undoubtedly a conscious act. They feel insulted that someone so gross and stupid (according to them, not me) would even speak to them, and again like I said in that post months back the deliberate ignoring of them really translates as “fuck off” or something like it. Being ghosted is no different, they’re basically saying you’re unworthy of their time and should fuck off. It’s not that you don’t matter to them, it’s that they have grown to dislike you or be annoyed by you and this is their way of saying so.

I’ve noticed as well that being ghosted seems to bother robots and people of a similar mindset even more so than it does normal people. Which makes sense when you think about it, because what is the thing that really seems to define a robot? Other than the obvious I mean. It’s this feeling of being ignored, of being left out. It starts young, and I literally cannot think of a single example of one of these people who doesn’t share this experience. I have had this experience, if you read MTW you’ll see that Elliot Rodger had this experience, it’s one of the most common things to see people lamenting on /r9k/ and in my very brief time spent checking out other spaces online populated by similar people I’ve seen it there as well. I mean you might think that this should mean they’re desensitised to it but I don’t think so. I think that it’s like irritating a wound, see a lot of these people retreat away from the world in their youth, which is partially what stops them from being properly socialised. The desire for companionship being so strong though, they search for relationships with other people online. The time away from the world has allowed for some healing, but then these online things break down as they always seem to and the scar is reopened.

I had another post very early on, my second or third, about school shootings. I feel like without the whole build up the hot take I have on the subject doesn’t have the same gravity so I’d say if you’re reading this and haven’t checked that one yet you should read it before this, but it’s not crucial. Essentially, I see school shootings/ mass shootings in general as performance art. The problem is that the message of the piece is not something I think the performers (the people doing the shooting, whether it be Elliot Rodger or the Columbine kids or whoever) are consciously aware of. I will say though, something I didn’t say in that post, that the increase in such events or at least the increased reporting of them is an interesting development. See take the example of Columbine, everyone always assumed they were bullied losers but they were actually relatively normal. They had a group of friends, one had a girlfriend I think, this is something that surprises people. It surprises people because it makes sense for school shooters to be losers, after all who is it who fantasises about doing that kind of thing? Even if only as an escapist fantasy, and they’d never actually do something like that, just like how I would obviously never actually harm the homeless. It’s kids who are bullied, kids who are meek, kids who struggled to find friends.

Now though, and there’s been a new one since that post actually but I haven’t taken the time to really read much about the story, you’re seeing a lot of these shooters more explicitly identify with this role or be identified with it. I’m not really here to talk about just shootings though, I think it’s bigger than that. After all, there was that guy Alek Minassian and he certainly fits in with this despite using a vehicle to attack the public rather than a firearm. So we all kind of know that it’s “losers” and now a more recent term “incels” who are the kind of person to engage in this sort of thing, even when it’s not, if you understand. Incel is a really interesting term, and I’ve had another idea for a post just regarding the term itself and why it over all the similar ones has come out on top in the public discourse recently, but right now I just want to talk about one particular thing regarding the term.

It’s something I’m sure I’ve talked about in a previous post, but I can’t for the life of me find it so maybe I never actually got around to that one. Does the term incel describe a kind of person, or an ideology? I mean of course it describes a person but I mean is it merely a person, is any young man who can’t get laid an incel? Or is it a young virgin male who also believes specifically in the usual things that are associated with the term incel? So, does being an incel also mean you have to be in that whole world of Chad and Stacy, of the blackpill, of the very term incel? I mean there’s the idea of the “hopecel” (which is one of the funniest words I’ve heard in a while) going around, which describes someone who would generally fit the incel archetype but doesn’t buy into the whole “blackpill” idea. The thing is, hopecels are considered a variant of incel (by incels, who are the ones who coined this amusing term) which leads me to believe that according to most people who would identify themselves as an incel it’s not about an ideology. To these people it is just what it says, a portmanteau of involuntary and celibate, someone who can’t get laid.

The problem is whenever incels are spoken about in normie media outlets they are identified as an ideological group. Even a terrorist group, lol. Any article on the subject from a major news organisation or even just a buzzfeed kind of thing (glorified blog that operates within the overton window) makes the preface that they’re not talking about all virgin men but merely the people who believe in the toxic/ misogynist/ hateful/ delusional or whatever other meme buzzword they have ideology professed on incel forums and other such places. This then filters down and nowadays the term incel when used in general public discussion also means this. So the question is really, what is this ideology? To me if there is one right now, and I’m not sure there is, it’s basically just a variant of the same “redpill” stuff that’s been here for over a decade. It’s really not much different than what PUAs, or MRAs or MGTOWs and so forth believe, other than a few admittedly crucial differences. It’s a lot like Marxism in a way, you have socialists and anarchists and Leninists and so on, but they all see one another as comrades when push comes to shove.

