Month: Oct 2018

Trust no one, not even the incels

Often at work people will ask me to charge their phone, it’s even quite common for them to carry their own charger around with them now so they only need an empty plug socket and I most of the time will do it for them. I’ll plug it in behind the counter somewhere and then they’ll come back in just before their bus arrives or after they’re done looking around and collect it. Most weeks I’ll get asked at least once, but the last time I was at the busier shop I had two people ask me at the same time. Or, slightly apart but both had to be charging next to one another for a little while. Describing these two reminds me of that couple I talked about quite a while back in that it’s almost cartoonish how these people live up to what is supposedly just the deluded worldview of the incels. First a woman maybe in her early 20s but could pass for early 30s, overweight and with a comical amount of make-up for a sunday afternoon. Of course she had a shit attitude, even her tone when asking me to charge the phone had an undercurrent of entitlement. Sure she was asking, but it felt like she was just going through with a formality and the idea of me saying no wasn’t even a possibility in her mind. I did think about saying no just to see how she’d react but I felt it’d be petty of me when I almost always say yes to other people who ask. Also having her around means she’s more likely to buy something, and other customers are more likely to come in. It’s an interesting thing I’ve noticed actually, how the shop can be dead for ages (sometimes for nearly half an hour) and then as soon as one person is there other people become interested. The way heads turn, sometimes people who’ve been outside paying no attention for some time, like hyenas is quite amusing to me. Anyway, second was a man of similar age maybe, now he was not a “Chad” but still someone I’d imagine is quite attractive to women. Trendy haircut, trendy fast fashion getup, handsome, not scrawny or chubby, etc. He came in a little after her, asked like he was expecting me to say no and seemed grateful when I didn’t.

I suppose you can already tell where this story is going. Her phone was lighting up and buzzing every couple minutes, and his phone didn’t go off once. It wasn’t off or on silent, because when I took the plug out to hand it back to him and the screen lit up I looked and the icon wasn’t there at the top. I know that’s fucking weird, and it gets worse because I also looked at her messages or at least the snippet that shows on the screen if you don’t press to see the full thing. I don’t remember what any of it was about, I didn’t see enough to, but I know it was various people messaging her. There were several names, both male and female. Now how is one supposed to react to admittedly anecdotal evidence that falls in line with their worldview so neatly? I’m certainly not going to be inclined to take these ideas (in this case, the whole “easy mode” meme) less seriously after this, and it’s hard to just disregard it even though supposedly that’s the rational thing to do because anecdotal evidence is meaningless right.. At least according to pseuds and contrarians, but pseuds and contrarians do get a bad rap and I think are a lot more valuable than they get credit for so who knows. I will say that confirmation bias, especially when it comes to people who talk about these kinds of things, is a real issue. An issue I don’t want to contribute to, especially as this whole blog does kind of a have a “we want the incel audience” vibe to it. I promise, it’s only partially intentional. So I need to be careful, but I have to say there’s no way I will be able to stop this incident from affecting my view on things. I need to be careful with this entry as well, it’s easy when you’re used to talking about this kind of thing with the sort of people on /r9k/ to forget that not everyone is up to date with the latest internet loser slang.

The thing is, the “ideology” of the incels is uncodified and is also only a splinter of a far far FAR larger ideaspace or subculture anyway. That’s why after literally thousands of articles, youtube videos, news segments or whatever no one actually understands anything at all about any of this shit. Not even the actual fucking incels themselves. Incels are something new because the term has recently become famous, even though I remember it being thrown around in 2014 on /r9k/. There was even a tripfag IncelManlet around that time but he just disappeared one day, press F to pay respects. Incels are a movement, they want to KILL people, and they all share a uniform set of ideas. Incel is just a term for a guy who can’t get laid but would like to, see anecdotal evidence above for why women can’t be incels (or robots, or losers, or nerds, or geeks, or dorks or etc etc forever) ;D. Not in spite of the fact that most of those guys would love for there to be, because of it. Another anecdote to illustrate what I’m talking about perhaps. This friend of mine I’ve mentioned before, we were chatting around the time of the Toronto van attack when the term incel was getting mainstream news coverage about the subject and at some point I said something like “you know I’m an incel right” because I didn’t like the mean spiritedness in his voice while having this conversation. Then there was some surprise, I’m surprised by his surprise because he knows I’m still a virgin and he knows I’m not asexual, and it ends with him saying I’m actually not an incel. Ask people on the internet who self identify as incels on places like /r9k/ or incels.me and they’ll give my definition in most cases (but not all, because there is no codified ideology of incelism it’s really just a collection of a certain type of guy within the larger internet “red pill” scene), which is what I stated above someone who can’t get laid. It’s the most straightforward term ever, celibate involuntarily.

I’m not quite sure what my goal is here, I don’t really have a plan but basically I’ve had a view of this world since around the age of 14 and I feel like a lot of people miss the forest for the trees because they not only pay attention just to the few times this world is brought into contact with our own but also because those who do try to understand it are overwhelmed. They’re overwhelmed by the numerous slang terms and codewords which are always evolving, and they’re overwhelmed by conversations which rely on assumptions and the results of earlier conversations the outsider wasn’t able to experience. You’ve probably heard the expression “start with the greeks” if you’ve asked anyone about reading philosophy. The idea is that you can’t just dip into the works of a more trendy philosopher like Nietzsche or Descartes, because you’d be missing the context of a several thousand year conversation which these works are a continuation of. I’m not comparing the at absolute best two decade long red pill “discussion”, of which early PUAs like Roosh would be the greeks if we stick with the metaphor, to the canon of western philosophy (although plenty of autists would, and there is certainly a large contingent in this red pill world who would jack off the concept of western philosophy despite being the exact types who would be told to start with the greeks) but the metaphor works I think to explain why this world is so impenetrable to normies. You scratch just a little and the whole comparison falls apart, it’s the greatest minds of the aristocracy going over things for generations and a bunch of lower middle class and working class 20-somethings arguing over tiny details while generally agreeing on the same worldview. Apples and oranges, but both are fruit.

That’s what the discussion is, if we go back to this idea of a separate world then incels and pick up artists and MRAs and neoreactionaries and MGTOW and the Alt Right ad infinitum are all various nations and civilisations of this world. Sure, history is nothing but bloodshed and warfare but there are a lot of shared premises. Instead of agriculture, social class, a legal system or warfare you have the 80/20 rule or hypergamy, the sexual marketplace (and the fundamentally different and fixed roles of men and women in that), a rejection of the current social and political order, evolutionary psychology and probably more that I can’t think of off the top of my head. There might be some groups within this world that reject one of these while still following the rest, just like the Russian empire 2.0 (USSR) supposedly holding the goal of achieving a classless society or various hunter gatherer tribes and peoples like the Scythians or the Comanche that weren’t agricultural. It’s a case of being able to break the rules after you understand them. It’s kind of a weak metaphor, but I like to explain things this way because it’s how I think. There are patterns all over the place and I think when people are made aware of these shared patterns they better understand what it is that’s important to focus on, or at least what you want them to focus on. Of course if you stick with thing, there are certain “cultural areas” within both this world and the real world. Certain regions of the world where empires have risen and fallen clearly are more close to one another than groups on opposite sides of the planet who had minimal on no contact. Just how you can see a huge influence from Rome in everything that came after in Europe from Byzantium to the British Empire, or how Buddhism spread to cover quite a distance on both sides of the Himalayas, certain groups are much closer to one another in similarity while others might consider themselves so different people associated with them would be angry about me grouping them all together like this. There clearly is a link between it all though, and I think I’ve finally found a way to explain it so I’m not going to just let it go. I’m aware of the term “manosphere” but I think it’s not broad enough, I’d say the manosphere is like one of those cultural areas in this imaginary world that quite a few groups some of whom are still going strong and others that have completely dispersed are covered by. Think of it like you think of the idea of “The West” when looking at European history. The more I think about this world metaphor the more ways I find it to be applicable actually. Sticking with this idea, just like all civilisations have heroes and leaders most groups in this online world have a few e-celebs associated with them. There are also of course e-celebs in this sphere who aren’t directly associated with specific groups, just like there are heroic figures claimed by multiple nations and peoples. These people are who come to mind immediately if you talk about one of these groups. Most of them are pretty shit individuals so I’m not gonna talk about them, but you probably know or have at least heard of a lot of them.

I think the most helpful thing of all about looking at things this way though, is that I finally might understand my place in all of this after around half a decade. I’ve been heavily exposed to the shared ideas of this “world” and can certainly say I’m part of it but yet I always hesitate to say I’m a part of any of these groups. /r9k/ and the robots are the only group I’ve really stuck with and feel some connection to, but I’ve taken several long breaks from visiting the board once even leaving for over a year. I’ve always just enjoyed looking at the larger picture, which is why I’ve always seen this larger world/ visualised it that way (although only the last couple days have I been fully conscious of it), and so I’ve drifted around and seen things come and go. Anyone else remember true forced loneliness or “neomasculinity”? I’m just a rootless drifter, a people watcher, enjoying watching things play out without my direct involvement. I stick around for a while, and sometimes naturally I get a little too invested like during my /pol/ phase (gazing too long into an abyss..) but I always move on because there’s one thing that separates me from all the other people like me who inhabit this desolate world. I’m too self critical, no matter what that niggling voice is there telling me I’m probably full of shit. I can’t trust a single thought that goes through my head, I can never comfortably make an objective statement. That goes for this blog too, of course. It might all be complete nonsense, just the ramblings of a neurotic mess, you shouldn’t trust a word. This world is like the collective unconscious of young men the world over, and naturally it evolves as the population increases and the backgrounds become more varied. That’s what I mean when I talk about my worldview, the zeitgeist of this other world.

I read Herodotus’ The Histories about a year ago and what I liked about it so much is it was less of a history book and more like a travel guide for the ancient near east. Herodotus was able to explore this world in a time not only of constant change but where anywhere even only a thousand miles from home was completely mysterious. I suppose he had a better understanding than most of the “rules” or prerequisites of civilisation but he was more apart from any specific one than most also. I’m not planning on writing extensively about this stuff, although naturally this blog inhabits this world because my thoughts are influenced by it no matter what. So going back to the unintentional catalyst for this entry (because when I started writing a couple days ago I planned to go in a completely different direction), what does it matter? I’m sure most people like me would just shrug it off as expected, but that’s why they’re also not quite me because I’m always a bit thrown off when something conforms to my worldview. I’m always expecting something around the corner to make me question myself all over again. There have been plenty of times where that has happened, and yet I still consider myself part of this “world”. If the opposite had happened and the guy’s phone was blowing up with messages I’d still be here, but let’s be honest that wouldn’t have happened… because it didn’t happen.

