Merry (belated) Christmas my friends

I’m not really sure how I feel about the MBTI test, more specifically the 16personalities.com test which is the one everyone uses, because on the one hand it’s clearly not much more than a glorified horoscope. Yet so many people take it seriously, for whatever reason and despite the obvious flaws. I suppose because it was influenced by Jung who is this figure that so many hold in very high esteem today. Anyway, I’ve taken the test a couple of times before and of course I got two different results. Now yes they were a few years apart, but still I feel like with this test you could take it twice in a month and get two different results. Anyway I was about to start the test a third time because I’ve been reminded of it a lot lately and was almost immediately annoyed by the questions, and then I remembered I have a blog now (even if no one ever reads it) and an outlet for me to talk about things that bother me. Also I have less free time this week so this will be something easy to do and still stay on top of my one post a week schedule. So here we go, this should be the last time I do this test and I’ll have it recorded somewhere. The test is quite simple, there are several pages with about six statements each. For every statement you have seven options, which are not labelled very helpfully at all. See it’s a series of dots with agree on one side and disagree on the other, the dot in the centre is grey to represent “neutral” everyone assumes even though it’s never said anywhere and the coloured dots (green for agree, brown for disagree) get larger the further out from the centre you get. Maybe this will lead to me doing to test wrong somehow, but I’m going to call the largest dot “strongly agree”, the middle one “agree”, and the smallest one before neutral “partially agree”. Hopefully this is a little interesting for anyone reading.

You find it difficult to introduce yourself to other people.

This one is fine, and I’ll put strongly agree.

You often get so lost in thoughts that you ignore or forget your surroundings.

Ok this one bugs me a little bit, see I put partially agree because that’s the honest answer but I had to think about it and I very easily could have put something else. Like I was saying earlier, if I took this a month from now or after just long enough to forget this question would I put something different? I’ll put partially agree because I can get lost in thoughts/ end up daydreaming while walking or doing something that doesn’t require much thought, however it happens less often than it used to and even then I wouldn’t say it happened often. There can be several days where I’ll walk to work and do my thing there and not really spend much time dwelling on anything other than surface level crap and immediate concerns. Also though, this particular part of the test is clearly trying to get at something bigger through this statement. The real question is, are you a particularly thoughtful person? Which I would probably put strongly agree to, but certainly at least agree. I’ve actually written quite a bit about this, in Thinking about thinking about things. I understand the importance of thoughtfulness as a personality trait and maybe that’s why I recognise what this question is really about. So because of certain circumstances and learning to control my thoughts more over time, by answering this question more honestly I may actually be answering the “real question” less honestly if that makes sense. This is a big problem with this test, there are similar questions later that have the same problem. They use these irl examples of things they think would express a certain trait, but often the examples aren’t a perfect parallel as in this case. Still, I think the best choice is to answer the question honestly and if that leads to a clearly inaccurate final result that will better show the issues with this test.

You try to respond to your e-mails as soon as possible and cannot stand a messy inbox.

Firstly this is really two statements at once, which hopefully everyone can understand is really stupid. So I kind of had a hard time answering this one and while I ended up going with partially agree I again very possibly could have gone with something else, in this case neutral. See if it was just the second part, I’d say I agree or even strongly agree maybe. I do generally feel kind of uncomfortable with mess and clutter but I’m also admittedly quite a lazy person. I’ve also struggled with finding motivation even for small things like cleaning up my immediate living space or studying for tests etc. for as long as I can remember. So not only is this just a missed opportunity, because had this been separated into two questions they could have had one be about orderliness and the other about.. I don’t know industriousness maybe, but also if your answer is yes to part but no to the other it’s just difficult to find an accurate answer. See I do prefer to keep a clean inbox if we’re sticking with this particular example, but at the same time unless I’m expecting an e-mail it might take months or longer for me to check it. I also have several “lost” e-mail accounts because it’s been so long since using them I forgot the passwords. I know they have the word “try” in there for a reason which does make it a little less annoying but it is still two separate statements.

You find it easy to stay relaxed even when there is some pressure.

This one is also a little more difficult to answer, because it’s so vague and I react quite differently to being under pressure depending on various other circumstances. I’m not the kind of person to hyperventilate or have panic attacks, but I wouldn’t say I react well to stress I just retreat or avoid it whenever possible. Yes, it is cowardly of me and possibly my worst character trait. I shouldn’t be reading into these too much though, so while I do think this question is more generally asking if I react well to stress, they asked if I stay relaxed which is generally true I usually can keep my cool even when cornered with responsibility. The only exception being certain social situations, then I can get pretty shaky and visibly nervous. I’ll put agree partially for this one as well because of that last thing.

You do not usually initiate conversations.

I’m going to put partially agree yet again, I imagine these partially agree/ disagree options are going to be used a lot throughout this. See if you were to collect a record of all the conversations I’ve ever had then yes probably quite a lot more were initiated by others than by me, and yes I also am very shy and have a difficult time talking with most people naturally, but at the same time with the few people I am totally comfortable with I’m far from reserved or guarded. Now I know to take only the conversations with those people might seems somewhat arbitrary but think about it. Another word we use for shy people is “inhibited”, the Oxford definition of which is “Unable to act in a relaxed and natural way because of self-consciousness or mental restraint. The keyword being “natural” there. So while it is on the one hand true that I don’t initiate conversations usually it could be argued that, seeing as with the few people I am comfortable with I will actively seek to chat, I do and there’s an outer shell I wear when facing the outside world which isn’t my real personality. This is something I’ve thought about giving it’s whole own entry actually, and if I end up writing a whole paragraph for every question this one will be absurdly long, so I’ll save it for now. Point is there are two ways I could answer this and while I’ll go with the more “true”, materially speaking, answer in this case it’s another bad question.

You rarely do something just out of sheer curiosity.

This one is actually perfectly fine, and also fairly accurate so I’ll put agree. First page done.

You feel superior to other people.

