Another quick one

I feel like I’ve come up against another brick wall, and this one has hit me much more suddenly than the last. Right back when I started this I had so much to write about, and I did. For the first couple of months I uploaded a lot of my best stuff so far, and I was uploading way more frequently too. I was writing for hours every day, it was new and exciting and I had a lot I needed to get off my chest as well, and to be fair I had more free time as they’ve been giving me more work since the winter really got going. I did slow down though, and I also uploaded a few mediocre entries for the sake of keeping to at least something new every week. I was worried that it wouldn’t end, that the enjoyment I had for this at the start wouldn’t return, but then over the last month it has. I’ve been really starting to enjoy it again, the last post especially might be the one I’m most proud of out of all the things I’ve uploaded. If not it’s certainly up there, and it’s definitely the best quality post. Not that you can really measure that in any objective way, but you know what I mean. It’s the best example of what I’m trying to do here, that and a couple of others are the ones I’d show as a representative if asked, not that anyone ever would.

See that period before was really concerning for me, I began to worry whether I had again got myself into a situation where I was expected to spend hours of time on something I found arduous and boring rather than the enjoyable hobby it should be. Very similarly to what I was talking about two posts back actually, where I’d started off enjoying chatting with that girl and then began to hate it, I thought that maybe I was growing to hate this. It never happened, but there were a couple of weeks where like I said I just forced myself to put something up rather than letting a post come together organically. Because of course, part of me thought it might never happen or at least that it would take a while. Of course none of those posts have been very good, and maybe it would have been better to just post even less often but I really really don’t want to go less than weekly. I’ve already gone into why before, but basically it’s because I’m scared of losing the few regular visitors I do get. I think I’m on three or four now, so back up from my lowest point of one but still a tenuous amount. As much as I am doing this for myself, I am also doing it to be heard. Not by a large number of people, but some. I write these because they will be read by someone, and maybe give them something to think about or just hear me whine idk..

I was going to force myself to write something again this week, I finally finished the book I was reading and was going to talk about that but it’s been six days since my last post and all I’ve managed is a couple of paragraphs. It’s not even that I’m not interested in talking about it, I just can’t right now for some reason. I remember at several points while reading the book there were things that stood out to me and got me inspired to share my thoughts. This post about the book, which I’m sure I’ll get around to eventually, was on my mind during those times. I think I mentioned I was planning it in my head in the post I made right after New Year’s Day even. I have both specific ideas for posts I intend to make down the line and the random moments of inspiration and yet I can’t do it again. I hope this doesn’t last as long as the last time, and next week I have a lot of time off so perhaps being stuck inside for four days in a row will get me writing but at the same time it can also be rather demotivating.

As I said before, I feel like I’m navigating my way through the black land. The thing is I don’t really know where I’m trying to get to, and I’ve been here so long I forgot what it’s like in happier and brighter places. I get a glimpse every now and then, the star poking through the sooty cloud layer, and it gives me energy to move and push on. This time a month, another just a few days, etc. The doubt always creeps back in eventually, where is this new path actually leading, further in? If I just stay where I am I’ll definitely get nowhere, and the evil things that lurk here begin to close in also, but I’m just so tired of this whole charade. I stay put and the shadow grows ever heavier, something somehow pulls me out of it and I begin a new but ultimately futile journey which ends with me once again alone in a cold and dark pit. Is my goal to get free, to escape from this place? If so why would I ever have come here in the first place, did I stray from the right course by accident or deliberately? It seems a mix of both choice and circumstance led me here, but I don’t know how much of a role either played. I don’t remember anymore, all memory of my time before being here is a blur.

I remember what it was like early on though, my spirit was weakened very gradually. It didn’t happen right away, I believe I even thought that in some way I was better for having ended up here. Like it took something to end up here that most people didn’t have, pride and delusion go hand in hand. Stupid people and boring people never end up in such places, but I see now that the boring one is me. I’ve done nothing but aimlessly wander around not developing at all, and the point at which I diverged from everyone else gets further away every day. Let’s say I can find my way back, if that’s even what I want now, and that alone takes some time. Well even then I’m at a place most people have long moved on from, and therefore still just as alone.

I’m not just talking about the thing I was talking about last week here, although I suppose that is what has brought all these thoughts up again, I’m talking about every aspect of life. It’s funny though, I talked about PUAs last week and this metaphor is quite appropriate for them in a way. You know, because the thing with PUAs is in many cases they’re chasing after the people who left them behind long ago. Even the ones who go on to be incredibly successful with women are eternally unsatisfied because they will never experience young love. If you look past the greased back hair, stained leather jacket and ripped jeans you’ll see the same lonely kid who spent too many summer afternoons indoors. It’s really quite sad, and I know I can’t ever end up like that. There aren’t many other options though, I mean where can I go from here? I’m really not sure, I just feel so hopelessly lost and not only does it seem like no one cares it’s beginning to feel like I’m actually resented for being such a loser.

I’m struggling to even stick to a coherent point, I’ve just been hit over the last week with this sudden influx of bad thoughts. It’s like you get on a train of thought and within a short few days you’ve seen all the usual scenery from the window. I’m just having a hard time right now, and I’ll try to make a better post next week. It’s a shame, I really have felt like I’ve been on a roll the last month. I think this is just going to happen sometimes.