 

23/10/2018

Another band who’s music I quite enjoy is Radiohead, in fact I first started listening to them after that night with my friend which I mentioned before where we started to speak more regularly again. Like I said we were just playing each other what stuff we’d been listening to and he put on Daydreaming at some point (a song from their most recent album which had just come out) and it made me give them a second try which I’m really glad about. See I was aware of them before that but I’d kinda just written them off as another generic 90s alt-rock group. This friend of mine had been a fan since the time we were 14/15 and we were both into similar stuff like that (Nirvana, Meat Puppets, etc) but I’d just found the Creep/ The Bends era Radiohead which was all I knew them for not my thing. So after hearing that track I ended up exploring the stuff they made after those first two albums and had a great time, in fact I even have come to appreciate The Bends a bit more as you can hear the early stages of their evolution in that record.

That’s what I’m going to talk about briefly, a song on that album called My Iron Lung. So of course almost everyone has heard the song Creep which was the lead single for Pablo Honey their debut album, and the overnight success of that single in the US made international stars out of the band. My Iron Lung is a song about that song, and about the effect it had on their lives. In one sense it was incredibly liberating, they were able to become full time musicians and easily make a living performing and yet it also kind of kept them in a creative box. Their record label of course was pushing them to manufacture another hit just like it and the screaming fans at performances seemed to want to hear nothing else. It almost certainly would have been very constricting, but yet they were “living the dream” in a way as well so it’s not something you want to complain about without appearing totally obnoxious. See the song is named after an old mechanical respiratory device which from what I understand is a sort of metal coffin you lie in and it allows you to remain alive after losing muscle control in your throat and chest, but you can’t leave. The machine saves your life while also taking away your freedom completely. I’m sure you can see the point they were trying to make, and it’s a really great way I think of expressing their feelings without seeming ungrateful. It’s this metaphor I’m really here to talk about today, not actually the band or even the specific song. Sure I’m doing that series on The Cure but generally speaking this isn’t a music blog and that’s not something I’d want to do or be capable of doing well.

Anyway I think I have a situation that is somewhat similar in spirit to the one that inspired My Iron Lung, and for a long time I was also unsure how to bring it up or talk about it for fear of seeming ungrateful. When me and my mother moved to the current place I live, she decided to agree to a shared ownership program. Essentially they’re a scheme wherein you purchase part of a property outright (in this case 40%) and then rent the rest with the option to buy more in future if you wish. So in late 2006 when we moved here that was probably a fantastic option, instead of buying a place outright that wasn’t as nice we got to live here and still have some savings left over as well as the at the time likely seeming option of buying the place completely one day. After she passed away I inherited the 40% of the flat (apartment), and of course people were quick to tell me how lucky I am to be on the property ladder at such a young age. This city is one of the most expensive places to live in the world and the value of the property has gone up significantly since I moved here, also I only have to pay rent for 60% which is a lot easier to manage. I am very fortunate I understand that, but just like the iron lung I am restricted also. In the most literal sense, I can’t ever really leave for more than a month or so because how will I pay the rent. I can’t just not pay and get kicked out like someone just renting normally because I’d lose the place. There are still rules that the housing association who own the other 60% make me stick to you see, and they can take it all away. This includes letting it out to other people, so it has to be me living here and paying the rent. I can’t just Airbnb it or something like that like some people do with their home when going on long trips away. Going back to the increase in the value, as well as the fact that I am earning of course far less as a 21 year old drop out than my mother was in her 40s and in a long term career, the idea of me ever buying the other 60% is laughable now. Right now I pay for all the food, and some of the rent while my dad pays the rest with his goverment gibsmedats. He hasn’t worked once since moving in with me, but before when I was still in education the benefits were enough to cover all the rent and food. I find it beyond humiliating having to survive on government handouts at all though, and if I were here alone I could afford to get by without them.

I don’t have much I want in life, but I do want to travel. I know it’s the most normie thing ever, you can just picture the legions of Eat Pray Love whores when anyone mentions how they’d just love to go travelling and see the world/ experience new cultures etc. but there are some places and things I’ve wanted to see since a young age and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still. I could talk about that some more in another post perhaps, but the thing is it just seems quite unlikely. I have this admittedly unrealistic idea of a several months long trip covering the various places I’m most interested in visiting, but that’s basically impossible with my current living situation. It’s not a huge deal, the idea is kind of a pipe dream anyway, but it’s a good example of how this somewhat peculiar arrangement I find myself in restricts me. Of course I also would need to get my two friends to somehow agree to and find the time for such a trip, which seems very unlikely. I’m not sure what I’m doing, I felt like there would be more to talk about on this subject but I realise now how boring this all is. I’m just not sure what to write, but I want to try and stick to having a couple new entries a week and I did think this was something that was kind of important about my life but I see now it can pretty much be summed up in a couple paragraphs. It’s also been on my mind lately, because the idea of my dad leaving and me being here completely in charge of everything is becoming more and more real.

I suppose I said I was going to treat this blog like a diary/journal in part, so I guess this’ll be just a general entry. So what else has happened lately? I finished Space Dandy, which was a great show especially the last few episodes. I’ve started listening to the History of Rome podcast, I got about 100 episodes in just over a year ago but gave up. Listening to it at work in the quieter hours is pretty comfy, and even though I’ve heard all the stuff so far before I’m still enjoying it probably more so than last time. I ordered some spores and a grow kit in order to grow psilocybin mushrooms, and that arrived yesterday. Supposedly in a week or so the mycelium will be ready and I can start the main process, maybe when it’s all done and if I’m able to successfully complete the process I’ll do a whole post on that. See I’m trying to think of ideas now because I want to keep posting regularly, but I’m just not that interesting so I’m not sure what to do. I could slow down and maybe just have one scheduled entry a week, and if for whatever reason inspiration hits me occasionally more. I just don’t want to suddenly go from two or three a week to a huge gap, and lose the few of you who read these regularly. I know some days from the stats page that people will visit and see nothing new and eventually that’s going to get tiresome. I’ve been thinking the last few days and I really think that my second most recent post “Living up to my shitty blog title” is the best thing I’ve uploaded on here so far but the fevered mental state that inspired it isn’t something I go through that often. I think that a general rule of one post at the minimum a week is something I can hold myself to, I hope this isn’t disappointing. At least that way there’ll be more of that and less of the crappy ones like today. Is there anything else, I can talk about..? Music I guess, what I’ve been listening to lately. I really liked the album Tears Of Mortal Solitude by Forest Stream which was like gothic/ black metal, I’ll definitely give it another go and try their other album. Also I’ve been listening to Dead Meadow’s self titled debut a lot, which is really good. I actually first heard of them because a customer recommended I give them a try, and I really appreciate it. I listened to the rest of the Cure albums that I haven’t covered in my series yet as well, as a reminder. Disintegration is as fantastic as I remember, and Wild Mood Swings is actually growing on me surprisingly. I was recommended by the spotify algorithm this post punk band called All Your Sisters and both their records that are on there have been in my regular rotation while walking to and from work the last few weeks, they remind me of The Soft Moon who you should definitely listen to if you’re into that kind of thing. Speaking of Radiohead as well, Amnesiac is quickly becoming my favourite album of theirs which is funny because for a long while I really didn’t enjoy it. People say Kid A is a very wintery album, and I think Amnesiac in contrast has a very autumnal feel which might be why I’m enjoying it so much lately.

My favourite band: Part 2

So I’ll just continue where I left off last time, maybe I’ll get this all finished here and maybe I’ll need a third part. If the scroll bar gets smaller than the width of my thumb I think it can be a bit much. Then again, I am the idiot who thinks that maybe one day some people will be willing to read all of these. That’s not what I’m here to talk about today though. After Pornography it seemed like everything was over. The band hadn’t officially disbanded, but one of the three members that were still around by the time Pornography was being recorded left and so it was just Robert Smith and Lol Tolhurst who I think mostly played the drums and sometimes the keyboard at that point. Then they decided to take some time away from recording or performing for a while, and it probably felt at the time like The Cure was finished. Then after some months, out of nowhere and sounding nothing like before The Cure came out with a new single, Let’s Go To Bed. The first of several that would be released over the following couple years. It starts off sounding almost like a song from a children’s tv show, like one of the sesame street songs or something. It’s really bouncy and there’s this “doot doot doot” noise that sounds like a toy horn or something and then Robert’s voice comes in alongside humming “doot doot doot” to match it. Then after about a minute in this jangly guitar playing starts, and the vocals seem a little less playful for a bit before slipping back into that same jovial feeling and back and forth until the end. This is the first track on the Japanese Whispers compilation album, which collects all the standalone singles released in the period between Pornography and the next full studio LP along with some of their b-sides. If you’re going through their discography in chronological order this album, and Let’s Go To Bed specifically as the first track you hear, will stand out as a total change of direction immediately. I would absolutely consider this to be a crucial part of their discography and worth listening to along with their albums, unlike the other singles compilations Staring At The Sea and Greatest Hits because JW is much more consistent and focused on a short three year period. None of the tracks on it were on another album like most of the ones from the other compilations either. There have been other standalone singles from The Cure and they’re definitely worth listening to, Charlotte Sometimes is probably in my top five songs from the band, but you can just check them out any time.

There is an undercurrent of melancholy still present even here though, for example the second track The Dream which is supposedly about a miscarriage. The song starts with these weird noises, like a chorus of kittens yelping and mewing and a synthy sound in the background. The vocals are a little more gloomy than the last track but it still sounds like Robert is having fun on here. The drums on this song are also really unique, they feel almost spongy if that makes sense. It’s quite a weird one, next up is the closest sounding to their previous stuff. Just One Kiss almost sounds to me like it could have been originally something intended for Pornography but reworked quite a lot. The drums are heavier like on there, but yet for whatever reason instead of sounding completely oppressive there’s this hopefulness. Not just from the drums, I get that feeling from the song as a whole, it’s like they tweaked all the most important elements of Pornography just enough to completely change the vibe but yet keep a very similar sound. Even the lyrics are very similar in style “somebody died for this… somebody died” Robert moans at you but then “for just one kiss” and the whole mood is relaxed a little. I don’t need to go over every song on here, that’s what ended up bogging me down so much last time. There is a general theme you get from this project, the tracks are mostly pretty similar in tone. Some are more synth based or guitar based etc. There’s weird little things like the kittens and this twinkling that shows up a lot and The Walk has this oriental sound to it. It’s like the band rediscovering a love for music and experimenting with ideas and just having fun again. I said with Pornography that it was not for background listening, well this is the exact opposite, it’s perfect to have on when you’re not doing anything serious and want to keep the mood light. I actually listen to this one a lot in the evening when I want to keep positive and get /comfy/. I don’t really have any memories associated with any of the songs on here, maybe La Ment because it was one of those few songs I was listening to a lot in that early period when I first discovered the band so I associate it with that time. The miserable goth rock icon had been replaced by a weird parody of the pop stars of the era.