I’m genuinely wondering what kind of person would actually say agree to this statement. I’m pretty sure even the most contemptible fedora tipping neckbeard strawman you could think up would hesitate to do so. I’m convinced that the real idea behind this question, what they’re really trying to find out with your answer, is how much self awareness you have. I’ve talked about the whole NPC meme before and how it’s the most recent expression of the “sheeple” joke, and I suppose the kind of people who without thinking would use that might say they agree but most of those people are teenagers who are still mentally developing. I understand that way of seeing the world because I’ve been there, in fact I think it was also Thinking about thinking about things in which I talked about this I believe. On the other hand though it could be argued that I am superior to many people. I wouldn’t say I’m superior to people as a general rule, but by any standard that would be used to judge such a thing (intelligence, athletic ability, raw strength, whatever) there will be people I’m superior to, and of course inferior as well, the same goes for pretty much everyone on the planet. I feel like a stupid person just reading that back, because it’s so obvious but I felt it was necessary to mention. I’ll go with partially disagree.

Being organised is more important to you than being adaptable.

This one is really difficult for me for some reason, it’s just odd to see these two things placed in opposition to one another because I don’t feel like they really are. If anything being adaptable requires someone who is organised, someone who doesn’t have their shit together isn’t going to be ready when a situation that requires them to be adaptable comes up. I think I have to put neutral, I hope that that choice actually tells the test maker something and isn’t just thrown out. I do wonder how much the neutral answers given are taken into account, especially because they literally suggest to never do so. Why would they even give the option though, and why should you have to try at all with these questions? Seriously, this is a personality test and the answers should be immediately apparent to the person going through it. The fact that I have to question what they’re really asking for almost every question really exemplifies the issues with this test.

You are usually highly motivated and energetic.

This is a much better question, easy to answer and doesn’t seem to have any kind of hidden meaning, I’ll say disagree.

Winning a debate matters less to you than making sure no one gets upset.

First of all this one is just worded really confusingly, not something I’ll go on about but it’s just easy to think you might be giving the wrong answer without realising it. I’ll say disagree partially, because of course I’m not an edgy “dude facts don’t care about your feelings lmao, trigger the libs epic style” faggot but at the same time I wouldn’t be in a debate with someone if I didn’t believe in what I was arguing for. So of course while I generally try not to upset the people around me, and like I was saying earlier there’s only a few people I’m truly comfortable around and would end up debating or arguing with, I wouldn’t be willing to hide my beliefs or fold on something just to make them feel better.

You often feel as if you have to justify yourself to other people.

Very strange question indeed, if it said explain instead of justify perhaps it’d change the entire implication but it’d make way more sense to me. I can’t think of a single instance in my life where I’ve felt the need to justify myself, maybe justify certain decisions but it doesn’t say that. I’m going to have to go with strongly disagree.

Your home and work environments are quite tidy.

Well this is difficult, because I certainly prefer them to be and generally try to keep them that way but due to the laziness I do sometimes let mess build up to a point that would disgust some people. I’ve improved a lot, it’s been over a year since I had any piss bottles in my room for example, but I still have a pizza box in the corner that’s been there for three weeks. I do have this desire to live in a clean environment though and when I stay on top of things my mood is noticeably better, every once in a while I’ll get a sudden burst of motivation and spend a few days really sorting things out and usually I can maintain it for some time after that. I’m going to have to go with neutral again, even if that might mean they throw this answer out too.

You do not mind being at the centre of attention.

I don’t see anything wrong with this one, disagree.

You consider yourself more practical than creative.

I don’t quite see these two as opposed personally, and frankly I wouldn’t ever choose to describe myself as either. I suppose I am the kind to deliberate and spend a great deal of time thinking about something rather than getting to work and fixing things, so I’ll say partially disagree.

People can rarely upset you.

The word “can” here is really what makes this question tricky, because were it just “People rarely upset you” then I would agree or even strongly agree, but the thing is if they really wanted to it would be very easy for someone to hurt my feelings if they wished to. It is true that a lot of what would probably bother most people doesn’t get to me at all, I’m not a prideful person at all, but I have old wounds that hurt when prodded. I’ll go with partially agree.

Your travel plans are usually well thought out.

This is quite similar to the question about the e-mail, but done much better. I have very little experience in this regard (or any for that matter), in fact I’ve really only organised one holiday and that was very poorly thought out. We got lost multiple times, once late at night trying to find out way back to our camp and quite a lot else went wrong, but I’m glad it went that way looking back. So, seeing as any trips I take in future will likely be not much better planned I’ll say disagree.

It is often difficult for you to relate to other people’s feelings.

Strongly disagree, I think I’m a particularly empathetic person and I hope that this blog has so far given that impression.

Your mood can change very quickly.

I’ve also talked about this before here I think, strongly agree.

In a discussion, truth should be more important than people’s sensibilities.

This is a tricky one, but like with all of these I’m never sure if I’m just reading into it way too much or it really is just too complicated for what it’s supposed to be. I really wonder what they think they’re learning about me from my answer to this question. They keep creating these weird dichotomies that just don’t make sense to me and this is another case of that. I mean it really depends on the nature of the conversation. I mean if you’re having a heated political discussion you might feel differently than if someone you care about asks your opinion and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. Maybe I’m just nitpicking here though, I think I get what they’re really asking. So agree, because I do think honesty is something important.

You rarely worry about how your actions affect other people.

Disagree.

Your work style is closer to random energy spikes than to a methodical and organised approach.

Unfortunately I’m going to have to say strongly agree. In fact I’m waiting on one of those spikes of energy right now, I feel I started this entry really strong but now I’m finding it difficult to find something intelligent to say. I should have just pushed through on Christmas eve when I started this. Now I’m just trying to wrap it up so I can do a proper post again. Maybe this was a mistake..

You are often envious of others.

I don’t actually think I am, I’m going to go with disagree.

An interesting book or video game is often better than a social event.