These crucial differences are, at least from my understanding, the “blackpill” and the acceptance of violence. So the blackpill is essentially the idea that it’s fucked and there’s nothing you can do about it. I don’t know if Eggy’s video is the actual first use of the term but it certainly was the point from which it entered the meme lexicon. It’s kind of spread to certain alt-right circles, you see some of those e-celebs use the term but it’s taken on a slightly different meaning when they use it, thanks to the pol9k pipeline which I’ve already talked about before. It’s ultimately the same feeling, hopelessness, just applied to politics. I’m not going to go on another several paragraph long tangent about this, but I’ll quickly say that there are even within incel circles different ideas about what the thing to be “blackpilled” on even is. It doesn’t matter too much, the only thing that matters is that the blackpill has been taken, and now you see how hopeless your situation really is.

I think this is what leads into the second thing, the acceptance of violence. Now most people who identify with incels obviously aren’t violent and thuggish, if anything I’d argue that meekness is much more common amongst them (us?) than the public at large. Statistically speaking an incel is less likely to murder you than a normie, I’m not kidding. What I’m saying is that you’ll never get any kind of condemnation about what Elliot or Minassian or the most recent guy who killed those women in a bank did, in fact you’ll find jeering and celebration of it. This is in opposition to the people who identify with those other associated “redpill” groups I mentioned earlier, who will always claim that they condemn violence. I’m not saying this as a bad thing, I’ve done the same over and over in my time on /r9k/ if I’m being honest, laughing and joking about the victims of various shootings. In fact the picture I think I’ll use for the header image on this is a screenshot of my post from the infamous “some of you guys are alright” thread, if I’m honest I’m not 100% convinced that Mercer actually made that thread and it’s not just a coincidence but it’s certainly a likely possibility. I do find it kind of satisfying, I probably gave that impression on my other post about school shootings too. It feels like a kind of twisted justice has been had when I hear about one of these mass shootings, and I know for a fact that a great many people feel the exact same way.

Until that post about school shootings, or the idea I wrote about in it came to me anyway, I couldn’t properly explain why. After all the people who die in these shootings aren’t even the actual people who excluded or bullied the shooter (if he was bullied that is) in many cases, so it’s not like he’s getting revenge. The people are random, but of course as I explain in that post that’s the point. What unifies everyone who has “taken the blackpill” is this feeling that the thing holding them back from happiness and companionship is out of their control. Whether it’s how they look, or their meekness and lack of proper socialisation as a child or whatever, it’s random, or at least it feels random to someone raised in the individualistic culture we inhabit. It feels wrong to even be angry at the people who did exclude you, after all you’re told over and over that to expect to be treated well or even the same as everyone else is entitled. Again though, going back to the other post I was talking about, ignorance is deliberate. Which should bring me back to where I started this post.

Back to poisoning homeless people, hopefully you’ve figured out the connection already. Just like with a mass shooting or running your vehicle into a crowd, the beauty is in the randomness. Now I can kind of retroactively appreciate why this weird fantasy appeals to me, and again I want stress I personally wouldn’t ever actually leave little poisonous drinks around for hobos. There’s just something about the idea of truly random violence that has a kind of beauty to it. There was a thread I saw a few weeks ago on /r9k/, it was about some crime that had happened and how the perpetrator was found because of his relation to the victim. I don’t remember why it was made, but there ended up being quite an interesting point made about the perfect crime.

The perfect crime you might say, is one without any discernible motive. This example was given by an American, he said what if he were to buy a gun and travel to a different state and then shoot someone at random. Then dispose of the weapon, make sure no fingerprints or DNA evidence is left behind and never talk about it. How plausible this actually is I don’t know, but it’s very interesting to me that it was someone from /r9k/ who would think this way. Again, this idea of randomness of the victim comes up. Just another anecdote that stuck out to me. I think there’s really something to this, and I think that while it may just be unconscious now a very interesting potential development for the “incel community” if there is any such thing will be when people start to become conscious of this.