So after a few years of just releasing occasional singles but mostly not doing anything with the band it was time to get back and work on something new. Not to say that the members and former members weren’t doing other things. Smith for example had recorded a psychedelic collab album with a different group called The Glove which is actually really cool (Blue Sunshine it’s called if you want to check it out) and also been touring as a temporary member of Siouxsie and The Banshees and was on a few tracks on their album Hyaena. Anyway, on The Top they decided that it was time to get even weirder. Clearly heavily influenced by the psych pop he’d been around and involved in a lot, some of the songs on here were even considered for being on Blue Sunshine instead, this album feels like a trip. In both senses actually, because a few of the songs have sounds influenced by different styles of music from around the world. Bird Mad Girl and The Caterpillar both have a very mediterranean feel, The Wailing Wall naturally has a middle eastern vibe (so does the cover art for the album I think, the font seems inspired by Arabic lettering) and The Empty World sounds inspired by the military parades from any one of the small tin-pot dictatorships of south america. I can definitely understand why a lot of people don’t like this album, it was critically panned at the time from what I understand, but I think that it’s quite unique in The Cure’s catalogue and it’s probably the most wacky album they ever put out. It takes a lot of the ideas and sounds they’d been experimenting with up until this point and makes something that is tonally the complete opposite in one sense from what came before. The gruesome/ violent imagery in the lyrics is there, but with Robert’s delivery (changing pitch mid sentence, yelping and shouting and laughing maniacally, etc.) and the music it accompanies being so different the entire effect is different. You have the guitar being played very much like it was on the opener to Pornography, in that spiralling kind of way, on a few tracks. I really think that if you haven’t given it a go yet you should check this out. I didn’t listen to it for quite a while, only after one of the customers at work heard me listening to the band and recommended it did I get around to it. It’s not something I listen to often, because it requires a specific mood and if you’re not in that headspace it just feels abrasive and irritating but when it’s the right moment it’s a really good time.

After The Top came The Head On The Door, and I’ll be honest I don’t really like it that much. It’s grown on me but it’s just kind of… unimpressive, at least compared to what they’d been doing up until this point. Supposedly the goal was for the album to be like an anthology with each track being it’s own separate thing rather than there being a more overarching theme to the album. The opening track Inbetween Days sets the mood very well, it’s like the chart pop singles of the day, with “catchiness” being a deliberate goal going into this project. Robert even said this himself in interviews around the time of the release. He also said that this was the first Cure album made without the assistance of frequent drug use. The weirdness still comes out at times, for example The Blood which is like a slightly cleaned up version of a song that could have appeared on The Top and Six Different Ways which was apparently inspired by a conversation the band had about how many ways there are to skin a cat. I still enjoy the songs that sound like they were made with the charts in mind like Push, the intro and of course A Night Like This too. Listening back to this after not hearing it in quite a while was really enjoyable, but it’s just one of their less creative albums I feel like. The anthology idea is interesting, but I think it’s executed way better on the album Kaleidoscope by Siouxsie and the Banshees which was where Robert got the idea. A lot of the music and ideas for the band Robert had seem to be influenced by them actually, but while usually I find it to be an improvement in this case not so much.

Going back to A Night Like This though, I do have another fond memory associated with it which is why it’s a highlight on the album for me as I get to relive that a little. Again it was before I had heard the full album. During my training for the job I have now, I had to stay quite late for one of the practise shifts. I wasn’t alone of course, there training me was this Polish woman who was maybe 10 years or so older than me. She actually left very soon after I started, I think I was her replacement. Anyway she seemed to actually give a shit about me, which was odd. Not because of anything about me it was like she was this way with everyone, like an actual nice person. I mean it’s not like most people aren’t friendly, and some even have done things to help me before, but she was just warm and in a way maternal. I felt like a child when around her, I never was really attracted to her or saw her in that way even though she was objectively speaking quite pretty. I remember at one point I accidentally touched this hot sandwich maker in the back and she seemed really concerned and grabbed my hand to put it under cold water like you would with a little kid. It probably says a lot about me that this and all the other little things like it were something I liked so much. I won’t deny that I’m kind of developmentally stunted and probably looking for a mother figure. Being complimented various times, her making a real effort to get me to talk and be comfortable, bringing a warmer jacket for me because I had been cold on another evening shift there, her not seeming uncomfortable holding my arm or standing right near me, etc. all were appreciated. After about half a year of being pretty isolated and basically living like a complete hikikomori NEET having someone like this around was really helpful. Like I said she seemed to be like this just generally, I remember her fussing over one of the other girls who worked at the shop checking she was ok because apparently she had been ill just before I started my training. She helped make that transition from a NEET to having a job way way easier than it could have been and I really appreciate it. It’s also nice that I was able to have a genuinely positive acquaintanceship with a woman (even if only for a few weeks) that wasn’t tainted by me becoming attracted to her or developing some kind of romantic feelings like has happened with my various oneitises over the years. Sure I get along with my other female co-workers and manager and I’m not interested in them like that (other than the ones I’ve mentioned in previous posts obviously) but with them interactions are always pretty awkward. I feel like I make them uncomfortable like I do with almost everyone on this fucking planet, and even if I’m just imagining it I’m not imagining how they make me uncomfortable. I spent way too long on background information though, the memory itself is actually very quick to explain. It was one of my last training shifts with her, I had to stay really late until way after dark and I just remember getting home and listening to that song because I’d been enjoying it a lot already around that time and feeling like I was finally out of this prison I’d been in for the last half a year before that. Sure I might sometimes miss those NEET days when I’m halfway through a long week there but overall my life has improved noticeably since getting this job. I have more money to waste on things, I’m not completely isolated anymore and she helped me with that more than anyone else ever did. I wish more people were like her, life would be immeasurably easier for people like me. So now whenever I hear that song it takes me back to that period of time when I was doing my training, a time which I will always remember very fondly.

Anyway, back to talking about the band and not myself. Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me is in my opinion another fantastic record. Being a double album it’s quite a lot longer than any of the other releases up to and after this point. I’ve listened to it a lot though, maybe almost as much as Seventeen Seconds and Disintegration which are the two that probably would be what I’d have to choose between if asked my favourite. If asked to describe this album quickly, I suppose I’d just give the name of one of my favourite songs on here Hot Hot Hot!!! It’s not just because of the fiery oranges and reds on the album art either, listening to this that’s how it feels. It’s the most energetic and vibrant they’ve ever sounded. They managed to take the intensity of Pornography, the psychedelic and hazy atmosphere of The Top and melt everything together in a pot to get something still as catchy and mainstream friendly as The Head On The Door. I really do mean “they” as well here. From interviews and articles it really seems like unlike The Top, which was all but a Robert Smith solo record, all five members of the band at the time contributed significantly to the project. This album might seem long, but there was just as much music that never got included and settling on the final 18 songs was difficult enough in order to make everyone feel included I imagine. This isn’t really anything to do with the album either by the way, but something that certainly added to that theme of heat and fire was that I was playing Dark Souls 2 and more specifically getting through Iron Keep the day I first heard this album in full. They go really well together, I get this feeling of moving steel contraptions and steam rising around me when I hear this album right from the intro now thanks to the association.

Anyway, I’ll get onto talking about some of my highlights from the record. Torture bursts out at you immediately with it’s aggressive drums and has this really cool bassline right the way through that keeps the energy up, and then towards the end these horns come in which ramp things up even more. How Beautiful You Are with what I think is a violin solo mid way through is another great one, the song itself is about a couple who encounter an impoverished man and his two children. The man looks at the woman and sees instead of sadness or empathy in her eyes a look of disgust, and in that moment realises she isn’t his soulmate but he was projecting who he wanted her to be or something like that. It’s kind of like what I was talking about in one of my earliest posts here isn’t it? It also serves as a perfect example of why I like this band’s music so much, there’s always this undercurrent of melancholy even when they’re at their most upbeat. Often even when I’m having a great time, meeting my friends and we’re laughing away all night or shitposting with the anons on /r9k/ and having a blast, I’ll get these occasional brief moments where I’m reminded that it’s only temporary and the gloom is just over the horizon waiting again. This experience is capture so well by The Cure, even if unintentionally. The Snakepit is this 6 minute long mostly instrumental mood piece near the middle of the album that slows the pace down briefly, yet still it has a lot of similar sounds. All I Want again is another track that’s just full of life, which is what makes this album so special in comparison to either their gloomy earlier stuff or their more standard chart pop like HOTD. This track has the sound that best represents the entire record, you can listen to this song and have a general idea of what the entire thing is like. Well, either that or Hot Hot Hot!!! which I already mentioned before. Another fantastically high energy song with a perfectly fitting title. You get real Fear And Loathing vibes, it feels like driving through the Nevada desert in a red convertible under the midday sun. The closing track Fight is another favourite of mine on here, ending the album with a hopeful and forward looking feeling. The total opposite of Faith for example, which was bleak and despondent, this album is able to build you up when you need it. So when the hurting starts and when the nightmares begin, remember you can fill up the sky. You don’t have to give in.

Looks like this will be three parts after all. I know this wasn’t as good as the first part I wrote, if I’m being honest as much as I enjoy almost all of their output the records I talked about last week are the ones that I have the most emotional attachment to and memories associated with. Other than Disintegration which I’ll save for next time I don’t have too much to say about what they made after this point. The thing is this is a blog I made to talk about myself primarily and last week’s part, while a good rundown of the band’s early discography (I hope), was strong because I was able to really get across why the band is so particularly special to me. With the memories associated with certain songs, and the way the albums resonate with me more generally. This isn’t an article about The Cure, it’s an entry on a personal blog about why they are my favourite band. I’m going to have a little conclusion at the end of the next part going into more detail on this I think. For now I just want to get this out because it took me longer to get started than I planned and I haven’t had anything out since last weekend.