This is another tricksy one, the word “better” really makes it difficult to answer. See social events are not something that come up often for me anymore. They’ve become incredibly rare in fact, and while I may still turn one down in favour of being alone with a book or video game (and isn’t that an interesting thing to put in the question, rather than say a film, given the associations it has) I’m not sure it’s because those things are “better”. I really don’t like that choice of word, it’s just completely inappropriate in this context. I suppose those things are preferable, but I’ve got to be honest I prefer them in part because they’re easier. A social event is always intimidating for me, but as much as I romanticise the solitary lifestyle I do long for the company of others. When a social event goes well, it puts me in a better mood than any book or video game could do nowadays. Not to say I don’t have many fond memories of spending time alone with various things like that but ultimately there is something rather dissatisfying, and unhealthy as well, about having so many of one’s fondest memories being of spending time alone with someone else’s art. I could go on about this one in particular for quite a while honestly, but I’m just now realising how long this entry might be. I’m not yet half way through the test and already I think this is one of the longest posts I’ve ever made, even though it has taken very little time. I mean it’s been a good while since my last upload, but I’ve spent very little time actually writing this week for obvious reasons. I might just speed through as many as possible now, whenever it’s been longer than a week since my last post I start to get worried. It’s good to know I can get a lot more done when there’s some kind of a prompt or thing to spring off of though, I’ll keep that in mind. I chose neutral.

Being able to develop and plan and stick to it is the most important part of every project.

This is a far better version of what they were trying to do with the organised/ adaptable question. Only partially agree, because of the word “every”, there are always exceptions.

You rarely get carried away by fantasies and ideas.

Strongly disagree, getting carried away with ideas is why this blog exists.

You often find yourself lost in thought when you are walking in nature.

Partially agree.

If someone does not respond to your e-mail quickly, you start worrying if you said something wrong.

I’m going to substitute “e-mail” for “text” because it makes a lot more sense, and agree.

As a parent, you would rather see you child grow up kind than smart.

Again I reject the two things being placed in opposition, and the weird contrivance of them being mutually exclusive. In fact if the child is more intelligent I’d expect them to also be nicer, the two things seem to go hand in hand from what I’ve experienced. Probably because more intelligent parents will of course have more intelligent children, and more intelligent parents will probably do a better job of parenting. I’m going to say disagree, but I know they’ll take that as an agreement with the reverse of this statement which it of course isn’t, rather than a rejection of the premise which is what it is.

You do not let other people influence your actions.

I hope this is another question that is just testing how self aware/ honest with themselves the person taking the test is. Because the answer is the same for everyone, and that’s strongly disagree.

When you sleep, your dreams tend to focus on the real world and it’s events.

I’m thinking strongly disagree, the forms and shapes of the real world are certainly there albeit distorted and entirely new. It’s not “the real world” though, it’s an entirely different kind of place every time.

It does not take you long to start getting involved in social activities at your new workplace.

Strongly disagree.

You are more of a natural improviser than a careful planner.

Ok, they’re really starting to beat a dead horse now. Partially disagree.

Your emotions control you more than you control them.

Disagree.

You enjoy going to social events that involve dress up or role play activity.

Strongly disagree.

You often spend time exploring unrealistic and impractical yet intriguing ideas.

Something about this question makes me very sad, there’s this particularly unpleasant view on things that’s just there under the surface. I know this is becoming a pattern, but it really does come through thanks to a couple of words. “Unrealistic” and “impractical”, as if all thought has to be leading to some material gain. Even the idle thoughts you might have while you’re busy doing some menial task must be, it’s like the person who made this statement can’t appreciate thought as anything other than a vehicle for some real world impact. It’s just daydreams about what nice thing could happen, or whatever. I’m not explaining myself well at all here, and I even left this one to come back to because I thought I’d have something intelligent to say but I can’t. I forgot what I said as well, probably agree even after everything I had to say. I do daydream a lot after all.

You would rather improvise than spend time coming up with a detailed plan.

Partially disagree.

You are a relatively reserved and quiet person.

Strongly agree.

If you had a business, you would find it very difficult to fire loyal but underperforming employees.

Agree.

You often contemplate the reasons for human existence.

It’s questions like this that make me wonder if this test was designed for stupid people, but at least this one isn’t as bleak as the other similar question on the last page. I hate to say that, because as I’ve said before I don’t think of myself as an especially intelligent person, but the way this statement is worded conjures up the image of a total simpleton spending hours of time making no kind of progress. No, I don’t often contemplate any one thing for long at all. You could say I do I guess, I can see it, but it would be a complete simplification. I’m going to have to say partially agree, even though that will probably give an inaccurate result, because again what they’re really asking is whether I’m thoughtful or introspective. It’s so fucking transparent, they ask several questions getting at the same thing and most do a pretty bad job of it.

Logic is usually more important than heart when it comes to making important decisions.

No, I disagree that it’s usually more important, I’d say it’s sometimes more important. Of course I’m going with the dumbed down normalfag way of using that word. So, partially disagree, so they don’t again assume by disagreeing I therefore agree with the reverse.

Keeping your options open is more important than having a to do list.

They just won’t fucking give up with this one will they, disagree.

If your friend is sad about something, you are more likely to offer emotional support than suggest ways to deal with the problem.

Disagree.

You rarely feel insecure.

Strongly disagree.

You have no difficulties coming up with a personal timetable and sticking to it.

Disagree.

Being right is more important than being cooperative when it comes to teamwork.

Partially agree.

You think that everyone’s views should be respected regardless of whether they are supported by facts or not.

I suppose we’ll just ignore opinions/ views that are neither supported by or in opposition to the almighty “facts” here, something that the materialist menace doesn’t seem to be capable of dealing with. So I’ll say disagree.

You feel more energetic after spending time with a group of people.

If the interaction went well then I will, but then after a few hours or maybe the next day I’ll feel quite drained, so partially agree.

You frequently misplace your things.

Disagree.

You see yourself as very emotionally stable.

Strongly disagree.

