Decisions decisions

Last night as I finished writing up the previous entry I realised I was sad. I didn’t have it when I started writing, but I took a break to cook something and after finishing eating I went back to write some more. As I was writing the last couple paragraphs it just hit me, I guess this means things are entirely back to normal at last. I went to sleep early again to get away from the feeling. I don’t remember my dream too well now, it’s been a while since I woke up but here’s what I can recall.

There were two distinct parts, perhaps I woke up and fell back into a different dream, it’s all a blur. I was in a shop, some kind of old second hand clothing store or a thrift store you might call it. All the clothes were wrapped in those plastic coverings they have in dry cleaning places, those bags they put to take them home in. Then, out of nowhere this old friend I knew from years ago showed up. I really mean years, I haven’t seen this person in real life since I finished primary school so I would have been 10 years old. He was acting as if we’d never lost contact, and he gave me an old playstation 1 and one game (some sonic game, which is funny because I looked it up out of curiosity after waking up and there were no sonic games at all on the original playstation) saying that would cheer me up. I wandered around the shop some more and eventually bumped into my second ever crush/ oneitis from my first year of secondary school. This girl left a huge mark, to this day she still occasionally shows up in my dreams for god’s sake that tells you everything. Although perhaps this will be the last time that happens, because things were different in this one. She was the same age as me, usually in other dreams she features in her and me are both kids again. So I see her looking through clothes, even though they’re all bagged up and look the same. I go to tap her on the back and get her attention but she turns around really fast and stares at me with this look of disdain. “You don’t care about me anymore Anon, stop wasting my time” she said or something to that effect, and then walked off deeper into the store. After some time that old school friend appears again, he tells me that he hopes I’ve been enjoying the sonic game over the last few days because his mother likes to play it and she’s been bored stuck at home. I lied, I said I had been even though I don’t remember ever leaving the store or several days passing. I decide to give it back and say I’ve had my fun and appreciate the thought but I can’t find it. So I say I’ll get it back to him some time soon, and I remember this feeling of guilt hitting me right away. It didn’t last long though, because the next thing I remember I’m somewhere completely different. I was heading to work, an early shift again but somehow the sun was high in the sky like at noon. I could see it from the staircase as I climbed up to the treehouse, not that I work in a treehouse usually but in a dream things like that seem to go by unnoticed. I don’t remember doing any work, I only know it was work because my brain felt like that was where I was going for some reason. I know that to get down I took a different route, and waiting at the bottom of this wooden scaffold structure I had to climb down was another one of the people who works with me. There’s a team of about 6 in total so not one I’ve mentioned before. I don’t remember what she said, honestly this whole second dream felt a lot less meaningful.

I woke up after that, and the sadness was still there, that exact same feeling and I hate to admit this because of how truly pathetic it makes me look but the only thing I can think about is phone message girl. I just don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, last Monday I was completely miserable and losing it over some other girl who never gave a shit about me and now I’ve completely stopped caring about her and am back to obsessing over someone I had put out of my mind ages ago who also doesn’t and I guess never did give a shit about me. It’s all because of one stupid fucking message, I’m losing my mind over this shit. If it wasn’t for that message I’d likely never think about her again outside of an occasional fond memory popping into my head of the time when we were both working together. As sad as it was at the time to know that she’d no longer be in my life, I was really glad that things ended how they did. So this morning, while I was stuck at home waiting for it to be time to go in to work I decided to check her social media. Immediately there’s a bunch of posts in her native language from the last couple months, generic sad/ sappy shit so something obviously happened. Find out over the next 20 minutes lurking around like a fucking weirdo that she broke up with her boyfriend, who I’m pretty sure she moved here to this country with in the first place years ago. So, now I have reached yet another conclusion on what happened because I just can’t stop thinking about this stupid message. I think that, last Wednesday evening she was at home with nothing to do and still hadn’t got over this break up. So to get back some sense of self worth she messaged me, and because I replied within about 20 minutes that was all that was necessary. A potential orbiter was all the esteem boost she needed, so that’s why she didn’t respond after I sent my reply. I don’t know, seeing it typed up like this makes me think I’m being overly cynical. I don’t like thinking about someone like this, especially when I really do think she was a truly nice girl and above such behaviour. I can’t help it, my mind always goes to the worst possibility. I’ve been thinking about it, and maybe there’s only one option here if I want to put this behind me. I just have to ask “Why did you message me?”, I think if I don’t I’ll end up going mad but there’s no reason to believe that won’t also get ignored. I’ll decide tomorrow whether or not to do that. Part of me thinks it’s a terrible idea, maybe I’ll find out why and I’ll wish I didn’t, or I’ll get ignored.

I met the new guy today, he was really friendly which is nice because I had no idea what he was like. He’s a little odd, like me I guess, I’m glad to have him around and not being the only guy on the team is a nice change too. I’ll get to say hello properly to the other new addition on Saturday too, I met her on Monday as I’ve mentioned but I only had time to shake hands and then I was gone because she had to be shown around by the manager. You know, I already went over that. Also I’m slowly falling in love with Loveless, I listened to it 7 times today. If I’m being honest I don’t want to listen to anything else, there’s something incredibly comforting and warm about this album. I tried listening to other music but I just wasn’t feeling it at all. I’m going to listen to it now one more time before having an early night again. I’m not sure posting an entry every night is a great idea either, and the next two days I’m not working so I’m going to have nothing to do. I’ll probably leave it for a few days now.