Link to Part 3

Living up to my shitty blog title

The problem is that I can’t fucking accept my damn role, I know who I am and who I’m meant to be. I already talked about this, I am a loner and I’m always going to be. If I could just accept that I’d be so much happier, and I want to but it’s instinct to strive for otherwise. That’s why I keep getting obsessed with all these people who wander through my life briefly. That’s what they’re doing, that’s how it’s always going to be for me. People passing through, if I really try hard I’ll keep my two close friends but I will very likely never form another lasting relationship with a person again other than that. That’s what me falling for these girls at work is, it’s the desperate grasping of my reptile brain. If I was some thick dick PUA chad who had women throwing themselves at him I wouldn’t care about any of these people most likely. I know it sounds shocking but it’s true, because look how those people are. I’m timid and nice because it’s some kind of strategy my inner nature cooked up to try and push my genes. It’s not in my control, I think I’m nice because I like being nice but I like being nice because my brain dumps positive feelies in order to incentivise this false niceness which doesn’t feel false. I mean seriously, I struggle through smalltalk with these people that’s fucking it. What I do know about them, the opinions they have and the art they like etc it’s all unimpressive or uninteresting and I see myself latching onto whatever it can but frankly it’s reaching. I want to assume command, my rational thinking conscious mind or ego if you will wants to start making the decisions around here. I’m just not eloquent enough to express myself, I have the vocabulary and the ideas are bouncing around in my head as words but I can’t quite put the puzzle pieces together when I want to record this stuff more permanently in ink or on the internet.

I’ve been thinking about what would happen if any of the people I’ve written about were to read this blog, would they be shocked and disgusted? Would they think, what a fucking loser how dare he be attracted to me or think about me like that without me even knowing? Or maybe they can all tell, and it’s all some big joke pretending to act normal around the weirdo. I don’t know what people are saying about me, it’s all women other than me and one other guy who just started so they’re probably gossiping about all kinds of shit, at least that’s what popular knowledge would have me believe. Someone said in a post on r9k the other night that if you work around mostly females and they aren’t shit talking around you, you should be concerned. I know I make them uncomfortable, I know I make everyone uncomfortable. It’s a fucking joke, I understand that it’s evolutionary for us to dislike/ distrust the weak but circling back onto my earlier point can’t we exercise some control over our baser instincts given how we aren’t living in caves anymore. I’m not saying I think I want anyone to give me some succ, I actually don’t feel entitled to sex like a lot of people would claim about incels or whatever I am. I just want people to maybe not resent me or feel weird around me, maybe even make a little more effort in conversation if they can tell I’m having a difficult time. It’s not hard to tell, and I do the same thing when I get customers who I know are a little awkward or nervous. There’s a university not too far from me see, so I occasionally get a few guys who I can tell are a little similar to me. Around the same age, and carry themselves in a way that I can just tell, if that makes sense. They usually come in alone and don’t speak very loud and might have their change ready before coming in so they don’t have to get it out at the counter. I always try my best to make them feel comfortable, again because it gives me the good feelies thinking I might have made life just a little more bearable for a minute for them. It’s really not much to ask for, but almost no one is willing to do it. When they do, I’m so deprived of human warmth I immediately become way too grateful and can’t keep them out of my thoughts. They don’t know this though, or at least I don’t think they do. You’re shunned because you don’t know how to act, which brings me onto the subject of this Wizchan screenshot that really activated my almonds the other day.

1536847976801

It’s all interesting stuff, but the second post is the one that really kind of changed how I think a little. This idea that I and people like me are unable to tap into this secret tongue, which I suppose is a combination of body language and the right kind of eye contact and tone of voice and a bunch of other things, just makes so much sense to me. It also builds upon this idea that has always kind of fascinated me, and which I kind of got close to talking about before in my “thinking about thinking about things” entry. This conflict between our nature and our “spirit” I suppose. I don’t know, spirit might not be the right word here maybe intellect or higher being I can’t think of any one word that expresses what I want to without being potentially misleading. I think it’s clear what I’m trying to get at though, hopefully. I mean it’s not something that only I think about, clearly this question has been asked since we’ve been capable of asking it. We know that something separates us from all the other animals on the planet, but yet we know we are still alike also. Intelligence works maybe, but that’s another tricky word because it has a few different ways of being used so there’s still potential confusion. In some cases it’s used to describe the general characteristic which we think separates us from the rest of the animals (like how we say we’re looking for “intelligent life” on other planets) but often it’s also used interchangeably with cleverness which is a completely different thing. That confusion is what was blocking my progress on the issue I talked about in “thinking about thinking about things” actually, because sure being thoughtful or engaging abstract ideas is what we mean by that first definition of intelligence so it’s understandable that I and I’m sure plenty others assume that more of that is “more” intelligence but it’s this other use of the word which was getting me stuck. You convince yourself you’re some misunderstood genius, when in reality you can be a total idiot but just very thoughtful, and all because of this quirk of the English language. That’s what the “smart but lazy” thing is, ultimately. Language is both our liberator and our jailer, but this is again not some great insight plenty of people have talked about it.

Anyway, I’m really all over the place here I’ll try to get back on course a little. You might remember me ending that “thinking about thinking about things” post by saying that what ultimately links people like me together isn’t social alienation or introversion or lack of interest from women, although those are of course often things we have in common, but that we both spend so much more time thinking about things than normal and respect others who do. I also said that this is why those of us who are like this but lack self awareness gravitate to this idea that is right now best represented by the NPC meme but before in terms like sheeple, etc. Well I basically think that there’s kind of a spectrum (not the autism spectrum, although it is funny that autism and autist are terms so commonly thrown around in places we congregate, like r9k) which kind of covers this nature/ reptile brain aspect of humanity and this “intelligence”, for lack of a better term. I don’t think it’s new, like I said it’s something that I think is very common to think about. See, when I was in my /pol/ phase (not that I’ve put those ideas behind me, I’m still influenced by my time there) Evola was brought up a lot. He was a thinker of the Traditionalist School who were apparently a group that believed in this idea called the perennial philosophy. I never read anything from him, maybe I will one day in fact I plan to, but from what I understand the idea of the perennial philosophy is that all the major religions and belief systems found the world over are all trying to get at the same fundamental Truth. So, maybe I’m completely off here but it seems to me that in order to get an understanding of this Truth, one should look at what these religions share in common and discard the rest. Well, something that stands out immediately is how seemingly independently these religious orders have in one way or another arrived at a kind of asceticism. Whether it’s drug and alcohol abstinence or fasting or more extreme things like buddhist monks who meditate in extreme climates or the Japanese monks who mummied themselves while still alive by deliberately dehydrating themselves. Of course it’s the Japanese who took things to the absolute extreme, they really do as a people embody this end of the spectrum I’ve imagined, which might be why so many people like me have this obsession with japan and Japanese culture actually now I think about it but I can’t get sidetracked again now. The idea is always that these kind of activities bring you closer to God/ Enlightenment/ Truth/ whatever, and really what they all are is you deliberately going against your nature or instinct to indulge. The seven deadly sins are all instinctive/ animal associated behaviour. Perhaps that the idea of man as fallen, common in Christianity is getting at the same thing. Our intelligence, this thing that separates us from animals if unrestricted by our nature is God. So we really do get closer to it, the more we choose not to indulge.

I don’t know, maybe I sound like a total idiot and none of this makes any sense. I’m always so self doubting, it’s hard to commit to anything without feeling like a fraud. I’m not sure anyone is even capable of an original thought nowadays, we’re so bombarded with information it’s probably just us riffing on something we heard or read and thought we’d forgotten about. I think what people call the crabs in a bucket mentality of 4chan doesn’t help someone like me either. They say that during a Triumph in ancient Rome, which was this parade celebrating a major victory, the general leading the procession would have a slave who would stand right behind him and whisper “Memento mori” in his ear over and over. That translates roughly to “remember you are mortal” I think, and in moderation I think 4chan has the same effect. Unlike basically any other major forum or social media platform or whatever which is basically a complete fucking hugbox in comparison you actually get called out on your shit and I think that’s healthy. Most of the users though, especially in the /pol9k/ sphere of the site which doesn’t just mean those two boards but anywhere else that group predominates, aren’t casual users at all they’re there for several hours a day. After so much time around it does become less of a positive and more like the crabs in a bucket, and you can kind of tell who is and who isn’t steeped in this after a while. You really can sense this “newfag”, or nowadays I guess people will call you reddit meaning the same thing, aura from certain posters. I think I have more to say though, going back to that wizchan screenshot. Maybe the opposite end of the spectrum from the ascetic detached thoughtful end are the normalfags, the people who just are tuned in to this secret tongue.

I also have something to say in regards to that third post on there, the one at the bottom which talks about intuition and instinct. See his initial response was quite different from mine, an equally fascinating way of looking at this though. Whereas I kind of think that maybe it is just instinctual for people to tap into this secret tongue, and that being people who are more on the detached/ unbound end of this spectrum I’ve imagined we can’t tap into it. He says it’s something learned, and the reason we can’t tap into it is I guess because we never went through that learning process. In his view the normalfags actually agree with me as it being instinct, but they believe that it’s universal and anyone can tap into it unlike me. It’s probably because there are normalfags who suffer from social anxiety and things like that, I mean every youtube e-celeb seems to have it and every soundcloud rapper and every millennial normalfag with a platform anywhere really. It’s more common than fucking toxoplasmosis at this point, but these people still manage to have friends and romantic relationships and careers so naturally to incels and robots that’s all a little suspect. I’m not going to get into that issue right now though, perhaps another time. The point is that for those people bee urself does kind of work, and so it’s just assumed it must work for all people with “social anxiety” which is a term I think we should just kill off because as I’ve explained it clearly is used to describe two groups of people at once and that’s having a negative effect. Once again with the tricky nature of language. So you’re shunned for not being able to communicate using this secret tongue, you feel “off” to people and therefore you never have any opportunity to get better. If we’re sticking with that anon’s metaphor of learning the piano, you won’t ever be able to become a maestro if you don’t start learning from a very young age, but you can still learn to play competently as an adult. What do you do though if no music teacher will do lessons with you? I think that some of us are just meant to be alone, but even though we might be less in touch with out beast nature it is ultimately still there and it roars at us in hunger constantly.