Your mind is always buzzing with unexplored ideas and plans.

Strongly agree.

You would not call yourself a dreamer.

I don’t think if asked that that is how I’d choose to describe myself, but I wouldn’t say it’s inaccurate either so I’ll say partially disagree.

You usually find it difficult to relax when talking in front of many people.

Strongly agree.

Generally speaking, you rely more on your experience than your imagination.

Partially disagree.

You worry too much about what other people think.

Strongly agree.

If the room is full, you stay closer to the walls, avoiding the centre.

Agree.

You have a tendency to procrastinate until there is not enough time to do everything.

As recently as half a year ago I would have said strongly agree, now I’ll just go with agree. This blog is what is really helping with that actually, of course it could all fall apart at any moment.

You feel very anxious in stressful situations.

I feel like I already did this one.. Partially agree.

You believe that it is more rewarding to be liked by others than to be powerful.

This is tricky, I would say agree but I know that were I already liked by many people I’d disagree. It’s not a personality trait but rather a consequence of my current circumstances which could (although don’t seem to be any time soon) change. I’ll still say agree I suppose, because I do, but I don’t really like the question.

You have always been interested in unconventional or ambiguous things, e.g. in books, art, or movies.

I really don’t like how a lot of these are worded, I mean for God’s sake in what way are those things unconventional. If anything it would be unconventional to not enjoy art of some kind. I’ll agree, because again we all see what this question is really getting at.

You often take initiative in social situations.

Strongly disagree.

Anyway I’m done, half regretting this but it was already too late when I realised it was a bad idea to go back as I’d made quite a lot of progress towards finishing it and it had been a while since my last post. This is actually the result I got the first time I took this test, but not the second time, weirdly enough. So maybe I’ll talk about it briefly in another entry but I just want to get this one out so that’s why I’m doing that here. To whoever decides to read this at some point in the next few days, good luck in the new year and I hope to see you there.

Sleep like a pillow, no one there

I had another dream the other night, two separate dreams really but in one night. It’s funny how that works, you’ll have long periods of time sometimes with no dreams worth remembering and then when you do have those more vivid experiences they come all at once. When it rains it really does pour, in the etheric realm anyway. Like an anthology of stories almost, I do believe there were a couple more dreams that night but a few days have passed and these are the two that I’m still thinking about. I don’t really know if there’s anything to actually glean from either of them, despite my fascination with dreams and the ethereal (which I suppose we all have) I’ve never really studied or read a great deal on the subject. Therefore I’ve also never really been too interested into looking for “meaning” in my dreams or anything like that, like how people say if you see certain images/ symbols or find yourself in certain situations in dreams it can supposedly reveal something about yourself. I don’t think there’s any truth to that, I’ve come to kind of disregard that whole idea. What I think is so fascinating is the alternate state it puts you in, where the physical rules of the universe no longer exist. Time is convoluted of course, the physical environment morphs constantly and the thing that really gets me is how you will just be entirely unfazed by any of it. It’s a world of representations of material things, they exist to ground us just enough but no more. Because without some kind of material reality or at least the perception of it there can be no cohesive thought. Because our own method of thought developed in such an environment we need something like it to stimulate the mind perhaps. Not that all the environments of our dreams are always places we have personally been to, or even seen, but they resemble a world that is familiar always. Often in fact you’ll believe (or at least I experience this) you’re in a location from your own life, a school, workplace, park, library, your own home, etc. and yet when you wake up you realise that the place you were in looked completely different and had a layout of some entirely different place. For whatever reason, it had some kind of essence of that real place that made you believe you were there despite it actually being some creation of your unconscious mind that might not have any equivalent in the real world.

I don’t really like Jordan Peterson but I have to credit him with making me aware of this in his lecture series about some of the bible stories. I don’t remember exactly which one but at some point he talks about how early attempts at artificial intelligence where they believed they could create a metaphorical “brain in a jar” were unsuccessful because all thought is filtered through material experience. In a somewhat paradoxical way I suppose, in order to have any kind of objective view on things (or at least be trying to get there, if in vain) you must have a subjective/ limited cognitive experience. If there’s no starting point to work from, you can’t form a worldview or come to an understanding about anything because you’re all possible interpretations and conflicting information at once. I mean even the idea of an “idea” is something that would be impossible for this hypothetical disembodied intelligence because something that doesn’t inhabit the material world can’t possibly categorise and separate. That’s omniscience right there, that’s God I suppose, or enlightenment. You know because if we go back to my favourite subject, the ascetics, a lot of them (particularly eastern ones) have this idea that by rejecting the physical/ material world and their worldly desires they will achieve enlightenment. Well I suppose maybe they were getting at something, it seems to me anyway when you take this idea into account. It’s interesting when you think of how heaven, or paradise or similar ideal “end points” I suppose you can call them are described and represented. They’re places you can do no wrong, an eternal bliss. I remember my dad talking to me about this when I was quite young, and he said that to him heaven (I think he was really just talking about the Christian or more specifically Catholic conception of it, being born to that background) sounded like an opium den. Now that’s partly his typical Gen X cynicism talking (something which I think he should have done a better job of keeping more contained around me growing up) but there is something to it. Opium, heroin, and other similar drugs do have that effect of detaching one from their instinctual desires. People will go days without eating or sleeping, or doing anything at all, and on the surface it does seem a little like the behaviour of the ascetic monks of the world. It’s not actually if you dig a little of course, the addict is not rejecting these physical needs out of sheer force of will but rather tricking the brain into thinking such needs have been satiated because it’s overloaded with pleasure. It’s cheap, a false prophet you could say. See even in Christianity the end point might not be enlightenment but it kind of is because they say heaven is where God dwells. Only in death (losing your body) can you lose that restraint which keeps you from having a total understanding. Everything can very easily be confused for nothing, because it isn’t something.