Nothing lasts forever

Ok, I’m trying this for the second time. So I’ve just recently finished reading the book Travels In Nihilon, which I mentioned I was reading a while back and I should have been finished with a while back also but I’ve not been reading very much. Really just for about 15 minutes a day, I need to try and include reading more as part of a new restructured routine I think. Anyway, I said I might have something to say about it so here we are. It’s quite funny how I found out about the book actually, I searched my own blog title up on google to see what would come up one afternoon and there was another site/ blog with a similar title. I wouldn’t recommend it, it was just hipster trash but there was a post about the five books that most influenced the guy and this book was one of them. I don’t remember the others and while I’ve been able to find that blog again I can’t find the specific post about these books. Anyway from the brief description the book seemed quite interesting. It sounded like it would be worthwhile to give it a read given the kind of things that were on my mind at the time, so I found a copy on Amazon and ordered it.

Now “nihilism” is a tricky word, because my understanding of what it means seems to be quite different to the author Alan Sillitoe’s definition. From what I understand it’s essentially a lack of belief, not necessarily religious belief but belief in any kind of worldview that presents a greater meaning or purpose to you. I suppose it’d be more accurate to call that existential nihilism, but this is another great example of my concept of the cultural definition. What might be referred to in academic circles as existential nihilism, is just called nihilism more generally and even by those people as a shorthand. I’m not sure if this idea of mine is my own, or I’ve picked it up from somewhere else without realising. It certainly isn’t a wholly unique idea, and I’m not sure if the term “cultural definition” is the best thing to call it either. It’s funny too because the position is in a sense quite opposed to my usual outlook, I mean you could argue that it’s “democratic” in a way. It doesn’t have to be, I personally haven’t said that either the public consensus on a definition or the “official” definition of a word that would be in the oxford dictionary say is the more “true” version. All I will say is that it seems like most people would say so, after all given enough time the official definition will change or at the very least a second definition will be added to the dictionary.

I would say usually there is more complexity in these official/ older definitions of words and terms as a general rule, and as more and more people have become literate this simplification of language has sped up. Now obviously there are cases where both the cultural definition (or maybe I should call it, consensual definition? or functional definition?) is similarly nuanced and even more so than the older version. It’s not just standalone words even, look at the example that got me started on this tangent. Existential nihilism as an idea, has just become “nihilism” at least according to most people who you’d meet walking around on the street. There’s also moral nihilism, and political nihilism, etc. but those ideas are only covered by the new “nihilism” in so far as a symptom of this existential nihilism that many people feel is very common nowadays and is referred to simply as “nihilism”. Maybe I’m not explaining this very well, what I’m saying is these other nihilisms have all been tied in to one because of this simplification of language and this in turn limits our potential understanding of things. Now those other equally interesting and separate concepts are seen merely as different aspects or facets of the same one thing. Which is not even necessarily something I disagree with, in this particular instance in fact I would actually say I do agree with that to an extent, but the problem is that that’s not just another thing to consider it’s the only way of seeing things for most people, because of all these different ideas being shoved together under the word “nihilism”.

The thing is, the word “nihil” in latin from which the English word nihilism comes just means “nothing”, but we already have a word for that in English which is of course “nothing”. It seems to me there are two kinds of word, there are those that describe something completely material/ physical like a tree or a chair and translate easily, and words that describe things that are more abstract or dare I say metaphysical which of course are much more difficult to translate. Now obviously the word tree or chair is also an idea, the platonically ideal chair is whatever Charlemagne’s throne and a block of ice with a fur blanket on top that an eskimo sits on for supper have in common, and they both are ultimately a flawed but physical example of “chair”. The word exists to help make sense of the physical world, as opposed to a word like say (keeping on topic here) “nihilism” which may affect our behaviour in the material world but is not trying to describe something within it.

What I’m saying is, the word “nihilism” is not the English translation of the word “nihil” from latin. Perhaps when it was used as a component of these other terms it was closer to being so, take the concept of moral nihilism for example. To best explain moral nihilism (or at least what I think it is) I’ll actually go back to the example of the chair. So like a chair, all the real world examples may be flawed but share in common a certain “chair-ness”. Well a rather common view nowadays is moral relativism, which is similar in that according to this perspective there are certain different moral frameworks that exist but have some kind of universal “moral-ness” to them. Moral nihilism in comparison would deny that there is any such “moral-ness” at all. So you see how the evolution happens, or seems to have happened obviously, I’m not an etymologist I’m just an uneducated shut in so don’t take my word for it but you can see how it might have gone. “X nihilism” is generally a rejection of whatever “X-ness” people suggest there is. So the word is more similarly used to the latin “nihil”, “X nothingness” or “nothing X” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Existential nihilism isn’t really something that you can just sum up in a few sentences, but I suppose the general idea isn’t too difficult to understand, it’s in the name after all. Essentially, the idea is that existence has no meaning or anything at all really. We just are, inexplicably, and for no good reason at all really. How strange it is to be anything at all, as Jeff Magnum put it. Now of course, seeing as existence kind of covers.. well everything. It kind of makes sense how this one idea in a way consumed all the others. It’s understandable why people might believe that falling prey to this existential nihilism might lead someone to be distrustful of any kind of authoritative worldview at all. This is why, I think that all of these have come to simply exist together under the umbrella word “nihilism”.