I don’t know what I’m talking about, I just had to loosen the tap and let this stuff out it’s not a cohesive piece of work. This isn’t a thesis or an academic paper, and yes I’m doing that cowardly thing people do who want to hide from real criticism by saying “I’m just throwing ideas around man, don’t take me seriously”, it’s just what’s been on my mind. I kind of had to get it all out, I rushed my last entry because I felt I was taking too long between updating. I think I’ve got it all out of my system, I hope this is interesting or entertaining. I’ve been thinking about this blog itself some more too, I’ve finally decided what I want to do. You probably already have heard of the album ITAOTS (I know I’m an entry level /mu/ hipster faggot, pls no bully), well after it was done the main guy behind the project Jeff Magnum never recorded again as far as I’m aware. He knew when he was done, he knew that record would be the peak of his artistic career. Well, one day I suppose I’ll be done with this. Elliot Rodger left behind his “manifesto” before he went on his shooting, My Twisted World (I’ve both read through it myself and listened to a reading, if you haven’t already it’s worth at least a read) and I understand exactly why he did. It’s about having some control over how you’re remembered, see it was called a manifesto but it was more of an autobiography and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t actually referred to as a manifesto in the document itself. I’m aware of plenty of normies who actually read through the thing, and pretty much every last one of them had some sympathy after, but the many more who only heard what was said about him on the news or in a few short interviews with his family tended not to. If you read it you get an idea of his thoughts and beliefs and how they evolved, a rundown of all the important and meaningful events in his life and a real sense of closeness/ humanity. It’s hard to hate anyone you know so intimately. I don’t give a shit about the normalfucks he killed so that wouldn’t bother me anyway, but of course for most people that’s an issue, without an understanding of the guy they hate him.

In a way Elliot still lives on through MTW, I mean I remember there was a weekend a couple of years ago where some anon had found like 300 never before released photos of him throughout his life and was releasing them slowly over multiple threads. Well at one point I was suddenly reminded, this guy is dead. Not only is he dead, I’ve only ever known of him after his death. Yet I feel like he was part of my life, I know I’m not the only one what about that mullato guy who’s built a whole youtube channel on talking about Elliot. I’m not saying I plan to commit a mass shooting, there are no guns here. But one day when I finally feel like I’ve finished. When I feel that this blog taken as a whole truly represents who I am and was, I’ll switch it from most recent at the top to the reverse and be done. Or maybe I’ll do nothing of the sort and decide to keep going forever, or maybe within a year I’ll stop getting any visitors and give up, but I have this little romantic vision right now and if I stick to it that’d be cool. I find it so hard to talk to people you know. If everything is all in one place, all my concerns about context and being taken the wrong way will be gone. People have this tendency to ascribe a motive for something you do because it happened recently, and they miss the bigger picture. For example in Elliot’s case if we didn’t have MTW but just some events we knew of, we might think that that night when those guys broke his ankle and robbed him at a party was what made him decide to perform a shooting. It might have been the straw that broke the camel’s back, but with My Twisted World we got a detailed description of all the other straws that didn’t. It’s only with this knowledge, that at last we can understand him. Of course by the time I feel finished I imagine this entire thing will be a lot more daunting and all over the place, because I’m not streamlining at all or in a rush to get it all out, but it should provide a complete picture. How I think about things, how I got to be the person I am, etc. Of course it’s totally narcissistic to assume anyone will give enough of a shit to read everything I publish, but I would do it for someone I found interesting or engaging and I think I can be those things to some people. So that’s the plan, maybe.

Finding my mind

I’m trying this for the third time because my mind is all over the place and I’m tired as shit. I think I’ll just try and say what’s bothering me/ been on my mind lately and not try to tie it all together anything tricky like that.

Firstly, yesterday (for me right now, but by the time I publish this probably not) was the first day I got no visitors. I mean technically I must have because I had someone “like” one of my posts but they must have come through the referrer thing which means they don’t show on my stats page as a unique visitor. It’s more of a symbolic thing, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t disheartening, because one of the main reasons I do this is so it will be seen and appreciated by people. I am fully aware of my own narcissism here, but it’s ok to be as long as you’re self aware right? I said either in my introductory post or the initial thread on /r9k/ that if no one was interested and I couldn’t get anyone to read I’d give up. It’s clear to me things are more complicated than that now. I do have a couple of you who are reading every upload and I really am glad you’ve stuck around and enjoy these, although it’d be nice if I knew your thoughts beyond that. Is it sick fascination, or do you find what I have to say relatable, or do I make you think? It’s such a huge drop though, because in those initial first few days I got a completely unexpected amount of people reading and by the end of that first week most were gone as I expected but there were still a good seven or eight who seemed to be interested and checking back. What I’m trying to say is I wouldn’t want to give up now that there is a very small group seemingly looking forward to what I post next, I don’t like leaving people hanging, but I am kind of disappointed that this group is so very small now. I know how I sound, but that is how I feel whether I like it or not. It’s just harder to find that initial enthusiasm I had in the first few weeks, because in the first few weeks I had three times as many regular visitors after that initial burst died down, or at least I thought and if they got bored everyone will inevitably. I was more than happy with that number, I want a pretty small audience but just large enough that if one or two get bored that’s not the end. Having only one or two (or maybe three right now, I can’t exactly tell) is a really precarious place because once you’re gone it’s a fucking wrap. This isn’t an attempt to emotionally blackmail anyone in to staying, I just realised how that sounded. The day this is no longer interesting you should stop visiting, and not feel bad about it at all.

It’s not a huge deal, I am getting people finding me from time to time thanks to that referrer thing and I think one of the current regulars was though there. So I’m probably not as close to oblivion as I convinced myself, if it hasn’t become clear yet I can get into these negative thought spirals really easily. It’s seeing the situation written down and being able to view it from a third person perspective that I’m finding really helpful for breaking out of them actually. Which is why I really don’t want to lose this, I really am finding it very therapeutic to have an outlet and know someone is hearing me out in full. I fully appreciate that if I want more of an audience I have to give people what they want (whatever that is, it ain’t this) but I just want people to love me unconditionally for who I am because I’m an entitled cunt so I will continue down this doomed path instead. Again, if you’re self aware it’s ok. Last thing on this subject, the “likes” system bugs the absolute shit out of me. It’s perhaps a benefit in some way I don’t understand right now, but they just feel completely meaningless. The option to “like” a post is (at least in the default layout) at the top so you don’t even need to scroll through what I wrote never mind actually read it. I know that’s happened as well because on a couple of occasions all my posts have been liked by one person in way less time than it’d take to read them all. Again maybe there’s some benefit and they’re doing me a favour like perhaps it’s more likely to be seen idk, but I don’t know that so it just cheapens all the other “likes” I’ve received. Did these people go on to read every post, or had they already? I’m not sure, the whole stats page is set up in a way that makes it difficult to tell because it doesn’t count all visitors. I can tell one thing though, the two people who I know keep coming back don’t ever feel the need to “like” my posts, and frankly their returning says far more than any “like” ever could. The only comment I ever got, which if it wasn’t from one of you was still from one of the original visitors who found me through the thread, again meant far more and encouraged me to continue far more than any “like” possibly could. Maybe it’s an imageboard/ chan background that’s the reason I feel this way and the reason my real niggas who I’m pretty sure are from that thread also don’t “like” things. There’s no upvote, thumbs up/ down or any other equally gay system on 4chan, the closest thing is maybe reaction images but even those convey far more than any of the usual generic positive symbols that are easily exploited. You know with a reaction image the guy read what you have to say.

Ok, second thing was more of a big deal when I started this two nights ago (I know I’m really getting lazy with this) and also now there’s some distance my thoughts have changed. There are two new people at work, I’m sure I’ve mentioned it. So, naturally given how I’m a completely desperate loner it took almost no time for me to start seeing one of them in “that way”, the female one of course I haven’t gone prison gay yet. I know, I really do know how unbelievable it is that I’ve been at this place for just under a year and this has happened three times, it’s beyond pathetic. What can I say, my standards are basically just be pretty and be nice to me so now I’m finally out of my NEET cave I’m coming into contact with plenty of people who fit that description. Anyway I decided to check her social media the other night while bored, something I’m worryingly becoming way more comfortable doing lately, and she has a boyfriend. My immediate reaction was surprising even to myself given how unsurprising the information was, I took it quite badly. I’m over it now, in fact I’m pretty relieved as this should hopefully prevent me from developing serious oneitis but I’ve mentioned before that there’s this hope you live with when you have oneitis and I think the real sting is always that being taken away. Because let’s be honest, anyone who’s been in a similar situation knows they’re never going to make a move or they already would have and the girl never will. So there’s only one way the thing ends, which is as it always does. That hope though, that fantasy you know is completely unfounded that she’ll just confess her love for you one day or something, is enough to work with. In fact, it’s actually quite nice in a way like waiting for a package from amazon. One day life will just sort itself out and all my problems will be fixed by other people. So, I think looking back I got so upset (I wasn’t yelling out loud or banging things like an autist, I just mean internally) because I was starting to get that feeling again and it was prematurely killed in the womb. I got over it pretty quickly though, the very next morning I woke up and felt pretty good and I’ve been in a generally good mood since even though I had to do an extra day at work. Not manic either, not all of the time anyway, just generally positive vibes. I think I’ve already said this somewhere but, I feel like I just got out of a prison sentence but it’s one of those comfy Scandinavian prisons where you can play videogames all day. I feel like there’s more I could say about this, but I’m trying to speed up a bit because I’ve been posting way less frequently the last couple weeks. I’ve just been working a lot more, when I started this it was way less busy and I had a couple of two day weeks. I can write more in an hour at home than I will in an entire day at work.

Third and final thing is less related to any event or ongoing issue and more just a general idea I’ve been having. I’m not sure what sparked it, actually that’s not true it’s these new co-workers. I find them a little easier to talk to and be comfortable around, not much easier I’m still incredibly awkward but it’s not like with the ones who were there when I first started. I’ve got more comfortable around them having to work with them for a year, it’s not like at the start where I was more timid than someone with AvPD (maybe I actually have that but I’m not going to self diagnose because people who do that are insufferable) but it’s still really bad sometimes. Whereas these new people I’m already as comfortable around if not slightly more so than with the original crew. So I was thinking about it, and it reminded me of something I was wondering months ago about how I am actually getting a little better with people, which was why I deliberately looked for a customer facing job, but it’s only new people. I’m way more confident now, well not way more but certainly more so than before I started, but not with people I have already gotten to know. Basically, and I’ve always known this really but these recent things made me very conscious of it, I strive to maintain the first impression I make with someone. I don’t know why, but I’d find it so much harder to speak louder or gesture more or just be open with one of the people who’ve already decided I’m shy or quiet etc. than with some stranger I was meeting for the first time. Realising this, I see myself constantly following it throughout my life. Once someone sees me in a certain way I find the idea of going away from that terrifying, and I don’t know why because it sounds so ridiculous reading it back. This is with people who in many cases don’t give a shit, or would prefer me to be more confident and talkative.