In an article I read about the subject (artificial intelligence and how they need to give it a body in order to get anything we could actually recognise as intelligence or even just consciousness) on some online science journal they talked about this ancient idea of the separation between mind and body and how this somehow proves it to be the wrong way of looking at the situation. I disagree though, if anything it’s further proof of such a separation. Because we’re flawed aren’t we, we’re fallen. We may have eaten of the tree of knowledge but we are not knowledge unbound, we’re just something more than mere beasts. Speaking allegorically of course, I don’t believe there was an actual Adam and Eve. I hope whoever reads this understands what I’m getting at, because I know I’m not very articulate or intelligent and I’m just scraping at the surface of subjects which are far beyond my understanding, because it’s fascinating stuff and to read or listen to the people who really know what they’re talking about is very satisfying for me. I suppose there’s this arrogance in that conception these scientists (or more accurately the science journalist who wrote the article) have that bothers me, because they forget that the material form which grounds us and gives us a starting point for understanding also limits us. Because knowledge builds on itself, ideas build on other ideas, and so if you have no starting idea (food keeps you alive, etc) you can’t get anywhere at all sure. Also though, you’re always going to be constrained, it’s not that there isn’t a greater unlimited intelligence but rather that we just can’t interact or even really comprehend it because it is completely intangible. I’m reminded of something I mentioned briefly before in a different entry, about language. Of course the idea is something plenty of people have talked about, and it’s something I’ve thought about for years before starting this blog, but the idea of language as both our liberator and jailor. I think it was in “Living up to my shitty blog title” which is still in my opinion the best post I’ve made so far. Because without language you can have all kinds of ideas but can’t express them, and also there are ideas and ways of expressing things that are now locked away from you at the same time. So your potential is expanded greatly and yet also given a limit. Hopefully that helps explain what I’m getting at here, a body provides the gift of perception and yet will always prevent you from having a total understanding of things.

I ended up going down a bit of a rabbit hole, but I’ll give that description of the two dreams I had. The first one had me in this sleepy town, or maybe it would be more accurate to describe it as a large village. I don’t know where it was, but it was snowing heavily and there was only one way in or out. There was this huge road that wound all around and up above the town, along the edge of a cliff almost. I arrived down from this road and came to this small church car park (I was able to drive in this dream) which was completely desolate. It was the first place I saw after coming down from the road above, and other than that there were just narrow streets. There were only a couple other cars, and maybe double as many empty spaces. All the cars were kind of old fashioned looking and clearly aged quite a bit, even mine. I don’t exactly remember getting out and moving but I remember being in the graveyard right after this, and in the centre as it snowed around me I stood and looked up at this great granite statue of an old woman holding up a celtic cross with both hands almost like that scene at the beginning of the lion king. It was dark, with just the light of the moon to help me see, and so I couldn’t see her facial expression. Also in the background there were some houses, terraced it looked like, so I felt fenced in in a way. The graveyard itself was very small, but other than that I don’t remember anything else about it. I don’t even really know why I was there, I vaguely recall being sent there for something but I don’t remember much more than that. I remember walking along one of the few streets there, and none of the houses had their lights on. My memory is hazy I’ll be honest, I remember waking for a moment not long after this and feeling kind of disoriented before returning to sleep.

The second dream was entirely different in feel, instead of the spooky and silent streets of cobbled stone we were in this bright and warm building at mid morning. I say we because I wasn’t alone this time, with me was one of the girls from work. Not one I’ve mentioned before here, or ever had appear in a dream of mine before. This building we were in, a huge room with two levels under one roof, kind of like I was talking about earlier was work to me. It was the shop, even though it wasn’t even a shop. If anything it was more like a library, a big old library with an old stone façade and this wonderful art deco interior. Rich mahogany furniture, bronze cladding on the small escalators that took you to the second level and chandeliers with misted white glass. Now looking back this is really weird, but in the dream it made total sense to me, again like I was talking about earlier. My co-worker, the girl who was there in the dream with me, said that the manager had told her it was my job to make some mayonnaise. There was some kind of meeting or lunch and I had to have it ready before then at midday, luckily this library also had an open kitchen. Now the funny thing is I don’t know how to make mayonnaise and I don’t really like it very much, but there’s this scene from a tv show I watched as a kid that has for whatever reason stuck with me to this day. I mean seriously I was maybe six or seven years old at the time I first watched it. In the scene this kid who wants to be a chef when he grows up makes some mayonnaise when the party or whoever he’s with run out, I don’t remember the details, and it only takes him a few minutes. I’m pretty sure he used eggs and maybe vinegar or something (yes, it’s been over a decade and a half and despite telling myself that day I’d learn to make it too I still haven’t even got around to checking the recipe) and this kind of blew my mind at the time. See to me it was just this white goo that came in jars, like one of those jokes people make about americans who think food “comes from the supermarket” in a way. Of course I was aware all non naturally occurring food had to come from somewhere but this moment made it real as opposed to some abstract thing I didn’t ever give any thought to.

So in the dream I still didn’t know how, but I was too prideful to admit it and I think I just threw some eggs in a blender without even cracking them open. I left to go to the second level where the toilet was, and there were two small cubicles. They were right in the middle of the room, and weirdly shaped like big books almost. Long, but really narrow so inside both walls were pressing on you, and in turn both the cubicles were pressed against one another. As I went in to use one, she followed and went into the other, and as I left she left hers. It was very strange, she gave me this really odd and kind of villainous grin. I went back down to the main level and she said something about how the omelette better be ready soon as I was running out of time. It wasn’t until I woke up later that I realised something had changed, not that it mattered because soon after that things had changed again and now there was no kitchen or lunch to prepare for. I noticed there was a huge back area around the side of the escalators and somehow a bunch of people had got inside. They were sitting all separate from one another at these long cafeteria tables reading books or newspapers or magazines and I started shouting to get them to leave. “We haven’t opened up yet, how did you even get inside?”. Now we were librarians, and always had been. I distinctly remember coming down the escalator earlier in the dream before this now looking back and appreciating the emptiness though. In fact it’s that specific moment which has really stuck with me, it’s been four nights now and every night since before I go to bed some part of me is hoping to go back. It was a really comfy environment, and also it was nice to get to know this co-worker of mine better as well because I’m quite shy and reserved and I never speak much with any of them. I didn’t mention it before, but we also got to chat a bit in the dream and it was really nice. In a wholesome way as well, not ruined by the primordial urge. I’m not saying she’s not a pretty girl, but for whatever reason I’ve just never seen her in that way, which is why that whole weird bit with the bathroom freaked me out so much.