Now, a lot of people (often reactionaries or religious types) who are scared of nihilism taking hold in the public consciousness or even lamenting the fact that it already has in their eyes, will go on to suggest what they think will be the result of it. Generally, you get images of a violent and chaotic world. A place where the people are ruled by fleeting fancies, and immediate urges. Naturally any kind of order or regimentation falls apart, and the idea of working towards a long term goal is an impossible one. Certainly if there’s not a very real and material long term reward for holding off on fully pursuing immediate hedonistic desires. I’ll take the example of this large football stadium I live near to. Now I’ve lived near it for most of my life, close to a decade and a half, and to this day when walking past it it still feels impressive. I mean you have to be there in person to get what I mean, it’s more than just a big building it feels fucking imperial. Especially at night and when it’s all lit up. Whether there’s crowds of people on a game day swarming around it and revealed by it’s looming presence for the tiny creatures they are or on a normal evening when you can really feel almost invincible up on the plateau the thing is built on knowing you’re in a city with millions of people and yet all alone in this huge open expanse.

See the builders who worked on that, a great deal of them probably support a different team or maybe are even foreign workers who don’t care about the sport at all. That’s fine, I’ve never cared about football either, but my point is that these football stadiums are the great monuments of our time. Now it’s certainly preferable to live in a civilisation with the wealth to build big majestic buildings like this at least, but it’s still lamentable that they are no longer built for the higher reasons the great wonders of the past were. Yes, slaves and hired workers were required to build such structures (The Great Pyramid of Giza, The Hagia Sophia, The Taj Mahal, Hadrian’s Mausoleum, and even The Empire State Building) in the past but the difference is that these structures were monuments to the very civilisation that birthed them. The people who own these stadiums today are foreign oligarchs who care nothing for the nation that hosts the thing, or even for the actual game of football in many cases, just like a lot of the builders as I said earlier.

These stadiums (and of course it doesn’t have to be football, in the US it might be baseball or that weird version of rugby where they wear armour, Canada it might be hockey, etc.) are what we might call private sector works. Now of course the private/ public sector dichotomy is a modern idea, and you can’t directly apply it to the past but you can in some sense describe a lot of these older buildings as “public sector” works. I mean sure often emperors and kings funded these projects themselves, but their wealth and the government treasury were often the same thing. Can you even imagine a typical western democratic government decreeing any kind of monument or great building be built today? Of course not, yet people do want that, why is the Trump wall such a huge selling point after all? You can’t have multi generational projects and term limits at the same time. That’s how you really know that nihilism has taken root, when your society has no self confidence, no desire or will to project itself onto the world. When you believe there’s nothing special about your culture to celebrate (with monuments for example), no long term vision, but just a demoralising and ugly day to day pragmatism.

Which finally brings me back to what I was trying to say right at the start, and onto the actual book. Like I said, the author’s definition of nihilism really doesn’t seem to be accurate at all. My understanding of the word is what I have gone through already, basically what would more accurately be called existential nihilism. The author’s definition seems to be describing the symptoms, or more accurately what some people think might be the symptoms. It’s like someone describing a fever as malaria, when you can have a fever just from a bad cold or a bunch of other illnesses. “Nihilism” as it is used in this book really could be substituted instead with the word “chaos”, at least that’s certainly how it seems at first glance. Here’s the premise of the novel. There is this country/ state which is called Nihilon and the government of Nihilon is intent on pursuing “””nihilism””” as a policy. The blurb describes Nihilon as “a little known country, whose life and economy are based on nihilistic principles”. Now how this actually plays out in the book is that the government does all it can to create as much chaos and contradiction as possible in every regard, so there are laws demanding that you never be caught driving sober, and manual labour is seen as women’s work, and so forth.

Now going back to what I was talking about earlier, in a rather ironic way not only is the definition wrong but the use of this wrong definition makes the fictional Nihilon in one sense quite the opposite of a nihilistic nation. The policy of perfectly regimented chaos (as it’s literally referred to at one point in the novel) requires far more self confidence on the part of the ruling elite, represented by the shadowy President Nil, than any of the great and powerful empires of old and even the pathological and idealistic states of the 20th century. Think Best Korea, The Soviet Union or The Third Reich, and Nihilon is just as authoritarian if not more so than any of those places. The level of oversight required to enforce this state of chaos is immense, people’s lives are micromanaged in every way.