I wrote something down on the back of a receipt because I thought it sounded clever at the time “We embrace the assumptions people have about us, and become who we are”, I don’t remember how I made the jump from this being just a personal problem to something universally applicable but it made sense to me at the time. Maybe this is relatable, I really do wonder now if this is just a problem for me or if it’s more common. It’s not just a personal thing either, I have slowly embraced many of the stereotypes about shut ins/ hikikomori even if originally I wouldn’t have wanted to. I was never a weeb in school, or even a casual anime fan despite the opportunity being there. I mean there was an anime/ manga club, but it’s only the last couple years so since I’ve turned 19 that I really got into it at all. I just wasn’t interested, in fact I hated those kids and I thought it was faggy shit. I was quite into western comic books though back then, luckily I seemed to jump ship on that interest just as it totally went to shit. I listen to a lot of metal, I sometimes piss in bottles, I almost never actually go outside aside from work, I’m into weird nazi mysticism, I’m racist and honestly the term is overused but if you called me a misogynist it’d be fair. I could go on but you get the picture, I’ve very slowly crept closer and closer to the basement dweller NEET caricature. Luckily I’m not fat or ugly and I stopped being a NEET, but still in many other ways. I’ve always done this, I don’t know whether it’s fear of being considered a fraud or what it could be. So, there is something to the idea of beeing urself because I’m maintaining a bunch of slightly different selves with all the different people I know and none of them are quite me. Even in this blog it’s not a completely accurate representation of who I am, but more because of the limitations of the medium rather than me hiding or acting a certain way. Ah I remember now, I was thinking of the idea of “flanderization”, which is this weird phenomenon in television. Basically a character, usually a secondary or less important character but I can think of one example where it’s not (Bazinga!), is introduced as fairly well rounded with some odd traits and eventually those traits become more and more pronounced and after long enough the two are basically completely different people. So, I’ve gone through an irl flanderization almost. It’s not a perfect fit, it’s been much more natural and slow me becoming the person I am today, but television and film is always hyper real. I’ve been aware of the fedora wearing daki clutching stereotype for as long as it’s been going around, before I had even hit puberty or really got into video games. Yet I always kind of felt like something about that spoke to me, and while I avoided anime and some of the other more superficial trappings associated with such a person for a time I think I knew I’d end up like this. When I was a little kid, I idolised the loner and I had a romanticised view of shut ins/ omega males/ hikkis.

I feel like I have more to say, but I have to go to work again soon and I just want to get this out today it’s been long enough. I’m still here, still blasting Loveless erry day, still keeping it D R E, still not loving police etc etc. I’ve got plans, finishing that Cure project, and there’s this Wizchan screenshot I’ve been thinking about a lot I think I want to talk about.

 

My favourite band: Part 1

I was thinking about how to do this one for a bit, how should I structure it and what is the intent. I want to talk about my favourite band and why they are, I want to mention some memories I have associated with their music and I want to give my general opinions on their main releases. I don’t think I’m going to be trying to encourage or push people to listen to them, you probably have already and they have a following that’s been growing since the 70s so they aren’t having any difficulty filling entire arenas. Anyway what’s one blog that has an audience of a few people gonna do to help. I think if someone reads this and does start listening to them though, that would be nice. I was first thinking of going chronologically through my own experience with the band, but I’ve decided it will be easier to keep this focused if instead I go through their major studio releases and just jump back and forth in time when talking about me. So, I’ll talk about their 13 studio albums, the Japanese Whispers compilation, and maybe some of the other standalone singles. I don’t know how this will turn out, I never really talk about music because I don’t know much about it. I listen to a lot but as I’ve mentioned before I’m not a musically inclined person. I’ve never studied theory and know nothing about it, I’m not a very creative person myself and never wanted to make music. I’ll try and talk about the sounds and what they were doing without appearing to be a total idiot but who knows how I’ll do. I won’t mention or talk about lyrics too much either, if it’s not obvious already I get pretty bad imposter syndrome so I’m hesitant to say this but I generally disregard lyrics. I mean if the music/ sound itself isn’t able to capture the intended feeling the artist wants, lyrics aren’t going to help. They are only an extra layer on top, so I’ll pick up key phrases here and there after listening to a song many times and that often adds to the experience but most song lyrics just taken alone are not something worth paying attention to. There are some exceptions, some music where what’s being said is crucial but I don’t think that’s the norm.

Ok, so starting with their first studio album Three Imaginary Boys. I actually didn’t listen to this one until a while after becoming a fan. Although the last year I’ve been going through recommended bands/artists’ discographies chronologically, with The Cure my experience was much more organic. I avoided this album for a while, in fact it was the last one I listened to and listening to it today just as a refresher which I plan to do with all of them was only my fourth time with it. I knew a lot of the story behind it, I know that the band were really unhappy with it, so I kind of just had it as something to get around to for ages and wasn’t especially enthusiastic about. It’s the only album in which Robert Smith didn’t have full creative control, at least according to Wikipedia. Supposedly the record label decided the track listing and even chose the artwork on the cover. Robert Smith being the only constant member of the band from the school band of a different name that ended up becoming The Cure right up until today. There are a few other members who have been a huge part of the band, but there’s been a lot of leaving and coming back and that kind of thing over the years it seems. I might be completely wrong, maybe even the man himself would totally disagree but it seems like the band is ultimately his creative outlet. Anyway, I actually think this one is starting to grow on me. It’s all over the place, some songs sound nothing like anything that would later come from the band but in others you can certainly hear the early development of what they would go on to make. Tracks like Grinding Halt, which is actually a favourite of mine on this because the lyrics made me laugh out loud the first time hearing it, So What, Object and the intro 4:13 On A Saturday Night sound like punk rock tracks to me. They’re really upbeat and fun, which after this isn’t a word I’d use to describe The Cure until quite a while later down the line, but because the album is so inconsistent in tone the mood is never quite right for me. You have Subway Song which is this one off on the album with nothing else quite like it, Robert is basically whispering the lyrics as this creeping bassline just slowly builds, and towards the end you have some other instruments I don’t quite recognise. One is a harmonica I think, and the other a guitar maybe.. There’s also a Jimi Hendrix cover on here, the only song on a Cure album with a vocalist other than Robert I believe. Fire In Cairo and the title track are the songs that are clearly the most similar to their later stuff, other than the vocal delivery on Fire neither would seem out of place on Seventeen Seconds or Faith in my opinion. Three Imaginary Boys is the best thing on here easily, I said I’ve only listened to this thing in full a few times but this one track I’ve listened to way more. The thing as a whole is a complete mess, it feels like the record label just threw shit at the wall and were waiting to see what would stick. There were also two singles which were recorded in the same sessions as the stuff on the album but released separately, Killing An Arab and Boys Don’t Cry. The second one, as if you haven’t heard of it, was what they titled the US release of the album. The US release did include both singles along with some other songs and a different track order, but doesn’t have that Jimi Hendrix cover for some reason. I haven’t listened to it, but I’ve heard the other songs on there. If you are thinking of listening to this band and haven’t already, it’s probably best to start somewhere else.

Seventeen Seconds might be my favourite Cure album, my opinion on that changes a lot because there are so many great ones but it’s just so perfectly moody right the way through. You can tell right away from the 2 minute instrumental opener that this is a way more thought out and consistent record. It’s the first real Cure album in a way, and the first in the trilogy of “gothic” albums that the band really became known for. The Cure are still considered a goth band today by many, even though this was just one period in a career going for four decades now. The last release was in 2008 admittedly, but Robert Smith is apparently planning on releasing a new record next year on the 40th anniversary of Three Imaginary Boys. Anyway, this album in particular is really unique in my opinion. It’s so stripped back and empty sounding, it’s like one of those days when the sky is grey and you have no motivation to do anything somehow captured in sound. I don’t think there’s a single track on here I’m not happy to hear again, and I’ve listened to this album a lot at this point. It’s like if you were to take all my feelings of disinterest and boredom and turn it into music. It’s like an autumn or winter afternoon, stuck at home just staring at the ceiling or out at the sky wondering if it’s gonna be like this forever. When I describe it like this it sounds like if anything something you’d want to avoid, but yet I find myself coming back to this album probably more than any other from them. I think it’s helpful, especially when you’re actually having one of those days, in that you feel less alone. If someone so intimately understood this state of being that were able to capture it in music form, make something positive with those feelings, maybe it’s not so bad after all. After the intro you have Play For Today, which is the fastest track on here. If the album is meant to be one of those days I described, then this track is the very brief burst of energy your brain sends out to try and force you to get moving that you never act on. It’s probably the only song on here that might get someone dancing around their room a bit, but somehow all throughout there’s still this gloomy undertone. Like you know it’s coming to an end, and the way it fades out is like accepting the day as over before it could even get started. There’s something in Robert’s vocal delivery on here and all the songs that feel like he almost resents being there, I love it. In Your House is probably the song that captures the essence of this album best, either that or At Night. Although like I said the album is pretty consistent in tone so they all go very well together. The final song and title track hints at what’s coming next, up until this point there’s a very detached vibe like someone who’s given up, but this track feels much more like something from the next album Faith. It’s very similar, but more engaged and there’s more going on. I’ve heard this album described as stripped back, minimalist and sparse, but here we start to see some emotion. There’s more going on, the guitar sounds more present and at the forefront and Robert’s vocals have a sadness that wasn’t there until this point.