There’s not much purpose to this post, it’s admittedly aimless but so am I right now. It’s not a bad one though I don’t think, if you like what I do here this should be enjoyable. I haven’t had any real ideas of my own lately, but the stuff I talked about in the first half has been on my mind a lot. I almost didn’t write this entry at all, after the last entry which I thought was one of my better ones got no response for days I thought I had been totally abandoned. I still practically have, for just under two weeks I didn’t get a single person despite there being two new uploads in that period. I get it, most youtube channels I take interest in (the closest thing I have to compare with this blog) I also lose interest in after a short while and stop returning to. So I really do understand why people aren’t coming back anymore, I’m not entirely on my own yet but it seems inevitable now. I don’t want to stop though, and shit if having people read what I post is so important I can shill on r9k and pretty reliably get one or two anons to give me a read. That’s how I got this entire blog started, and also I linked my post about school shootings in a thread on a similar subject once and people seemed to appreciate it. I like having this little hobby, something to occupy my time when I’m not at work instead of just mindlessly refreshing the catalogue. The lonely journey is preferable to returning back to stagnation.

The still beating heart

We have these /comfy/ threads on /r9k/, I’m sure most of you already know what I’m talking about. To the one or two who don’t though, essentially people will post art, photos, music, and tell little anecdotes that in one way or another have this common feeling of “comfy” linking them all together. Of course the word comfy, or comfortable, is far older than 4chan but the way it is used makes the /comfy/ of 4chan a unique idea. It’s a little like this Danish word. See in Denmark they have this word hygge, and there doesn’t seem to be a direct translation to English but from what I’ve read it describes a general feeling of cosiness/ warmth gotten from certain activities. So, drinking a hot chocolate while it snows outside or sitting near a fire place and listening to the crackling sounds as it gets dark out. Apparently this is a large part of Danish culture, the best way of putting it that I heard was from this one guy Meik Wiking who said that “Hygge” is to Denmark what “Freedom” is to the US. Now I don’t know how true this is, after all this guy is trying to sell this hygge idea it might be entirely manufactured but it certainly illustrates the concept quite well. The word exists in other Scandinavian/ north Germanic languages or something very similar but it doesn’t have quite the same weight to it. So in Norway it’s just their way of saying cozy or homely, at least that’s what I’ve gathered, whereas in Denmark it’s this central idea. You could say there’s the lower case and the upper case hygge. Similarly you have “comfy” as it’s used by normal people every day and you have “Comfy” the romantic ideal.

Now the two aren’t synonyms, I’d actually say that /comfy/ is far larger in scope. See /comfy/ is a bit different for everyone. The different things people put in those threads reflect their own sense of it. Sure there’s a lot of overlap, in fact a lot of things that would be pretty hygge would also be /comfy/ for many anons. You see a lot of the same images reposted often, but there’s quite a lot of different kinds of things. Deckard’s apartment from Blade Runner, a group of anime girls living in a caravan, a photo of a cup of coffee near a window. Ambient music, or folk, or something that just has nostalgia value and most wouldn’t find /comfy/ at all. Some anons like an old timey aesthetic and others prefer a futuristic place to imagine themselves in, hobbit homes and personal space ships. Even though there’s quite a lot of variety, and almost everyone is going to find things in those threads that they don’t get or understand why someone considers them /comfy/, there’s an understanding that the feeling experienced is the same in substance. I’m not really too happy with my explanation, but the explanation isn’t the purpose of this entry it’s just some preliminary information. Hopefully you already know what it is I’m talking about. No, what I’m here to talk about is the only real through line I can identify that connects everything that /r9k/ might consider /comfy/. Yes, the term is used site wide and in fact even outside of 4chan nowadays as it’s kind of spread out like everything does, but it did originate there. I know the /adjective/ meme is a more general thing too, but I’m not here to talk about 4chan shit. Honestly the “culture” for lack of a better term there isn’t something you can give a quick rundown on you have to just live in it, that why the whole lurk more thing came about. I mean I first started visiting maybe late 2011 and I still would be considered a newfag. Of course even that whole new/ old thing is only half serious, it’s literally just a website where people post pictures and make the same stupid jokes over and over. I don’t want to get side tracked here, these recurring /comfy/ threads are what I’m talking about and the idea may have spread and become diluted or changed but it doesn’t matter because I’m not talking about those cases.

One huge thing though is the amount of artwork or oc that taps into the greater board mythology, I’m using the term loosely but it’s definitely something that exists. I mean you have these figures, and yes the more famous ones are not board exclusive or even site exclusive, but they are most developed on /r9k/. The thing is, pol9k is a real thing and that demographic (not the best term, but the best I can think of right now) absolutely dominates the site now. The radicalised virgin, the 2010s upgraded version of the 00s neckbeard caricature. Very few if any individuals embody all of the traits associated with such a character but as a collective all of them show up frequently. So of course a lot of what develops kind of organically on /r9k/ is spread out quickly because /pol/ is so huge now and there’s that overlap thanks to this demographic and gets picked up by normals. Maybe the most famous example is the virgin walk image which existed as a standalone joke that was posted for years. One day someone made some absurd response image to it, the chad stride, and now a couple years later you have some facebook boomers making “Virgin thing I don’t like, Chad thing I do like” memes who have only ever heard of the hacker known as 4chan through fox news segments. Anyway that’s just another tangent, my point is that I’m well aware that most of these characters (pepe, wojak, spurdo and the various variants that have become their own characters after a while) both existed before the current “culture” on the board had developed into what it is today or even before the board existed at all and exist beyond it. You don’t get stuff like pic related anywhere else though, do you?