Now the book is set a good two decades after this regime has held control, and so naturally people have begun to adapt to the mayhem. The average citizen of Nihilon by the time our characters arrive is a bipolar petty scam artist with a sociopathic disregard for human life. There’s one passage in particular that really illustrates the level of control the government has. One of the characters is on an airplane and chatting to the guy next to him as they’re arriving in Nihilon, so before they even arrive but the airline is owned by the government I believe, and at one point after the stranger says something he shouldn’t a voice barks out at him through a speaker on the back of the chair in front of them telling him to stop. It’s claimed that the voice is President Nil himself, although no one actually knows what he looks like, regardless I think that illustrates the situation quite well. It reminds me of the telescreens from 1984. So throughout my time reading the book this was kind of on the back of my mind, the government isn’t pursuing a policy of nihilism, that’s a contradiction in terms. Not only that, but this is one of the most ideologically single minded regimes imaginable if anything.

It’s not until reflecting after I was finished that I think I really understood what the author was truly trying to express. See the plot of the book is that the main characters are sent to this mysterious country to write a tourist guide for the place, but while there a civil war breaks out between the government and the “forces of law and order”, a rival faction who claim they want to restore those very things. The main plot culminates in this assault by the forces of law and order on a facility in the mountains from where the government of Nihilon planned to send a rocket ship into space with two “lovers” in order to broadcast to the world the first ever example of sex in space. It’s a huge symbolic thing, again reinforcing how much vision this government has, and they’re unable to stop it in time. Nevertheless the forces of law and order still manage to take control, President Nil flees and the daughter of the old president of Damascony (the name of the region before it became Nihilon, also following a civil war a few decades earlier) is made queen.

Now President Nil himself appears only twice in the story, or three times if that voice in the airplane really is him. The first time is already quite a way towards the end, just before the assault on the compound in the mountains, and it is revealed that the whole thing has in fact been orchestrated by him. That’s the twist of the story, or one of them anyway. It’s already revealed earlier on that the guidebook mission was a cover, and that the main characters were unwittingly set up to play a role in the rebellion, but it’s not until this scene right near the end that President Nil is revealed as the actual person behind it. So this is shown to the reader, but the characters themselves don’t meet the man until the very end, the last couple of pages of the book. This scene is as the characters are leaving once and for all.

See after the new regime settles in it quickly becomes apparent that nothing has actually changed, immediately there are a bunch of new equally zany and inane laws passed as the ones from before only this time in the name of honesty and virtue or some similar expression. It really doesn’t come as much surprise, as during the earlier parts of the book it’s made clear that the people fighting for “law and order” and the nihilonian forces are basically indistinguishable. They’re the same feckless idiots and self serving swindlers as every single person in this god forsaken country. The very attack on the compound is emblematic of this, a completely insane event with legions of sportscars smashing against the walls and the queen being carried into battle in a medieval style litter, etc. It slowly becomes clear that this is just a big game to these people, like football teams the one they ended up supporting was arbitrary.

See then it starts to become clear, and as the characters are trying to get the hell out of this now clearly irredeemable shithole they have one last encounter before getting on the boat home. As they are just about to leave, there are explosions in the crowd and the characters dash into the boat for safety. All except one, Benjamin Smith, who is probably the most developed of all the characters in the book and the one with the most ties to Nihilon having fought in the first civil war when the place was still known as Damascony. He sees the man in the crowd, who we the reader know to be President Nil and as he goes to kill him President Nil smiles. Here’s a quote from this last passage of the novel, just as the explosions start to go off. “It was like a volcano erupting, a spectacle which showed Benjamin – though only for a moment – that Nihilon was a country for which nothing could be done, a part of the world that could no more be covered by  guidebook than a jungle could”.

You see, President Nil smiled because it was in this moment that he knew he had achieved his goal at last, and he could die knowing that. He knew that because he saw the realisation in Benjamin’s eyes, that Nihilon had now actually become nihilistic in the true sense. I don’t mean that it had become chaotic, as I thought at first when reading the book the author meant by that word, I mean actually nihilistic. Remember what I said earlier about how some say a similarly orderless and nonsensical civilisation may be a result of a society that falls prey to nihilistic thinking, well President Nil seems to have almost done the reverse. By artificially creating such a world, he’s selected for the people who of course would thrive in it. The civil war was his big gambit, to see if all his hard work had paid off, and he was right. His long term policy it turns out, truly was nihilism after all. The only question really, is why he had such a goal.