This album also has the song A Forest, which was the first song from The Cure I ever heard. It’s a funny story actually, I’ve mentioned before that I like a lot of Varg’s music (Burzum) and it was a video on his youtube channel with the same title that mentioned this song and had it playing that was my introduction to the band. I’m not a Varg fanboy or anything, I don’t really watch his channel anymore and he says a lot of ridiculous shit but there was a short period of time where I was watching his stuff a lot. I think that particular video is actually quite good though. The song really is fantastic too, it’s so atmospheric especially if you listen to it late at night as it’s dark out. To get to work I have to walk through this small park which even on a hot summer day stays pretty empty. Now usually they lock the gates as it gets dark but sometimes the owner or warden or whatever leaves it a little later. The first time walking home from work I saw it left open was late last winter, so it was completely dark out and there is only one streetlamp in the entire park so much of the walk through is lit only by the buildings in the distance and the small lights from the train tracks which run nearby. I remember debating if I should even go in that night, it was genuinely spooky and I had actually been mugged in the same park when I was far younger (around 12 or 13) but I went for it and I’m really glad I did. I remember the whole thing, I remember walking through the entrance and putting the song on without needing a second to think about it. It just made sense to me, it was perfect. It’s a short walk through the park, in fact it matched up almost perfectly with the song because as it was coming to an end I could see the street near where I live come into view. That walk though man it was exhilarating, the cold wind blowing on my face and being hardly able to make out the shapes of bushes and trees. I used to have nightmares of being stuck in this park as a kid, and here I was with my arms wide open totally fearless and at peace while this beautiful song played all around me. Honestly one of my favourite memories of the last year, I’ve done the same walk a few times since when I’ve been able to and as nice as it always is that first time is particularly special. In large part because fear of the dark and monsters etc. was such a huge part of my childhood, I was a cowardly little kid, so this was like conquering all of that. The song will always bring back that memory I think. Which quite fittingly is exactly what Varg’s video on the subject is about, how music and memory are so tied to one another.

Next release after Seventeen Seconds was Faith, the second in their gothic/ gloomy trio of records that defined the band for a lot of people. Last time the sound was disinterested and melancholic but now there was a true sense of despair. Apparently between the two every member of the band of that period had a family member die. They were also first starting to have some real success, and this alienated the very early fans from their local pubs and bars who perhaps felt like they were being left behind when they stopped performing at these small places. There was more going on, it was clearly a very difficult time, but you can find that somewhere else if you’re interested. It’s easy to find all the information you could ever need about this band. Fights between band members, fights with audiences, alcohol and drug abuse, etc. The album slowly builds itself up in the first half, starting with the first track which feels like a direct continuation from the end of Seventeen Seconds. It doesn’t have that aimlessness that was there before though, what Robert is saying and the way he’s doing so clearly show that. “I stand… and hear my voice cry out, a wordless scream at ancient power”, always sticks out to me even though I’m not one to try and pay attention to lyrics. I think the lyrics on here are quite good at adding to the mood and feel throughout though, on the next song Primary there’s another great example “the further we go, and older we grow, the more we know, the less we show”. To me that must be about losing the innocence of childhood, a theme which seems to come across again and again on here. If Seventeen Seconds was a despondent teenager stuck indoors wasting time, Faith is an early 20-something trying to tell that kid if only you knew what was to come.

The next couple songs further add to this building feeling, and after that is The Funeral Party. Inspired by the deaths of his grandparents, but more broadly about death in general, this is the heart of the album in my eyes. I don’t have a particularly special memory associated with this song like I do with A Forest and some others, but I do quite vividly remember the first time hearing it. It was another time my dad had left for one of his trips, like the one he just got back from recently. I don’t know if I already said this but he goes away two or three times a year on these trips and I have the place alone. It’s kind of an unofficial agreement we have. Anyway he was away and I’d just started really getting into the band seriously. I had only listened to Disintegration and Seventeen Seconds in full at this point plus a load of individual songs from all over their career. I can recall that building feeling as the record kept going, I was also still getting over a hangover from the night before, a night I’ll probably mention a little later actually. I remember lying down on the rug in the middle of the room staring at the ceiling and feeling totally hopeless, this was almost exactly two years ago now. I had dropped out of education again just before that summer and then spent the summer itself hidden away in my room becoming more and more isolated and getting radicalised by internet Nazis. That friend, the one who I’ve mentioned before and one of my only two real friends by this time hadn’t bothered to get in contact with me once that summer (although that night before we’d hung out) and now it was over my dad was insisting I go to the jobcentre and try to find work. I was standing on the cusp of adulthood and this album captured that feeling perfectly. Then this song starts, and as despairing and miserable as it is it’s truly a beautiful piece of music. After I’d finished the album through, I went back and re-listened to this and one of the other songs from the second half The Drowning Man over and over for hours. The album ends with the title track Faith, and it’s a slip back into a more reserved melancholy after the very cathartic and powerful three tracks preceding, funeral, Doubt and drowning man. It sounds like someone giving up, just lying down to die. Robert says this song encapsulates this period of his life better than anything else. “Nothing left but faith” he moans off in the distance somewhere. The relationship between the band members was deteriorating, their original fans were bitter and unhappy with them, of course the deaths of those close to him, it must have been completely overwhelming losing everything all at once.

The big one, one of the two Cure albums almost always chosen as their best work, Pornography is a fucking amazing album. It’s not something you can put on as background music, it’s not something I suggest having on regular rotation if for no other reason than that it should be saved for certain occasions, but it’s truly the most fitting way to cap off this period in the band’s career. It’s just so completely overwhelming, it’s an emotional tornado that just blows through everything. There is very little else like it I’ve heard before, every listen it consumes me all over again. The first time I listened to this album in full was the same day I first listened to Faith actually, it was later in the evening and I’d been lying around feeling like shit and listening to stuff from that over and over for hours when it began to get dark out. So I got up, forced myself to eat something and try and clear my head. Then after some time without any background noise I decided to put the record on. Immediately it hits you, the thudding sound like you’re in a hallway missing out on a party in one of the rooms for a few seconds and then out of nowhere the guitar is all over the place spiralling around in your head. Robert’s voice then bursts through, “it doesn’t matter if we all die” and there’s this aggression which you’ve never heard before on any Cure song. Most of the lyrics I’ve been able to pick up on this whole album are pretty similar. Phrases and imagery that seem to not mean anything, just bitterness and hate spat out at you. Then to follow up is A Short Term Affect which begins with this drumbeat that just beats on your brain throughout the song. Robert’s vocals are distorted at times, so it sounds like ghosts or demons mirroring when he sings. The heavy pounding drums are a feature all over this album, the third song The Hanging Garden being another great example. “Cover my face as the animals die” you hear screamed at almost like a plea to the heavens. Siamese Twins is the fourth song, and finally the initial anxiety attack that is the first part of the album dies down a little. This track is no less emotionally exhausting, but the pace has slowed down quite significantly.

This song is another one attached to a rather significant memory, I mentioned the night before listening to this album in full I had that friend visit me. Well that was the first time I heard this song, and it was quite a weird evening. This is the friend who I almost owe my entire personality to, I know that might sound hyperbolic and by now I’m a completely different person than when we were really true friends but I really mean it. I’ve gone into it in way more detail already, but I feel like he pulled me out of one of those pods in the matrix of something. I just don’t remember feeling like a real person before him, I think I was actually capable of smalltalk back then. After we finished school (here that’s at 15/ 16 years old) and had to go to do our A-levels we very suddenly went from being practically inseparable to hardly talking. He decided to go and live the life he’d been desperate to for years and I was going through what was probably the worst year of my life, and finding time to meet and hang out kind of wasn’t a priority for either of us. So we met very occasionally, me him and one other third friend who we also spent a lot of time with towards the end of secondary school would meet up at mine and get blackout drunk when my dad went on his trips away but other than that we never spoke. That other guy I’ve actually become far closer with since we finished school, we still speak often more than once a week. So it’s time again, my dad is away and I think it’s time to get the two of them together and we’ll do our usual thing. Well slightly different, this time one of us had the bright idea to bake pot brownies. Long story short we ruined it all by burning the weed, wasted quite a lot of money and were feeling not great. Then the other friend had to leave as it started getting later and he had work the next day, so it was just me and my once best friend and despite already blowing like £50 on weed we went and bought a load of cheap cider and got to reminiscing about how things were before. We spoke about how simple things were when we were 14, that period of time I would describe as the happiest I’ve ever been even despite my mother dying (although in a sense I didn’t really accept it until much later down the line), and how much easier it was. It was honestly what I needed at that time more than anything, this evening really kept me going because for so long I’d felt like only I had fond memories of that period. To hear him talk about it in just the same way, like he had this same view of it as being before all the bullshit allowed me to get over the feelings of betrayal and abandonment I had. The evening itself was unremarkable, we got a little drunk and watched a few episodes of this old Japanese tv show from the 70s “The Water Margin” which my dad has from when he was a kid. It’s kind of goofy, the dubbing is pretty bad. I’ve watched it a couple times through already with my dad, so I have fond memories associated with it already and the old place my dad lived at before moving in with me. At one point though, not long before he left, we got talking about the music we’d been listening to since losing contact and I mentioned I’d really been getting into The Cure lately. So he decided to play this song, Siamese Twins, which I hadn’t heard yet. So now whenever I hear the song I can’t help but think back to that night, that night saved that friendship. Since then the three of us have been in more regular contact than any point since finishing school together. I even had my first psychedelic experience (kinda, the dealer gave us this very mild chemical 2-cb and claimed it was synthetic shrooms, I’m looking into growing myself from spores now) with them this summer on a camping trip. It’s starting to feel like, even though we’ll never have the relationship we had for that roughly two year period I finally have my friend back.

I should finish talking about the rest of the album though, The Figurehead is another amazing song (they all are, this whole album is as close to perfect for me as can be), “sharp and open leave me alone, I’m sleeping less every night” continues the theme of someone’s failing sanity. I’ve heard that this song, as part of a supposed greater story being told over the entire album, is about a man going mad and dreaming of or possibly actually killing a prostitute. It would make sense that it follows immediately after Siamese Twins which I’m pretty sure is about someone losing their virginity to a prostitute and a deep sense of regret/ anger/ conflict following the act. After that is A Strange Day, which I’d been enjoying a lot for a while before listening to it in context. Honestly it’s almost like a different song when you hear it both ways, the first few times I heard it as a standalone song I thought it had a hopefulness to it. A sense of overcoming great difficulty, of rising above it. Then hearing it surrounded by all this pain and hate, and hearing about “going away on a strange day”, now it seems more like sinking deeper into hell than rising. I know I said I don’t usually pay attention to lyrics, but on Pornography I think they’re done so well I can’t help but pay attention. The scattershot nature, how the imagery in them is just so brilliantly fitting for the music. Coming up to the end now, Cold follows the trend of the album with the beating drums getting it started. “A shallow grave, a monument to a ruined age” the scope here is suddenly so much greater than it has been so far since the opener. Not just in what is being sung about either, the music itself on this track sounds so much more majestic and grand. Before you had the image of a crazed insomniac, losing his mind in a dilapidated flat or wandering the streets at night with the other vagrants and degenerates. Now it’s like someone looking down on the world, and seeing the pain that was tormenting them has grown far larger than ever could have been predicted. All around is ruin and desolation, a broken world. Finally the title track Pornography gets started, and it takes it’s time slowly building. There’s over a minute of creepy whispering and a whining electronic noise. It’s like an old military radio or something, but no one’s there to respond on the other side. Then these drums start going, muffled at first and gradually building up in speed and power. The voices start to sound more like crowds of rioters or prisoners banging on their cages, and the electronic noise is more like an airhorn or something keeping them back or even a siren at a couple points. A few voices rise above the rest, but are still ultimately unintelligible and just as nasty sounding. It’s over three minutes until Robert’s voice appears, as if he’s down there with the swarming masses. Another one of the voices that manages to stand out, and the crowd does seem to become even more energised. There are sounds of twisting metal now too, or at least that’s how it always sounded to me. The drumbeat, more slow and steady than the others on this album, has been there in the background this whole time. Then right towards the end he yells out “I must fight this sickness… find a cure” and the radio voice returns, or the sound of news anchors or something like it “I MUST FIGHT THIS SICKNESS” louder this time, and then it all fades into black.