Yes I know it’s an edit, the original was from the poopoopeepee days though and that whole situation was an earlier part of this board mythology I’m talking about anyway. In fact that whole thing was a response to the characters becoming adopted by so many normies, which further goes to show how these little cartoony beings are inextricably tied up with the place. It’s such a lovely little comic strip as well isn’t it, really warms the heart. You see, these various characters seem to me to form a pantheon, and much like the gods of ancient Hellas these characters show up all over the artwork of various creative robots. You couldn’t really create a serious canon from all of these drawings and things, with a continuous story or something like that, it’d be impossible. These characters just are, they exist in all these separate stories and none of them at the same time, just like the hundreds of poems and plays and works of classical art featuring the Olympians. This is ongoing and like I said earlier organic, I deliberately chose a more recent and kind of shoddy image for the main picture of the post to help show this. There’s stuff like it being made often and by all sorts of people. Well, all sorts of robot anyway. These characters have certain traits we all kind associate with each of them, and we know when one is being used over another what they’re trying to represent. These characters personify various aspects of ourselves, and can be used to create a feeling of sadness or melancholy, of joy, of anger, and most importantly of being /comfy/. The funny thing about the things that feature these characters though is this sense of friendship or being at ease around one another these characters all seem to have when two or more are put together. Even in the ones where they’re messing with one another, and sometimes those can get really fucking weird, there’s this sense that they’re still part of this great and unbreakable friendship or even familial bond. Which again I can’t help but see in parallel to not just the Greek pantheon but Norse mythology as well. See a lot of people think there was this codified story of the gods in these societies, and all the famous folk stories featuring them were believed to be true. Of course that’s a very materialist and modern way of seeing things, and it misses the whole point of these ancient mythologies and the characters they feature. No, there’s stories where they fight and die and betray one another and come together to deal with greater threats and there’s so much no one could possibly believe it all happened and in some kind of order. Some stories might even outright contradict others, but yes if you want to see how the gods of antiquity were used in stories and sagas you should think about how gondola or wojak or that retarded version of pepe are used.

It’s funny to me because this sense of there being a friendship or bond is almost exclusive to the art featuring these characters, in the /comfy/ threads I mean. Almost everything else posted, photos or artwork or music etc. feels very solitary in theme. Maybe this isn’t surprising at all, this is /r9k/ after all it’s filled with isolated and lonely young men, but remember these threads are meant to be about what we find comfort in. So it is interesting that it is often (admittedly very pretty) art of empty bedrooms, or isolated winter cabins, or small ships floating through space. Fuzzy lo-fi music, usually pretty melancholy, that brings to mind the idea of a summer stuck indoors. All tied together with the things that people in the thread talk about, how they’re getting /comfy/ themselves. Naturally because it’s a bunch of NEETs and hikkis or sometimes wageslaves who are still very shut in the rest of the time like myself finding this comfort in old video games and films, simple things enjoyed from home like a hot drink and most importantly these threads themselves. Both alone, and in good company. In the wizards tower with a nice heavy blanket, with the Palantir at hand. See, I first started thinking about this when I made that post a couple of weeks ago. Why I like to romanticise my situation, cut off from people and it’s not merely cope or an attempt to make it more bearable. It’s because, I actually in some sense quite like it. I mean I long for good company sometimes to be sure, but I also take solace in being away from people when things become too stressful. I think I mentioned this before here but I actually used to have a very romantic view of the hikikomori archetype when I was a lot younger and still not necessarily on the path to aligning with it so closely as I do today. It’s because I (and I think it’s fair to say you can extrapolate to a lot of other robots too) have always been drawn to similar figures. The wandering ronin, the chivalric knight-errant, the wizard cooped up in his tower on the mountain, the drifter afloat in space and of course as I’ve mentioned before the ascetic monk. It’s these kinds of characters, sometimes drawn as variations of the /r9k/ pantheon I was talking about earlier and sometimes just reposted pics found anywhere online, that are the second major kind of figure that appears in these threads. Often as well, there’ll just be empty rooms, or city streets with no people (or blurry silhouettes) and similar stuff too. I know it’s a stretch to say that the modern hikikomori (as an archetype, just like I said earlier about something else it’s rare you’ll find any person in the real world who embodies all associated traits) is the incarnation of what all those other figures are for the modern world, it’s just a loser who can’t get laid you may say. Maybe you’re right, but I see a connection there.

So I said that the only time you have depictions of a more social existence in these threads is when the frogs and cancer patients etc. are used but that’s not entirely true. There are also occasionally pictures of children, there’s two images which I can think of right now. One is this drawing of a bunch of Japanese schoolkids doing some kind of project near a big window during what looks like a summer break, the other is of three or maybe four boys playing on an N64 in their pyjamas. I think it’s clear why this is, it’s a case of looking back on childhood with rose tinted glasses. I’m absolutely guilty of this, I’ve made several posts on here in which I’ve done it. When I think of friendship, I think of being a child. Why wouldn’t I, it was when I was a child that I actually had friends. Well, up until my mid teens anyway. Of course I still have friends now, a few anyway although I had many more when I was little, but we see each other at best a few times a year. Clustered around the summer as well, so most of the year I don’t see anyone. The only real group of people with whom I can engage in friendly activities with, laughing about stupid jokes, arguing about anything from politics to art, sharing feels both positive and negative, is /r9k/. Who, that’s right, are best represented by this pantheon I guess I’m calling it now. Again, I think I’ve spent enough time with the robots to say that a lot of them are very similar to me in some fundamental ways, and therefore it’s fair for me to extrapolate my way of seeing things onto them I think. So I think that this is why it’s those characters or children who are necessary stand ins in order for most robots to see any kind of social gathering as /comfy/. A lot of normalfags might see a pub or bar with “interesting” strangers to talk to as comfy, but to any robot such a place would be the exact opposite. Because these threads represent /r9k/, and not only that but they get at the fundamental robot truth more than any other. The only other recurring thread I can think off that comes close would be those Frog and Feels threads but they seem to have stopped or at least become way less common over the last couple years. You can’t help but see these /comfy/ threads as basically the church, or temple, of the board when you think this way. The place where the soul resides.

Flailing

There’s this weird thing I’ve noticed and it seems so fucking clear to me but yet I can’t recall anyone actually trying to stop these people talking past one another. I’m talking about the whole “Born this way” slogan that the “community” of homosexuals and associated degenerates so often tout. I don’t hear it so often now, but even half a decade ago it was still fairly common. In response the right wingers who oppose this crap (the Christian-right types, the furthest right wing you can get while remaining in the overton window) will of course disagree and pandemonium ensues. Well, only sometimes but it certainly pisses the homos off a great deal every time. “My sexuality is not a choice” and similar things are chanted and everyone claps for the poor put-upon gay people. The thing is though, not only is homosexuality almost certainly not simply a hereditary trait, the people disagreeing with the whole “born this way” meme aren’t talking about homosexuality as being attracted to men. I don’t know a great deal about this to be fair but from what I understand the current scientific consensus is that it’s definitely not exclusively a genetic thing like eye colour or some shit. It may be partially genetic but also require certain circumstances in order for the trait to express itself, I’ve got to be really careful here because I’m completely scientifically illiterate and don’t know what I’m talking about. Also I’m not here to talk about whether being gay is inherited or not in fact my whole point is really that it doesn’t matter.

Circling back, the Christian-right moralists aren’t talking about homosexuality as being attracted to men but rather the choice to act upon that desire. I mean come on plenty of them are attracted to men themselves, the irl meme of the militant homophobe who turns out to be into all kinds of gay shit in his off time does exist for a reason. Rather they are talking about exercising restraint. Homosexuality is an entirely lustful affair, anything other than the missionary position with the lights off for the sole purpose of recreation is really, but if you view it as a spectrum these two are at the complete opposite ends. People trying to argue against anti-gay Christians will often bring up that famous Leviticus passage and say something like “you know in the same book it also says eating shellfish is degenerate too so why don’t you care about the seafood problem?”. Haha, gottem! The thing is that passage doesn’t matter, I think it’s meant to be a quote from a set of laws at the time rather than a commandment for people reading the book to follow even, of course nu-atheists being complete materialists assume everyone else is like them and so argue only against literalist and fundamentalist idiots who are just as much a cancer as them. The real and deep issue that any true Christian has with homosexuality (again that being the act not the desire) is because of something not even in the bible. The seven deadly sins, of course each of them is talked about many times throughout the book but famously the cardinal sins as an official list is something put together later by the catholic church, and of course you find similar things in traditions the world over. After all what are the capital sins? They are an argument for restraint, to resist your baser instincts. You could say, although wording it like this is kind of teasing, that homosexuality is the purest form of lust.

Now for me personally I’ve only very recently given any thought to homosexuality or sexual deviancy. Not just because of the “live and let live” culture I was raised in although that played a large part but also because I just don’t really want to be someone judgemental or imposing. Nowadays I’ve been convinced of the stupidity and naivety of statements like “the government should stay out of the bedroom” and similar empty platitudes. In fact any position of any kind that can be boiled down to a snappy statement like that is suspect to me now. I don’t know what I think about what should or shouldn’t be done about this issue in the real world all I can say is that this misunderstanding has to be solved. See there’s this implicit assumption in the “being gay isn’t a choice” argument that because you’re attracted to men you absolutely have to act upon it. The idea of restraint or god forbid abstinence as a virtue just doesn’t exist, at least here in the greater popular culture in Britain and seemingly the rest of the anglosphere. I really find it hard to talk about these subjects because there’s a very easy point someone could make and I’m not even sure myself if it’s not partly true. They could say that I’m just a bitter incel who’s angry about not getting laid and just lashing out at people who can. The thing is though, even if that is correct to a degree and a part of my unconscious force affecting my thoughts I still believe completely what I say. I can say with a straight face that me being a loser isn’t a conscious motivation for me espousing the ideas I do. Anyway, it’s not like I talk about this kind of thing often at all. This is really the first post on this blog talking about my reactionary viewpoint and I’m not planning on making this a regular thing. Honestly I’ve just not written anything at all for like a week and trying to rush to get something new up tonight and this was on my mind today. This is the kind of position on things I hold as well, and I wanted to remind anyone who might have forgotten or just didn’t know.

I don’t have a list of points I wanted to talk about or even just an end point in mind, and whenever I don’t it always makes finishing a post difficult. I think my personal take on this ties in with the idea I’ve been talking about a lot on this blog. This conflict between instinct and the innate feeling that such behaviour is somehow wrong. People are able to engage in activities that not only aren’t merely for the purpose of survival and reproduction but may even be in opposition to it, art and suicide. The pleasurable release of chemicals into the brain we get from eating nice food, from winning a competition, and from orgasm seem to me to show that clearly people need more motivation than merely the result as motivation. Resisting such gratification, such temptation is something that has been held up as virtuous all over the world across cultures forever. Maybe I’m just stating the obvious, maybe my explanation and view on this is completely shallow. I don’t know what to think, and I don’t know what to write. This is something I can’t help but keep returning to in my thoughts at the moment, but I don’t actually think about it very deeply now I look back. Maybe this isn’t an idea that doesn’t go very deep, after all I believe it to be this universal thing. I need to take my mind off of this for a while, and I need to start writing longer posts again. I’ve been reading back over everything I’ve uploaded here today, and I feel like the quality is getting worse not better. I mean some of my favourite entries were right at the very start, and while the first time I went into this recent obsession of mine I think I made a really good post since then it’s been downhill. I may upload less often for a bit, but I’m not going anywhere.