Honestly I think what makes these three “gothic” albums so special is how tonally consistent they are, each one has such a strong vibe that it sticks to right the way through. You can see the progression into the next with each as well, until the ultimate explosive end. I feel like together they tell a story of a slow descent into madness. With Seventeen Seconds of course having a strong sense of isolation/ being stranded in a bleak and empty universe. Faith a pretty miserable take on the usual coming of age theme, and Pornography a tale of self destruction. This ended up being way longer than I imagined, I thought I’d just have a short paragraph for each album and be done with the entire thing in a couple days. I’ve loved writing this though, even if it’s pretty terrible and you can tell I have no idea what I’m doing. Going through the albums again and really trying to listen in and describe how it sounds (to an amateur like me) was a lot of fun. The last two nights I’ve ended up writing way into the early morning without even noticing. I’ve probably deleted half on top of what I kept for the final upload. I think I’m going to have to do this thing in two or maybe three parts. So, hopefully you like it anyone who reads this. The next post will probably just be another journal entry/ me whining about things kind of deal, and maybe later next week when I have time off work again I’ll continue with part 2. Listen to The Cure man 😉

Link to Part 2

Thinking about thinking about things

I always hesitate to give the spur or catalyst for one of my internal monologues when trying to share these thoughts I have with someone. Not that I get much opportunity to do so, I’m not comfortable enough around most of the people I know to want to tell them what’s on my mind. When I do though I’ve learned it’s best not to tell them about whatever it is that got you started on this train of thought. Oftentimes it’s something trivial but they’ll latch onto it and it’ll become impossible to stay on point. I understand that a conversation is not a lecture and you’re going to drift, but this is before you can even get into the ideas you have. I want things to go in an unexpected direction, I want the opinions of other people. I don’t want to be told “Why are you thinking so much about X?” Well perhaps not those exact words except for one which is absolutely used frustratingly often, about. It bothers me so much because it devalues my ideas, no longer are they original thoughts but merely a response to or worse a regurgitation of what was presented by another person’s art or action. If I tell them how I feel about this, about that word in particular and everything it communicates to me I’m told I’m overthinking something trivial again. I’m told that but yet continue to not be taken seriously. I’m told that but they continue to focus on whatever silly thing it was that got me thinking in the first place rather than the actual thoughts I’m trying to share and have a conversation about. This is why I believe there’s no such thing as overthinking. Just because the person isn’t intelligent enough toto consciously imply everything they do with each word they utter doesn’t mean the language doesn’t reveal things if you pay close attention. So with that out of the way here’s what got me thinking recently.

868

I was at work as I’m sure most of these will start and this guy and his girlfriend came in. Now I honestly don’t mean this insultingly but he was an entirely unremarkable man. Wearing a graphic t-shirt and a denim jacket, soft spoken and looking ever so slightly uncomfortable. He was exactly who I picture in my head when you say “man” or “guy” other than perhaps his height. He was rather short, in fact the girl was taller than him but she did have heeled boots. Speaking of her, she was essentially his female equivalent. Pretty but not especially so, dressed in a way that didn’t stand out at all (although it would have shocked people a century ago) and wearing minimal but still very noticeable makeup. What I’m saying is that they were the very definition of generic, sure if you get to know them they might prove to be a fascinating and unique pair but given their gormless expressions and what I could pick up form their conversation I doubt it. I don’t like this new NPC meme because I think it’s just the most recent expression of the modern phenomenon satirised in the image above this paragraph, however I feel like if you ran around a street corner fast enough it’d be people like this you’d catch rendering in. So after I’d processed all that for a second I remember my first thought being that these two in this moment were perfect for each other. In this moment specifically that is the key here. As she looked up from her phone to answer his question about what they should get “yeah babe, whatever” and he shuffled up to the counter to pay, that’s what I thought. Outside of that it’s a void, I have no idea how a relationship like this begins or ends, I just cannot visualise it. I can’t picture this relationship progressing into parenthood or marriage when she clearly resents him (you’d know what I meant if you heard her tone of voice and saw her expression when speaking to him) and I can’t imagine how they ever got together in the first place when he’s such a fucking beta male. I really hate that term, I find it so vulgar and I’ve always avoided referring to guys that way even in anonymous 4chan posts because of how ugly it is to me, but this guy was the archetypal beta male and I’d be dishonest if I didn’t say what I truly thought at the time.

I suppose it says more about me than it does about them. I don’t know a thing about these people and I’m judging them completely based on a very brief encounter. I just can’t understand it though. There’s this real contradiction in my head in that what I’m seeing when they’re there in front of me makes so much sense but yet no sense at all. This isn’t that unusual for me either, I get a similar feeling from time to time in regards to completely different things. Things that are completely normal for many people, which is why I don’t find them unusual but I haven’t personally experienced which is why I find it so hard to understand how they happen in the first place. I’m doing a really bad job of explaining this so I’m going to try giving an example here. Think of how career criminals are represented in films (or in pop culture/ major Hollywood productions at least), they’re these jovial or suave characters. Beautiful intelligent women who can pull the wool over any man’s eyes and charming smooth talking men who can get out of any fix. When you get thinking though, it doesn’t make any sense that someone like that would end up with such a life for a number of reasons. People who look like models and movie stars can become models and movie stars and be making far more money without the risk factor of robbing places and other criminal activity. I mean look at actual real life famous gangsters, they’re all busted up middle aged men who grew up in poor/ lower class areas and rose up through petty crime and local violence. It makes people uncomfortable to say this but beauty is an asset just like wealth or intelligence and it concentrates upwards socially. I could go on but this is a complete tangent, my point is that when you try to imagine how these kinds of people in these films ended up where and as they are you can’t. The whole situation is so absurd and it takes you out of the film entirely. So that feeling is what I get, except without good reason like in the case of the film. That feeling of it not making sense is there but at the same time in these other cases it also makes perfect sense… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to properly share what this situation is like with someone unless they’ve experienced it themselves and just know what I’m talking about. I don’t have the vocabulary to properly express myself here and it’s really frustrating.

This feeling I have though is very unpleasant, it really worsens my usual sense of detachment and separateness from society. To most people normal things just are. They don’t seem to think about how, they don’t put any thought into trivial things it appears. In fact it annoys them when you do or they believe you do as I talked about in the beginning. Life just happens and they never really put much thought into it, you could even say it’s like they’re following a prewritten program. In fact that’s probably in part the reason everything just happens so smoothly for them, the more you think about something the more complicated you realise it is and the more daunting it seems. I don’t seem to have a choice though, it really does seem like ignorance is bliss. I’m reminded of this one time, I was watching a video on youtube that was titled something like “I don’t have any friends” or “I’ve never had any friends”, you might find it if you care to look but there’s probably a bunch of very similarly titled videos so it’ll be like a needle in a haystack. Anyway after dishonestly whinging about his lonely existence and “lack of meaningful relationships” for a while he said something like at least he had his girlfriend to keep him company without blinking and then kept on with the video. That’s information about him that completely changes the entire video, should cause any sane person to re-evaluate everything he just said, but he didn’t even fucking blink. I mean call me crazy but surely a romantic relationship is also supposed to be meaningful, if anything more so if you want to perhaps raise a fucking child with this person one day. Apparently not though, I hear people talk about their bfs/ gfs like a meal or an item of clothing or something completely boring and mundane. I’m focusing in quite a lot on this one thing because it’s obviously something I care about being a khv but it’s the same in other areas of their life. People talk about doing drugs or going to parties or whatever normalfag shit they enjoy doing and then wonder why I can’t relate to them. This is including people that know me and know I live a completely different life, and that used to be much more like me. It’s like everyone was able to transition into adult life completely seamlessly and without instruction and I don’t know what I’m even talking about anymore.

I’ve stopped making sense, I don’t want to put off finishing this entry another day though. I think what I’m trying to say is that the NPC thing is a really tempting way to look at the world and it helps a lot to cope with the fact that so often everyone around you can appear totally soulless, but you should be careful because maybe they’re right and you’re just a faggot thinking about pointless shit while everyone else is busy getting laid and doing fun shit. I mentioned earlier something about putting thought into trivial things, and that’s always been a lens I’ve used to judge people, I’ve always personally felt that putting great thought into trivial things was a sign of intelligence. I don’t think I was even entirely aware of this, I know I say this a lot but it was probably not something I was completely conscious of but was just going on under the surface. I think a lot of people like me have a similar thing, in fact I think that’s what binds us together more than anything else. Robots/ incels whatever term you want to use have no other trait quite as unifying. You have short and tall, ugly and handsome, overweight and skinny, rich and poor, and even both clever and stupid ones, but we all seem to spend way too much time thinking about everything. I realise now that I’m am conscious of this that it isn’t necessarily a sign of intelligence after all but rather a sign of someone like me. I don’t know if I’m intelligent, I often feel like a total fool and to be honest I’m a fucking dropout working a dead end job too, but I have so much to say I can’t be that stupid can I?

Anyway, I’m done for tonight I’m not working for the next four days so I’m going to stay up late drinking and listening to Dead Meadow. I know there are two or three regulars who are actually checking every couple days for new posts so hopefully this is another satisfactory read. I’ve started writing some notes for my post about The Cure so maybe that one’ll be next.